Wednesday, December 29, 2010


I have a cold. For the first time in like......ten years, I have a cold. And my back/neck hurts.


So, I was thinking about having people for New Year's Eve for the soul purpose of seeing Colleen. But then I get a text from Vishal this morning (it was actually at around 10:45 last night, but I was already asleep because I have a cold) that he's having people over. I've never been to Vishal's house. Naturally, I have to attend. PLUS, Vishal is awesome.

However, now I have to devise another way to see Colleen. Lord, I miss her. So much.

If she read this, she would know.
But then she would know.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010


It's hard to imagine that it was only a few months ago when every song I ever heard always reminded me of you. I was convinced that you were all I ever needed. You were it.

It's still like that, except you won't talk to me. You won't trust me. We can't talk. It's not a broken heart. It's a missing heart.


And we were so convinced that we would be okay. That we were different than everyone else.
Guess not.


Today, while in the car to AL, I decided to soundtrack my movie (that I haven't written). I came to the conclusion that, instead of having a professional soundtrack it, I just want to reassemble the Seckman Dominance Program. Quartet, Jazz I, Symphonic Band. YOU KNOW.
Brett and Jordan will arrange the pieces.
If I need something modern, Rory can make in FL Studio.
Like, I'll have a few pop songs, but I'm not going to use a lot.


Tuesday, December 21, 2010

This Day (Yesterday) Has Consisted Of...

Almost going to Seckman.
Getting really Angry at my phone.
Yelling at my phone.
Downloading FL Studio 8 times.
Watching Tegan and Sara/Hayley Williams Interviews.
Downloading the Unlock 8 times.
Playing Pokemon Platinum.
Downloading two separate torrent viewers.
Restoring my computer.
Downloading a Harry Potter Theme for my computer.
Realizing that my computer has a huge problem because I have two program folders folders.
--Program Folders and Program Folders (x86)
I have no idea what that is.
But I don't like it.

And now I am blogging.

I realize that the reason why I had such trouble with the whole torrent thing is that right when downloading music and movies illegally was REALLY COOL and everybody learned how to do all of this, I did not have adequate internet, so there is a major learning curve there. But I'm working it out.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Stands With A Fist

Today was a decent day.

I went to David's Guitar Loft - Neat little guitar place in Fenton that I always pass but never go inside. WELL TODAY I DID. It's pretty cool. It's run by a husband and wife I'm pretty sure. And they have a dog. It's kind of ironic really.

I went to Target and got a new blouse and sweater for Family* Christmas. It was really exciting because I think I am finally defining a clothing style for myself.
Wow....that sound superficial....great.

I went to Khol's and SAW MONICA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <----This was obviously the highlight of my day.

That's it.


Eighteen months is not a long time. It will be here and gone before I know it.

I can't wait.


Still bored. Rockband/Movie Night needs to happen NOW.


*Family actually means Family+Vishal.

Monday, December 13, 2010

Look out! Blog Police! Haha!

The Blog Police told me I needed to blog. :)
I was planning on it anyway.


I love the movie Dances With Wolves. It is the only movie that my family can sit down and watch together. I mean, we watch other movies together. Like if we rent a movie to watch or something. But that's one time. My dad has seen this movie at least fifteen times. My mom and I have probably seen it about half that. My brother has seen it twice. It's a three hour movie (the extended edition is over four), but we love it.

And I guess it's probably part of the reason I want to get into film. I grew up watching one of the best movies out there.


I got an A in Philosophy of Religion. I am very pleased! My total GPA for this semester is a 3.83. If they don't let me take more than 18 hours next year, I am going to be pissed.

Why do I want to take more than 18 hours, you ask?
Well, remember my blogpost about graduating in 2012? In theory, I could do it. I could finish all my gen eds and all the major requirements in that time (by doing summer classes at Jeffco). However, LU (along with most universities) don't award a degree to you unless you complete at least 128 hours. No matter how I cut it, I'm 8 hours short.


