Sunday, October 31, 2010

Why Do You Have To Be Like That?

I mean, I know you have insecurity issues and I know that a lot of it wasn't your fault, but why do you have to bring everyone else down?

Do you not get that what you do makes everyone have a bad taste in their mouth?


I'm so pissed right now that I don't even care who reads this.


One of these days, I am going to put you in your place.


Prick: n. slang. Commonly used to describe someone who is initially perceived as nice, but devolves into someone who clearly just wants to be the center of attention--even if that means bringing others down.
Example: Marc is such a prick. I mean, he's fun sometimes, but everything usually ends in some sort of personal argument.


I love my new shoes.
And Colleen.
And Matt.

Saturday, October 30, 2010

I Am Blessed

Today was amazing day. You know why? Because I spent it with Colleen, her mother and her little sister (Cassie). I seriously don't understand why I hadn't met Colleen earlier in my life (and by met, I mean why didn't I acknowledge her). She is the best. And her family feels like my family. It's great.


I just want to let you know, I enjoyed that breakfast.


I keep forgetting to get his number.


We talked about a lot of things. And we talked about someone else--not me--but it was still nice just to hear you say the word like it was totally okay. Like you wouldn't hate me if I told you that I fit there too. If this is to continue, I have to buck up and trust you like I say I do.

Monday, October 25, 2010

While I Am Working on My Philosophy of Religion Midterm

I really want to write a musical based on the music of Emery. Using the music of Emery, in fact. It fits so well, it's practically begging for it.


Rockband 3 TOMORROW!


I don't know what's going on, but I'm going to try to remain neutral.
I do that every time, but I'll be better this time.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Screw Being Cryptic

I've done nothing but try to do what's right for so long, but it seems that I don't even know what that is anymore. I just keep falling down every time. I look at the scar on my knee and remember what that meant to me.

It's not that I lost sight of it. It's just that I feel You have lost sight of me. Although, I know that to be untrue. It's a strange feeling, to be sure.

What's worse is that I feel that I have hurt Colleen, my best friend. Yeah, I said it. She's my best friend. I haven't had one of those in a long time, but I'm pretty sure that if anyone is my best friend, it's her. But I did nothing wrong! I keep trying my hardest to maintain what we had, but it's falling apart. I'd give anything to follow her around one more day.


That keeps coming back in my head. And it's true. I did not make false promises. I did not say anything wrong. And the truth is, Colleen probably doesn't even have a problem with me right now, aside from missing me. But one phone call two texts ruined my entire weekend. I was looking forward to this weekend all week, but NO! I had to be torn in two. Put in between a rock and a hard place. I felt guilt when there shouldn't have been any.

No, I didn't go to senior night a Seckman. I graduated last year, so I went to dinner with my mother instead.
No, I didn't go to marching band competition at St. Gen. It wasn't my band anymore, so I spent the day with my mother instead.
I had a fantastic time with my mother. It would've been fantastic if I did have this horrible and unwarranted feeling of guilt festering in my stomach.

It's just that I cannot be expected to compete with people who don't like to spend time with their mothers. Or with people who don't make plans outside of the Seckman Marching Schedule. That sounded really rude. But I really don't have a better way to put it.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

A Bit About Gay Marriage

If you really don't like it, don't have one.
It's okay.

Monday, October 18, 2010

If You Let Me Use Your Kitchenette, I Will Make You Dinner

You have no definition.
When I think of you I think of a package of indie-quasi-Christian cliches.
Stop hiding behind the ideas of others and make something for yourself.
Yes, I understand you agree. Yes, I understand you believe.
But do you understand that you are a parrot by your own conviction?
Say something you didn't hear someone else say, see someone else write, hear someone else sing.
Become yourself. AWAKEN.
Maybe then, I'll be able to look you in the eye.




No band today.
Sad day.


I could not be more proud of you.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Am I Awake? Am I Able?

All I ever need is a suggestion. Just barely allude to a concept, and I will think it all the way through to conclusion. Just suggest that something could happen, and I will know how, when, why, for how long, and the consequences.
Nothing needs to be concrete. Nothing even needs to happen. But I will know exactly how it could. I am not well.


