Taking a Break from Seattle Grace

Sometimes, you just have to forget about the fact that you are an adult and watch an overly dramatic anime series on Netflix. That is what I am doing tonight.

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The more I think about it, the more ridiculous I seem. I have to laugh, but that doesn't mean I'm not hurting. When it seems really bad, I just remember what you said. And I remember the promise I made.
I will do it for you.

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Snow, you need to go away.

Declaration

I called you today. It was a total failure, I know. I had a plan, but then you answered and that kinda went out the window. I was a crying, blubbering idiot, speaking only in sentence fragments. I am not finished, but I got the most important thing out. I hung up before I do more damage, cried more and went into a crying coma. (Nap post-crying.)

Then I woke up and realized I didn't make anything better. I called Elizabeth. I talked to her. I told her everything. It made me feel better, sure. But nothing can substitute for you.

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Apparently, my voice goes up an octave.

Whatever.

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Back to biding my time.

"If she leaves you, she's not worth it. That's exactly what Dannielle and Kristin would say, and you know it. Sometimes people aren't quite what you wish them to be/what you've built them up to be. Sometimes they can't handle quite as much as you'd like to think. Just do what you have to and pray for the best,

or you won't be able to live with yourself."

One of my best friends said this about me and you.

Can you believe it? Me, scared, paranoid, me. I'm supposed to put it all out there and just hope things work out. No plan, no guarantee. I can't hardly read it. But I do. And I know in my heart she is right.

Ma meilleure amie, Colleen, est compatissant, reflechi, tolerant, et drole.

Revelation

I can't look at my computer screen waiting to burst into tears anymore.

I can't do this anymore.

You are my best friend and I never told you that.

THE BLIZZARD: Day 3

Hello, blog. Yes, I am awake. No, you are correct, my roommates are not. I even went to bed after them (2ish). Coffee is nice though.

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I hate feet.

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I wonder if I'll have cancer at some point in my life. I know that's kind of a depressing thing to think about, but *mumblemumble* Grey's Anatomy *mumble*. I never really entertained the idea that I could get cancer. Okay, that's even worse, I'm nineteen, I shouldn't be thinking about this at all - I know. But bear with me here: I always thought "I'm crippled, that's bad enough, I won't get cancer." And that's all fine and dandy, except my being crippled isn't that bad. I've gotten botox twice and had one surgery. That's nothing in comparison to similar people. I mean, it's not like I want to be worse off, or I want to get cancer - it's just that I have been fooling myself way too long. I could get cancer. Bad things happen to really good people. Bad things happen to people who don't deserve it. Bad things just happen. Just because a bad thing happened to me in the beginning doesn't mean I am in the clear for the rest of my life. It was a weird realization, to be sure.

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THERE IS SO MUCH SNOW YOU GUYS.

#tundra

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I feel so much immense jealousy right now. I shouldn't. I just have to bide my time, right? Except that requires biding my time.

I will not fail you again.

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Corrections, 2:52 pm

I just got invited to Kellan's Welcome Home Party. I will meet his wife and his daughter. To be fair, I have already met his wife once, so that won't be too bad. Yes, I am going. To me, I am his old friend - I will suck it up and put this to bed. Besides, I am so proud of him. I can't ignore that. :)

You Are Here

I have this really great friend. His name is Vishal. He's messed up. But then again so am I. I helped him through a rough patch, so now he is helping me through a rough patch.

I have this other really great friend - In fact, she is my best friend. Her name is Colleen. She stresses out a lot. But then again so do I. I wrote some stupid things on this stupid blog and now she's not talking to me.

Vishal and Colleen - I think they are friends. They used to be really good friends. But then Vishal and his girlfriend broke up and before that they were fighting and Vishal took it out on Colleen. Colleen got really mad and stopped speaking to Vishal. I also got really mad and yelled at Vishal. Then Vishal skyped me with a Halloween mask on and I realized I couldn't just cut Vishal out of my life. Eventually, Colleen got past the fight she had with Vishal, so when Vishal was trying to make things right with his girlfriend, he tried venting to Colleen. It was really intense venting so Colleen freaked out and said I should talk to Vishal. So I did. And talked and talked and talked. And along the way, I stopped thinking about Colleen. I mean, I thought about her, but then I would talk to Vishal. Vishal got better - not perfect - but better. Then I tried to talk to Colleen, but she was hurt. Hurt that I could forget her, so it didn't go so well. I talked to Vishal more and hung out with him a few times, but I started to wonder about Colleen. Wonder so much, that I started to worry. And that made me blog some stupid things. And now I am here.

I have two really amazing friends. (Who am I kidding: All of my friends are amazing.)

THE BLIZZARD: Day 2

My roommates sleep too much. I went to bed the same time they did and got up at 9:30. It is now quarter after 11 and I really don't think they will be up anytime soon.

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It's literally been sleeting all day. The St. Charles area is supposed to get 12-18 inches of snow tonight. Oh my God. It's a horrible time to be craving pizza. I mean, do I want to send a poor delivery man to his death? No. But that doesn't mean I won't, if I get pizza, you know?

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As you can probably tell, I have been thinking a lot lately. It's one of the three things I do to occupy my time. The other two are playing video games and watching Grey's Anatomy.

I strive to do good. I strive to lead a decent life - to be that person everyone thinks I am. But, to take a page out of the Kingdom Hearts canon, there is darkness in my heart. I can't control it. I can't channel it, and sometimes it gets the best of me.

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When I was with you, I was the best me I could be. You literally brought out the best in me. Over time, I earned your trust and love, but now I have lost it. Maybe I am being overly dramatic about this; we weren't anything more than best friends. It's not like we were Vishal and Rachel. I know we (used to) joke that you are my Jedi apprentice and that you learned from me, but in all reality, it was the other way around. I learned from you. I learned what it was to have a best friend. I learned what it was to really love someone. I learned what it was to be good. Again, maybe I am being overly dramatic, but it doesn't feel that way. Maybe this will just blow over. To me, however, it's like the magnitude of all my mistakes is finally hitting me. I finally understand what happens when the darkness takes over.

"She loves you."

How many more people did I hurt?

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Grey's Anatomy season 5 is my life.

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How strange. A year ago, I was the happiest I had ever been.