Oh, hi.

Just thought I would drop by for an update.

Basically, my life is awesome.  I am living an awesome life.

Can't wait to see what happens.

Auditing a class this J-Term - Video Games as an Art Form.  Should be fun.

I just have a few things left to do.

Spring Break 2012

It's kind of like a sabbatical, I think.

I have goals, like reading the books I need to read for my one huge term paper this semester, but mainly this week is about me.

For the first time, the majority of my work this semester has consisted of creation.  I wrote more than fifty pages of original work for one class alone.  Add the thirty-four pages for my other classes and it becomes natural to think that I am feeling a bit drained.

I need to be rejuvenated, and I really think the only way to do that is to remember why I am doing all of this.  So Friday, I watched Glee.  Sunday I watched Star Wars.  Today I am watching Harry Potter and I may or may not be watching Avatar later.  Also, I think I'll be reading Catching Fire tonight.

Already, I am thinking of fresh ideas to apply to my work.  New and better ways to accomplish what I really want to accomplish.  Maybe sometime this week I'll try to apply them, but I think I'll hold off on school-related creation this week.  If I write anything, it'll be fandom related.  That's more of a game than creation, anyway.

Of course, sometimes I feel like I'm beginning to take myself too seriously.  Writing is supposedly to be about expression and all that.  But if I learned anything this semester, it's that writing is about communication, or rather conveying that expression to an audience.  Therefore, if I am going to be successful, I must begin to strictly adhere to what I want to say.  It is a careful and serious business, writing.

I know that sounds pretentious, but if I were to remain artsy rather than serious about my craft, I am sure I would achieve nothing.

This week is to prepare me for the work ahead.

I Know I'm Not on Here Much Anymore

But I feel like I should let you all know that some of my work has been selected for publication in LU's literary magazine, Arrow Rock.  I'm thinking it will be in print in April.

Next task: The GRE.

So I haven't been here in awhile.

Sorry about that.

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Updates About My Life:

• More in love with Glee
• But I also hate it so much
• I realize that is unhealthy
• I am far too attached to my iPhone
• How did I survive without it?
• I realize that is unhealthy
• Going to be published in LU literary journal
• Fun stuff.
• School is awesome
• Need to think about the GRE
• Also need to think about the Writing Assessment 
• Developing a love for hipster music
• Although, this is happening so late, can it be called hipster music anymore?
• Feel free to recommend more.

And Miles To Go Before I Sleep

Sometimes I get so tired.  I just want to pack it all in and say, "Screw everything.  Everybody thinks I am so crazy for wanting what I want out of this life; I probably am.  Life is hard. So hard, in fact, that I really shouldn't even try to achieve anything I really truly want, because that's too hard."

Hopes and dreams are overrated; Realism is where it's at.  Taking the path of only relatively mild resistance--that is what you are asking of me.  That is what you call practicality.

In those times, I realize that I am confusing Realism for Fatalism; it's a family trait.

The only thing that is 'real' is the feeling I get when I think about where I'll be in five years.  That sensation of unbridled excitement and anticipation is the only 'real' thing I know these days.

Think what you will.  After all, I cannot stop you.  But the conflict between environmental and personal logic perspective it what is truly tiresome.

If only you could see what I see.  Nothing here is enough.

A Political Post

I watched this PBS documentary called "God in America" which was extremely interesting.  It's basically broke down exactly how the Evangelicals became so involved and influential in conservative politics.  It's all Reagan's fault.  This explains why the relatively large community of conservative-extremists I shared a high school with seemed to worship Reagan.  Hmm.

Anyway, from watching this documentary and thinking quite a bit, I concluded that if the Right Wing wants to realistically end abortion, they have to stop treating it like a political issue and begin to understand it as a social issue.  I mean, in Iran, abortion is illegal, which is what the Right Wing wants--it wants to obliterate Planned Parenthood and clinics that offer abortions.  Okay.  Well, conversely, in Iran it is legal to sell one of your kidneys, granted that it meets certain standards.  In fact, Iran is the only country that allows the sale of kidneys. That's ridiculous, right?  Yeah, people can live with one kidney, but why would anyone be so desperate for money that they would sell a kidney?  The answer is simple:  They need the money to pay for black market drugs (that may or may not be expired), and to then pay half-ass operation, under-the-table, group of shady individuals to perform an illegal (and not to mention completely unregulated by medical professionals) abortion.  Now, you may think I am inferring this, but I am not--I have watched several documentaries and researched the issue.  Clearly, the legal status of abortion makes little difference in the existence of the procedure.

