You aren't really coming back, are you? I fell in, but you aren't going to catch me. I guess I always knew that. So this whole thing--me missing you beyond measure, finding you at last, and just waiting for things to go back to normal--was just a false alarm? Why then, would you reach out to me in the first place? Why couldn't you just leave me alone so I could finally learn to live without you? I guess that song I wrote is still relevant. And I guess I shouldn't restrain things between me and him. I guess I have to be the one to leave you behind this time. What a change.
----
I really hate the last weeks of summer. My mom always tries to cram stuff in--family activities and such. I'd rather just relish my last days free of school pressure. Of course, I have yet to do my summer homework.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Sunday, July 27, 2008
Lyrica: n. pl. That of lyrics
Please, don't try to one-up me anymore, Darling.
You've found your destiny and I've still got nothing.
Do not rub it in my face.
Do not make it seem classified.
Just let me be apart of your soon to be great life.
Don't cut me down, I'm already too short.
But I won't go because you know as well as I
We were meant to be more than this.
Too bad God said no
Too bad you thought I wasn't worth the risk
I'm still not sure I was willing to take
This is hanging over us
Waiting to complicate.
----
I hope none of you who read this (if anybody reads this) thinks I'm trying to make all of what I say artistic. I'm not. So if you find some of what I say corny or cliche or you think I'm "trying to hard", sorry, but that's how it came out. The above started to rhyme, so I ran with it. I don't mean to offend.
If you can't guess by reading, I think a lot. I am going through my own self-revolution and deciding that the choices I make need to build up to something more than a carreer or college education. I guess, I'm finally realizing that all that anybody should want from life is to be happy. It's really the only attainable goal any of us can dream to reach. Glory, Fame, Wealth all play second fiddle to Happiness. I figure that if I live my life to be happy, all of that other stuff will follow in due time.
----
Me Right Now:
-I am missing two people I have no right to be missing.
-I've become very happy since I found one who appeared to be gone for good.
-I am getting happier since the other will be returning in a little under twenty-four hours.
-I am jealous of someone who has nothing other than God-given direction.
-I worry that they will gloat.
-I feel an immense love for my dog.
-I'm afraid to write something other than the fractured love story I've been writing for over a year.
-I fear no one reads this.
-I'm afraid I'm getting ahead of myself.
-I am addicted to The L Word (feel free to judge).
-I want nothing more than for him to call me.
-I don't care who I fall in love with as long as they love me.
-I found this song by Tegan and Sara called Hello and I like you should all listen to it.
-I wish I had someone to sing Quarter Past by Fall of Troy to, but what really fits is Back in Your
Head by Tegan and Sara. They always fit.
-"Someday I will never see you again, and you might not believe this, but you've changed me so much."
-Do you ever say the above to yourself? I do.
----
Quarter Past by Fall of Troy
Quarter past midnight,
Sittin' here in the moonlight
No offense my dear
I hope you know
Tonight I write... to you.
There's a question,
and a conversation
But did I mention,
a foul intention
Well let me demonstrate,
elaborate to your liking honey...
Haunt me, how you taunt me
Question after question,
Story after story
Tensions move way too fast
and I'm afraid to say
what would you think of me anyway
Here's a few things that I might say,
If you really wanna know
I've got nothin' in my way
...1 2 3 overdose!
You make me feel like I can fly,
keep me up all damn night
Incredible, I know you're skeptical
Believe me I'm not wastin' any time
I found what I had to find,
is what's on my mind
Sittin' here in the sunshine,
tryin' to put you outta my mind
But oh no my dear!
No way, now how
So much to learn,
so much to find out
What goes around comes around
In anyway, in any case
I'm losing face to find myself in your warm embrace
for just a day
Maybe tomorrow baby, but...
Not today honey,
not today baby
Haunt me, how you taunt me
Question after question,
Story after story
Tensions move way too fast
and I'm afraid to say
what would you think of me anyway
Here's a few things that I might say,
If you really wanna know
I've got nothin' in my way...
1 2 3 overdose!
You make me feel like I can fly,
keep me up all damn night
Incredible, I know you're skeptical
Believe me I'm not wastin' any time
I found what I had to find
In the final act you bend and wave
I won't let anyone harm you
Keep it together for another day
Come to my window,
I'll sing you to sleep
Hello by Tegan and Sara
Right now I feel so empty,
And someday won’t be ending,
Until I’ve done all that I can,
All that.
