Friday, December 26, 2008

Cinematic Moments Are the Best

I am living in a state I never thought I would be living in.
My dearest friend knows my darkest secret.
Yet, they have not abandoned me.
They have not said the horrible words I swore I would hear.
They have not cut me off.
I am not forced to observe them from an afar.
Quite the contrary.

Though the direct aftermath was Hell.
And it seemed all my fears were now staring me in the face.
In those few days of solitude,
I was prepared to suffer my fate, life without them, without protest.
But it seems that, as they predicted, they could not bear it.
They needed me as much a I need them.
And were willing to forgive me.
I did not account for this,
And from it grew the hope that maybe I could live the life I had seemingly destroyed.
What an impossibility.

When they reached out to me,
All my well-rehearsed apologies didn't matter.
And their cinematic declaration proved sound.
We are closer.
We are stronger.
And I find that I had it all wrong.
When the others told me I got the wrong one, I denied it.
But it's proved to be more true than any other statement made.
The sun is higher than the sky.
And I feel free at last.

The declaration comes back to me now, and I smile.
Promise you won't hate me after this, okay?
You know I can't do that. You make me laugh too much.
Well, I hope that proves true.
And may be the others were right.
Maybe I did get the wrong one.
All I know is that now I feel that I got the best one.
They know that I lie, and they finally see me with all my flaws.
And they still trust me.
They still love me.

I am in a state of living I never thought I'd be living in.
It's called Euphoria.


Sorry about neglecting my blog for so long!
Although, I really don't know who reads this aside from my aunts....

My December was rough.
My report card will suck, and I probably failed Trig, but you know I don't actually need three credits of math to graduate so it doesn't really matter.
I had....I guess you could call it a fight even though it really didn't involve any normal aspects of a fight with my best friend and was given the Cold Shoulder TIMES A BILLION for a week and about died because of it. (That's what the first part of this post is about.)
Of course, this all ties into the all the people I've previously mentioned in this blog such as Ed, Jacob, and Alice, so for all of you out there (my aunts) trying to figure out who the Hell I'm actually talking about--here's another piece of the puzzle! (Cris, don't be a cheater and ask my mom either! She doesn't know! Hahaha!)
Obviously, I'm in a much better mood right now. I'm just really bored because I haven't seen anyone aside from my family for a solid week. I mean, I love them, but I am definitely missing Ashley and Jen and Kim and LUCY! (Even though I wouldn't be able to see Lucy anyway because she's in freaking SOUTH DAKOTAH!) (Same with Kim--she's in freaking MICHIGAN!) Is it so much to ask to have friends over ONE day over break? Blahhhhhhhhh! Or perhaps some cousins? Seriously...Chrismas=Extended family too, righ?! But I guess I'll get to see everybody tomorrow at the family Christmas, so I really shouldn't be complaining. But I am. Hahahaha.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

I Can't Wait

I can't wait until I'm older
So I can finally tell you all the things
I say when I'm alone
That you don't hear, but I whisper
That I sing, but you don't know are about you
That I believe so fully, but are so afraid to reveal
I can't wait to be a martyr of my own words
Because apparently
When I'm older
What I want to tell you will be better received
With open arms possibly
Because you are in worse shape than me
Or so I observe

I can't wait until these visions go away
So I can stop seeing you hurt a million times a night
So I can stop shaking, convulsing, dying
As I see your car twisted
As I see you lying in the hospital bed
Almost dead but still breathing
As I hear my friends ask if I have been crying
And as I reply that I have with more tears than before
As I see you wake to me confiding all the the things I've yet to say
Destroying the best friend I promised never to hurt
Destroying the facade I've allowed to grow
Destroying my the only thing I have left
This secret that is you

I can't wait until something comes to take my lazy eye of a mind
On to someone else and off of you.
But I what an impossibility
Because as long as the sky is blue
I will love you

This Declaration goes for two
Opposites, but two halves of the whole that is my heart


My birthday is Monday.

Twilight and my party are Friday.

I have the first season of DBZ to watch.

Friday, October 17, 2008

And This is the Life I Chose

School: 7am-3pm Monday-Friday
Yearbook: 3pm-? (and occasionally any days we have off school i.e. today) Most days, Monday-Friday
(Except on Thursdays--Marching Band: 6pm-9pm)
Marching Band: Most Fridays (5pm-7pm) and Entire Weekends

Friends, yes.
Anything else, no.
Mental breakdowns are a'comin'!