The question, then, is how does one actually put an end to abortion?  For me, it seems that Pro-Life Conservatives need to adopt some rather liberal ideals.  Starting with teaching legitimate sexual education courses in school and promoting the use of contraceptives during sex. (Notice what I did there?  I said, "promoting the use of contraceptives during sex" not "promoting sex", which seems to be a common misinterpretation of the syntax.  Please, see the difference.)  This would also included changing the legal system's attitude towards rape from "Don't get raped" to the simple, but efficient "Don't rape".  And perhaps it wouldn't hurt if everyone came to terms with the idea that women can function in the workplace just as well as men, with or without wanting to "settle down and have a family"--career motivated women can also be good mothers, just as career motivated men can also be good fathers.  Men don't have to make a choice, so why should the workplace pressure women into doing so?

Right there, I have outlined every possibly politics-related reason a woman would have an abortion, and it seems to eliminate these reasons politically, the Right Wing Conservatives should consider crossing party lines for a spell.  I will concede that there are several other reasons why a woman would want to get an abortion, but the remaining reasons boil down to social-economic and moral atmosphere and personal choice, which for the most part cannot be regulated politically.  Hence why I said abortion should be treated as a social issue earlier in this post.  And, yes, because those remaining factors cannot be regulated politically, adopting the aforementioned liberal ideals will not bring a complete end to abortion, but it is the closest thing to an end any Pro-Life advocate can realistically hope for.  And if, in the words of John Winthrop and later Ronald Reagan, America truly wants to be a "shining city on a hill" for all of society to look towards, our only concern is that we are closer to perfect than anyone else.  When it comes to abortion, this is the only way to accomplish that.

Unpopular Opinion

America is a nation built on hypocrisy and betrayal.

I am sorry if that is hard for some of my readers to hear, but it is the truth.

If you disagree, I suggest you learn about a people called "Native Americans".  I know they aren't that popular these days, but it would probably be worth your while.

We killed a way of life, and we said God smiled on us.

Ready? Go!

I am slowly coming to terms with the facts that:

1. I love pop-culture more than being cultured.
2. I love dance music even if the lyrics suck.
3. And sometimes the lyrics don't suck so give the happy music a chance, people.
4. I can't dance, but I love doing it.
5. Everything is going to be fine.

....WE FOUND LOVE IN HOPELESS PLACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This and That.

Since the beginning of time, it's been one thing.

And believe me, I tried others, but nothing else makes me feel like I am living my life.

However, just because this is the only choice, that doesn't mean it's going to be easy. I am going to have to work my ass off. But it will be okay, because I am guaranteed to be satisfied.

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I'm going to be twenty on Thursday.

The people in my Novel class called me a baby.

Why do I feel too old?

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Really? Just let me know how you are doing.

Is that really too much for you to handle?

Exciting

I finally was selected to beta test Star Wars: The Old Republic. I know that may seem like an overly nerdy thing to blog about, but you have to understand: The first thing I did as a legal adult was sign up for the testing program. That was nearly two years ago, and I am finally getting the payoff. It's a big deal to me. When I got the email, I just started screaming and I immediately had to call my mother. This is the coolest thing ever.

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My birthday is in a week. I don't know how I feel about being twenty, or rather I don't know how I feel about not being a teenager anymore. I can pretty much guarantee that I will feel like a teenager long after the 17th. So I have to wonder, when does that feeling go away? And if it never does, is that a problem? I hope not.

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It was really nice to hear someone else tell me to "just go for it." I'll remember you. You don't think I will, but I know I will.

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I'm ready to get this show on the road.

An Album Review?

Okay, so I downloaded Switchfoot's latest album, Vice Verses, just for kicks. I have honestly tried to like Switchfoot several times in my life. I had three of their albums before downloading this one and when they came to LU last year, I thought they put on an amazing show. But they have never stuck with me. I thought that maybe this album would change that.

Nope.

To me, Switchfoot is a band that makes good singles or has a few good tracks an album, but they have never composed an entire album that I could listen to and love through and through. Vice Verses is no exception to this. Let's go track by track.

