I have one more day.
Technically, it's a half day, but I'm gonna be there at least until three.
So one more day.
But it's a horrible day.
I still really don't know my fate when it comes to math.
I may not get the guitar.
....
Screw that, I am getting that guitar regardless of what happens.
I can't wait until next year, but I want this summer to last long.
I don't want to ever feel like I feel right now again.
Completely and totally exhausted.
I need to rest.
I need a new start.
Thank God it happens in 24 hours.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Friday, April 10, 2009
Holy Crap It Has Been Two Months!
So sorry I have been away so long!
Uh....
So.
My group of friends is falling apart, and they still don't get why I feel the need to branch off.
I am still failing Math.
But I'm trying.
Really trying.
So that's it right now.
Uh....
So.
My group of friends is falling apart, and they still don't get why I feel the need to branch off.
I am still failing Math.
But I'm trying.
Really trying.
So that's it right now.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
I Really Should Blog More Often
So, the musical went well, despite me losing my voice on the last performance. (Apparently it made me sound more witchy.) Phenomenal even. We had record-breaking sales and attendance. I get recognized in the hallways now.
I miss it so much. I miss my drama family. Yes, that right, family. We really bonded this time. I've been involved with drama and band for three years and yearbook for two, and I have never experienced the family feeling I felt with this cast.
There were no cliques, no defined lines.
We were one big happy family.
And Sunday was the first day I spent without seeing any of them.
No Tony, no Mike, no Brad, no Jake.
No Tim, no Ashley, no Monica, no Kara.
No Lexi, no Sara, no Nick and Aleshia.
No Kaitlyn.
No Mrs. Hill.
Yeah, needless to say I was very crabby that day.
I mean, I would look at the clock and it would be 7:30 and I wasn't on stage. I wasn't green. It felt so weird. I was uncomfortable. It seemed to be a feeling shared with the entire cast because we all went to Facebook and chatted it up until about 9:30--right when the show would have ended.
I was so glad to go to school today, so I could at least see some of the cast.
But I hardly saw Tony and Brad, and I didn't see Tim, Mike, and Jake at all. It felt so weird. I made a point to go see Mrs. Hill though. She works up in the Bridges building, which the rest of Seckman is supposed to pretend doesn't exist. I was getting a quote for my yearbook spread, so it's not like I went up there just to visit. Haha.
Hey, after someone paints you green for two weeks in a row, you grow attached!
We are all supposed to get together Wednesday to watch the recording and sign the banner and stuff, and hopefully it won't be the last of our "family reunions."
----
I met five amazing people.
The boys became my shoulders,
On which to laugh and cry.
He became my hug,
That I grew to need every night.
Sister was my sister,
Rosemary Clooney song and all.
And she
became that calm voice all need to hear
Directed to no one else at all.
I met so many amazing people.
Brothers and sisters
Friends and lovers
And somehow
I think no one will forget
It's like this is stone-set
I will not forget the amazing people.
Not the five
Not anyone else
I will remember this
If I forget all else.
We will never again be the same people.
Some will leave
Though some will stay.
We will never be what we were again
Though we will never forget those days.
It was pain.
It was joy.
It was work.
It was more.
It was life.
Or lack thereof.
It was something in all things above.
This is a ridiculous
Ranting of a poet
Tired and crazy.
And she doesn't even know it.
But my heart still beats of those days
And I don't want that to go away.
I met five amazing people.
I will not lose the boys
Who became my shoulders
On which to laugh and cry
Or He who became my hug
That I grew to need every night
I will not lose Sister who became my sister
Rosemary Clooney song and all
And I will not lose her
The calm voice that all need to hear
Directed to no one else at all.
I miss it so much. I miss my drama family. Yes, that right, family. We really bonded this time. I've been involved with drama and band for three years and yearbook for two, and I have never experienced the family feeling I felt with this cast.
There were no cliques, no defined lines.
We were one big happy family.
And Sunday was the first day I spent without seeing any of them.
No Tony, no Mike, no Brad, no Jake.
No Tim, no Ashley, no Monica, no Kara.
No Lexi, no Sara, no Nick and Aleshia.
No Kaitlyn.
No Mrs. Hill.
Yeah, needless to say I was very crabby that day.
I mean, I would look at the clock and it would be 7:30 and I wasn't on stage. I wasn't green. It felt so weird. I was uncomfortable. It seemed to be a feeling shared with the entire cast because we all went to Facebook and chatted it up until about 9:30--right when the show would have ended.