(Oh and I owe my mom 50 bucks with no way to pay her off, and I don't have my driver's permit with one month until my seventeenth birthday.)

Monday, September 15, 2008


I think I found Jacob, but I can't be sure.
He's the only character I can't cast permanently yet.


In case you haven't realized, I use the relationships already developed by the characters of the Twilight Saga by Stephenie Meyer (worth reading) in order to explain my current situation. It doesn't completely explain everything, but it works.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Back to Square One (Again)

I just don't understand.

One minute, I've got everything figured out.
But then (like always) I realize I don't.
And it's not like anything major happens--I just realize I was wrong.

How can the very nature of oneself be hidden from one's own mind and heart for decades at a time? How can something of that magnitude stay hidden, lying dormant, waiting for just the right person to allow oneself to finally see one's own soul correctly for the first time?

How can my mom the music major say she hates band,
Hates theatre,
Hates music?

How come, every once and a while, I really do know where I'm going, where I am, who I love, who I hate, what I love, and what I hate? Why does it have to be so sporadic, arbitrary and random?

It just baffles me.

All I know is when I'm with Alice, I am truly happy and stress free, however odd that may seem. It's like I forget that you are miles and miles away, that I Edward will never truly be as I want him, and I can finally shake this feeling that I'm truly alone.

She is someone I know I could never live without.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

The Saying Goes...

"There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, and who always will. So don't worry about people from your past. There's a reason why they didn't make it to your future."

If that's true, what if some from your past propels themselves into your future?
What happens then?

Saturday, August 23, 2008

In Case You Are All Facebook Fiends....

...this post disappeared?!

Anyways, I'm in a Facebook relationship (not a real one) with Surfer Boy.

Sunday, August 17, 2008

I Really Need to Get My Act Together

Blogging upon request is difficult, but blogging because you just realized the object of all you affections, Ed, is moving back to their not-too-far-away institute of higher learning is easy. Again the song is pulsing through my veins.
I guess I'll have to wait until May to truly see their immaculate face again. But until then, I guess Alice's beaming face will have to do. She still has no idea that certain expressions she makes give me chills. The resemblance cannot be ignored. Will Jacob make an appearance this year, or will I have to wait without a sun to light my rainy days yet again? You know I will gladly forget Ed for you, so what's the hold up?


I have recently started a new novel because I was feeling to suffocated with the one I have been working on for more than a year. I realized to get you to feel what I wanted you to feel from reading it, I would have to totally change the dynamic of EVERYTHING. Right now, I'm not in the proper place for that kind of stress.

Craving something easy, I started the new novel. Starting a new novel is always easy. The plot itself is predictable until the very end. I'm focusing more on the characters more than I have ever done before. The relationships are predictable as well, but more thoroughly explained than in my last novel. It is also more of a departure from my usually scenarios. Supernatural elements permeate, but aren't really in the foreground. It is a character study at heart. The reader will cry at the end.


Ollie Ollie Oxen Free!
Come out from hiding.
Or at least give me a clue.
Don't you want me to find you?

Guess not.

Thursday, August 7, 2008

A Vampire Surfer Boy Who Bakes Cookies? What?

I read that book. You know, Breaking Dawn? Yeah, it was really good. Well, most of it was. There were about 200 pages that I felt had no purpose. However, there were exactly 222 pages that make the book worth everything. Out of 743 pages, I suppose the majority of it was good.
But I feel cheated, in a way.
I feel that the main character made the wrong choice.
I feel that the author twisted logic and tradition to fit her own agenda.
I suppose that's okay for an author, but when one describes someone as frozen in the point of time where they ceased to live as a human and merely existed one expects that all organs cease working. If that was not the case, I would've appreciated being told so.
As far as I'm concerned, vampires shoot blanks.


I have baked around a million cookies within this past week. I almost feel like declaring that I will never bake another cookie again!

But alas! That is untrue.


Surfer Boy (who I have never mentioned before on this blog) got his braces off. It was a definite improvement. We are nothing more than friends. I mean, every once and a while he makes me feel like someone could actually consider loving me.
But as I said, we are nothing more than friends, so he does not.

Thursday, July 31, 2008

False Alarm

You aren't really coming back, are you? I fell in, but you aren't going to catch me. I guess I always knew that. So this whole thing--me missing you beyond measure, finding you at last, and just waiting for things to go back to normal--was just a false alarm? Why then, would you reach out to me in the first place? Why couldn't you just leave me alone so I could finally learn to live without you? I guess that song I wrote is still relevant. And I guess I shouldn't restrain things between me and him. I guess I have to be the one to leave you behind this time. What a change.