Have you ever met someone who taught you why people love again?
Who taught you how to be human again?
Who made you realize that you had forgotten?
Have you ever met someone who made you feel like you were always supposed to feel?
Who made you feel like you were worth more than what you were intended for?
Who reminded you why you even bothered?


Me neither. But it would be nice, wouldn't it?


I watched an anime series (Claymore) on Netflix all day today. I finished it. It was intense. I didn't do anything else. Don't judge.


I' going to be nineteen in a month. Holy shit.


Some choice cuts from: The Age of Rockets

Elephant & Castle

"And you're the worst
At what you love the best
And up til now
An experiment"

Avada Kedavra

"Well, you're not brave if you still keep the letters
And you're not sane if you don't wanna get better
And you're not drunk if you can't stay in your lane, no
Well, you're not awake, but you haven't been sleeping
And you hate God, but you don't believe in him
And you're not scared, but you've still got your eyes closed"

Saturday, October 16, 2010




Switchfoot is actually better live than on their CD. It sucked because I couldn't see anything, but it sounded like GOD.


We (as in my roommates and I) are switching Steak n' Shakes. We will now exclusively go down an exit to get to Steak n' Shake, rather than go to the one that is basically across from campus. Why? Because of Latino Heat. He could very well be the sexiest man alive. I hate the word sexy and any form thereof, but this man deserved it. His name tag actually said Latino Heat.


Tomorrow (Today) I get my Vans. Win.


Confidence? Is that really all there is to it?

Thursday, October 14, 2010

The Great FALL of 10/14/10

I almost went two whole months without falling. But that ended today.

I was leaving my Lit class, which involves going down several flights of stairs. Of course, you know I don't go down stairs like a regular person. It's more like a controlled fall/walking anyway. Well, today, I missed one step, and fell.

I knew it immediately--I mean, I have fallen enough in my life to know when I'm really going to fall--so I automatically started try to slow it down. In case you didn't know, the amount of pain you experience after a fall is directly proportionate to how fast the fall is. However, slowing down a fall generally has the effect of making the fall LOOK worse than it actually is. That's understandable since it looks like you are falling in slow-mo to people standing by. I mean, everything looks better[worse] in slow-mo.

I hit the floor relatively softly in a spread eagle position. My iPod goes flying, so I retrieve and look up to see two guys looking at me with awesome expressions of horror. They both ask, "ARE YOU OKAY?" And I reply, "Yeah, I'm fine. I just missed a step. I am an idiot. Whatevs." They don't look too convinced but they leave me alone.

I exit the building and am in the process of reinstating my iPod, when I realize my phone is ringing. At some point during the Fall, I pocket dialed Jen. I hung up on her and continued on my way.

When I got to the room, I apologized to Jen for pocket dialing her, but I explained that it was because I was falling down the stairs. [See: Jen's status.] She forgave me.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010


That's what I am.
A test killer.
I destroy any test in my path.
I annihilated my French test.
And my Intro to Cinema midertm was a FREAKIN JOKE.
The class started and 12:30 and I was out by 12:40.
The girl I sit next to told me that she had been studying since Sunday. I had been studying since....11:30 today. She wasn't even half way done when I left. WTF?
[It will be even more hilarious if I get this test back and discovered that have actually failed....hahaha--but that is impossible!]
It was weird, then I got to go to band. I like band a lot.
It's slow going, but I am making friends.


I GET TO SEE THE ALMOST (and Switchfoot) ON FRIDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I am really excited. :)

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Crazy Pokemon Analogy (Continued)

So basically, if I manage to get a hold of a holographic Venusaur, holographic Machamp, and a holographic Alakazam, the Dealer will trade me that for the Charizard. Of course, I can't get the Venusaur without trading my original Eevee's Evolution set. And I can't get the Mechamp without trading my Nidoking. And on top of that, I can only get the Alakazam if I manage to get a hold of a Mewtwo, which I don't see happening in the near future.

