Thursday, September 30, 2010

The Truck is Still in the Parking Lot

Apparently my reactions are too much for Jen. But I mean, really. What did she expect when she told me that she and LaGrotta share the same birthday? Did she really expect me to be calm? NO. I FREAKED OUT, DAMMIT.


Please tell me I'm not right. Please tell me you feel something. I mean, I hurt you didn't I? You can't just let that pass by without feeling something, right? There has to be some sort of reaction--please, God, there has to be.


Is this my catalyst? If it is, it fits. It makes sense. And as long as it makes sense, I'm okay with it. I thought about that at breakfast today. You work like clockwork, so as I was reaping the benefits, I pondered if I really want to transition like this. From one state of living to the next, degrading one connection and gaining infinitely more. The truth is that I don't really know, but I hate the stagnant place I am in currently. And even though I don't really know if you are someone I will really get, it seems worth a shot.

Is that horrible?
Is it bad that I rarely feel truly connected to those who feel connected to me? It's like I have this switch in my brain. The switch turns off all superfluous elements to my feeling to someone and allows me say what I truly feel--at the root--without restraint. Once everything is switched back, I don't regret a word because it's true. It was clear and true.

Family is the exception, of course. Nothing is above family.

So as you chatted at breakfast, I decided that I am not horrible. I decided that I am okay with this transition. I decided that I am okay with my catalyst.


Now can something good happen, Jesus?

Wednesday, September 29, 2010


I just watched Memento. Amazing, simply amazing.


I am trying SO HARD not to hate you. It's unfair to feel that way about you. When I am near you, I cannot look at you. The mere mentioning of you, your voice, anything at all makes me want to scream. I am trying though. I try to remember that you weren't always an entity of distaste, but all that remains now is distaste. I almost feel sorry that a time is nearing when I won't need you at all. Because then you will hardly ever see me. I, on the other hand, cannot wait.





Correction: 7:07 p.m.

This is just further proof that you are too far gone for me to reach out to.
This is just further proof that you don't know what feeling is.
This is just further proof that you would rather remain silent than feel.
This is just further proof that shielding yourself means more to you than being yourself.

This is my blog. It's about me and my feelings, however fleeting they may be.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Today Was A Wash

The Good:

-Awesome timing equating to awesome victory. And a "Hello."
-An A on my first college English paper.
-French Onion Soup
-Godfather II

The Bad:

-Pointless FYE
-Falling asleep in Philosophy of Religion
-Having to find a way to watch Godfather II with internet out campus wide.
-Not being able to watch the last ten minutes.

Stuff In Between:

-Walking a lot
-Getting complimented on my hair
-Getting called on in English
-Getting two waters at lunch
-Chris re-adding me on FB


I suppose it really could be just a matter of time.


My favorite part of our talk last night was when you asked: "And how are you and ______?" like it actually meant something.

Monday, September 27, 2010

Speaking of Cups of Coffee

I finally bought coffee for my coffeemaker. However, I forgot filters, sugar, creamer, and a coffee cup. I am so organized.


You know the activities section on Facebook? I'm thinking of adding "Routinely getting my ass kicked by the French language." I think that is pretty fitting and accurate.


Dear Melissa Etheridge,

I understand that you are a singer/songwriter lesbian, but why, oh why, did you have to write the song Fearless Love? I mean, isn't that TOO typical? It's going to become one of those songs that I hate and love at the same time, but mostly hate simply because it is SO gay. Do you understand my predicament?

Hoping you are well,
Natalie Bridgmon


I see you, I hear you.
But I hate you.
I don't want to.
But I do.


Support and acceptance are nothing if you don't possess the controversial entity.


I'm ready to fall asleep knowing that I will wake up and you will be there, waiting for me outside. I won't have to try to find you. I won't have to guess about your day, I can simply ask. I'm ready to stop working at this and start working at that. At you and I.

This "you" really should be "anyone", but that doesn't read as well.

