Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Before Birth is Labor

I often feel like I am leading a completely different life. Like I have suffered a disassociative fuge or something. Especially when I line it all up. from 1991 to 2011, almost everything connects except for 2010. That year, I feel like it belongs to someone else. Sometimes I even feel like I stole it.

Or it was like a past life. An ancient time? A prehistoric civilization that reveals itself through the occasional discovery of a relic--A mix cd, a poem, a photograph. This is all made doubly strange by the fact that while I was experiencing this year removed, I was completely under the impression that my current life was the one that was ancient history.

I feel love for...something. Something I am not even sure ever existed. I remember the feeling, and I have memories, but I don't think they are real. People, places, conversations--they felt so real, and yet they are nothing. Nothing?

Now there is just a space in my time continuum, a rift. Like someone just took all of the related files and deleted them. And my only recourse is to occasionally rifle through the recycle bin.


I used to pretend he had died just to get through the day.
Now, as he is very much alive,
Must I do the same with you?
I see no other solution.


This girl who was in my Philosophy class last semester and my Chaucer and Advanced Writing and Research classes this semester did her final paper as an examination of pregnancy in Literature. She then had to do a presentation on the subject, and she brought up some really great points.

She said that everyone uses rebirth as this great device to illustrate a clean slate, or good things to come, or just different things. It's this big positive image, everyone uses it. However, what is not emphasized in this metaphor, but still indirectly serving the metaphor's purpose is the fact that before any birth can occur, there is labor and pain. While rebirth is this huge symbol for positive change, what is often forgotten is that change hurts.

In that moment, as she concluded her presentation with this point, I was in love with this girl because she was telling me exactly what I needed to hear. She was telling me, showing me, the justification I was looking for this entire semester. And it was so perfect because it was the last thing she said, and it was probably the last class we would ever have together, and it's the end of the semester. It was like a season finale, you know?


Would you want me when I'm not myself?
Wait it out while I am someone else?

And I, in time, will come around, come around
I always do for you

Suppose I said
You're my saving grace?

My grace
My self

I always thought this would apply to us one day. By always, I mean since the eight grade. It was practically quoted today and it felt familiar, but it took me awhile to remember. But I did. It's moments like these that make me love Life and God, and feel so blessed.

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