I was so glad to go to school today, so I could at least see some of the cast.
But I hardly saw Tony and Brad, and I didn't see Tim, Mike, and Jake at all. It felt so weird. I made a point to go see Mrs. Hill though. She works up in the Bridges building, which the rest of Seckman is supposed to pretend doesn't exist. I was getting a quote for my yearbook spread, so it's not like I went up there just to visit. Haha.
Hey, after someone paints you green for two weeks in a row, you grow attached!
We are all supposed to get together Wednesday to watch the recording and sign the banner and stuff, and hopefully it won't be the last of our "family reunions."
----
I met five amazing people.
The boys became my shoulders,
On which to laugh and cry.
He became my hug,
That I grew to need every night.
Sister was my sister,
Rosemary Clooney song and all.
And she
became that calm voice all need to hear
Directed to no one else at all.
I met so many amazing people.
Brothers and sisters
Friends and lovers
And somehow
I think no one will forget
It's like this is stone-set
I will not forget the amazing people.
Not the five
Not anyone else
I will remember this
If I forget all else.
We will never again be the same people.
Some will leave
Though some will stay.
We will never be what we were again
Though we will never forget those days.
It was pain.
It was joy.
It was work.
It was more.
It was life.
Or lack thereof.
It was something in all things above.
This is a ridiculous
Ranting of a poet
Tired and crazy.
And she doesn't even know it.
But my heart still beats of those days
And I don't want that to go away.
I met five amazing people.
I will not lose the boys
Who became my shoulders
On which to laugh and cry
Or He who became my hug
That I grew to need every night
I will not lose Sister who became my sister
Rosemary Clooney song and all
And I will not lose her
The calm voice that all need to hear
Directed to no one else at all.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
They're Catching On
So, what is a blog?
I really don't know.
Isn't like a diary?
I mean, that's how I've been treating it.
(So yes, dear aunts, I would write this way in a diary.)
With that said, here's one for current events:
I've got a reader and they are on to me.
Oddly, it's the most amazing thing ever.
I love it--the idea that someone actually understands my doublespeak.
Maybe I'm making a big deal of it, but it doesn't change the fact that I think it's awesome.
----
I have again sold my soul to The Drama Devil. At least until February.
However, this time it is truly worth it considering that I am playing the Wicked Witch of the West in Seckman's lovely (very close to the movie) version of The Wizard of Oz. Yearbook hasn't really been a problem, but I'm pretty sure that it has something to do with the server being down so really all progress/slavework is at a virtual standstill. (AMAZING!)
A few friends and I have finally decided to realize our dream--however unrealistic it may be. We have formed a band--a rock/indie/alternative/punk band to be exact. Even though we only consist of a guitarist, drummer and a vocalist, we are determined. (With that said, we are on the prowl for a bassist and a second/lead guitarist because I know I'm not that good.)
I really want pizza.
----
Why is Karma being such a bitch?
I haven't done anything to her.
So I have kind of just been waiting for something good to happen because that's all I've been trying to do, but Karma keeps giving me the cold shoulder.
Karma, how about we give our friendship a second chance, eh?
I really don't know.
Isn't like a diary?
I mean, that's how I've been treating it.
(So yes, dear aunts, I would write this way in a diary.)
With that said, here's one for current events:
I've got a reader and they are on to me.
Oddly, it's the most amazing thing ever.
I love it--the idea that someone actually understands my doublespeak.
Maybe I'm making a big deal of it, but it doesn't change the fact that I think it's awesome.
----
I have again sold my soul to The Drama Devil. At least until February.
However, this time it is truly worth it considering that I am playing the Wicked Witch of the West in Seckman's lovely (very close to the movie) version of The Wizard of Oz. Yearbook hasn't really been a problem, but I'm pretty sure that it has something to do with the server being down so really all progress/slavework is at a virtual standstill. (AMAZING!)
A few friends and I have finally decided to realize our dream--however unrealistic it may be. We have formed a band--a rock/indie/alternative/punk band to be exact. Even though we only consist of a guitarist, drummer and a vocalist, we are determined. (With that said, we are on the prowl for a bassist and a second/lead guitarist because I know I'm not that good.)
I really want pizza.
----
Why is Karma being such a bitch?
I haven't done anything to her.
So I have kind of just been waiting for something good to happen because that's all I've been trying to do, but Karma keeps giving me the cold shoulder.