I really hate the last weeks of summer. My mom always tries to cram stuff in--family activities and such. I'd rather just relish my last days free of school pressure. Of course, I have yet to do my summer homework.

Sunday, July 27, 2008

Lyrica: n. pl. That of lyrics

Please, don't try to one-up me anymore, Darling.
You've found your destiny and I've still got nothing.
Do not rub it in my face.
Do not make it seem classified.
Just let me be apart of your soon to be great life.
Don't cut me down, I'm already too short.
But I won't go because you know as well as I
We were meant to be more than this.
Too bad God said no
Too bad you thought I wasn't worth the risk
I'm still not sure I was willing to take
This is hanging over us
Waiting to complicate.


I hope none of you who read this (if anybody reads this) thinks I'm trying to make all of what I say artistic. I'm not. So if you find some of what I say corny or cliche or you think I'm "trying to hard", sorry, but that's how it came out. The above started to rhyme, so I ran with it. I don't mean to offend.

If you can't guess by reading, I think a lot. I am going through my own self-revolution and deciding that the choices I make need to build up to something more than a carreer or college education. I guess, I'm finally realizing that all that anybody should want from life is to be happy. It's really the only attainable goal any of us can dream to reach. Glory, Fame, Wealth all play second fiddle to Happiness. I figure that if I live my life to be happy, all of that other stuff will follow in due time.


Me Right Now:
-I am missing two people I have no right to be missing.
-I've become very happy since I found one who appeared to be gone for good.
-I am getting happier since the other will be returning in a little under twenty-four hours.
-I am jealous of someone who has nothing other than God-given direction.
-I worry that they will gloat.
-I feel an immense love for my dog.
-I'm afraid to write something other than the fractured love story I've been writing for over a year.
-I fear no one reads this.
-I'm afraid I'm getting ahead of myself.
-I am addicted to The L Word (feel free to judge).
-I want nothing more than for him to call me.
-I don't care who I fall in love with as long as they love me.
-I found this song by Tegan and Sara called Hello and I like you should all listen to it.
-I wish I had someone to sing Quarter Past by Fall of Troy to, but what really fits is Back in Your
Head by Tegan and Sara. They always fit.
-"Someday I will never see you again, and you might not believe this, but you've changed me so much."
-Do you ever say the above to yourself? I do.


Quarter Past by Fall of Troy

Quarter past midnight,
Sittin' here in the moonlight
No offense my dear
I hope you know
Tonight I write... to you.

There's a question,
and a conversation
But did I mention,
a foul intention

Well let me demonstrate,
elaborate to your liking honey...
Haunt me, how you taunt me
Question after question,
Story after story
Tensions move way too fast
and I'm afraid to say
what would you think of me anyway

Here's a few things that I might say,
If you really wanna know
I've got nothin' in my way
...1 2 3 overdose!

You make me feel like I can fly,
keep me up all damn night
Incredible, I know you're skeptical
Believe me I'm not wastin' any time
I found what I had to find,
is what's on my mind

Sittin' here in the sunshine,
tryin' to put you outta my mind
But oh no my dear!
No way, now how
So much to learn,
so much to find out
What goes around comes around
In anyway, in any case
I'm losing face to find myself in your warm embrace
for just a day
Maybe tomorrow baby, but...

Not today honey,
not today baby

Haunt me, how you taunt me
Question after question,
Story after story
Tensions move way too fast
and I'm afraid to say
what would you think of me anyway

Here's a few things that I might say,
If you really wanna know
I've got nothin' in my way...
1 2 3 overdose!

You make me feel like I can fly,
keep me up all damn night
Incredible, I know you're skeptical
Believe me I'm not wastin' any time
I found what I had to find

In the final act you bend and wave
I won't let anyone harm you
Keep it together for another day
Come to my window,
I'll sing you to sleep

Hello by Tegan and Sara

Right now I feel so empty,
And someday won’t be ending,
Until I’ve done all that I can,
All that.
Until I’ve done all that I can.
One day, it’ll get easier,
'Cause right now,I feel so simple,
Until I’ve done all that I can,
All that.
Until I’ve done all that I can.
And so I said, "Hello hello hello, I’m right here.
"Oh, hello hello hello,
I’m right here.
I’m right here waiting for...