Until I’ve done all that I can.
One day, it’ll get easier,
'Cause right now,I feel so simple,
Until I’ve done all that I can,
All that.
Until I’ve done all that I can.
And so I said, "Hello hello hello, I’m right here.
"Oh, hello hello hello,
I’m right here.
I’m right here waiting for...
Drinking to yesterdays news.
I’m sorry I was late,
I was so blue.
Oh, my hands hurt from holding your hands.
And I’m young but it’s hard to believe,
yeah-e-ah,
That someday I will never see you again.
And you might not believe this,
But you’ve changed me so much.
But baby (baby) it’s so hard leaving you.
And maybe (maybe) this was the only, the only way.
Yeah, yeah.
But right now I wish I was older,
And right now,
You look so simple.
Now is not my time.
No, no,
Now is not the time,
And so I said, "Hello hello hello, I’m right here."
I said, "Hello hello hello, I’m right here.
"I'm right here waiting for...
Drinking to yesterday’s news.
I’m sorry I was late, I was so blue.
Oh, my hand hurts from holding your hand.
And I’m young but it’s hard to believe,
Yeah-e-ah,
That someday I will never see you again.
And you might not believe this,
but you’ve changed me so much.
But baby (baby), it’s so hard leaving you.
And maybe (maybe) this was the only, the only way.
Yeah, yeah.
But baby (baby), it’s so hard leaving you.
And maybe (maybe) this was the only, the only way.
Yeah, yeah.
But baby (baby), it’s so hard leaving you.
And maybe (maybe) this was the only, the only way.
Yeah, yeah.
'Cause someday I will never see you again.
----
Sorry most of this is song lyirca from songs on my on playlist (up in the corner^). I find they explain more of what's going on than what my words could at this moment.
(I think I made up the word lyrica....)
You've found your destiny and I've still got nothing.
Do not rub it in my face.
Do not make it seem classified.
Just let me be apart of your soon to be great life.
Don't cut me down, I'm already too short.
But I won't go because you know as well as I
We were meant to be more than this.
Too bad God said no
Too bad you thought I wasn't worth the risk
I'm still not sure I was willing to take
This is hanging over us
Waiting to complicate.
----
I hope none of you who read this (if anybody reads this) thinks I'm trying to make all of what I say artistic. I'm not. So if you find some of what I say corny or cliche or you think I'm "trying to hard", sorry, but that's how it came out. The above started to rhyme, so I ran with it. I don't mean to offend.
If you can't guess by reading, I think a lot. I am going through my own self-revolution and deciding that the choices I make need to build up to something more than a carreer or college education. I guess, I'm finally realizing that all that anybody should want from life is to be happy. It's really the only attainable goal any of us can dream to reach. Glory, Fame, Wealth all play second fiddle to Happiness. I figure that if I live my life to be happy, all of that other stuff will follow in due time.
----
Me Right Now:
-I am missing two people I have no right to be missing.
-I've become very happy since I found one who appeared to be gone for good.
-I am getting happier since the other will be returning in a little under twenty-four hours.
-I am jealous of someone who has nothing other than God-given direction.
-I worry that they will gloat.
-I feel an immense love for my dog.
-I'm afraid to write something other than the fractured love story I've been writing for over a year.
-I fear no one reads this.
-I'm afraid I'm getting ahead of myself.
-I am addicted to The L Word (feel free to judge).
-I want nothing more than for him to call me.
-I don't care who I fall in love with as long as they love me.
-I found this song by Tegan and Sara called Hello and I like you should all listen to it.
-I wish I had someone to sing Quarter Past by Fall of Troy to, but what really fits is Back in Your
Head by Tegan and Sara. They always fit.
-"Someday I will never see you again, and you might not believe this, but you've changed me so much."
-Do you ever say the above to yourself? I do.
----
Quarter Past by Fall of Troy
Quarter past midnight,
Sittin' here in the moonlight
No offense my dear
I hope you know
Tonight I write... to you.
There's a question,
and a conversation
But did I mention,
a foul intention
Well let me demonstrate,
elaborate to your liking honey...
Haunt me, how you taunt me
Question after question,
Story after story
Tensions move way too fast
and I'm afraid to say
what would you think of me anyway
Here's a few things that I might say,
If you really wanna know
I've got nothin' in my way
...1 2 3 overdose!
