Call Me Dr. Teddy Altman

I don't know what to do. I know that I have been flailing way too much for what actually happened, but it is what it is.

Maybe it's because I have met only two people that I really get, and that really get me.

(I suppose that sentence should be in the past-tense because both of those people are no longer parts of my life.)

Maybe I really do get closer than I intend to people. Maybe despite all my talk of being independent, maybe I am just more dependent than anyone else.

I am struggling to find my footing. To find the next step to take. I say I want something to happen, but I live in the past, so how can anything possibly progress? How can I expect that?

---

This weekend was really good.

It was really nice to see Karlee and Kelsey, and to meet Bridget and Carbon.

And ABR.....hahaha.

I felt good for the first time in a long time. I felt like me - kind of anyway. I didn't feel down. I just felt like this was all shit I was going to get through, and things were actually going to be better. It wasn't like every other night where I think of all the great things that will never happen, of all the things I did wrong, of all the mistakes I have made.

I was just me. And I had no reason to be ashamed of anything that I am or that I have done.

It was really nice.

Addison Shepherd.

Enough said.

---

Even if I wanted to

I couldn't walk away from you

Because the minute I did it

I would want to tell you all about it

I Need To Wake Up

You sent me away. That's it. Done deal. I have no further obligation to you. I have no right to want more from you. The deal was that I would be by your side until you sent me away. Now you did and I have to stand by that.

I feel that this heartbreak. This feeling that part of me is missing. Memories I have don't make sense anymore because the source no longer exists. I hear a voice, a laugh. I see a smile. But I cannot identify the person. Were they ever there? I am perplexed by this.

Can some stand in my corner? In that black hole of the past that I once called home, can someone speak for me? Is no one there to defend me? Haven't my good deeds outweighed my missteps?

I will not speak, if you do not. I will not try anymore.

Paparazzi

Being alone with my thoughts doesn't suit me. Especially when they are of you. I run through every memory like it was a movie. Every scene is repeated over and over until I am about to scream.

I can't play your game. You've got me beat. This didn't happen on my terms, so let me at least defend myself. If I ever meant anything to you, you know this is not fair.

Look at my blog being all depressing...

I didn't do this right, but can you let me make it right?

If Not Now, When?

It's really funny how everything is laying out for me right now. Everything is just exploding in my head. I cannot play enough Tetris.*

I'm entirely focused on two different people right now. These people mean the world to me. I cannot stress that enough.

---

I made a decision a year ago.

It was either limit this immediately in order to be honest, or keep it to myself so we could have the best chance. I understand you are upset that I didn't come clean to you, but you have to see it from my perspective. You have to understand that I was scared. It wasn't because I didn't trust you or love you; it was because I was scared. Please understand.

---

Sir, I am just going to pretend that we never saw each other. That I never met her. That we never had to say goodbye because we never said hello. It just didn't happen. I didn't let it happen.

---

*When I play Tetris, I can finally think things through.

It's All Said And Done

Well.

As the days pass, it becomes more like a dream and less like reality. It makes more sense as a dream. I've had dreams like that before. It really wouldn't be a stretch. It becomes incredulous to think that all of that actually happened.

But it did. It really did. And honestly have no idea what to make of it.

---

I can breathe easy-ish.

At least, I have nothing left to hide.

That's something.

:)

I Can't Take It

I could sit here all day and talk to you about how I am actually upset. I am angry with you. I am angry that I was practically set up yesterday.

And I mean, Naysayers, you could all say: "You wanted it to go that way subconsciously. You wanted a reason to hold on."

Well, let me clear that up for all of you:

No, I did not.

I wanted the opposite. The exact opposite. I wanted you to be happy, to be content. I wanted a period at the end of the sentence, not an ellipses.

I'm tired, so tired of this. Turn off the machines and let it die. DNR, mind the DNR.

Frozen Creek

All my life, you were someone I wanted, but couldn't have. Regardless of what I did, what I said, you would not relent. Somehow, though, everyone else managed to see something there. Something that managed to be enough to keep me from going crazy--to keep me from giving up on you. Time passed, things happen, things didn't happen, and you were stolen from me. To be honest, it was to the point that I was not watching out for you either.

I mourned this loss much longer than I should have. I wished for impossibilities. I prayed for maladies. I cried and screamed in my sleep and under my breath--wherever no one would be sure to hear. I blamed you and I blamed myself. So much so, I almost lost all that I ever was for something that would never be.

Finally, with time and patience, I began to rebuild. I began to see that, perhaps, you would be happy without me. Conversely, perhaps, I could be happy without you. I was cautious to praise you. I was cautious to be proud of a man who didn't need me. But slowly, I let you out and in at the same time. I re-branded you in my heart and mind. You were new and so was I.

To finally complete this transformation, this healing--to cut the ribbon on the new life I was to have--I returned to you with arms open wide; ready to take in all that you were without me. All of your success that I had no role in whatsoever. I was ready to face it.

Today was that day. Today, I was to close this chapter of my life. Today, I was to forget the life we could have had forever and never visit again. I was so ready and willing for this to be over.

However, you were not.

I did not count on that.

My friend, you are and will always be it for me. That will never change. But I cannot wait any longer. I can no longer play this part of the girl who is ready to catch you when you fall. There are so many things I am missing. I can feel it. However, you know all too well, that I will not turn from you--not completely--not until you are happy and I am sure of it.

I always feel safe with you, and I wanted those last moments to last forever just as you did, but I am not going to live in that memory forever. Not this time.

The human part of me is repainting this scene again. New and vibrant colors fill the canvas. But I must remember that it is just a picture and nothing more. The characters aren't alive. It is not animated, unless you want it to be so.

I refuse to hold my breath.

Instead, I will close my eyes and hope I can live with what I see when I wake up.