Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Jen is Rubbing Off on Me

I suppose I should admit what's going on, but I won't. This situation is far too cinematic to spoil with rational thought. And even though I am fully aware of the fact that in this type of movie, there is always a period of time where everyone is mad at the protagonist, things usually work out for the best. I'm willing to play through for the payoff--whatever that may be.


Philosophy of Religion is easily becoming the highlight of my week, I've established myself in World Lit II (Can you believe it--It's just like my World Lit Class from high school--ugh), and French is something I have come to dread.....but I will prevail. At least, that's what I tell myself.


At what point does a "philosopher" not have to support their point anymore? I mean, at what point do they go from the citer to the cited? I am only wondering because all of the stuff I've read thus far has not had a works cited page. Just a thought.


I always forget who actually reads this thing. Hahaha

Monday, August 30, 2010

Two Posts in One Day????? Is This the Apocalypse??????

I often ask myself why I didn't get rid of you. Or rather, why we didn't decay and die a years ago. Perhaps it's because I can make you laugh. I can always make you laugh. I can be silly and crazy and be an exaggerated version of myself and you will always laugh. It's valuable, but is it fair to you?


Searching for a song to fit....


There are so many questions
I have yet to answer
And with a simple glance
You add a million more
I have played this game
But never with such high stakes

And yet I don't even know
My motivation
I don't even know
My intentions

In its purest form
I just want to know
Who you are now
And who you were before


Colleen is going to go to Lindenwood.
She just doesn't know it yet.


That's what I need.
That, and I need to pay a trip to the gym.
I can't just expect results without effort.

"She's So Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh Above Me"

I love that song.


I realized today that I see everything through a camera lens. I see everything from a cinematic point of view, regardless if what I am actually seeing is the least bit cinematic. If the current "scene" isn't entertaining enough, I add dialogue, camera angles, lighting, etc. until I am snapped back into the original scene composition.

When I listen to music, all the songs trigger scenes that will never happen. They bring up words that will never be spoken. Like right now. I'm listening to music. You are here with me, but we are in the cold rain. You are saying "I'm not going to leave like he did. I'm not going to play games. I'm just here for you." You are crying--or rather the closest thing you can get to crying--and I am watching you, too shocked to say anything in reply. The song changes; the fictional moment ends. Yet, it was all too real.

Is this augmented vision a gift or a curse?

Can I use it to create something, or will I just have to learn to live with uncompleted scenes of fractured people randomly popping into my daily life?

Or am I just making this all up to justify what keeps replaying in my mind?

I hope not.


I bet Kim is jealous. Just a smidgen anyway. Haha

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Almost A Week In, Almost The Weekend

So. College really suits me. The learning atmosphere is amazing. Everyone wants to learn. That may have something to do with the fact that I only have one freshman class though......whatever.


I went to this church service thing through Campus Crusade for Christ today. They had free ice cream, so why not? But....I'm just going to say, I am not a fan. Maybe I'm too critical, but the speaker seemed to be trying sooooo hard to get us to relate to his message that he was actually losing people. He was talking about how he was such a partier in college, but that all changed when he found God. He said that God could change us too. Call me crazy, but most of the people who attend such a service are probably already changed or are ready to be changed by God.
It was nice though. Kinda like really watered down Steubenville.

It got me thinking though.
Maybe I won't find what I'm looking for until I make it.

Sunday, August 22, 2010


*Punch in the face*
Yeah, that's what I want to do.


So....the drum major at Lindenwood....hahaha
Pretty awesome person. To be sure.

Band practice tonight.
I have no idea what I'm going to play....but whatever.


Classes start tomorrow. I am so ready. So ready to learn relevant information. I already have everything I need laid out. Can you say nerd?


I miss Colleen a lot.
I miss my dog a little more.
I miss my mom a little more.


Lindenwood is almost perfect.
I say almost because they don't have a yearboook.

Monday, August 16, 2010

Entry of Doubt, Followed by a Declaration of Confidence

All I want to do is redo songs.
I'm always listening to songs and thinking of a different way to do them. It occupies quite a bit of my daily thought. Makes me second guess a lot.


I'm just going to say it:
I'm not excited for college. I'm ready. I need to go. But I'm not happy about it. Too bad I leave Wednesday.