You make me feel like I can fly,
keep me up all damn night
Incredible, I know you're skeptical
Believe me I'm not wastin' any time
I found what I had to find,
is what's on my mind
Sittin' here in the sunshine,
tryin' to put you outta my mind
But oh no my dear!
No way, now how
So much to learn,
so much to find out
What goes around comes around
In anyway, in any case
I'm losing face to find myself in your warm embrace
for just a day
Maybe tomorrow baby, but...
Not today honey,
not today baby
Haunt me, how you taunt me
Question after question,
Story after story
Tensions move way too fast
and I'm afraid to say
what would you think of me anyway
Here's a few things that I might say,
If you really wanna know
I've got nothin' in my way...
1 2 3 overdose!
You make me feel like I can fly,
keep me up all damn night
Incredible, I know you're skeptical
Believe me I'm not wastin' any time
I found what I had to find
In the final act you bend and wave
I won't let anyone harm you
Keep it together for another day
Come to my window,
I'll sing you to sleep
Hello by Tegan and Sara
Right now I feel so empty,
And someday won’t be ending,
Until I’ve done all that I can,
All that.
Until I’ve done all that I can.
One day, it’ll get easier,
'Cause right now,I feel so simple,
Until I’ve done all that I can,
All that.
Until I’ve done all that I can.
And so I said, "Hello hello hello, I’m right here.
"Oh, hello hello hello,
I’m right here.
I’m right here waiting for...
Drinking to yesterdays news.
I’m sorry I was late,
I was so blue.
Oh, my hands hurt from holding your hands.
And I’m young but it’s hard to believe,
yeah-e-ah,
That someday I will never see you again.
And you might not believe this,
But you’ve changed me so much.
But baby (baby) it’s so hard leaving you.
And maybe (maybe) this was the only, the only way.
Yeah, yeah.
But right now I wish I was older,
And right now,
You look so simple.
Now is not my time.
No, no,
Now is not the time,
And so I said, "Hello hello hello, I’m right here."
I said, "Hello hello hello, I’m right here.
"I'm right here waiting for...
Drinking to yesterday’s news.
I’m sorry I was late, I was so blue.
Oh, my hand hurts from holding your hand.
And I’m young but it’s hard to believe,
Yeah-e-ah,
That someday I will never see you again.
And you might not believe this,
but you’ve changed me so much.
But baby (baby), it’s so hard leaving you.
And maybe (maybe) this was the only, the only way.
Yeah, yeah.
But baby (baby), it’s so hard leaving you.
And maybe (maybe) this was the only, the only way.
Yeah, yeah.
But baby (baby), it’s so hard leaving you.
And maybe (maybe) this was the only, the only way.
Yeah, yeah.
'Cause someday I will never see you again.
----
Sorry most of this is song lyirca from songs on my on playlist (up in the corner^). I find they explain more of what's going on than what my words could at this moment.
(I think I made up the word lyrica....)
Saturday, July 26, 2008
You're So Sly and I Am So Envious Yet Hopeful
It's so unlike you to be with me when you appear to be nowhere. But it's so like you to be there when I've finally think I can't go on anymore. How could I expect any less of you? There's a reason why the higher power brought you to me. It's the same reason you still think of me when there are so many seemingly better things to take up your thoughts. It's because we are together in this. Why did I ever doubt that?
I will write that story now, but it will be happier. I'll send it to you when it's finished. I can hear your voice now: "Natalie, I wouldn't say that." I'll reply saying it's only a story, but all the while hoping that some day you will say such a thing. I hope they let you come home so we can see that new Star Wars movie together. I hope they let you come home so I can try and bribe you to come to Prom with me. I hope they let you come home so we can rock out on my deck again.
I hope they let you come home.
But in the meantime, I know your secret. I know your alias. And it's enough for me to know that you are thinking of me when I so desparately need you. Hah, Tommy Powers, you're so sly.
----
One of my friends told me today that she new what she was going to do with her life. And she really does. She and a few other friends are going to spread Christianity across the world through missionary work. I am simply amazed by this. To me, to know how you are going to change this world is a wonderful thing. I don't exactly know how I am going to change the world, but I am nonetheless. So each action I take is considered under the thought of "this might be how I change the world". I envy this friend for not have to consider each action with that thought in mind. She just follows the path she has made for herself. How simple life must seem.
----
How odd. Last night at this time I felt so low and as if all was lost. I felt that the only thing to do was to change how I was living my life--to live only so long as I am happy. So I began down that path. Now, however, I feel so full of joy and hope that nothing can really bring me down. It seems as if the world is my oyster. Yesterday I told a girl who reminds me of my younger self that as long as you live to be happy you will end doing what you are supposed to be doing and be where you are supposed to be.