1. Afterlife - It's a decent opener. It has this revolutionary vibe to it, carpe diem or whatever, but it's way too similar to Switchfoot's earlier hit Meant to Live for me. I mean....it's essentially the same message. Still, it's a good song. It has an interesting rhythm to it and a nice sound.
2. The Original - Sometimes I think Switchfoot forgets that they have made many, many albums. Sometimes I think that they really think their ideas are so fantastic that they need put out track after track about them. This song...I mean, who were they writing for? The fourteen year old girl in all of us? Be original. That's what this song says. OVER and OVER and OVER. I kept getting the distinct vision of a teen-dance-party montage during this song. Not cool.
3. The War Inside - Musically, this song is pretty interesting. Again, however, the idea of personal/spiritual revolution is preached. This song really makes me wonder who Switchfoot's audience truly is. But more on that later. However, the line "We are the kids of the in-between" bothered me to no end. These are middle-aged men. And they are not profound enough to pull off transcendentalism like Emerson.
4. Restless - The song is, again, a song of searching and or the re-invention of self. That's basically all that's on this album. Except this one is a ballad. Joy.
5. Blinding Light - OH LOOK, it's a repeat of track four, but instead of a teenage girl, we've got a boy. Granted, this song is pretty fun musically. We've got a cool drumbeat and a nice bassline. I'm trying to figure out if Switchfoot would rather be a motivational speaking outfit. SO UPLIFTING.
6. Selling the News - WHERE DO I BEGIN WITH THIS SONG? See, it's this kind of crap that really bothers me with Switchfoot. They ALWAYS have a track where they just decided to get on a soapbox and rant about the media. About how "truth" gets muddled in everyday life. It's so ridiculous. I can't deal with it. I actually get angry because where do they get off condemning the media? THEY ARE PART OF THE MEDIA. Look, I get it, I lived through American Idiot, I understand the whole rebellion thing. But all this song is saying is that the media is this ugly, lying entity, and that by being suspicious of everything (rather than just secular sources), we are becoming just as bad as the evil perpetuated in the media--that Switchfoot is somehow separated from. Probably the most disturbing verse of this song is the line "See, opinions are easier to swallow than facts/the greys instead of the whites and the blacks." Anyone who knows anything about Switchfoot knows that they are a semi-Christian band that construct their songs in such a way that they always have two meanings: a secular one and a Christian one. Knowing this, what that line says from a Christian standpoint is to only accept the "truth" and nothing else. However, it presumes that the "truth" has one true and consistent interpretation. This is completely untrue. This song is promoting a closed-minded perspective without compassion for those who come from a different viewpoint, which is holistically an very un-Christian stance. Christianity has always been perceived as a spirituality of compassion and understanding, and this song contradicts that in the very first verse.
7. Thrive - Another lovely ballad about spiritual re-invention. Nothing new. I am beginning to wonder if Switchfoot as produced anything truly "new" since 2004.
8. Dark Horses - At least this song is musically exciting. I wouldn't mind learning this on guitar. In fact, I actually like this song. Yeah, it's uplifting and about revolution and about spiritual re-invention, but it's presented in such a way that I don't want to punch anyone in the face. Good job.
9. Souvenirs - This song is probably the best song on the album because it's not general. Switchfoot isn't trying to take this transcendentalist viewpoint on spiritual revolution. This is a personal song. It's real. It's about love and loss. A listener can relate to it on a very personal level, but it's still only the speaker's message. If Switchfoot could do this for a few more tracks, I might like them. But alas.
10. Rise Above It - On the whole, aside from the energetic music, this song is entirely uninteresting. See tracks 1-5 and 7.
11. Vice Verse - This is a song about being human. Such a new concept about for Switchfoot. Very Emersonian....lame.
12. Where I Belong - This song is seven minutes long. I love the music, so I just ignore everything else. I mean, the message is fine...but it's basically a repeat of this entire album. Nothing remarkable.

I mean, it's not like I hate this album. I like a lot of the songs, but they shouldn't all be on the same album. They all say the same thing over and over. And it's boring. I am tired of hearing about spiritual awakening from Switchfoot. That's all they every talk about. And if I weren't a Christian, I have a hard time believing that I would find anything worthwhile in with this band. As it stands, I feel like I am being preached to. That's not cool. If I wanted that, I would listen to worship music. I mean, they aren't musically interesting or lyrically clever enough to get away with it like Relient K. Their lyrical concepts kind of sound like a broken record. I just wish they would branch out and stop trying to be uplifting, and just write music. Write songs they personally believe in, rather than promote general, transcendental Christian ideals. It's getting really old.