I know at MSU, they let Sarah Perry take extra hours if she got recommendation letters from former teachers backing up her academic awesomeness. I'm going to talk to my adviser (isn't that "advisor"? Spellcheck is saying that that is incorrect...) about it. I mean, if I have 3.8, I transferred in 31 credits, AND it would be impractical for me to HOLD MYSELF BACK ACADEMICALLY just to satisfy a condition (see what I did there?), then there must be something I can do. I got a five on the AP test for crying out loud. (LU is still really impressed by that.)


My finals are over, but everyone else's are just beginning and it feels really weird.


Mom is a bigger Amanda fan than me. HAHAHA.


I'm bored.

Friday, December 10, 2010

It's No Wonder Why She Doesn't Talk To Me

After all, I am The Worst Friend Ever.

I could not possibly feel worse about our relationship. I mean, I say, "we should hang out," but we don't because I bail. I say, "sure, I'll go to your concert," but I can't because I HAVE to babysit.

(That's a completely different issue - This sounds dramatic, but basically, Mother refuses to acknowledge that it is possible that I could have a prior engagement on a night that she wants me to watch Christopher. Like, that's great, I love hanging out with Christopher BUT I SAID I WOULD GO TO COLLEEN'S CONCERT WAAAAAAYYYY BEFORE I KNEW ABOUT THIS. SORRY. But, alas, that doesn't matter to Mother. I suspect this is due to the same reasoning that produces the idea that a driver's license means nothing when it comes to knowledge of driving.)

I miss my best friend, Colleen. A lot. And I don't know when I am going to see her next. And that really pisses me off and makes me sad.

I am tearing up right now.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

"We're Pointing Out the Obvious"

My last day of the semester was yesterday.
Today was my first day of six week break.
I eat pizza a lot.
I have a make-shift recording studio in my room.
I made it into the upper symphonic band at school.
I wrote a really awesome song today.
I'm pretty happy.
I don't know what I am going to do for the next month and a half, but I'm pretty sure it's going to be awesome.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010


That's right.
I did two productive things today.
1. I went to talk to my advisor about transferring/graduating early.
2. I worked out my course schedule to see how fast I could graduate with a English/Creative Writing (I know...not the best) degree.
And do you know what I found out?
I can graduate in 2012.


I mean, think about that for a second.

I graduated last year and I am going to graduate next year. WITH A COLLEGE DEGREE.


Total of years at LU = 2
Type of degree achieved = 4 year degree

That is HALF the time.

Okay, now, in reality, I am not going to use that degree immediately (if at all) because I am going to transfer (my gen-eds) to Columbia College Chicago and finish/start my film degree. Then I will get a full-time job*.

In the meantime, however, (read: spring break/Christmas break/early May) I will be subbing my ass off. I may even apply for temporary certification to teach summer school.

The point is that I feel REALLY accomplished right now. It's like my time at LU wasn't wasted. It's like I actually accomplished something here. And all the hell I went through in high school was worth it too. It's nice.

*I will probably have a full time job before then--I mean to say a job in my desired field.


Two more finals.
Two months.

Monday, December 6, 2010


I think I have it figured out. I mean, I still have to meet with my advisor and talk about a few things with him, but I think I have it for the most part.

I am, of course, talking about transferring colleges. It's really all I can think about.

I liked NYU better than USC and Columbia College Chicago (I can't call it CCC because that's just dumb.) because it made it easier to double major in both film and English. However, today, I was discussing it with my mother and she pointed out that I could finish one of my majors and then finish the other at another school. This is a fantastic idea. But it leaves me with a few different things to consider.

If I took my mother's suggestion, I would transfer to Columbia College Chicago because 1) They would accept me--guaranteed. 2) They are a lot closer to home and I could take trains back and forth. And I mean, I've never been on a train, but it sounds awesome. I mean, WHO WOULDN'T want to take a train to college?
Also, I would go to Columbia College Chicago because their film program is the most specialized and hands on (from what I can tell). This originally turned me off to the program because I would not be able to double major in practical literature. I mean, I could major in poetry, but what's the point in that? However, with my literature degree out of the way, I have nothing to worry about (HAHA).

So it looks like I have it all figured out, right? WRONG.