Karma, how about we give our friendship a second chance, eh?
Friday, December 26, 2008
Cinematic Moments Are the Best
I am living in a state I never thought I would be living in.
My dearest friend knows my darkest secret.
Yet, they have not abandoned me.
They have not said the horrible words I swore I would hear.
They have not cut me off.
I am not forced to observe them from an afar.
Quite the contrary.
Though the direct aftermath was Hell.
And it seemed all my fears were now staring me in the face.
In those few days of solitude,
I was prepared to suffer my fate, life without them, without protest.
But it seems that, as they predicted, they could not bear it.
They needed me as much a I need them.
And were willing to forgive me.
I did not account for this,
And from it grew the hope that maybe I could live the life I had seemingly destroyed.
What an impossibility.
When they reached out to me,
All my well-rehearsed apologies didn't matter.
And their cinematic declaration proved sound.
We are closer.
We are stronger.
And I find that I had it all wrong.
When the others told me I got the wrong one, I denied it.
But it's proved to be more true than any other statement made.
The sun is higher than the sky.
And I feel free at last.
The declaration comes back to me now, and I smile.
Maybe I did get the wrong one.
All I know is that now I feel that I got the best one.
They know that I lie, and they finally see me with all my flaws.
And they still trust me.
They still love me.
I am in a state of living I never thought I'd be living in.
It's called Euphoria.
----
Sorry about neglecting my blog for so long!
Although, I really don't know who reads this aside from my aunts....
My December was rough.
My report card will suck, and I probably failed Trig, but you know I don't actually need three credits of math to graduate so it doesn't really matter.
I had....I guess you could call it a fight even though it really didn't involve any normal aspects of a fight with my best friend and was given the Cold Shoulder TIMES A BILLION for a week and about died because of it. (That's what the first part of this post is about.)
Of course, this all ties into the all the people I've previously mentioned in this blog such as Ed, Jacob, and Alice, so for all of you out there (my aunts) trying to figure out who the Hell I'm actually talking about--here's another piece of the puzzle! (Cris, don't be a cheater and ask my mom either! She doesn't know! Hahaha!)
Obviously, I'm in a much better mood right now. I'm just really bored because I haven't seen anyone aside from my family for a solid week. I mean, I love them, but I am definitely missing Ashley and Jen and Kim and LUCY! (Even though I wouldn't be able to see Lucy anyway because she's in freaking SOUTH DAKOTAH!) (Same with Kim--she's in freaking MICHIGAN!) Is it so much to ask to have friends over ONE day over break? Blahhhhhhhhh! Or perhaps some cousins? Seriously...Chrismas=Extended family too, righ?! But I guess I'll get to see everybody tomorrow at the family Christmas, so I really shouldn't be complaining. But I am. Hahahaha.
My dearest friend knows my darkest secret.
Yet, they have not abandoned me.
They have not said the horrible words I swore I would hear.
They have not cut me off.
I am not forced to observe them from an afar.
Quite the contrary.
Though the direct aftermath was Hell.
And it seemed all my fears were now staring me in the face.
In those few days of solitude,
I was prepared to suffer my fate, life without them, without protest.
But it seems that, as they predicted, they could not bear it.
They needed me as much a I need them.
And were willing to forgive me.
I did not account for this,
And from it grew the hope that maybe I could live the life I had seemingly destroyed.
What an impossibility.
When they reached out to me,
All my well-rehearsed apologies didn't matter.
And their cinematic declaration proved sound.
We are closer.
We are stronger.
And I find that I had it all wrong.
When the others told me I got the wrong one, I denied it.
But it's proved to be more true than any other statement made.
The sun is higher than the sky.
And I feel free at last.
The declaration comes back to me now, and I smile.
Promise you won't hate me after this, okay?And may be the others were right.
You know I can't do that. You make me laugh too much.
Well, I hope that proves true.
Maybe I did get the wrong one.
All I know is that now I feel that I got the best one.
They know that I lie, and they finally see me with all my flaws.
And they still trust me.
They still love me.
I am in a state of living I never thought I'd be living in.
It's called Euphoria.
----
Sorry about neglecting my blog for so long!
Although, I really don't know who reads this aside from my aunts....
My December was rough.
My report card will suck, and I probably failed Trig, but you know I don't actually need three credits of math to graduate so it doesn't really matter.