Maybe I can try to convince the Alakazam guy that he really wants my Dratini, Dragonair, Dragonite set....hmmm....


Kellan and I talked yesterday. There. I said it.
I really actually feel a lot better.


So, judging by this morning, things are going a lot better than I thought.


Corrections: 2:34 pm

Walked passed
Said hello
Shocked, delighted
Response given

We both
Laughed shy
To the tune
I know, I know, I know

Monday, October 11, 2010


And it's only 11:15!!!!!!!!!!!!


Break Down:
102% on my Criminology Test (I would have set the curve, but my grade was too high apparently)
I have a B in French, so I could possibly have an A by the end of term!
I have band! WHOOHOO!!!!


I may regret writing this later, but people are like Pokemon cards to me. I just trade around until I get Charizard (you).

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Rather Depressing

Has you iPod (when put on shuffle) every brought you to tears?


I have often thought that this would all work out in the end. That I was just biding my time until you came to my doorstep, apologized, took me by the hand to you car and we would drive until we ended up where we were supposed to be--all the while, telling me that I was right all along.

But that time never came, and I know now it will never come.

I know it's immature and irrational to hold onto something like this for so long, but when you made it seem like a matter of time anyway, how could I not?


And here it starts
The era after
The era without
Your absence will not go without notice
But it will make little difference.

Transition the heart
Make the switch
From nothing to hurt
To nothing but nerves
At least it's something new.

And here it starts.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Waiting is So Much Harder Than Doing

I know you are probably tired of seeing me stare sad and defeated at my computer screen, but I can't help it. I am so down about this, yet so excited at the same time that I don't know what to do. You know I hate being stagnant like this.


I am going to get there.
One day, I will.


Correction: 5:18p.m.

Okay, so it's pretty much common knowledge that I am a creeper.
And I stumbled upon....the competition, so to speak.
I mean, you see that?

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Purpose Defeated

I wish I could stop caring and just say what I feel. I mean, isn't that what a blog is for? BUT NO. I have to censor everything and talk in code and use unspecific pronouns.

I say I'm ready to face it, but I'm not. It's funny because even when I feel like I am getting somewhere with this, I make myself remember that I won't be finished working until I--[fill in the blank]. And I am not ready to face that. To face them. Everything is tense now as it is, I don't need to add to it.

The worst part is that I can't focus on anything else. At least I know that I have time.

What does it feel like to actually get what you want?

You Can't Always Progress

I'm not going to lie--I am disappointed about how today went. It was just a blah day. And I didn't progress at all. But really, today was more of a regroup day. I see that now. I got to talk it out with you, and that was probably the most therapeutic thing I've done in months. We have an understanding. And that is more than I ever expected.


It's like this: I haven't really let go. I don't thing I ever will. I will always look at you and wonder what it would have been like. You are the embodiment of my regret.

I hate regret. It is the one thing I cannot stand. So I have guarded myself against it. The only way to guard oneself against regret, however, is to shut down--and that's what I have done up until this point. I didn't feel a thing for anyone like I felt for you.

But now that has all changed. Because, like when I met you, it was immediate. A fully formed and uncompromising feeling. With you, the circumstances didn't matter, and that is how it is again. I now find myself fighting to remember how I dealt with it.

Yes, day by day, I scrape every last paint chip off--but only to apply a different color.


Okay, I got chills when you asked me that. I'm serious.

Sunday, October 3, 2010

And I Had a Feeling That I Belonged

Today was a good day.


I got up this morning around 9:30, cleaned the coffee pot and made (awesome) coffee. Then I decide to subject the bathroom to the best cleaning I could give it with the supplies and knowledge I had at my disposal. By 11:30, the bathroom was clean enough so I could take a shower. After that, I went to brunch. I ate with Kim and some people from band. It was a good time. Then I got back and resumed cleaning. (The German blood was pumping.)

By the time Ash and Jen came back (they had left yesterday afternoon), I had cleaned the ENTIRE bathroom, re-organized the main dresser, did ALL the dishes, and picked up the random trash around the room.