Friday, September 24, 2010

Cups of Coffee

So much for practicing. Of course, that doesn't mean the trip to the Scheidegger (sp?) was a total loss. That was unexpected, but very welcome. Consequently, however, that now meant that me walking around with music and mallets in hand had to somehow make myself not look like a meandering idiot. I think I pulled it off....I am going back at noonish.


Jen is great, btw. Really great.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

"Any Way You Want It, That's The Way You Need It!"

So....I've pretty much decided that if anything comes from this annoying feeling, the order in which I would dispense information would be as follows: Elizabeth, Jen, Ash (with maybe like a day/hour in between), then a week later Kim, the three weeks after that Colleen (and maybe Matthew). I think that's the safest bet.

Breakfast was a fail today. But what does it really matter? I'm too freaking shy (I know, right? Me, shy. I don't know how it happened, but it did.) to say anything anyway.

I'm trying to figure out why I want this to happen. Yes, you are attractive. You seem funny and educated, but...really? I first saw you and thought "yes" before I realized anything else, knew anything else. But alas, I am getting way too attached, way too immersed. If only I could take a step back.

It's confusing, however, that some people can just have great things plop in their laps only after merely voicing their wants. Could it truly be that simple? How do I get in that lane? That lane where you get what you want after minimum effort and want? Where seas part and mountains move simply to account for your needs. I only need to be that way for, like, a month. Promise.

I guess I just want something good to happen and stay happening for once in my life.

How horrible of me to say. It's not like my life is a perpetual series of sad events. I'm just lacking in some to share life with. It's kinda weighing heavy on me.


I found out that Walt Whitman spoke with a thick Brooklyn accent. He just got a million times better, in my opinion.


Correction: 2:32 p.m.

I'm pretty sure I've lost any remaining vestige of sanity I had.
Time to take a huge step back, chill out, and approach with caution.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010


I was there a little early. I thought almost too early. But it was barely 9 and you work like clockwork - you love clockwork - and there you were. I'm willing to bet you left no later than 9:15.


I really have to stop.


My dog had a mental breakdown, so instead of working on my paper, I came home. Poor guy. My paper's over last year's stuff anyway. Haha!


I'm with you, there, Freddie Mercury.


It will be interesting to see where I am a month from now.

Monday, September 20, 2010


Maybe it's just mental blockage. You know, like I think I shouldn't have it, therefore I don't get it.
Well, if that is the case:

I want this, I want this, I want this, I want this, I want this, I want this. Regardless.

I am prepared to face the consequences.


Is this really want you wanted? You wanted to cut yourself off from people who really cared about you? So all that happened, all that we have been through, all that we talked about just doesn't matter anymore? When you said we would be fine, I was pretty sure you meant it. I think you were too. What happened to make you change your mind?

Yes, I am upset. In part because of what you did, in part because I still love you despite that, and in part because you are forcing me into a decision I just can't make. I will give even though I know I shouldn't. I will fight on your side as I stand by theirs.

I want to take back my well-crafted words. I want to go back in time and decide not to get involved because I don't want to lose you. I don't want to lose anyone. I understand that sometimes it happens, but not like this. Please, not like this.


I can't wait to see The Almost!!!!! AHHHHHH!!!!!!


I have to remind myself, he doesn't care about me either. He doesn't care about anyone. But....
I still care about him. What happened?


Computer Refugee.

That's what I am. Or rather, that is what Jen is. Her computer doesn't have Word and Ash's trial just ran out so Jen is on my computer desperately trying to finish a lovely paper. It's 5 pages, she is taking forever, but she didn't have Hub, I am sure she is making great time. Therefore, I am blogging from Ash's pc. Maybe I've been spoiled by Sony for too long, but I am just not digging this experience from HP.


Hey, you, I am really glad we can talk again. You listen and sometimes you don't understand, but most of the time you do and it's fantastic. You don't presume a thing and you take me as I am, no questions (that I don't want to answer) asked. Thanks.


Colleen and Matt came to visit us today. God, I miss Colleen so! And I miss Matt too! Colleen should just except the fact that she should come to Lindenwood. It's literally just as good, if not better than any other school in the area (WashU aside). Matt is already getting used to the idea of transferring here next Fall and I for one think that's great.

