Monday, September 19, 2011

When, Not If

It's pretty funny. I'm doing everything "right". I'm working my ass off to graduate early. I'm taking pride in all of my classes. I am working hard to learn outside of my classes. I am taking life by the horns, so to speak--all the while knowing that the only thing I am racing to is unemployment. I mean, I know what I want to do, but despite all my best laid plans, odds are in favor of me living with my parents for years to come. Now, there is nothing wrong with that. I love my parents. But.

Ideally, it would be great if I could land an internship through impressing my WEM professor. However, even though I am doing perfectly fine in the class, I feel like I am floundering. I feel like I am brown-nosing more than impressing. I don't think that's what I am actually doing, but that's how I feel.

The next course of action would be to write something of consequence and get published. Once I finish something, I will get back to you on that.

This feeds into my plan of going to grad school. So...who knows if that will happen.

At this point, I refuse to teach. Those who can't do, teach. Well, I need to do.

So this leaves everything to chance. I don't particularly like that idea, but it seems to be my best bet. Having this all laid out in text is scary. I mean, I am well aware that my career choice is questionable at best, but seeing it is hard. The only reassurance I have is the fact that even though I am scared out of my mind, I feel in my heart of hearts, in my bones, in my soul, that this is, in fact, right.

When, not if. That type of thing.

Fighting this conviction is what got me down in the first place. You can't fight who you are and you can't fight what you are meant to do. One way or another, the truth will make itself known.

One could argue that this is an impractical way of thinking; that I am idealizing life. I tell you now, I am not. If I were, this fear would not exist. I would not second-guess myself as much as I am. I would not acknowledge how ridiculous I sound.

Everyone I know has done what was "practical" first. Sometimes that worked out and sometimes it didn't. I have to believe that they are happy. However, I am seeming to do the impractical first and that almost goes against every grain of my being. So, I am trying to be practical about being impractical and it is very strange. Maybe I will fall on my ass, but I am hoping that I land on my feet.

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