I was very pleased. I will not let my efforts reverse themselves.


Fast-forward about two hours.

It's the game time. Lindenwood dominated, as per usual, therefore, the actually game is rather pointless. We one 50-something to 9. Yeah....

BUT the game duration was quite fun.

Up until today, the game set up consisted of the pit sitting in front of the drumline and, consequently, going deaf. Today, when we got to the stands, we decide to sit higher up so that wouldn't happen. Once we got situated, we had about a half hour to kill before the rest of the band would return to the stands and we would be trapped until the end of the game. We decided to get food.

Well, when the rest of the band joined us in the stands, they didn't like where we were sitting and we were forced to move down. Now, despite the fact that I would no longer be sitting by Kim and Ash AND that I had to climb down the bleacher stairs WITHOUT the use of a handrail, this was still a good thing. The drumline was in front of us, so our ears were safe, and I was now sitting by Megan and Amanda (funniest pair of people ever). I was thoroughly entertained for the evening.


After the game, Ash, Jen, and Jen's family (who attended the game as well) went to LU's rootbeer kegger. Basically, it was a block party with rootbeer as the main beverage. I bought I shirt because I made the guy get dig around for it and I thought they were free and they are cool, but it was five dollars. Still, no big. I like the shirt.

There was a band there, and it's pretty funny because Jen's dad is a sound guy for bands so he is always making the weirdest facial expressions and comments during any band's performance.

I also found out that Jen's parents recorded the performance, so my mom can still see it even though she had to go camping with Christopher this weekend. Yay!

Then Jen and Ash left to go home again for various reasons. I don't care, bottomline: I am alone again tonight, so I can actually think and I get to clean the floors tomorrow! YES!


One sad thing: I have no band on Monday. At first I was pleased, but then I realized that I don't go to band on Wednesday like everyone else because of Cinema class. So really, I don't have band until Friday. Sad day. :(


This week, my favorite song is Fast Car by Tracy Chapman.


All I wanted to do was fast-forward this stage and get to the stage where I can do as I please, say as I please, be as I please with you. You smiled and laughed and spoke, but I kept putting my foot in my mouth. I had no clever words. I could not be charming. But I have time and you know me now, so this was it. My catalyst. Not as big as I expected, but definitely sufficient. My foot is in the door, so to speak.


Thank you, Jesus, for all that you have given me.

Friday, October 1, 2010

What If You Could Only Speak the Truth? What Would You Say?

Time doesn't wait for anyone.
There is a part in every day
Where I lie to myself
And say that it's okay
Cause if I don't I think I'll go insane.
But the truth is
I only have myself to blame.

*Today's title and first section is from The Truth by Spill Canvas


SO....on my last French test, I got a 65%, and I was totally bummed. I mean, French used to be my blow-off class. I never really had a problem with French. Therefore, that grade really derailed me. However, I knew that the reason it was so low was because I was transitioning from teaching styles AND I took a year off. I mean, M. Arons was very systematic and he taught in a way that was meant to enable a student to learn the language from the ground up. Mme. Durbin on the other hand, teaches want is used in conversation. Her main focus is vocabulary and phrases, while grammar is supposed to be picked up through out. So naturally, my vocabulary was less than expect. Of course, this was horribly frustrating because I had a better grasp of French grammar then the majority of the students, but because I didn't know as many words, it didn't seem to matter.

BUT today, I got my grade back for my second test and I got and 82%! I've never been so proud of a B in my--oh wait, when I got a B on a Trig test once, I was more excited. BUT STILL.



Today, you said it first.
I was so surprised.
I probably looked like an idiot.


So I'm watching documentary about a faction of lesbians called "Agressives". Apparently, it's like a butch except...more butch? They are following four black women and an Asian woman. Apparently, Caucasians just aren't that...butch?

I dunno, I think the minorities wanted to make another minority within a minority. Hmmm....never a level playing field.....


I want to hear your words, not read them somewhere else.
Stop protecting yourself from living.