This is the point where I should say that I am pretty damn sure that Matt and Colleen are going to get married and have two beautiful blond haired blue-eyed children and one adorable brown-eyed ginger. One of them will be my godchild. Yup.


You know me too well. You know, even if I am the most opposed, that I will be the first to take you back with open arms. You know I can't forget how we were. You know that I knew that from the beginning of all of this. You know that I am just as weak as I am strong.


Tomorrow's mission: Find out the Australian boy from my Criminology class' name. He wants to own his own bar. I want to live with him. So what? Who cares?


God, I want to perform.
Miss acting far too much. I want to be on the freaking stage. I miss playing too. Damn it.


Band is in the band room tomorrow. Oh, Life's simple pleasures.

Saturday, September 18, 2010

You Are Really Dumb, For Real.

I am at a standstill. I am as far as I can go with my current resources. Unfortunately, I do not know how to expand my resources as of yet. I suppose my next course of action will be the Trial and Error Strategy. Take everything I have and use it until I strike a chord. Until I open channel.

It's so strange. My Campaign Method worked so well in a High School setting. I don't know how to adapt it to account for all of the variables.

Although, I must admit, I am restraining myself. It's because I am afraid. I can't see this going anywhere. Well, I can, but there are so many consequences to my success. I don't know if I can commit to those quite yet.


Hide yer keedz.
Hide yer wife.

lolololol yes.


My first performance as a lion went well--or as well as can be expected. I went to Taco Bell with Meghan and Robbie afterwards...then I went back to the FPA...because I have...obligations. LIKE MY ROOMMATES. YEAH!


Okay, okay.
Doth protest to much.



An' hid yer husban' cuz ther rapin evrybudy out here!

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Today Was An Epic Win

Espionage - An Explanation:

So I tailed you from the cafeteria halfway to your first class. I was going that way anyway. It's not like a deviated from my normal route - I just walked a little faster.

So what? Who cares?


World Lit was amazing today. Oh the joys of translating poetry! Hahaha!


My mom took me out to lunch today and Jen went with us. We went to Fazoli's, so the food was good. And Jen....spilled her was hilarious. You really just had to be there.


I think if I met the twenty year old version of my Philosophy of Religion professor, I would be very lovesick. That guy is just plain awesome.

Of course, his paper is due's kicking my ass.


So I recently discovered this awesome band on my iPod. (Yes, I don't know everything on my iPod - I go to the library and systematically copy their entire inventory into my personal music library.) They are called The Noisettes. They are like indie classic rock. The frontwoman is so versatile. Corinne Baily Rae mixed with Janis Joplin. Crazy stuff.


Band tomorrow!
You aren't a figment of my imagination - you are very real and very attainable.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

I Know I Already Posted Today, But....

New plan:
Let go of it all. Stop trying to get understood. Focus on the goal and only the goal. I knew it from the beginning, now it's time to act like it. Remember, no one really gives a shit whether this happens except for me. Remember, I want something to show for all this work come Christmas.


Right now, I am listening to Arcade Fire via Lindsay George's blog ( Why wasn't I real friends with this girl? Her taste in music is fantastic.


I watched Citizen Kane today. I hope I don't end up like him.


I miss Mr. Hubbard and Mrs. Anderson.

Reasoning for Faith

If it weren't for God, I would be dying this week.
He is truly my Joy.

I realize that had I said the above statement just a few months ago, you, dear readers, would have thought I had gone crazy. You might still think that. Well, let me assure you that I have not lost my mind. I am just letting God in more. I am relying on Him more. I am listening to Him more. I am more mindful of the fact that there is an entity in this world that will help me succeed in anything I want as long as I keep Him at heart.

Okay so that still sounded kinda crazy.

I am still me. I still lie, I still deviate from the norm, I still curse. I was made this way. You could argue society made me that way, but I would have to disagree. If anything "made me this way" it would be my disability, and God gave me that. So. Therefore, God made me exactly the way I am. I am not fighting that anymore. I am not hiding that anymore. I am not keeping God out anymore.


