Masterful and Decadent Wasted

I have to stop.

Stop thinking

Stop remembering

Stop processing

It's not working

Nothing works

Nothing helps

Nothing heals

"You used to care when my fingers bled

And I told you not to fret

Now you look at me like you want me dead

Like you never once called me friend."

I'm thinking Cm, Em, Dm.

This just comes out.

These words that I only halfway want to say.

I got a new guitar and relearned almost every song I ever knew.

I read this article that scientists have discovered that when a relationship of any substance comes to an end, thoughts and memories about said relationship stimulate that same areas in the brain that are stimulated by actual physical pain. At first, I simply thought, "Well, this all makes sense now--how I am feeling makes sense." But then, later in the day I thought, "Wait, isn't that a two way street?" Therefore, you could be in pain too. I don't know how I feel about that. At first, I think that I want it to end for you. I want it to stop. But then I remember that you started it, and you could so easily make it stop for yourself.

Then:

"None of this is clean,

But I think that I need

More than the ice cold stare that you left with me."

Gm, Cm, Am, Dm

I dunno. Considering that isn't entirely accurate. It wasn't ice cold. It was curious. So confusing.

If you don't hate me, what do you think of me? Somehow, through all of this, I still think the world of both of you. Perhaps it's because I am crazy. I finally lost it.

I know that if you see this it won't do me any good.

I will wait--I will always wait--but I won't hold my breath.

I know my brain isn't working right.

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"Hatred stirs up dissension, but love covers over all wrongs.” – Proverbs 10:12

“We love because he first loved us. If anyone says, “I love God,” yet hates his brother, he is a liar. For anyone who does not love his brother, whom he has seen, cannot love God, whom he has not seen.” – 1 John 4:19-20

I think my favorite part about these verses is where they were brought to my attention.

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No more of this.

I call it quits.

Empty or Blank or Clear like Glass

Was I supposed to do something?
Or say something?

Considering that I don't know what is going on, I figure it's best just to stay quiet.

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Miss you.

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Ugh, now I feel like an ass for going to bed early and missing you! :(
My bad.

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New guitar means new songs. :)

Test

This is a test of will.

I will not do this again.

I will not get ahead of myself.

I will take this all in stride.

I will love what I have only as it is.

---

You are a test of resolve.

I will stand by what I believe.

I will not fall into hate.

I will open myself to forgiveness.

I will continue to become myself.

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It is a test of might.

I will do what I intend.

I will set the record straight.

I will stand in the light.

I will look you in the eye.

So Weird

I have been so tired lately--for absolutely no reason. For example, I went to bed at 1:30 last night and got up 9, BUT I just crashed into a coma from 5 to 6:30. I mean, what the heck? There is no reason I should feel that tired. I am angry with myself about this. Really angry.

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To see you....would be absolutely amazing. But this works too.

But not really. haha

Light and airy, while everything around us isn't.

Is that how we work?

LIFE, you know?

This post's title is basically the mantra of my life.

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It's good to know. I don't expect monologues. I don't expect soliloquies. So why would I expect more than to know?

Well, now I know, so it's just business as usual.

I'll tell you one thing: It's good to know that some friendships can overcome time, space, heartbreak and all else. Because some things are just meant to be. You and me being friends? Well, that is just one of those friendships.

And if all you want is for me to distract you from your surroundings, then, by God, that's what I will do. You can stand under my umbrella, you know?

I'm Not That Green

I'm not imagining things, but I am not going to call you out.

Look at me, agonizing over a decision I spent the majority of my life thinking I would never get to make.

Relapsing with Avril Lavigne.

THIS IS RIDICULOUS

It is. You get that, right? I mean, the first notes I took in my Chaucer notebook today had absolutely NOTHING to do with Chaucer. That's kind of a problem for me, considering I really like Chaucer and being a good student in Chaucer.

#chaucerChaucerCHAUCER

LIKE. It's kinda nice because all the poppy, punky songs I used to pretend applied to my life, now kinda do. BUT ON THE SAME COIN, they really shouldn't. I used to be an overly dramatic fifteen year old; my life should not be in the (relatively) same place at this point.

And I mean, SURE, I love television and film. And who hasn't, at one point or another, wanted their life to be as "exciting" as Grey's Anatomy or ...some other critically acclaimed television program even though you KNOW that it's so EXAGGERATED and totally NOT possible IRL.

Of course, everyone thinks that--UNTIL IT HAPPENS TO THEM. And of course, when life doesn't seem that great, they hope and pray that something will JUST HAPPEN to reiterate that you are, in fact, a living and breathing human being. But then whatever it is actually HAPPENS and you just want to scream. And you start to long for the days that the most exciting that that ever happened to you was making a good point in Chaucer.

I am all about progress, and destiny, and faith, and love, but this is all just too much for me. I was working on finally simplifying my life--getting comfortable with the fact that I might not have a movie based on my life--but it just so happens, that God coincidentally decided to throwme into an asteroid field without any updated charts, just to see how long I can last, at the exact same time. Yeah, it's just ridiculous.

I'm sorry. I would probably just enjoy this if I could forget about the little girl that is caught in the middle of all of this. Whatever comes of this directly affects her--much more so than it will ever affect me. Perhaps that is why I am so worried.

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On a brighter note:

I made three good points in Chaucer, IN SPITE OF MY BRAIN EXPLOSION.

And I totally nailed my French test. I should just minor in it, damn it.

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I know I said I wouldn't do this anymore, but it's times like these I really wish I could talk to you. But, don't worry, I know that's not going to happen.

Forward Motion

Playing guitar is changing my life in such a good way. Now if only I could remember the name of that band you told me about....dang it.

Pi Day is Monday. I did manage to find a Pi Day gig, so I am pretty pleased. Several actually. I just don't know if I can go to both.

I am looking towards this summer--towards seeing Chicago, and spending time with people who love me more often.

After talking with a wise, brown sage, I am looking forward to Spring Break as well.

When it comes down to it, I made myself miserable this whole time. Somewhere along the way, between trying to salvage what I could and letting go of what I couldn't, I let go of myself. It wasn't "The Family" who made me happy. I was naturally happy, but this transition made me forget that.

Well, no more. Time to go back to being me, and evolving that into who I am meant to be.

Let's Just Wait

And see what happens.

That's what I am going to do. I never do that. I never just wait and see about anything. There is always a plan of action. But I guess I've learned that plans of action or reaction don't really have any control over what God wants from you.

There is one thing I am going to try. It's big and it's impractical and it will probably never actually be finished, but it's the one thing I want to do--just for me. Just to see if I can do it. I don't care how cool it seems or what it could get me. I just want to see if I can do it. If, and only if, I succeed do I get revisit this.

In the meantime, I will be working towards a goal designed just for me. And I will be selfish. I will have impossible dreams. And that is allowed because it's only for me.

So, let's just wait and see what happens.

Clarity

I'm fine, really. I am living and breathing, so I am fine. This isn't what I wanted, but since when do people get what they want? People get what they need. It's just hard to believe that right now.

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These words aren't meant to scathe. They really aren't meant for anything except for me to write. For me to say so they aren't in my head anymore.

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Stupid Mr. Awesome doesn't want to work with the rest of the section because he doesn't want to risk losing his monopoly on the world's supply of Awesome. I hate Stupid Mr. Awesome.