THE BLIZZARD: Day 3

Hello, blog. Yes, I am awake. No, you are correct, my roommates are not. I even went to bed after them (2ish). Coffee is nice though.

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I hate feet.

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I wonder if I'll have cancer at some point in my life. I know that's kind of a depressing thing to think about, but *mumblemumble* Grey's Anatomy *mumble*. I never really entertained the idea that I could get cancer. Okay, that's even worse, I'm nineteen, I shouldn't be thinking about this at all - I know. But bear with me here: I always thought "I'm crippled, that's bad enough, I won't get cancer." And that's all fine and dandy, except my being crippled isn't that bad. I've gotten botox twice and had one surgery. That's nothing in comparison to similar people. I mean, it's not like I want to be worse off, or I want to get cancer - it's just that I have been fooling myself way too long. I could get cancer. Bad things happen to really good people. Bad things happen to people who don't deserve it. Bad things just happen. Just because a bad thing happened to me in the beginning doesn't mean I am in the clear for the rest of my life. It was a weird realization, to be sure.

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THERE IS SO MUCH SNOW YOU GUYS.

#tundra

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I feel so much immense jealousy right now. I shouldn't. I just have to bide my time, right? Except that requires biding my time.

I will not fail you again.

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Corrections, 2:52 pm

I just got invited to Kellan's Welcome Home Party. I will meet his wife and his daughter. To be fair, I have already met his wife once, so that won't be too bad. Yes, I am going. To me, I am his old friend - I will suck it up and put this to bed. Besides, I am so proud of him. I can't ignore that. :)

THE BLIZZARD: Day 2

My roommates sleep too much. I went to bed the same time they did and got up at 9:30. It is now quarter after 11 and I really don't think they will be up anytime soon.

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It's literally been sleeting all day. The St. Charles area is supposed to get 12-18 inches of snow tonight. Oh my God. It's a horrible time to be craving pizza. I mean, do I want to send a poor delivery man to his death? No. But that doesn't mean I won't, if I get pizza, you know?

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As you can probably tell, I have been thinking a lot lately. It's one of the three things I do to occupy my time. The other two are playing video games and watching Grey's Anatomy.

I strive to do good. I strive to lead a decent life - to be that person everyone thinks I am. But, to take a page out of the Kingdom Hearts canon, there is darkness in my heart. I can't control it. I can't channel it, and sometimes it gets the best of me.

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When I was with you, I was the best me I could be. You literally brought out the best in me. Over time, I earned your trust and love, but now I have lost it. Maybe I am being overly dramatic about this; we weren't anything more than best friends. It's not like we were Vishal and Rachel. I know we (used to) joke that you are my Jedi apprentice and that you learned from me, but in all reality, it was the other way around. I learned from you. I learned what it was to have a best friend. I learned what it was to really love someone. I learned what it was to be good. Again, maybe I am being overly dramatic, but it doesn't feel that way. Maybe this will just blow over. To me, however, it's like the magnitude of all my mistakes is finally hitting me. I finally understand what happens when the darkness takes over.

"She loves you."

How many more people did I hurt?

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Grey's Anatomy season 5 is my life.

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How strange. A year ago, I was the happiest I had ever been.

THE BLIZZARD: Day 1

You really need to stop being a Katy Perry song. I felt like I was on a TV show this morning. Like...when is it going to blow up, you know?

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Today, THE BLIZZARD started. It was fine this morning, except all the ice just happen to be surrounding all the intersections. I get to French and less than ten people were there. Then it starts raining/icing. Then a Katy Perry song showed up. Then I tried to go to Grab-and-Go to get lunch, but realized it was covered in a sheet of ice, so I went back to the room and ate an apple instead. Then I emailed my Psych teacher and told her I couldn't physically make it to class. Then I ventured to band (my bass clarinet was being such a bitch).

Jen, Ash and I have decided that we are not leaving the room for the next forty eight hours. It's just not worth it.

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This will get better. I will not fail.

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Corrections, 8:35pm

I want to sit you down and tell you. I know all that I've done looks bad now. And it will still probably look bad when - I mean if - I get to explain. I am never ready for this moment. When it comes, it is always rushed. I am never able to play out my rehearsed conversations. This time is different though. I can't just stay quiet. And I have plenty of time to figure out how I am going to do this. Now, I need you to give me an opportunity.