I've almost been here a month. That's strange. There are a lot of things a miss and I a lot of things I don't. I've come to realize that boarding school is not a horrible thing that parents and the media always make it out to be.


Jesus, I need something good to happen.

Monday, September 13, 2010

You are my Joy, You are my Joy, You are my...JOY

*Listening to Seasons of Love and bobbing my head*


Can't, won't, just don't.
To do that again would cheapen all I am.
All I have become.

Can't, won't, just don't.
Let this take me again where I never want to return.
Where I never should have been.

Can't, won't, just don't.
Leave your strong embrace and well lit face.
You will raise me above.

And yet.
This hasn't left.
I immerse myself in you.
And the feeling remains.
I see it clear as day.
What could be in store for me.

Can't, won't, just don't
Can't, won't, just--

What will happen, happen already.


Okay, okay.
Time to do something.


Correction: 8:28

Better not give me grace, because I'll throw it back in your face.
At last the saga ends.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

3 + 4 = 7

Alright, I am scared. I'm scared to come clean to you. So I left you out. I told everyone else but you. Of course, now I feel even worse. So I'm going back and forth on whether or not I should. I'd like to think, judging by past conversations and on how much I think you love me, that if I told you, you wouldn't cast me out. You wouldn't disown me. You wouldn't leave me. Because, hopefully, you really do love me and we really are perfect together. Like you are 3 and I am 4 and together we make 7? Do you remember that?

The reason why this struck me now is because I was reminded of why God put you in my life. You were the beginning of my path to Him. Despite my (supposedly) sinful intentions, you brought me to the Light. The irony is beautiful.

However, that is another point of contention. If my intentions were so sinful, why was I still able to find my way? It leads me to think that they weren't so sinful as I thought. That maybe, just maybe, just as you were a catalyst to my realization that who I am isn't temporary, you were meant to make me realize that this isn't sin, and that the world needs to know. Were you to make me a missionary? It seems so considering the feeling just won't leave. Is this what they were talking about in July?

This is all the more reason for me to be truthful with you. You are and have always been my compass. How am I to find my way without you? You trust me, so now I suppose I must truly trust you.


I miss Lucy.


I think I finally figured out what I'm going to spend my monetary blessing on. Awesome Jen and Natalie Documentary!


525600 minutes.
How do you measure a year in the life?
How about Love?

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Who Slipped Novocaine Into My Pepsi?

I only ask because my brain seems to have gone numb.


Here I am, blogging out of pure boredom. I thought about playing Dragon Age, but I'm not really in the mood for that I guess. I wonder if Ash will every get her headphone jack replaced? Probably not. She may have every intention, but it won't happen. It's not like I don't like her music. Well, for the most part I'm fine, but if I have to hear another man whine (not sing) about his love for Jesus, I may just go see Jesus.


As you can probably tell, I'm not in the best mood right now. Everything that could possibly annoy me is doing so. I really think I'm just irritable because I haven't had band in two days. That and I really miss Colleen.


There was blowout last night. I think I let loose more than I meant to, but I don't regret a word I said.


My brain is melting right now.


I'm just pissed, I guess.
So pissed.

I wonder what would happen if I screamed?


4:36 Correction:

I just don't know what to do with myself.
I can't pour it out into a song because they are here.
I can't pour it out here because they read it.
Although, it's not like I can actually formulate anything into a sentence.
It's not like a new color, it's the new you.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Time and Thought

So you know that theory of Six Degrees of Separation? You know, only six people separate everyone from knowing anyone. I realize that is what I do all the time. I always employ that theory when I want to meet anyone in particular. However, in the current case, I am rather frustrated because I'm down to the last degree. Essentially, all that is left to do is wait for an opportunity, or some sort of catalyst. Dang it!


Megan invited me to a movie night tonight. I may go, I may not--if she ever gives me the time. Amanda's attendance is doubtful, however, so I wonder if my attendance would be considered productive or counterproductive. I have to be careful not to get stuck anywhere.


The CIA should just hire me already.