Thoughts

Ten minutes ago, I just realized that my dorm window overlooks the lake on campus. I looked out my window and literally froze. All I could see was green lake and the trees with their orange leaves.

Today, it's cold. Fall cold. And it's cloudy, but still bright.

Looking out the window, I thought, "My life is awesome. Life is beautiful. Everything is beautiful."

On the way back to my dorm this morning (pre-lake revelation), I realized that I could have a pretty nice normal life, but I don't want one. I refuse to live an average life. I refuse it.

So when I saw the lake, when I saw the beauty there, I realized I was making the right choice.

Retro-Blog

Had a dream

Woke up

Remembered the dream

Thought about it

Wanted it

Then

I realized it was just a dream.

Never going to happen

Never ever

Never again.

Thought about it some more

Remembered more

Past the dream

Into memories

I smiled

Then

I realized that's all was.

You're a casualty

You're over

You're done.

I realized that I these are my hardships.

Point A to Point B

I wish Meredith Grey would narrate my life too.

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Point A to Point B

That's essentially what life is. We all want to get from Point A to Point B. It can be specific or overly broad. The points can change, but they are always there. And how you get from each point is where your story is written. That's why you can only see things clearly in retrospect, because it's after you have reached a Point B. Then you are allowed to see what was written about you along the way. It's quite an interesting system.

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Some of you may have noticed a horribly written short story on my Facebook page. Basically, I needed to write a short story and Glee's version of Don't Stop Believing came on and I just went with it.

Funny thing about that story though. The female lead, Lisa, doesn't really have any business thinking that she would be a successful actress in any way. All she has is a feeling. Now, in the context of the story, it's hilarious. She's just like any female lead of any iconic 80's film and it ties in with the song Don't Stop Believing.

However.

As it applies to my life....and I hate to admit this, but all I have is a feeling. This inherent feeling that I am meant, made, to succeed. I know that sounds stupid. I know it is stupid. But it's what I have and it's what drives me. And I can't stop thinking about it. About how I am going to back this feeling up. About where this feeling will take me. And I am so terrified. But I can't find it in me to back down.

From Point A to Point B, I guess.

Fighting Cold Feet

It's so hard to connect your future with what you want; to make sure they line up. It's so hard and that's why whenever you tell someone what you want in your future, they usually try to tell you how unlikely it is, rather than try to encourage you or even listen for that matter.

It's also why most people give up on what they want and just let the future happen. Then, if they end up happy, they say it was luck or a blessing or the will of God.

At some point in life, you have to choose. You have to commit and decided that what you want is what you really want for your future. It's true: You make your own destiny, forge your own path, no one can do that but you--but you have to commit to that destiny.

This is where I am.

I have done all of the ground work. I have done all of the soul-searching. I know what I want. I can see the future that includes what I want. It's clear as day. Now I have to commit to it; I have to marry it. This destiny that I want has to now become as much a part of me as a spouse would. For better or worse and in sickness and in health.

It's only going to get harder from here: More expensive, more demanding, more cutthroat, but also more enlightening, more fulfilling, and more rewarding. If I commit, and get down the proverbial aisle, it will be worth it--I know that--but I have to get there first.

I was mistaken before. Now comes the hard part. Keeping faith.

Anti-Trust

You better not play me. Not after all I've done for you. Not after all we both promised.

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I've never been so disappointed in my life.

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I want to play guitar all of the time.

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You'll hear about Bragron in four years. Mark my words. Be sure to track the tag.

Here's The Thing About College

NOTE: This blogpost is for my Writing for Electronic Media class, so it may be a little different from the rest of this blog.

Here's the thing about college: It's stupid expensive.

I don't really understand why it's so expensive, but I do know that the expense is not relative. The cost of an American college education is far more expensive than, say, a Canadian college education. What's worse is the value of a colleged education is decreasing exponentially. Today's bachlor's degree is the high school diploma of fifty years ago--it's practically expected if you want to make any sort of decent living.