Today I actually believe that.
I will write that story now, but it will be happier. I'll send it to you when it's finished. I can hear your voice now: "Natalie, I wouldn't say that." I'll reply saying it's only a story, but all the while hoping that some day you will say such a thing. I hope they let you come home so we can see that new Star Wars movie together. I hope they let you come home so I can try and bribe you to come to Prom with me. I hope they let you come home so we can rock out on my deck again.
I hope they let you come home.
But in the meantime, I know your secret. I know your alias. And it's enough for me to know that you are thinking of me when I so desparately need you. Hah, Tommy Powers, you're so sly.
----
One of my friends told me today that she new what she was going to do with her life. And she really does. She and a few other friends are going to spread Christianity across the world through missionary work. I am simply amazed by this. To me, to know how you are going to change this world is a wonderful thing. I don't exactly know how I am going to change the world, but I am nonetheless. So each action I take is considered under the thought of "this might be how I change the world". I envy this friend for not have to consider each action with that thought in mind. She just follows the path she has made for herself. How simple life must seem.
----
How odd. Last night at this time I felt so low and as if all was lost. I felt that the only thing to do was to change how I was living my life--to live only so long as I am happy. So I began down that path. Now, however, I feel so full of joy and hope that nothing can really bring me down. It seems as if the world is my oyster. Yesterday I told a girl who reminds me of my younger self that as long as you live to be happy you will end doing what you are supposed to be doing and be where you are supposed to be.
Today I actually believe that.
Friday, July 25, 2008
It's about three o'clock in the afternoon, hot and sunny. We're just hanging out in my yard. You are happy. I am happy. And all of a sudden you just walk up my driveway and leave. Gone.
I awake from this dream only because you are softly shaking me--urging me to open my eyes and come with you. My eyes do open, and I do quickly escape with you. Although, I'm not quite sure why I must escape.
----
That is what has happened. My mind created a story so I don't miss you too much. I really did have that dream, but I didn't wake up to you. Instead I awakened all the more sure that I would never really see you again. I am afraid to write the story my mind has put before me. But I can't help it.
I don't really know when you left my life. All I know is that you did.
----
I continue down this path of lies. I have upheld entire friendships that are based on a single lie. I always keep people a little in the dark. And I feel that they know it too. I am someone you can trust, but as far as trusting others (at least, in a complete sense) is an impossibility. I do try to be this good person I claim to be, but does a good person manipulate people the way I do? No, but a mobster does.
----
I created this blog upon my aunt's urging. She has one. Another one of my aunts has one. I should get one. So I got one. I am Natalie and I can't jump for joy. I am missing one person very much. I am a slightly disabled person in an able-bodied world. The two people I confide I trust the most I am finding I don't know at all. This is not a bad thing, but a surprise. I am doing everything I can to end up happy, but I am never truly so. I find that I am wise and ignorant beyond my years. I am still trying to figure myself out before I figure anything else out. I am Natalie and I can't jump for joy.
I awake from this dream only because you are softly shaking me--urging me to open my eyes and come with you. My eyes do open, and I do quickly escape with you. Although, I'm not quite sure why I must escape.
----
That is what has happened. My mind created a story so I don't miss you too much. I really did have that dream, but I didn't wake up to you. Instead I awakened all the more sure that I would never really see you again. I am afraid to write the story my mind has put before me. But I can't help it.
I don't really know when you left my life. All I know is that you did.
----
I continue down this path of lies. I have upheld entire friendships that are based on a single lie. I always keep people a little in the dark. And I feel that they know it too. I am someone you can trust, but as far as trusting others (at least, in a complete sense) is an impossibility. I do try to be this good person I claim to be, but does a good person manipulate people the way I do? No, but a mobster does.
----
I created this blog upon my aunt's urging. She has one. Another one of my aunts has one. I should get one. So I got one. I am Natalie and I can't jump for joy. I am missing one person very much. I am a slightly disabled person in an able-bodied world. The two people I confide I trust the most I am finding I don't know at all. This is not a bad thing, but a surprise. I am doing everything I can to end up happy, but I am never truly so. I find that I am wise and ignorant beyond my years. I am still trying to figure myself out before I figure anything else out. I am Natalie and I can't jump for joy.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