Monday, September 6, 2010

Stop. Before You Get...Hurt

Every night, when it comes time to finally go to bed, once I lay down my back spasms. It arcs. Every muscle uncoils in an order; progressively working their way down to my lower back. It is as if every stress of the day is exiting me through my back.

Yet, tonight, as I listen to the sirens coming in through my window and watch the street lamps play on my ceiling, I feel different. As my back unknots itself, it is not stress leaving my body—it is my body transforming. I am becoming a new self. A self capable of handling the challenge that is sure to come. I am shedding my former restraints—inhibitions—and becoming enough.

Newly born, I marvel at my weightlessness, at my cleanliness. I smile, and then frown because I know I have chosen a most grisly task. It is sad that I became this free only to rush to shiny, new shackles. My only hope is that they become a home. Please, open your arms to me.


I meant to write that Thursday Night/Friday Morning.

Saturday, September 4, 2010

Danny's Girl is Not an 80's Song

So I had the song "Jesse's Girl" stuck in my head all day. However, I had it in my head as "Danny's Girl". When I heard the song by chance this evening, I had to restrain myself from laughing. Hahaha....subconsciousness is hilarious.


This isn't a new game.
You aren't a new target.
This is just a new all consuming phase of my life.
That doesn't sound as nearly as comforting as it feels.
But this, in many ways, is easier to deal with.


I'm going back and forth on whether or not I should take up guitar lessons again. Whether or not I have the credit hours to do so. I mean, I realized that my skill level is totally proportionate to the amount of motivation I have to excel. I quit lessons when I was thirteen because I was more motivated to learn songs I wanted to learn and see how far I could get on my own and start a band and stuff. So here I am, five years later with no band, and my current skills are exhausted. Now I am motivated to go to lessons. But will it be worth it? I mean, it will on some level regardless, but really. Worth it? I dunno.

Friday, September 3, 2010

Sleep is for the Weak

I am really freaking tired, but I can't sleep until I get tonight out of my system.
So much information to process.


We had our first game tonight. I was pretty stoked until I went to put my uniform on. Someone had taken my pants and replaced them with a smaller pair. I was annoyed. So the majority of the time that I supposed to be getting ready for the game, I was walking around reminding Amanda that I didn't have pants. I also looked for pants. I didn't get any pants until five minutes before we left to the field.

When we get to the field, Pit headed for the stands. We watched pre-game and kept our eyes on the huge black cloud that was approaching. Okay, so it's not like Amanda's conducting is amazing, but it is still better than anything I have ever had the chance to work with. (No offense to any of the former drum majors I have dealt with--you did your best and it was the best I could expect at the time.) Then, about ten minutes into the game, we have to evacuate from the stands due to lighting. The band relocates to this hallway in Hyland and I settle down to get to know my new acquaintances Amanda, Megan, and Robbie better. It was good for the first half hour. Pretty hilarious, actually, but the last hour and half was not fun. Then we got to leave. Yay!

I went to DQ with Ash and Jen afterwards. Kim and Katie J. showed up later. It was nice. Then we when back to the room and I started on my French I am here.


They say you get rid of the rock until you get David.
I say you get rid of the rock until you get You.
Perhaps you are and abstract,
And perhaps now I have to backtrack,
But it will all work out in the end.
I will call you "friend".

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

"I'm Gonna Break Down These Walls I Built Around Myself. I Wanna Fall So In Love With You And No One Else."

So....our first game is tomorrow. I'm interested to see how it turns out. My new pal Jamie said, "At my old school, we would always sound like ass on the practice before the game, but we would be fine during the game. Let's hope we're like that."
I agree, Jamie.

But besides that, I am so excited for the game!!!!!!!!! Ahhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!


I had an hour and a half conversation with Jen about literally everything today. It was nice. Really nice. Thanks Jen!


I am so strange. I have this horrible habit of wanting something so much (which really isn't even that much) that I trick myself into believing that I have it. Of course, this only leads to frustration and disappointment. I can't "want" something into being, unfortunately.


Aha, success, triumph!
I made you laugh. A lot. And the best part is--You were right--I didn't mean to.

Haha, who am I kidding?