Slumberland is a Labyrinth

I hate when I have dreams that are so real they trick me into believing that they are! I'll have some sort of revelation that makes COMPLETE sense in the context of the dream and then I will wake up and continue to believe it for the first few hours of the day. At some point, I will basically wake up again and call that revelation into question. For the rest of the day I am fighting with myself to disregard my Slumberland revelation. Sometimes I don't end up succeeding. It's really frustrating!

I suppose it's my own fault though. If only I could decompress my thoughts.

I MEAN

So I was talking with Kellan, and it was going pretty well. He seemed in high spirits, you know? He was telling me how he wanted to "get beefy" or "beef up" and I was making fun of him. Then he was like: "I'm thinking of buying a OH SHIT WE GOTTA GO!!!!"

And I was "OKAY BYE!"

And he was like "LOVE YOU!!!"

And I was like "LOVE YOU TOO!!!!"

And...I mean, even though I am scared....it's still kind of funny.

BUT STILL SCARY.

Foolish

I need to stop being so foolish. This is not going to be easy. This is going to be hard. This is not going to just fall neatly in my lap. Some days, it is not going to be magic. Some days, you won't want to talk. And most importantly of all, there is a huge chance I am still wrong.

So instead of being foolish and acting all down in the dumps, I need to be practical. I have plenty of time anyhow.

89 more days, to be exact!

Summer Obsession 2011

So I watched the movie Kick-Ass last night. Freaking awesome. Thus sparking this year's summer obsession: Comic books and Comic book characters.

Yup.

True nerd.

However, I do plan to read a lot more this summer. Yay!

Words From the Wise

Mammy once said: "Life is too short to drink wine you don't like."
Or something to that effect anyway.

First, I agree. Why drink wine you don't like?

Second, I decided that life is too short to waste on people who don't make you smile.
I really don't know how to apply that though. My aim is to just spend time with people who make me smile A LOT.

In Case Anyone is Wondering

THE CAR CLIMATE SUCKS.

Do not, I repeat, DO NOT believe any of the commercials about prices being SUPER LOW right now. Because they aren't. Those SUPER LOW prices only apply to late model year gas guzzlers like Hummers and GTOs. However, older model years, regardless of mileage, are remaining the same. There are a few exceptions. Like foreign cars. But that's a completely different animal. GAH. I am operating under the assumption that I will need a car in August, so this just does not bode well for me at all.

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Last night was fantastic. I want more of those.

From Here I Step

Into something much bigger than myself. Three promises I have made, and three promises I will keep. There is good here, but it is being choked.

What strength I must acquire, what faith I must embrace.

I take Your hand, and I pull myself up. This is my true life.

Stripped down and purged, I stand before You. As I hope every day that I will no longer falter. That I will no longer succumb.

What a marvelous gift.

Far From Home

I’ve got a bad taste in me
It’s like I’ve been robbed of something
I once was in my childhood memories
And it’s buried in sandboxes back where we used to see
The dreams could come true if believed
The sidewalks scream our names

We are so
Far from home
Far from home

I’ve got a bad pain in my heart
It’s like the first time that I looked in your eyes
The first time it all fall apart
And it’s buried in sandboxes back where we used to see
The dreams could come true if believed
The sidewalks scream our names

We are so
Far from home
Far from home

All I have is words
To which I’m a slave
I scribble them down
Hoping to save me
But I’m lost
I’m so lost

These pages will burn
And I’ll pass away
Yesterday’s gone
And I just can’t shake
The fact that I’m lost
I’m so lost

But now we are so far from home
Far from home

Now we are so far from home
Far from home

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So many things I could say, but aside from apologizing for my mistakes, I think this sums it all up.

Everything is So Humorous

After you play Final Fantasy X (That's roman numeral 10, just fyi).

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Why is everyone so sensitive to her, and so...well words fail me right now...not sensitive to me?

It's probably my main question. Because that's what gets me every time. Could I really have been so disposable?

No More To Say

By the grace of God, I am what I am.
[1 Cor 15:10]

Before Birth is Labor

I often feel like I am leading a completely different life. Like I have suffered a disassociative fuge or something. Especially when I line it all up. from 1991 to 2011, almost everything connects except for 2010. That year, I feel like it belongs to someone else. Sometimes I even feel like I stole it.

Or it was like a past life. An ancient time? A prehistoric civilization that reveals itself through the occasional discovery of a relic--A mix cd, a poem, a photograph. This is all made doubly strange by the fact that while I was experiencing this year removed, I was completely under the impression that my current life was the one that was ancient history.

I feel love for...something. Something I am not even sure ever existed. I remember the feeling, and I have memories, but I don't think they are real. People, places, conversations--they felt so real, and yet they are nothing. Nothing?

Now there is just a space in my time continuum, a rift. Like someone just took all of the related files and deleted them. And my only recourse is to occasionally rifle through the recycle bin.

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I used to pretend he had died just to get through the day.

Now, as he is very much alive,

Must I do the same with you?

I see no other solution.

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This girl who was in my Philosophy class last semester and my Chaucer and Advanced Writing and Research classes this semester did her final paper as an examination of pregnancy in Literature. She then had to do a presentation on the subject, and she brought up some really great points.