I had....I guess you could call it a fight even though it really didn't involve any normal aspects of a fight with my best friend and was given the Cold Shoulder TIMES A BILLION for a week and about died because of it. (That's what the first part of this post is about.)
Of course, this all ties into the all the people I've previously mentioned in this blog such as Ed, Jacob, and Alice, so for all of you out there (my aunts) trying to figure out who the Hell I'm actually talking about--here's another piece of the puzzle! (Cris, don't be a cheater and ask my mom either! She doesn't know! Hahaha!)
Obviously, I'm in a much better mood right now. I'm just really bored because I haven't seen anyone aside from my family for a solid week. I mean, I love them, but I am definitely missing Ashley and Jen and Kim and LUCY! (Even though I wouldn't be able to see Lucy anyway because she's in freaking SOUTH DAKOTAH!) (Same with Kim--she's in freaking MICHIGAN!) Is it so much to ask to have friends over ONE day over break? Blahhhhhhhhh! Or perhaps some cousins? Seriously...Chrismas=Extended family too, righ?! But I guess I'll get to see everybody tomorrow at the family Christmas, so I really shouldn't be complaining. But I am. Hahahaha.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
I Can't Wait
I can't wait until I'm older
So I can finally tell you all the things
I say when I'm alone
That you don't hear, but I whisper
That I sing, but you don't know are about you
That I believe so fully, but are so afraid to reveal
I can't wait to be a martyr of my own words
Because apparently
When I'm older
What I want to tell you will be better received
With open arms possibly
Because you are in worse shape than me
Or so I observe
I can't wait until these visions go away
So I can stop seeing you hurt a million times a night
So I can stop shaking, convulsing, dying
As I see your car twisted
As I see you lying in the hospital bed
Almost dead but still breathing
As I hear my friends ask if I have been crying
And as I reply that I have with more tears than before
As I see you wake to me confiding all the the things I've yet to say
Destroying the best friend I promised never to hurt
Destroying the facade I've allowed to grow
Destroying my the only thing I have left
This secret that is you
I can't wait until something comes to take my lazy eye of a mind
On to someone else and off of you.
But I what an impossibility
Because as long as the sky is blue
I will love you
This Declaration goes for two
Opposites, but two halves of the whole that is my heart
----
My birthday is Monday.
Twilight and my party are Friday.
I have the first season of DBZ to watch.
So I can finally tell you all the things
I say when I'm alone
That you don't hear, but I whisper
That I sing, but you don't know are about you
That I believe so fully, but are so afraid to reveal
I can't wait to be a martyr of my own words
Because apparently
When I'm older
What I want to tell you will be better received
With open arms possibly
Because you are in worse shape than me
Or so I observe
I can't wait until these visions go away
So I can stop seeing you hurt a million times a night
So I can stop shaking, convulsing, dying
As I see your car twisted
As I see you lying in the hospital bed
Almost dead but still breathing
As I hear my friends ask if I have been crying
And as I reply that I have with more tears than before
As I see you wake to me confiding all the the things I've yet to say
Destroying the best friend I promised never to hurt
Destroying the facade I've allowed to grow
Destroying my the only thing I have left
This secret that is you
I can't wait until something comes to take my lazy eye of a mind
On to someone else and off of you.
But I what an impossibility
Because as long as the sky is blue
I will love you
This Declaration goes for two
Opposites, but two halves of the whole that is my heart
----
My birthday is Monday.
Twilight and my party are Friday.
I have the first season of DBZ to watch.
Friday, October 17, 2008
And This is the Life I Chose
School: 7am-3pm Monday-Friday
Yearbook: 3pm-? (and occasionally any days we have off school i.e. today) Most days, Monday-Friday
(Except on Thursdays--Marching Band: 6pm-9pm)
Marching Band: Most Fridays (5pm-7pm) and Entire Weekends
Friends, yes.
Anything else, no.
Mental breakdowns are a'comin'!
(Oh and I owe my mom 50 bucks with no way to pay her off, and I don't have my driver's permit with one month until my seventeenth birthday.)
Yearbook: 3pm-? (and occasionally any days we have off school i.e. today) Most days, Monday-Friday
(Except on Thursdays--Marching Band: 6pm-9pm)
Marching Band: Most Fridays (5pm-7pm) and Entire Weekends
Friends, yes.
Anything else, no.
Mental breakdowns are a'comin'!
(Oh and I owe my mom 50 bucks with no way to pay her off, and I don't have my driver's permit with one month until my seventeenth birthday.)
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