So if somebody wants to do more than just make a decent living, additional college is required. I mean, it's been practically a given since I started college, that in order to be really successful, I am going to have to go to grad school. Just chalk up another fifty grand or so to my student debt.

Naturally, the idea that colleges are going to start basing admission on a student's ability to pay is kind of frustrating. I mean, if a kid works their ass off to meet all of the admission requirements and get the good grades, they should get in. It shouldn't matter if the student is poor. Brains over Brawn/Financial Stability, right?

However, economic hardship is relative. I mean, I guess it's understandable that colleges would want to get away from admitting students who are less likely to keep up their end of the bargain. A college is a business too--they need to pay the bills.

I guess it's our own fault though. This is America--the shining example of capitalism. Money gets you everywhere and charity is rare. If you want something, you have to work for it. And I guess in the case of college, "work for it" will now also have to include three part time jobs as well as exemplary grades and involvment in extracuriculars. Good luck Class of 2013.

My Life.

It's completely and totally unbelievable.

And yet, I knew all of this was coming.

Everything that happens, I predict.

But it's still all too much.

Back at Seattle Grace

Netflix FINALLY added season seven, so I may actually try to catch up. I don't know how that would work though.

That ending theme though. It's really getting to me. I mean, I haven't heard it in roughly seven months and I'm feeling really weird about it. I feel like I should be texting Vishal 24/7 and blogging about my broken heart. I feel like I should being doing French homework while waiting for Kellan to get on Facebook. I feel like I should be wearing flannel. I feel like there should be snow on the ground.

But none of those things are happening right now. I mean, I don't think Vishal would be particularly opposed to me texting him 24/7, but we just aren't like that anymore. I don't have a broken heart, so I can't blog about it. I will never have French homework ever again, and if I want to talk to Kellan I can just text him. Flannel weather is coming, but it's not here yet, and I really am not ready for snow.

I feel like a completely different person.

I still love Grey's Anatomy. But now I also like Glee. And Xena. And Supernatural (I admit it). It's weird how a sound can bring you back in time. I remember exactly how I felt. It's like muscle memory. However, I can't feel that way anymore. Meredith and Christina still manage to verbalize things that I am thinking, but I don't think it's in the same way. I happy now. I wasn't then. Not really. Yeah, things could be better. Yeah, I still have shit I have to take care of--but it will take care of itself eventually. I just have to let it. Stop meddling, you know?

As long as I keep living life like this, things will work out.

See, I am already looking back and seeing how foolish I was. Progress.

When, Not If

It's pretty funny. I'm doing everything "right". I'm working my ass off to graduate early. I'm taking pride in all of my classes. I am working hard to learn outside of my classes. I am taking life by the horns, so to speak--all the while knowing that the only thing I am racing to is unemployment. I mean, I know what I want to do, but despite all my best laid plans, odds are in favor of me living with my parents for years to come. Now, there is nothing wrong with that. I love my parents. But.

Ideally, it would be great if I could land an internship through impressing my WEM professor. However, even though I am doing perfectly fine in the class, I feel like I am floundering. I feel like I am brown-nosing more than impressing. I don't think that's what I am actually doing, but that's how I feel.

The next course of action would be to write something of consequence and get published. Once I finish something, I will get back to you on that.

This feeds into my plan of going to grad school. So...who knows if that will happen.

At this point, I refuse to teach. Those who can't do, teach. Well, I need to do.

So this leaves everything to chance. I don't particularly like that idea, but it seems to be my best bet. Having this all laid out in text is scary. I mean, I am well aware that my career choice is questionable at best, but seeing it is hard. The only reassurance I have is the fact that even though I am scared out of my mind, I feel in my heart of hearts, in my bones, in my soul, that this is, in fact, right.

When, not if. That type of thing.

Fighting this conviction is what got me down in the first place. You can't fight who you are and you can't fight what you are meant to do. One way or another, the truth will make itself known.

One could argue that this is an impractical way of thinking; that I am idealizing life. I tell you now, I am not. If I were, this fear would not exist. I would not second-guess myself as much as I am. I would not acknowledge how ridiculous I sound.

Everyone I know has done what was "practical" first. Sometimes that worked out and sometimes it didn't. I have to believe that they are happy. However, I am seeming to do the impractical first and that almost goes against every grain of my being. So, I am trying to be practical about being impractical and it is very strange. Maybe I will fall on my ass, but I am hoping that I land on my feet.