Monday, February 28, 2011

Call Me Dr. Teddy Altman

I don't know what to do. I know that I have been flailing way too much for what actually happened, but it is what it is.

Maybe it's because I have met only two people that I really get, and that really get me.
(I suppose that sentence should be in the past-tense because both of those people are no longer parts of my life.)

Maybe I really do get closer than I intend to people. Maybe despite all my talk of being independent, maybe I am just more dependent than anyone else.

I am struggling to find my footing. To find the next step to take. I say I want something to happen, but I live in the past, so how can anything possibly progress? How can I expect that?


This weekend was really good.
It was really nice to see Karlee and Kelsey, and to meet Bridget and Carbon.
And ABR.....hahaha.
I felt good for the first time in a long time. I felt like me - kind of anyway. I didn't feel down. I just felt like this was all shit I was going to get through, and things were actually going to be better. It wasn't like every other night where I think of all the great things that will never happen, of all the things I did wrong, of all the mistakes I have made.
I was just me. And I had no reason to be ashamed of anything that I am or that I have done.
It was really nice.

Addison Shepherd.
Enough said.


Even if I wanted to
I couldn't walk away from you
Because the minute I did it
I would want to tell you all about it

Friday, February 25, 2011

I Need To Wake Up

You sent me away. That's it. Done deal. I have no further obligation to you. I have no right to want more from you. The deal was that I would be by your side until you sent me away. Now you did and I have to stand by that.

I feel that this heartbreak. This feeling that part of me is missing. Memories I have don't make sense anymore because the source no longer exists. I hear a voice, a laugh. I see a smile. But I cannot identify the person. Were they ever there? I am perplexed by this.

Can some stand in my corner? In that black hole of the past that I once called home, can someone speak for me? Is no one there to defend me? Haven't my good deeds outweighed my missteps?

I will not speak, if you do not. I will not try anymore.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011


Being alone with my thoughts doesn't suit me. Especially when they are of you. I run through every memory like it was a movie. Every scene is repeated over and over until I am about to scream.

I can't play your game. You've got me beat. This didn't happen on my terms, so let me at least defend myself. If I ever meant anything to you, you know this is not fair.

Look at my blog being all depressing...

I didn't do this right, but can you let me make it right?

If Not Now, When?

It's really funny how everything is laying out for me right now. Everything is just exploding in my head. I cannot play enough Tetris.*

I'm entirely focused on two different people right now. These people mean the world to me. I cannot stress that enough.


I made a decision a year ago.
It was either limit this immediately in order to be honest, or keep it to myself so we could have the best chance. I understand you are upset that I didn't come clean to you, but you have to see it from my perspective. You have to understand that I was scared. It wasn't because I didn't trust you or love you; it was because I was scared. Please understand.


Sir, I am just going to pretend that we never saw each other. That I never met her. That we never had to say goodbye because we never said hello. It just didn't happen. I didn't let it happen.


*When I play Tetris, I can finally think things through.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

It's All Said And Done

As the days pass, it becomes more like a dream and less like reality. It makes more sense as a dream. I've had dreams like that before. It really wouldn't be a stretch. It becomes incredulous to think that all of that actually happened.
But it did. It really did. And honestly have no idea what to make of it.


I can breathe easy-ish.
At least, I have nothing left to hide.
That's something.

Monday, February 21, 2011

I Can't Take It

I could sit here all day and talk to you about how I am actually upset. I am angry with you. I am angry that I was practically set up yesterday.

And I mean, Naysayers, you could all say: "You wanted it to go that way subconsciously. You wanted a reason to hold on."

Well, let me clear that up for all of you:
No, I did not.
I wanted the opposite. The exact opposite. I wanted you to be happy, to be content. I wanted a period at the end of the sentence, not an ellipses.

I'm tired, so tired of this. Turn off the machines and let it die. DNR, mind the DNR.