Drinking to yesterdays news.
I’m sorry I was late,
I was so blue.
Oh, my hands hurt from holding your hands.
And I’m young but it’s hard to believe,
That someday I will never see you again.
And you might not believe this,
But you’ve changed me so much.
But baby (baby) it’s so hard leaving you.
And maybe (maybe) this was the only, the only way.
Yeah, yeah.
But right now I wish I was older,
And right now,
You look so simple.
Now is not my time.
No, no,
Now is not the time,
And so I said, "Hello hello hello, I’m right here."
I said, "Hello hello hello, I’m right here.
"I'm right here waiting for...

Drinking to yesterday’s news.
I’m sorry I was late, I was so blue.
Oh, my hand hurts from holding your hand.
And I’m young but it’s hard to believe,
That someday I will never see you again.
And you might not believe this,
but you’ve changed me so much.
But baby (baby), it’s so hard leaving you.
And maybe (maybe) this was the only, the only way.
Yeah, yeah.
But baby (baby), it’s so hard leaving you.
And maybe (maybe) this was the only, the only way.
Yeah, yeah.
But baby (baby), it’s so hard leaving you.
And maybe (maybe) this was the only, the only way.
Yeah, yeah.
'Cause someday I will never see you again.


Sorry most of this is song lyirca from songs on my on playlist (up in the corner^). I find they explain more of what's going on than what my words could at this moment.
(I think I made up the word lyrica....)

Saturday, July 26, 2008

You're So Sly and I Am So Envious Yet Hopeful

It's so unlike you to be with me when you appear to be nowhere. But it's so like you to be there when I've finally think I can't go on anymore. How could I expect any less of you? There's a reason why the higher power brought you to me. It's the same reason you still think of me when there are so many seemingly better things to take up your thoughts. It's because we are together in this. Why did I ever doubt that?

I will write that story now, but it will be happier. I'll send it to you when it's finished. I can hear your voice now: "Natalie, I wouldn't say that." I'll reply saying it's only a story, but all the while hoping that some day you will say such a thing. I hope they let you come home so we can see that new Star Wars movie together. I hope they let you come home so I can try and bribe you to come to Prom with me. I hope they let you come home so we can rock out on my deck again.

I hope they let you come home.

But in the meantime, I know your secret. I know your alias. And it's enough for me to know that you are thinking of me when I so desparately need you. Hah, Tommy Powers, you're so sly.


One of my friends told me today that she new what she was going to do with her life. And she really does. She and a few other friends are going to spread Christianity across the world through missionary work. I am simply amazed by this. To me, to know how you are going to change this world is a wonderful thing. I don't exactly know how I am going to change the world, but I am nonetheless. So each action I take is considered under the thought of "this might be how I change the world". I envy this friend for not have to consider each action with that thought in mind. She just follows the path she has made for herself. How simple life must seem.


How odd. Last night at this time I felt so low and as if all was lost. I felt that the only thing to do was to change how I was living my life--to live only so long as I am happy. So I began down that path. Now, however, I feel so full of joy and hope that nothing can really bring me down. It seems as if the world is my oyster. Yesterday I told a girl who reminds me of my younger self that as long as you live to be happy you will end doing what you are supposed to be doing and be where you are supposed to be.

Today I actually believe that.

Friday, July 25, 2008

It's about three o'clock in the afternoon, hot and sunny. We're just hanging out in my yard. You are happy. I am happy. And all of a sudden you just walk up my driveway and leave. Gone.

I awake from this dream only because you are softly shaking me--urging me to open my eyes and come with you. My eyes do open, and I do quickly escape with you. Although, I'm not quite sure why I must escape.


That is what has happened. My mind created a story so I don't miss you too much. I really did have that dream, but I didn't wake up to you. Instead I awakened all the more sure that I would never really see you again. I am afraid to write the story my mind has put before me. But I can't help it.

I don't really know when you left my life. All I know is that you did.


I continue down this path of lies. I have upheld entire friendships that are based on a single lie. I always keep people a little in the dark. And I feel that they know it too. I am someone you can trust, but as far as trusting others (at least, in a complete sense) is an impossibility. I do try to be this good person I claim to be, but does a good person manipulate people the way I do? No, but a mobster does.


I created this blog upon my aunt's urging. She has one. Another one of my aunts has one. I should get one. So I got one. I am Natalie and I can't jump for joy. I am missing one person very much. I am a slightly disabled person in an able-bodied world. The two people I confide I trust the most I am finding I don't know at all. This is not a bad thing, but a surprise. I am doing everything I can to end up happy, but I am never truly so. I find that I am wise and ignorant beyond my years. I am still trying to figure myself out before I figure anything else out. I am Natalie and I can't jump for joy.