She said that everyone uses rebirth as this great device to illustrate a clean slate, or good things to come, or just different things. It's this big positive image, everyone uses it. However, what is not emphasized in this metaphor, but still indirectly serving the metaphor's purpose is the fact that before any birth can occur, there is labor and pain. While rebirth is this huge symbol for positive change, what is often forgotten is that change hurts.

In that moment, as she concluded her presentation with this point, I was in love with this girl because she was telling me exactly what I needed to hear. She was telling me, showing me, the justification I was looking for this entire semester. And it was so perfect because it was the last thing she said, and it was probably the last class we would ever have together, and it's the end of the semester. It was like a season finale, you know?

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Would you want me when I'm not myself?
Wait it out while I am someone else?

And I, in time, will come around, come around
I always do for you

Suppose I said
You're my saving grace?

My grace
My self

I always thought this would apply to us one day. By always, I mean since the eight grade. It was practically quoted today and it felt familiar, but it took me awhile to remember. But I did. It's moments like these that make me love Life and God, and feel so blessed.

Piece of Cake

Yes, my title is in reference to CK's mixtape. It's a pretty decent album. DJ Trank is a beast.

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One final down, five to go--two of which aren't really finals.

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Life Plan Adjustment: Graduating in December of 2012, rather than Spring. Then subbing the shit out of Fox C-6 and beefing up my portfolio.

To tell the truth, I'm not really sure what I'm going to be doing a month from now, much less a year. I don't know what this degree is going for. I just know that I need it. If I stop studying literature, if I take that out the equation, it's like taking half of me out of the equation. Okay, so I admit: I would be a kickass English teacher, but I am too ambitious for that. I want too much. If I study literature and then apply it to film maybe, just maybe, I could accomplish some of what I want.

And what do I want? To be comfortable. To be recognized as an authority. To be remembered.

In my last post I talked about transferring. Now I don't think that is such a good idea. This is a challenge. If I am truly so talented, I will overcome this. I will make greatness out of nothing. I will carve a place for myself out all of this. To leave would be to admit defeat. I don't think I am ready for that yet.

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They are sooooooooooooooooooooo cute. It's ridiculous.

A Tegan and Sara Kind of Time

I am pretty dang sure Tegan and Sara can soundtrack my life now.

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I need to talk to you face to face, but that won't be an option for quite some time. Until then, I will just have to figure out how to type faster. This mistake won't define you. And, to be honest, I am not even sure I would call it a mistake. But I can't be so sure about that part yet.

Mister, you are still good. You are doing good. Better days are ahead. Know this with every step you take.

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I get to meet Iliya tomorrow. Finally. Haha.

Chalk one more up for Duality.

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Just a thought: What if I transferred to Truman? Everyone seems to like it there.....

Then again, I would have to learn how to do laundry.

Then Again

I love how last night I was so confident. So resolved and absolute. Well, unless I get to talk to you, all of that confidence is going to disappear in the next few hours.

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I don't want to bash, but this is like a no-brainer to me. The apple doesn't fall to far from the tree, you know? I'm pretty sure that we are diametrically opposed people. I want to say that I got this no problem, but that would be far too presumptuous.

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A carwreck? I mean, come on. Salt in the wound, Jesus. Salt in the wound.

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I am blogging because I can't focus on anything AT ALL.

I just want to talk this all out.

....

I am feeling confrontational tonight.

(I realize that this is contradictory to the first part of this post).

Don't Rush.

Turning Point

I realize that this is my third post in three days and that is lame, but I don't really care anymore.

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I really don't know how to feel about what you said. What you said about her. I was going through your pictures to remind myself that you are, in fact, a real person and not just some phantom character I talk to on the internet--and I made myself take a good look at the pictures of you and her. I can't say anything about her, but I could see that you were happy. And that's when I realized that I didn't care about how I fit into anything, that I just wanted you to be happy. This doesn't have to be a movie.

And then, we got the chance to speak. While I had the full intention of approaching this differently, you said you hated her. How was I supposed to respond to that? Now, I hate her. And as much as this could mean something for me, I will not take pleasure in it. You certainly aren't.

Regardless...

I think we both know that this is a turning point.

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What is a year?

What is thirty dollars?

It's a surprise.

I Fall On Deaf Ears

Constantly. Anything I say garners no response. Yet, if I yell or scream, I am over the top. Say you are distracted--I say you are detached. Or rather unattached.

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This will make sense soon enough.

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The semester ends in less than two weeks. Then I will officially be a college junior. I'm going to try to make senior before the summer ends. I can do it. I have to do it. If I stay here any longer, around you any longer, I will fail every expectation I have ever had for myself. I will fail myself. That cannot happen.

The Major Problem With My Studies

I get on my computer to, I don't know, type a paper, do some research, translate some French--you know, homework. Naturally, I check FB first. It's like checking email, okay? Usually, there isn't anything of importance anyway. BUT, if he is on, I have to talk to him.

I can't ignore him. What if he gets blown up tomorrow?

So instead of starting my homework, I spend an hour or so talking to him. He makes me laugh like you wouldn't believe. I hope I do the same for him.

He would be upset if he knew that I talked to him instead of doing homework, but...he'll never know. haha

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If anyone reads this, keep my friend, Kellan J. Seiwert in your prayers.