Frozen Creek

All my life, you were someone I wanted, but couldn't have. Regardless of what I did, what I said, you would not relent. Somehow, though, everyone else managed to see something there. Something that managed to be enough to keep me from going crazy--to keep me from giving up on you. Time passed, things happen, things didn't happen, and you were stolen from me. To be honest, it was to the point that I was not watching out for you either.

I mourned this loss much longer than I should have. I wished for impossibilities. I prayed for maladies. I cried and screamed in my sleep and under my breath--wherever no one would be sure to hear. I blamed you and I blamed myself. So much so, I almost lost all that I ever was for something that would never be.

Finally, with time and patience, I began to rebuild. I began to see that, perhaps, you would be happy without me. Conversely, perhaps, I could be happy without you. I was cautious to praise you. I was cautious to be proud of a man who didn't need me. But slowly, I let you out and in at the same time. I re-branded you in my heart and mind. You were new and so was I.

To finally complete this transformation, this healing--to cut the ribbon on the new life I was to have--I returned to you with arms open wide; ready to take in all that you were without me. All of your success that I had no role in whatsoever. I was ready to face it.

Today was that day. Today, I was to close this chapter of my life. Today, I was to forget the life we could have had forever and never visit again. I was so ready and willing for this to be over.

However, you were not.
I did not count on that.

My friend, you are and will always be it for me. That will never change. But I cannot wait any longer. I can no longer play this part of the girl who is ready to catch you when you fall. There are so many things I am missing. I can feel it. However, you know all too well, that I will not turn from you--not completely--not until you are happy and I am sure of it.

I always feel safe with you, and I wanted those last moments to last forever just as you did, but I am not going to live in that memory forever. Not this time.

The human part of me is repainting this scene again. New and vibrant colors fill the canvas. But I must remember that it is just a picture and nothing more. The characters aren't alive. It is not animated, unless you want it to be so.

I refuse to hold my breath.

Instead, I will close my eyes and hope I can live with what I see when I wake up.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Divinity is the Weather

I remember the last time it felt like this. It was such a good day. :)


Coincidences are the weirdest things. Several coincidences are destroying my brain right now.

1. The book I am reading starts in in the town of Butte, Montana. This is Kellan's mother's hometown. This Sunday, I am going to a party at her house featuring cuisine from Butte. (So she says. I mean, I think it's just going to be barbecue.)
2. There is this girl and I'm pretty sure she's like me in that she picks out people to befriend. This time, it seems that she has picked me. The coincidence is that she is a flute player who sits directly in front of me in band....who else did that????? (get it?)
3. Today, I have a test in Psych. It requires me to have an actual wooden #2 pencil. I didn't bring any of those with me. However, the last time Colleen was here, she left one.

You see what I mean? It's weird, right?


"I don't want to know that you don't want me.
I don't want to know what you'd do without me.
I don't want to know what I'll be without you.
I dont wanna know. I don't wanna know."

Tegan and Sara kind of day.


Corrections 8:40 pm

I am not crazy. I'm just not. And I am certainly not going to let the past year of my life just go down the drain. I don't want to get angry. I don't want to act out. But I also don't want to fall apart. I feel like I am caving in on myself. I am trying so hard, you have to know that, right? But you aren't giving me anything. I mean, yeah, now you answer the phone, but part of me thinks that's even worse. I wake up each day to the horrible reminder that I am simply not allowed to talk to you. This was made doubly worse because last night I had a dream that we were us again. Of course, I knew it was a dream because that's too good to be true--but it was a nice break from knowing the best thing that ever happened to me is gone.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011


You Guys,
Archer Farms Black Pepper and Sea Salt Kettle Cooked Potato Chips make my life.


There are seven stages of coping with Tragedy:
1. Shock
2. Scrambling (To Fix It)
3. Misery
4. Dispair
5. Pseudo - Acceptance
6. Pessimism ["My life is so horrible, I should just do something stupid because things really can get any worse. Life as I know it is over..." etc.]
7. Actual Acceptance

I am at stage 6. I was at stage 5 yesterday. Hopefully, I will be at stage 7 tomorrow, but (predictably) I doubt it.


