THE BLIZZARD: Day 1

You really need to stop being a Katy Perry song. I felt like I was on a TV show this morning. Like...when is it going to blow up, you know?

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Today, THE BLIZZARD started. It was fine this morning, except all the ice just happen to be surrounding all the intersections. I get to French and less than ten people were there. Then it starts raining/icing. Then a Katy Perry song showed up. Then I tried to go to Grab-and-Go to get lunch, but realized it was covered in a sheet of ice, so I went back to the room and ate an apple instead. Then I emailed my Psych teacher and told her I couldn't physically make it to class. Then I ventured to band (my bass clarinet was being such a bitch).

Jen, Ash and I have decided that we are not leaving the room for the next forty eight hours. It's just not worth it.

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This will get better. I will not fail.

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Corrections, 8:35pm

I want to sit you down and tell you. I know all that I've done looks bad now. And it will still probably look bad when - I mean if - I get to explain. I am never ready for this moment. When it comes, it is always rushed. I am never able to play out my rehearsed conversations. This time is different though. I can't just stay quiet. And I have plenty of time to figure out how I am going to do this. Now, I need you to give me an opportunity.

Surprises, Cakes, Plaid Shirts

I try to think back farther, but I can't. For me, you started at that moment. You began existing at that moment. I mean, I know you were there before. I know you existed before. But none of that matters.

There is so much irony. So many coincidences. I know it's more than that now.

This would be easier if I were simply back at square one, but I am back at square negative seven. It's simply ridiculous, but I'll do it.

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So...you serenaded me. You were joking around. That's all.

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Poor, poor Dr. Hahn. DENIED.

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I've got to see you.

Conversations With A Brick Wall

I was finally able to process everything today. That's because I was finally able to get to my guitar. New song about you. That brings your total up to...three. Is that weird? I just think you should know.

You probably don't read this anymore. I think you should. You should go back in time to 2010. February, March, April. Those are great months.

I can't believe I am urging you to analyze my words. That is so crazy. But I really think it's the only thing I can do at this point. It might do more damage than good, but at least you would know.

There are parts of me I am afraid of - those are the only parts you don't know.

I wonder: Does your mother dislike me now, as well? Hmm.

Yeah, you accepted my apology, but you didn't believe me.

Why am I writing this? It's all so pointless now. It's like in Revenge of the Sith when Anakin has that dream about Padme and he does all this stuff in the hopes of preventing it, only to actually cause it. I did this all myself. It's over and done with.

(This sounds so depressing. That's because it is. I mean, I'll make it. Things will get better, but they won't ever be good.)

Hindsight Being 20/20

I know my efforts are futile now. But I really can't help it. Colleen accepted my apology (I don't deserve that), and I felt better for about two seconds. Then the hole for a heart returned. I would say that I need to see her, but I doubt she wants to see me. Honestly, I don't even know what I would do if she would see me. Probably just break down.

I miss her. I always miss her.

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Now that I am beginning season 5 of Grey's Anatomy, I must say that Dr. Hahn is my favorite. She is such a bad ass. Dr. Torres is pretty BA too.

Of all the things you could have read. You could have picked any other post. I've written poems about how much I love you, how much I need you, and you decided to read that. To only see that.

Yes, it was rude. I will admit that. It was a moment of weakness you were never meant to see. You won't believe me, I know. I should have just told you, if only I could tell you.

I thought I was doing what was best. But if I had just told you, been truthful from the start, you would never even consider what you think now. I was just trying to have a normal friendship for once in my life and this is what it gets me: A grave misunderstanding and a broken heart.

Just give me a half hour. Then you would understand. You might even laugh afterwards. That would be beautiful.

Heartbreak

That's what this is. I thought I knew what I felt like, but now I know I was wrong. This is heartbreak.

You read this, Colleen? You think you know how I feel about you? You don't. You have no idea.

God, if you read--I mean, REALLY READ--this blog you would know that I consider you to be an absolute miracle in my life. Meeting you and you accepting me can only be described as miraculous.

My hands are shaking, my breath is uneven, it feel like's my heart is racing and stopped at the same time, my throat is tight, my stomach is gone.

The idea of you hating me, of me making you cry, is making me want to vomit.

I love you more than you could ever fathom, and the fact that you think any less--it's the worst thing I have ever felt.

A Problem

My French homework asked me to describe my best friend.

Too bad I don't have one anymore.