Paparazzi

Being alone with my thoughts doesn't suit me. Especially when they are of you. I run through every memory like it was a movie. Every scene is repeated over and over until I am about to scream.

I can't play your game. You've got me beat. This didn't happen on my terms, so let me at least defend myself. If I ever meant anything to you, you know this is not fair.

Look at my blog being all depressing...

I didn't do this right, but can you let me make it right?

If Not Now, When?

It's really funny how everything is laying out for me right now. Everything is just exploding in my head. I cannot play enough Tetris.*

I'm entirely focused on two different people right now. These people mean the world to me. I cannot stress that enough.

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I made a decision a year ago.

It was either limit this immediately in order to be honest, or keep it to myself so we could have the best chance. I understand you are upset that I didn't come clean to you, but you have to see it from my perspective. You have to understand that I was scared. It wasn't because I didn't trust you or love you; it was because I was scared. Please understand.

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Sir, I am just going to pretend that we never saw each other. That I never met her. That we never had to say goodbye because we never said hello. It just didn't happen. I didn't let it happen.

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*When I play Tetris, I can finally think things through.

It's All Said And Done

Well.

As the days pass, it becomes more like a dream and less like reality. It makes more sense as a dream. I've had dreams like that before. It really wouldn't be a stretch. It becomes incredulous to think that all of that actually happened.

But it did. It really did. And honestly have no idea what to make of it.

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I can breathe easy-ish.

At least, I have nothing left to hide.

That's something.

:)

I Can't Take It

I could sit here all day and talk to you about how I am actually upset. I am angry with you. I am angry that I was practically set up yesterday.

And I mean, Naysayers, you could all say: "You wanted it to go that way subconsciously. You wanted a reason to hold on."

Well, let me clear that up for all of you:

No, I did not.

I wanted the opposite. The exact opposite. I wanted you to be happy, to be content. I wanted a period at the end of the sentence, not an ellipses.

I'm tired, so tired of this. Turn off the machines and let it die. DNR, mind the DNR.

Frozen Creek

All my life, you were someone I wanted, but couldn't have. Regardless of what I did, what I said, you would not relent. Somehow, though, everyone else managed to see something there. Something that managed to be enough to keep me from going crazy--to keep me from giving up on you. Time passed, things happen, things didn't happen, and you were stolen from me. To be honest, it was to the point that I was not watching out for you either.

I mourned this loss much longer than I should have. I wished for impossibilities. I prayed for maladies. I cried and screamed in my sleep and under my breath--wherever no one would be sure to hear. I blamed you and I blamed myself. So much so, I almost lost all that I ever was for something that would never be.

Finally, with time and patience, I began to rebuild. I began to see that, perhaps, you would be happy without me. Conversely, perhaps, I could be happy without you. I was cautious to praise you. I was cautious to be proud of a man who didn't need me. But slowly, I let you out and in at the same time. I re-branded you in my heart and mind. You were new and so was I.

To finally complete this transformation, this healing--to cut the ribbon on the new life I was to have--I returned to you with arms open wide; ready to take in all that you were without me. All of your success that I had no role in whatsoever. I was ready to face it.

Today was that day. Today, I was to close this chapter of my life. Today, I was to forget the life we could have had forever and never visit again. I was so ready and willing for this to be over.

However, you were not.

I did not count on that.

My friend, you are and will always be it for me. That will never change. But I cannot wait any longer. I can no longer play this part of the girl who is ready to catch you when you fall. There are so many things I am missing. I can feel it. However, you know all too well, that I will not turn from you--not completely--not until you are happy and I am sure of it.

I always feel safe with you, and I wanted those last moments to last forever just as you did, but I am not going to live in that memory forever. Not this time.

The human part of me is repainting this scene again. New and vibrant colors fill the canvas. But I must remember that it is just a picture and nothing more. The characters aren't alive. It is not animated, unless you want it to be so.

I refuse to hold my breath.

Instead, I will close my eyes and hope I can live with what I see when I wake up.

Divinity is the Weather

I remember the last time it felt like this. It was such a good day. :)

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Coincidences are the weirdest things. Several coincidences are destroying my brain right now.

1. The book I am reading starts in in the town of Butte, Montana. This is Kellan's mother's hometown. This Sunday, I am going to a party at her house featuring cuisine from Butte. (So she says. I mean, I think it's just going to be barbecue.)

2. There is this girl and I'm pretty sure she's like me in that she picks out people to befriend. This time, it seems that she has picked me. The coincidence is that she is a flute player who sits directly in front of me in band....who else did that????? (get it?)

3. Today, I have a test in Psych. It requires me to have an actual wooden #2 pencil. I didn't bring any of those with me. However, the last time Colleen was here, she left one.

You see what I mean? It's weird, right?

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"I don't want to know that you don't want me.
I don't want to know what you'd do without me.
I don't want to know what I'll be without you.
I dont wanna know. I don't wanna know."

Tegan and Sara kind of day.

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Corrections 8:40 pm

I am not crazy. I'm just not. And I am certainly not going to let the past year of my life just go down the drain. I don't want to get angry. I don't want to act out. But I also don't want to fall apart. I feel like I am caving in on myself. I am trying so hard, you have to know that, right? But you aren't giving me anything. I mean, yeah, now you answer the phone, but part of me thinks that's even worse. I wake up each day to the horrible reminder that I am simply not allowed to talk to you. This was made doubly worse because last night I had a dream that we were us again. Of course, I knew it was a dream because that's too good to be true--but it was a nice break from knowing the best thing that ever happened to me is gone.

TIME FOR SPRING I SAY!

You Guys,

Archer Farms Black Pepper and Sea Salt Kettle Cooked Potato Chips make my life.

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There are seven stages of coping with Tragedy:

1. Shock

2. Scrambling (To Fix It)

3. Misery

4. Dispair

5. Pseudo - Acceptance

6. Pessimism ["My life is so horrible, I should just do something stupid because things really can get any worse. Life as I know it is over..." etc.]

7. Actual Acceptance

I am at stage 6. I was at stage 5 yesterday. Hopefully, I will be at stage 7 tomorrow, but (predictably) I doubt it.

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I honestly can't wait until Sunday. :)

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I just need five minutes to get this all squared away.

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RPattz copy said hi to me today. Weird.