I honestly can't wait until Sunday. :)


I just need five minutes to get this all squared away.


RPattz copy said hi to me today. Weird.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Day of Valentine

It's Valentine's Day. I'm not going to lie, I wish I had a Valentine, but really if you don't have a Valentine on Valentine's day, don't you kind of want one by default? Therefore, it's not really necessary to piss and moan about not having one. Instead, you should go hang out with your friends. That's what I did. My friends are awesome. :)


Yeah, it's awkward, but we are doing this. We are getting passed this. Right?
So when I ask you a simple question, I would like a response. Of course, I am not in any position to demand things here.


I've never met someone like me. Someone who chooses people to be friends with. Now, I think I have....and....they have chosen me? How very strange. Let's see what you can do.


Nick Bueker is a creeper.
(It rhymes, therefore it is truth.)

Sunday, February 13, 2011

A Feather in My Cap

I had a really great night last night. Elizabeth came to the game with Ashley. As you can probably imagine, there was a lot of laughing and embarrassment (but in a good way). I'm really glad that it's not all in my head. Haha....


Like....why? I creeped all over your FB and just doesn't make any sense. Your hair is better than mine, so you certainly aren't looking for pointers. I mean WHY do I have to get in these situations? How about you figure yourself out and then come talk to me.


I'm better, Elizabeth says so. haha


I mean, she wasn't even on the invite.....what does THAT tell you? HAHAHAHAHAHA
(It's so mean, but is so funny!)

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Common Saying

What is it that they say? "If at first you don't succeed--try, try again"? Is that supposed to be universally applicable?

Colleen is all like I Don't Blame You by Lauren Zettler and I'm all like Want You Back by Lauren Zettler.
(Both are very good songs.)


I didn't cry this time. Personal victory! But I didn't get anywhere. Major fail. I mean, I'm not going to yell and scream. I can't make her hear me out. But it would be really nice if she would. Then maybe we could work this all out.

Patience is a virtue, I know. But isn't forgiveness one as well?


Tomorrow, I have a date with my wife, Lydia Middleton. We were married in Nashville last Spring. It was a beautiful ceremony in some building with a western motif, officiated by our mutual friend Michelle, while we were wearing cowboy hats. Haha.

It will be nice to see her. That is for sure.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Blueberry Muffin and Apples for Dinner. Yes.

Okay, so.
I can't read your mind!!!!


I am really excited. The month of February is turning out to be pretty awesome.
Date with my wife and Burke on Friday.
Catching up with Kellan next Sunday. (Escort maybe?)
Trip to see Karl and Bridget the weekend after that.
Pretty decent month.
And I'm not even black.


I just don't think we were in the cards, you know?
I mean, we tried. I charmed and you smiled, but it just didn't work.
For what it's worth, I wish it had.


So.....I realized that my life is Nineteen. Just not they way I wanted it. Sad.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

I Hate Pretzels

But....I needed something salty and they are the only thing that remains from my stockpile of individually packaged portions of chips (and pretzels). So I am eating pretzels.


It is entirely too cold outside. It's painful.


My hair looks so gross today.


I want you all to do yourselves a favor and google or youtube or whatever Want You Back by Lauren Zettler. This has been my favorite song for the past few months. (Yes, months, not days.) Jen likes it, so you should too.


My iPod has this mystical ability to say exactly what I am thinking - even when I don't realize that I am thinking it.

I mean, I always knew in the back of my mind that it was all temporary. I knew that eventually our time would come to an end. That doesn't mean that it means less. It's only worse this time because you made me forget. But that also made it so much better. Thank you.


Yes. I get to go to CoMo!

Monday, February 7, 2011

Back To Basics?

At the time, I wasn't pissed. But the more I think about it, the more I go over the conversation in my head, the more pissed I get. You need to get over it. It worked for them. That's it.

