Thursday, September 30, 2010

The Truck is Still in the Parking Lot

Apparently my reactions are too much for Jen. But I mean, really. What did she expect when she told me that she and LaGrotta share the same birthday? Did she really expect me to be calm? NO. I FREAKED OUT, DAMMIT.


Please tell me I'm not right. Please tell me you feel something. I mean, I hurt you didn't I? You can't just let that pass by without feeling something, right? There has to be some sort of reaction--please, God, there has to be.


Is this my catalyst? If it is, it fits. It makes sense. And as long as it makes sense, I'm okay with it. I thought about that at breakfast today. You work like clockwork, so as I was reaping the benefits, I pondered if I really want to transition like this. From one state of living to the next, degrading one connection and gaining infinitely more. The truth is that I don't really know, but I hate the stagnant place I am in currently. And even though I don't really know if you are someone I will really get, it seems worth a shot.

Is that horrible?
Is it bad that I rarely feel truly connected to those who feel connected to me? It's like I have this switch in my brain. The switch turns off all superfluous elements to my feeling to someone and allows me say what I truly feel--at the root--without restraint. Once everything is switched back, I don't regret a word because it's true. It was clear and true.

Family is the exception, of course. Nothing is above family.

So as you chatted at breakfast, I decided that I am not horrible. I decided that I am okay with this transition. I decided that I am okay with my catalyst.


Now can something good happen, Jesus?

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