I feel the need to create, but I never can. I can never write or compose anything of worth. What makes me think I can work in film? I don't really have any sort of vision. No trademark style. All I have is underdeveloped ideas and the uncanny ability to mimic. That doesn't get anyone anywhere.


Well, let's go.
Time to make something of myself.
Time to carve out my place.
I suppose I'll find the tools along the way.


"Hold me, whatever lies beyond this morning is a little later on. Regardless of warnings, the future doesn't scare me at all. Nothing's like before."

Just channel Square, just channel Square.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Why Did I Just Now Hear Rilo Kiley? Like Couldn't Somebody Have Given Me the Heads Up?

So I finally watched that Military Reunions Caught on Tape video that has been circulating on Facebook. It made me cry, but not entirely for what it was. I mean, it was definitely moving - all those kids crying, so relieved that their parents were home - but I still managed to be all self-centered about it.

I was jealous that I have never felt what they felt - total relief and contentment with someone they had been missing or worried about. How sick is that? Sure, I feel fortunate not to have ever had to feel that way. I have never been worried about the well-being of my parents or a significant other. But I feel that I am missing out on something. Like an untapped part of a relationship.

Well, I sorta felt that way once, now that I thin about it, but things were so strained and awkward that I don't really think it counts.

It's strange because any rational person would never want to be in that sort of position, and I certainly don't want to be either, but I still want to know what that feels like.


Oh, Kelsey.


I really should be packing right now........but I like blogging and reading sooooo much more.


I got my license, but I don't have a car (and probably won't until the absolute earliest of November - and that's a long shot), and my parents still don't think I should drive anywhere anyway. Especially my father. Quote: "Why don't we just shoot her in the head, it's about the same."


Thursday, August 12, 2010

The Big and Little Things in Life

Finally, Sadly, and Peacefully, the Cat is Dying.

Yes, after a little over 21 years, the cat is dying. For as long as I've been alive, that cat has been a character in my daily life. I just hope I forget her like this when she is gone, and remember her like she has been.

I dunno, this whole situation has brought up a lot of things for me.

I mean, we really can't do anything else for her except put her down, but my mother and I both agree that the trip would be too stressful for her (the cat - but perhaps my mother as well). My mother also thinks that she has no right the end Budbud's life. She is not God. I dunno if I agree with this. But I really don't want to put Budbud down. But I really don't want her to suffer. I just don't know.

I cried for like an hour tonight. It's a freaking cat though! Kim's father died this past spring and I am sobbing over a cat? I am deeply conflicted over a CAT? However, I sobbed and wrote a song over Kim's father passing as well. Again, I don't know.

Perhaps the worse thing is that in the back of my mind, I just see this as a preview for what I'll have to go through with my dog. Just thinking of losing him is making me cry. I mean, he's eleven. How many years could he have left? Granted, the average lifespan of a cat is nine years and our cat more than doubled that, but can I assume J.C. will be so lucky? He seems fit as a fiddle, but so did the cat in May. Ugh. I DON'T KNOW!

My mother says she will never have another pet after J.C. dies (or leaves with me....be positive), but I could easily say that I will get another dog. But will I think that when he dies? Will I think that I could possibly find another dog that could rival, if not be better than a dog that automatically walks around the flowers in my mom's garden and automatically decided to do his business in the woods and not the yard? Could I possibly find a dog that seems like he's smiling all of the time? Granted, there would be almost guaranteed improvements. Any dog I get would probably have teeth and would probably not have to be medicated for anxiety issues. But I don't know if those are actually improvements, or just elimination of great personality quirks. God help me. I don't know.


On a much lighter note.

I got new jeans today. (This is originally what I was going to blog about.) And the experience made me think a lot.

I love jeans. I really do. They are my favorite thing to wear - the perfect pair of jeans. However, they are REALLY hard to find!

I mean, everyone has their favorite pair of jeans that fit them just right. I've had several of those - worn until they were literally unwearable by law (like I could be charged with indecent exposure). I mean, first their were the L.e.i.'s - fit like a dream and were the embodiment of the American blue jeans. But then Walmart bought the brand and made them cheap and sucky. Then there were the Mossimo Skinny Jeans - skinny leg definitely compensated for the fact that they were too long for my short, stubby legs AND they were grey, which was very in at that time. Shortly after those were "retired" I found the offbrand of Mossimo, Exhilaration. They were cheap, fit well and looked good. But they were REALLY cheap and wore out faster than I could buy them. I decided that jeans I had to buy every two months were not a good idea. Ever since I've been looking for decent jeans that actually fit.