And really, you tried to have this conversation with me? Of all freaking people. Don't you get that this is a two way street? Or at least, it should be.


I really, Really, REALLY don't want to go to the game tonight. Mainly because I have my clarinet. I mean.....I don't want to sit by those people.


Richard III, tonight? Yeah.....I don't think so. But it must be done.


For so long we have forgotten the beauty of sacrifice. :)
Jackie, you are the best.


Okay, so the game wasn't that bad. It was a good game for the most part, and anytime with them is good.

I'm not as confident as you think I am, but your support really makes my day. Thanks Elizabeth.


Is there some sort of blog war going on? I mean.....that's not cool.

Sunday, February 6, 2011


I know I've been a total Negative Nancy as of late.
I'm sorry.


I did not watch the Superbowl.
I did do literally 6 hours of French homework.


Je ne sais pas si ma vie va s'améliorer, mais si vous êtes là, je ne vois pas un changement.


Yay for blogging twice in one day? YAY!

This is it, isn't it?

Congratulations are in order. I am so proud of you.
Do what makes you truly happy. If I am to construct words of farewell, I will.
But please, let them not be final.


Lindentundra needs to not be Lindentundra anymore. I mean, it's okay because I have my guitar now, but not really.


I know now that I just made things worse.
Falling down was so much easier when you were by my side.


Corrections 6:52 pm

Nostalgia Attack.

I am listening to The Classic Crime right now. All of them. Now, most everybody (read: Ashley and maybe Jen) knows that there is some major sound association going on when I listen to The Classic Crime. But this is so much more. The last time I listened to all of The Classic Crime - really listened to all of them - I was helping in summer school, getting ready to start my senior year. Life completely amazes me.

Saturday, February 5, 2011

Taking a Break from Seattle Grace

Sometimes, you just have to forget about the fact that you are an adult and watch an overly dramatic anime series on Netflix. That is what I am doing tonight.


The more I think about it, the more ridiculous I seem. I have to laugh, but that doesn't mean I'm not hurting. When it seems really bad, I just remember what you said. And I remember the promise I made.
I will do it for you.


Snow, you need to go away.

Thursday, February 3, 2011


I called you today. It was a total failure, I know. I had a plan, but then you answered and that kinda went out the window. I was a crying, blubbering idiot, speaking only in sentence fragments. I am not finished, but I got the most important thing out. I hung up before I do more damage, cried more and went into a crying coma. (Nap post-crying.)

Then I woke up and realized I didn't make anything better. I called Elizabeth. I talked to her. I told her everything. It made me feel better, sure. But nothing can substitute for you.


Apparently, my voice goes up an octave.


Back to biding my time.

"If she leaves you, she's not worth it. That's exactly what Dannielle and Kristin would say, and you know it. Sometimes people aren't quite what you wish them to be/what you've built them up to be. Sometimes they can't handle quite as much as you'd like to think. Just do what you have to and pray for the best,

or you won't be able to live with yourself."

One of my best friends said this about me and you.

Can you believe it? Me, scared, paranoid, me. I'm supposed to put it all out there and just hope things work out. No plan, no guarantee. I can't hardly read it. But I do. And I know in my heart she is right.

Ma meilleure amie, Colleen, est compatissant, reflechi, tolerant, et drole.


I can't look at my computer screen waiting to burst into tears anymore.

I can't do this anymore.

You are my best friend and I never told you that.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011


Hello, blog. Yes, I am awake. No, you are correct, my roommates are not. I even went to bed after them (2ish). Coffee is nice though.


I hate feet.


