Friday, July 25, 2008

It's about three o'clock in the afternoon, hot and sunny. We're just hanging out in my yard. You are happy. I am happy. And all of a sudden you just walk up my driveway and leave. Gone.

I awake from this dream only because you are softly shaking me--urging me to open my eyes and come with you. My eyes do open, and I do quickly escape with you. Although, I'm not quite sure why I must escape.


That is what has happened. My mind created a story so I don't miss you too much. I really did have that dream, but I didn't wake up to you. Instead I awakened all the more sure that I would never really see you again. I am afraid to write the story my mind has put before me. But I can't help it.

I don't really know when you left my life. All I know is that you did.


I continue down this path of lies. I have upheld entire friendships that are based on a single lie. I always keep people a little in the dark. And I feel that they know it too. I am someone you can trust, but as far as trusting others (at least, in a complete sense) is an impossibility. I do try to be this good person I claim to be, but does a good person manipulate people the way I do? No, but a mobster does.


I created this blog upon my aunt's urging. She has one. Another one of my aunts has one. I should get one. So I got one. I am Natalie and I can't jump for joy. I am missing one person very much. I am a slightly disabled person in an able-bodied world. The two people I confide I trust the most I am finding I don't know at all. This is not a bad thing, but a surprise. I am doing everything I can to end up happy, but I am never truly so. I find that I am wise and ignorant beyond my years. I am still trying to figure myself out before I figure anything else out. I am Natalie and I can't jump for joy.

1 comment:

MyBlueHeaven said...

Oh Nats Girl you don't really have to jump for joy. Remember when I learned that you were going to be a big sister and I jumped for joy? You said to your Mom that you didn't know elderly people could jump. Well even if I couldn't jump I still would have been so joyful. Anyway that jump almost killed me. Love, Mamser