Today I decided to just buckle down and buy some and that was definitely stressful for a larger than average girl who is also shorter than average. I mean, yes, most department stores have jeans that come in three variations - short, regular/medium/average, and long - but I am actually shorter than the short variety. This is not a real issue if I buy skinny jeans because those just gather at my ankle rather than overflow my feet. But I noticed something today that was particularly annoying: NO ONE BUYS REGULAR/MEDIUM/AVERAGE! THEY JUST BUY SHORT AND LONG, BUT MOSTLY SHORT, SO I'M STARTING TO THINK THAT SHORT IS ACTUALLY AVERAGE. Definitely annoying for someone who is actually shorter than short and is just settling.

Another thing I noticed today (and I actually notice every time I try on clothes) is the handicap accessible dressing/fitting room. I want to ask: Does someone who would qualify actually use that thing? I mean, don't you think that someone who is in that much need would probably find less stress and hassle in just buying whatever, trying it on in the comfort of their own home, and then returning it, rather than killing yourself in a room with questionable locks and sanitation standards? I would like to think that the people that room is intended for would rather do that in their own home. Therefore, with my slight disability, if that room is unoccupied, I make a point to use it. I'd like to think the people whom that room was intended for wouldn't really mind. I'd just wish all the able-bodied people would stop looking at me with Squinty Eyes of Judgment.

Bottomline: I came away with five pairs of jeans in the hopes of not having to do that again anytime soon.

Monday, August 9, 2010

Nine Days Left

Everyone always asks "Are you ready for college?"
They should really ask "Are you ready to leave high school behind?"

I know a lot of people who say yes instantly, but after they thought about it - what leaving high school behind really meant - I don't know if all of them would remain so confident in their answer. I, for one, am not ready to leave high school behind. I am not ready to only see two/three of my friends on a regular basis. I am not ready to be faced with strangers for the most part. I am not ready to be completely unknown.

This may seem strange to some because I am very out-going. Shyness, anxiety - they are foreign emotions for the most part. I probably haven't felt them since kindergarten. College is a lot like kindergarten. It's like kindergarten's evil twin. For all intents and purposes, no one knows anyone. Thus, a child's task for eight hours a day, five days a week, and 180 days a year is to make friends. I am convinced that reason for all the play time. However, the key to kindergarten is that it is comprised of innocent five year olds - without bias or past experience. College is comprised of 18-23 year olds who have been jaded by life in at least one way or another, who want to make friends that don't conflict with their preconceived notions or personal goals in life. Fantastic.

Don't get me wrong, I am ready for college. For the academia, at least. I'm fine living on my own. And I like meeting new people quite a bit (generally, it's my favorite thing to do), but the atmosphere as a whole is quite scary.

Essentially, when someone asks me if I am ready for college, I instantaneously visualize me and all of my friends holding hands in a huge circle. Then, suddenly, some black hooded figure grabs one of my hands and breaks the circle. It becomes a horribly matched game of Tug of War with the superhumanly strong hooded figure on the right, all my friends on the left, and I am the rope. Eventually, my friends fail and I am then dragged away screaming in protest while I look back at my melancholy friends.

Yes, the two questions are different, but undeniably intertwined.


If I could bottle Us
If I could capture Us
If I could explain Us
The World would know
And the World
Would love Us

Sunday, August 1, 2010

"Soulmoo, Yahmoo" Actually is "So Move, Yeah Move"

Just F.Y.I.
The beginning of the song "I Can't Take It" by Tegan and Sara from their album So Jealous is rather....inarticulate. I finally looked up the beginning today. That's what they are saying. Hahaha.
I love that song. I can't wait to make a movie and put that song in the soundtrack....... :D


Really? Again? It's getting ridiculous. I actually prayed for you to go away during Church today. I'm trying here, really, but if God is going to make low blows like that, how does He expect me to feel? I'm thinking of asking Jesus to talk to Our Father. He's being a bit unreasonable, it seems. (In this one, your mother was rooting for me....ugh.)


Someone remind me to order my books for college.

And the freaking university staff needs to answer their freaking phones!


I don't want to scare anybody off or anything, but I recently discovered that I had a follower on this blog I didn't recognize. It's probably just a family member that I was unaware of having a blog, but if it's not that's okay too. It's kinda flattering.