A Bunch of Dead Ends

Rip out your summer heart because it's time to get a new one.

Clean out your sun-kissed veins because they are clogging up your limbs.

I don't know what that means exactly. I just know it was the first thing to my mind when I started typing.

Clearly, this - what I have been working on for the past four months - is not going anywhere. Clearly, you are not ready and there is a huge chance that you will never be ready. Clearly.

---

I just have to write. That's all that is left.

For Continuity's Sake

Remember how I said I was tired at a reasonable time last night, and that I would probably go to bed at a relatively decent hour?

Well.

That didn't work out because I had to stay up with J.C. all night. Now I am completely back on a night schedule.

That's not what I wanted, mister!

Also, I have to take a chem test this week. I am going to die.

This is Weird

It is just after ten and I feel tired. It's almost as if I could go to bed...right now? I mean, what? Perhaps I'll only watch one episode of Xena and then I will go to bed.....maybe two.

---

Yesterday was also weird. It was way too much like that first night. That first random night that pretty much started everything. I will monitor this situation closely. Although, I only fear freaking myself out more than anything.

---

I will stand by what I said today: If people wanted to actually work stuff out, then they would work it out. At this point, I can literally go either way.

On a side note: I kind of felt like I was swimming upstream today. I could get used to it.

It Has Been Awhile

Sorry, folks, about not posting here in awhile. However, I sincerely doubt any of you were waiting with baited breath! Haha! I just wanted to share a post from one of my favorite blogs. I don't care what this looks like to any of you. The point is that this is what being good is all about. It's the little things. It's from where you don't expect it. This blog makes me laugh a lot of the time because most of the time it's pretty funny. Sometimes it gets a little raunchy, but I can deal. And sometimes it makes me feel like people are generally good, and that there is hope for life. I know that sounds hokey to some of you, and that's fine, but this is what this is for me. (Click the word "post" above and it will take you right to it.^^^)

YES

FOOTLOSE - Xena: Warrior Princess Editon

It's pretty much the best thing ever.

I Blog Too Much

So my fantastic friend and fellow blogger, Vishal, recently posted about good ole' times. Well, kinda. His title is what really got me. "Let's Do The Time Warp". I know, I know, it's from Rocky Horror Picture Show, but you know what I think of? My first year of high school (specifically the end) and my first Renaissance Assembly. God, I had such an amazing time. Of course, I didn't really think about the amazing time at the time. My mind was just sort of blown. I was a totally different person. I approached everything differently - from people to my future. I just saw it all so differently. I basically assumed that the world was mine for the taking.

Why did that change? I don't know. I need to be as confident and as optimistic - at least in myself.

Here we go. Time to amp it up, time to actually put my money where my mouth is.

Yes. :)

The world is only what you mold it into.

And you can be forgiven, regardless of your crimes as long as you want it.

Good can come from everything as long as you don't let hate take control.

As long as you have love, and you let it guide you, you will be alright.

(All things I've learned from Xena....haha. Perfect.)

Sure

I don't understand why producers and scriptwriters think it's totally okay to follow the most serious, dark, and dramatic episode of a series with Acid Trip: The Musical.

Like....WTF?

Preoccupied

The party today was pretty fun. Jen is right - Renee does look like Gaga. And I don't know what Charlie was talking about because the cupcakes were lovely. Haha, but I don't think I will be putting on "my trunks" anytime soon.....haha

Family, you know? :)

---

So, I finally found our television parallel (a year too late). Don't laugh....that much.

Xena and Gabrielle

It would have been a perfect fit. But now, knowing what I know about myself and about you, it's inappropriate.

The show is still good though, in a corny-90s television-kind of way.

---

YOU GUYS, THIS SUCKS. After ending our last conversation (blogged about below) rather abruptly, I have YET to talk to Kellan. I am really going insane here. It's kind of like that time in seventh grade when he left to El Paso (sp?), Texas to visit his Dad for Christmas early (OR SOMETHING, I don't remember exactly, it was six years ago and I was very distraught). He left about a week early and I assumed the worse: Either he died or he moved away without telling me. Half of me was angry and the other half was mortified.

Yeah, it's like that but approximately 7418529637418529637589456123 TIMES WORSE.

Sure, you can try to tell me that there is a perfectly logical and non-lethal reason for him not being able to communicate with me, but HELLO - I have Ruschenberg blood running through my veins. I will worry, and I will continue to worry until I have proof he is alive and well. Telling me not to worry just sounds like ignoring the fact that there is a reason to worry--regardless of whether or not I blow it out of proportion.

To try to cope, my mind does one of two things.
1. Retreats to past memories - I'm talking 2005 here
2. Propels into possible positive future situations

I am sure that both are unhealthy in their own ways.

The future situations are kind of like those dreams I've been having in that they are so convincing. In full on state of catharsis, I believe that this is my future - not a possible future. It's almost as bad as when I was 12, guys.

But then again, there was a certain beauty about being twelve. At least, that is what I have come to realize. When I was twelve, I was going to be a rockstar and I was going to write a book by the age of fifteen that was going to be so good Oprah would want me on her show. When I was twelve, I thought I had met my soulmate - I believed in soulmates, no question - and he was my best friend too. So cool. And it wasn't just about me. When I was twelve, Jordan was going to be an accomplished pianist when he grew up. Rory and I were going to be in a band together. Kelsey was going to be in the Olympics, Tara was this really amazing singer who secretly liked that genius, Ryan Carpenter, and Laura was going to be an amazing artist, and why in God's name would Karlee ever pursue a career other than being a vet?

This was my past, present, and future according to me when I was twelve. Everything was only a matter of time.

But now I'm smarter than that, right? How many people hold onto the futures they set for themselves when they are twelve? Not many. That's only practical - things change, people change, opportunities come and go - life just happens, you know? And we adjust. The futures we set for ourselves at any age evolve and adapt to what happens in Life. Through it all, a path is cleared, and that is your life. Call it Fate, call it God, call it the Force, it doesn't matter. What matters is, that at some point or another, you get to a point and you know that this is your life. At that moment of revelation, the important thing is that you are happy where you have ended up.

Okay, so go back to Life According to Natalie at Twelve. Go through and see how many of those possible futures are still valid. Some are. And of those that aren't, it's not like that many of them were ridiculous. Personally, I don't see how I am any better than how I was at twelve. In fact, I would say that I am worse off. Now, if you ask me what I want for myself, I say that I want to end up employed. Soulmates exist, but I don't know if that applies to me. In regards to anyone else, all I can say is that I hope that they end up happy. Not even happy, but content enough not to consider themselves unhappy.

At least at twelve, I was confident and articulate. At twelve, I wasn't afraid of Life at all - it could only hold great things for me.

Yeah, Life at Twelve was unrealistic, but it was still good. In Life at Twelve, it was only a matter of time before everyone ended up happy. The eventual path that cleared could only lead to happiness. And I really think whether or not those possible futures happened or not made that much of difference. I just knew that at the time, that's what would make everyone happy, so that's what hoped and prayed for, and eventually that is what I believed in.

So I guess what I am trying to get to is why I am afraid to believe that I could possibly end up happy. Why is it bad that I am believing in Life at Twelve (at least in regards to me) again? Why do I feel like that is wrong or stupid? What's wrong with it?

It's so scary. That's what it is. It's freaking scary. Now, at nineteen, Life is scary. And I can't really tell whether or not I was young and blind at twelve or if I just have my blinders on now. Does living make you wise, or stupid?

Right now, I guess, I'm just worried. Yeah, worried and scared. The path seems clear, but there is a lot of underbrush to clear away first.