I wonder if I'll have cancer at some point in my life. I know that's kind of a depressing thing to think about, but *mumblemumble* Grey's Anatomy *mumble*. I never really entertained the idea that I could get cancer. Okay, that's even worse, I'm nineteen, I shouldn't be thinking about this at all - I know. But bear with me here: I always thought "I'm crippled, that's bad enough, I won't get cancer." And that's all fine and dandy, except my being crippled isn't that bad. I've gotten botox twice and had one surgery. That's nothing in comparison to similar people. I mean, it's not like I want to be worse off, or I want to get cancer - it's just that I have been fooling myself way too long. I could get cancer. Bad things happen to really good people. Bad things happen to people who don't deserve it. Bad things just happen. Just because a bad thing happened to me in the beginning doesn't mean I am in the clear for the rest of my life. It was a weird realization, to be sure.




I feel so much immense jealousy right now. I shouldn't. I just have to bide my time, right? Except that requires biding my time.

I will not fail you again.


Corrections, 2:52 pm

I just got invited to Kellan's Welcome Home Party. I will meet his wife and his daughter. To be fair, I have already met his wife once, so that won't be too bad. Yes, I am going. To me, I am his old friend - I will suck it up and put this to bed. Besides, I am so proud of him. I can't ignore that. :)

You Are Here

I have this really great friend. His name is Vishal. He's messed up. But then again so am I. I helped him through a rough patch, so now he is helping me through a rough patch.

I have this other really great friend - In fact, she is my best friend. Her name is Colleen. She stresses out a lot. But then again so do I. I wrote some stupid things on this stupid blog and now she's not talking to me.

Vishal and Colleen - I think they are friends. They used to be really good friends. But then Vishal and his girlfriend broke up and before that they were fighting and Vishal took it out on Colleen. Colleen got really mad and stopped speaking to Vishal. I also got really mad and yelled at Vishal. Then Vishal skyped me with a Halloween mask on and I realized I couldn't just cut Vishal out of my life. Eventually, Colleen got past the fight she had with Vishal, so when Vishal was trying to make things right with his girlfriend, he tried venting to Colleen. It was really intense venting so Colleen freaked out and said I should talk to Vishal. So I did. And talked and talked and talked. And along the way, I stopped thinking about Colleen. I mean, I thought about her, but then I would talk to Vishal. Vishal got better - not perfect - but better. Then I tried to talk to Colleen, but she was hurt. Hurt that I could forget her, so it didn't go so well. I talked to Vishal more and hung out with him a few times, but I started to wonder about Colleen. Wonder so much, that I started to worry. And that made me blog some stupid things. And now I am here.

I have two really amazing friends. (Who am I kidding: All of my friends are amazing.)

Tuesday, February 1, 2011


My roommates sleep too much. I went to bed the same time they did and got up at 9:30. It is now quarter after 11 and I really don't think they will be up anytime soon.


It's literally been sleeting all day. The St. Charles area is supposed to get 12-18 inches of snow tonight. Oh my God. It's a horrible time to be craving pizza. I mean, do I want to send a poor delivery man to his death? No. But that doesn't mean I won't, if I get pizza, you know?


As you can probably tell, I have been thinking a lot lately. It's one of the three things I do to occupy my time. The other two are playing video games and watching Grey's Anatomy.
I strive to do good. I strive to lead a decent life - to be that person everyone thinks I am. But, to take a page out of the Kingdom Hearts canon, there is darkness in my heart. I can't control it. I can't channel it, and sometimes it gets the best of me.


When I was with you, I was the best me I could be. You literally brought out the best in me. Over time, I earned your trust and love, but now I have lost it. Maybe I am being overly dramatic about this; we weren't anything more than best friends. It's not like we were Vishal and Rachel. I know we (used to) joke that you are my Jedi apprentice and that you learned from me, but in all reality, it was the other way around. I learned from you. I learned what it was to have a best friend. I learned what it was to really love someone. I learned what it was to be good. Again, maybe I am being overly dramatic, but it doesn't feel that way. Maybe this will just blow over. To me, however, it's like the magnitude of all my mistakes is finally hitting me. I finally understand what happens when the darkness takes over.

"She loves you."

How many more people did I hurt?


Grey's Anatomy season 5 is my life.


How strange. A year ago, I was the happiest I had ever been.