See, Lindenwood is a teacher's college. My English degree is combined with Secondary Education certification. I really like that idea. But that makes my English degree total 50 plus hours. I cannot complete 50 plus hours in three least...not with the decisions I have already made and the information I currently know. I mean, I cannot find out whether or not Lindenwood has a summer session, and I do not know what courses Jeffco will offer this summer.
I just looked at all the bingo sheets for all the English degrees. With what I know right now, I could complete an English degree with and emphasis in Creative Writing in that time. Gah, that's actually the opposite of what I would like, but I'll deal with it. However, I will have to give up my certification I willing take that risk? I dunno...yeah...but I shouldn't....GAH!
And I have to wonder, how hard is it to get certified to teach? I mean, it looks like a summer and semester of work. And I can certified ANYWHERE--I mean, UMSL for Christ's sake. It wouldn't have to be expensive. But...that's risky. I don't like being risky. BUT THAT'S WHAT GOT ME HERE IN THE FIRST PLACE! I just don't know.
I'm looking into it now...UMSL has this weird program where if you apply for temporary certification and get a job at a school then you can get certified in 18 hours over the course of two years....hmmm. I could do that.


One final tomorrow.
Nothing Tuesday.
Two finals Wednesday.
Then...nothing...for two months.
I like this.

Saturday, December 4, 2010

So Many Things To Think About

Like that whole topic of transferring colleges.
Pros, Cons, Possibilities, Money.
I'm pretty sure I like NYU better than USC, but I'd have to--you know--apply and get accepted before I could really think about it. But it's hard for me to even get to that point!

It's like: Do What's Comfortable OR Do What Works (Maybe)

GAH! How is someone supposed to make that decision right out of high school/at the beginning of college? And why does Money have ruin everything. Someone (Read: Me) could have all these crazy idea and dreams, and would really like to see some of them to actuality, BUT stupid Money has to come in and say, "Because of your financial situation, unless you sign your soul away and possibly go bankrupt, you will have to settle for a second best life." And then Cowardice shows up and says stuff like, "You know, you should probably just settle--I mean, debt is really horrible. And what if your dreams don't come true? It's probably best to be safe and not try." All with a concerned look on his face. Then Guilt shows up and just throws out: "What about your friends and family?"

And it's like: GAME OVER.


Mammy offered to knit me a hat because I saw some while we were antiquing.
I'm still trying to figure out what pattern I want, but I'm definitely excited! Mammy is the best!

Thursday, December 2, 2010

It's Thrusday

And I finished my philosophy paper.
And owned my LUL presentation
It's like....everything I just accomplished doesn't matter, you know?

I Don't Mean To Lecture.

You are worth every breath you breathe in and every breath you breathe out.
It is not a fluke, you don't have to earn it, you don't have to prove a thing.
You are alive--full of life--because you are supposed to be.

As much as you may discount it on the other side, I have been where you are. I'm not going to lie to you--I broke down crying not to long ago. And it as been YEARS. It's hard, it's uphill all the way, but once you see the summit, it doesn't matter.

That doesn't mean I've moved on. At least, not like I'm supposed to. I would run back at the drop of a hat. But if that never happens (because it probably won't), I can live happily without. I can finally say that. I couldn't before.

Because loving someone means wanting them to be happy even if it doesn't involve you.


As much as we seem to understand each still don't get it some times.
But maybe it's me.
I dunno.


I'm just going to say this now:
Emma Watson and I will work together.


I have a B in Philosophy.
I love that class.
I actually have to work for it.
This is an accomplishment.
Especially since it's higher than the class average.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

And Then I Just Get Confused

Nights like this make me think that I didn't screw up. It feels so good to be completely comfortable with some people.

And I mean, if the RD and I had more than awkward/awesome conversations, I might feel like I'm not a total screw up.
One more new friend would be nice--then I would have three. yay...

But then I think about what I want--really want--it's so far way. Why did I have to make it even harder by choosing to get my degree in a dead zone? Grad school at NYU...could be beneficial, but why didn't I just bite the bullet, sign my soul away to the bank and do my undergrad somewhere like that? Why did I have to be a baby?

I need experience. I need progress. I need to feel like I am getting somewhere.

Any way I look at it, it's too late. I ruined everything.

Will someone make movies with me? Will someone help me? This will be the most arduous journey I ever make. Will someone help me on my way?


If I were anyone else.
If you were anyone else.
We would be something else.

Wouldn't we?