Monday, February 21, 2011

Frozen Creek

All my life, you were someone I wanted, but couldn't have. Regardless of what I did, what I said, you would not relent. Somehow, though, everyone else managed to see something there. Something that managed to be enough to keep me from going crazy--to keep me from giving up on you. Time passed, things happen, things didn't happen, and you were stolen from me. To be honest, it was to the point that I was not watching out for you either.

I mourned this loss much longer than I should have. I wished for impossibilities. I prayed for maladies. I cried and screamed in my sleep and under my breath--wherever no one would be sure to hear. I blamed you and I blamed myself. So much so, I almost lost all that I ever was for something that would never be.

Finally, with time and patience, I began to rebuild. I began to see that, perhaps, you would be happy without me. Conversely, perhaps, I could be happy without you. I was cautious to praise you. I was cautious to be proud of a man who didn't need me. But slowly, I let you out and in at the same time. I re-branded you in my heart and mind. You were new and so was I.

To finally complete this transformation, this healing--to cut the ribbon on the new life I was to have--I returned to you with arms open wide; ready to take in all that you were without me. All of your success that I had no role in whatsoever. I was ready to face it.

Today was that day. Today, I was to close this chapter of my life. Today, I was to forget the life we could have had forever and never visit again. I was so ready and willing for this to be over.

However, you were not.
I did not count on that.

My friend, you are and will always be it for me. That will never change. But I cannot wait any longer. I can no longer play this part of the girl who is ready to catch you when you fall. There are so many things I am missing. I can feel it. However, you know all too well, that I will not turn from you--not completely--not until you are happy and I am sure of it.

I always feel safe with you, and I wanted those last moments to last forever just as you did, but I am not going to live in that memory forever. Not this time.

The human part of me is repainting this scene again. New and vibrant colors fill the canvas. But I must remember that it is just a picture and nothing more. The characters aren't alive. It is not animated, unless you want it to be so.

I refuse to hold my breath.

Instead, I will close my eyes and hope I can live with what I see when I wake up.

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