I Do Not Understand. Only You Understand.

"You called and You shouted, broke through my deafness. Now I'm breathing in and breathing out. I'm alive again. You shattered my darkness, washed away my blindness. Now I'm breathing in and breathing out. I'm alive again."

It hurts to hear this song and not see you beside me; smiling and laughing and full of joy.

It hurts to hear this song and remember how safe I felt; how overwhelmed with love and a sense of purpose I was. Everything made sense. Everything fit. I had all of Your power and might behind me. I didn't need to worry anymore because You had a task for me, and supplied me with everything and everyone I needed.

I don't know how I lost that feeling of safety. I don't know where it all went. Somehow, between then and now, I have lost everything. And that doesn't make sense.

I have only grown to love and need You more. Why must I start again? You are testing me again. Testing to see if I will rise to Your challenge. I will, that is not a question, but why must it hurt so much? I suppose I thought I knew pain, and now You are showing me what pain really is--what being alone really means.

I am Yours. Imbue me with Your purpose. Make me Your instrument.

But please, all I ask is that I don't do this alone. Give me some of it back. I know I don't deserve to ask anything of You, and I certainly don't deserve to have any of it back, but I can hardly take this anymore. I blindly put one foot in front of the other for You--please, shed some Light.

The World Is All Crazy Backwards

Or maybe it's forwards.

I dunno.

I'm going to go ahead and adopt my mom's policy of "Screw 'Em" for this situation. I'm willing to work with you guys here, but I think you just like a reason to be mad at me so....meh.

I had another weird dream. Hmm. I think I'll be fine. :)

YOU ROCK THAT BLUE SWEATER.

Hey There!

I just want to share some really great music with you all. Please check out (in no particular order):

Allison Weiss

Lauren Zettler

Jenny Owen Youngs

Field Mouse

Ingrid Michaelson

Bess Rogers

Lelia Broussard

The Age of Rockets

These are all artists/bands I have only recently become acquainted with and I have fallen head over heals for all of them! A lot of them offer free music downloads, so definitely take advantage of that!

The best part about all of these is that they are putting out music they want to put out for the most part completely independently. Bess Rogers, for example, is funding her next album release by FAN DONATION ALONE. She needs $15,000 and she's already gotten over $10,000. Does that not excite anyone else?

Sure these people (for the most part) aren't household names, they aren't headlining, but they are doing what they love. They are happy.

It's just so freaking inspiring. If I end up half as satisfied as any of them, I will consider it a blessing.

You Know What?

I feel amazing. Today is amazing. I'm pretty sure this week is going to be amazing and I really don't know why since nothing really has changed in my life. I woke up this morning and even though I was freezing and tired because I stayed up too late, I really felt good. And even though as I was opening my new coffee the coffee grounds exploded out on me and the sink, I still felt good. I got to Chaucer, and even though that annoying girl kept talking, I still made some pretty good points. And I got an 84 on my test!!!!!! French was French, which is always enjoyable and here I am now eating my lunch and getting ready for band. Ashley got in a car wreck, but she is fine and all the damage is to her car's bumper and it was the other guy's fault, so that's not so bad. I still feel great.

Wow, that was just a block of horribly written text. Way to be, English Major.

You know what, whatever.

Did you know that getting a MASTER'S at Columbia College Chicago is HALF the price (including housing) of getting a BA (not including housing)? I didn't either, at least not until recently. I am excited!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You know what else? I would be more than capable of completing that degree with my BA in English. I just have to build a portfolio....haha....

BUT STILL!

Life, you are going to be awesome, whether you want to be or not.

Also, I do not stand alone--Jesus is with me. :)

Masterful and Decadent Wasted

I have to stop.

Stop thinking

Stop remembering

Stop processing

It's not working

Nothing works

Nothing helps

Nothing heals

"You used to care when my fingers bled

And I told you not to fret

Now you look at me like you want me dead

Like you never once called me friend."

I'm thinking Cm, Em, Dm.

This just comes out.

These words that I only halfway want to say.

I got a new guitar and relearned almost every song I ever knew.

I read this article that scientists have discovered that when a relationship of any substance comes to an end, thoughts and memories about said relationship stimulate that same areas in the brain that are stimulated by actual physical pain. At first, I simply thought, "Well, this all makes sense now--how I am feeling makes sense." But then, later in the day I thought, "Wait, isn't that a two way street?" Therefore, you could be in pain too. I don't know how I feel about that. At first, I think that I want it to end for you. I want it to stop. But then I remember that you started it, and you could so easily make it stop for yourself.

Then:

"None of this is clean,

But I think that I need

More than the ice cold stare that you left with me."

Gm, Cm, Am, Dm

I dunno. Considering that isn't entirely accurate. It wasn't ice cold. It was curious. So confusing.

If you don't hate me, what do you think of me? Somehow, through all of this, I still think the world of both of you. Perhaps it's because I am crazy. I finally lost it.

I know that if you see this it won't do me any good.

I will wait--I will always wait--but I won't hold my breath.

I know my brain isn't working right.

---

"Hatred stirs up dissension, but love covers over all wrongs.” – Proverbs 10:12

“We love because he first loved us. If anyone says, “I love God,” yet hates his brother, he is a liar. For anyone who does not love his brother, whom he has seen, cannot love God, whom he has not seen.” – 1 John 4:19-20

I think my favorite part about these verses is where they were brought to my attention.

---

No more of this.

I call it quits.

Empty or Blank or Clear like Glass

Was I supposed to do something?
Or say something?

Considering that I don't know what is going on, I figure it's best just to stay quiet.

---

Miss you.

---

Ugh, now I feel like an ass for going to bed early and missing you! :(
My bad.

---

New guitar means new songs. :)

Test

This is a test of will.

I will not do this again.

I will not get ahead of myself.

I will take this all in stride.

I will love what I have only as it is.

---

You are a test of resolve.

I will stand by what I believe.

I will not fall into hate.

I will open myself to forgiveness.

I will continue to become myself.

---

It is a test of might.

I will do what I intend.

I will set the record straight.

I will stand in the light.

I will look you in the eye.