Every once and a while, I remember that I finished my senior yearbook and that I am finished with Yearbook. I was editor-in-chief of a successful yearbook. Since I was a sophomore, I wanted that. It's strange for it to be in the past tense. I suppose I should have relished in the feeling.
But that's just it! I didn't really feel anything except that it was "right". Things were as they were supposed to be. Now that the journey has run its course, I need to figure out how things are supposed to be next.
---
Tomorrow I get to see Colleen (and possibly Rachel). It will be a good day. Oh...and there's Eclipse....pfft. :)
---
Fanboys is a good only if you are a fan of Star Wars. Therefore, I adored it.
---
WHOOOOOOOOO COLLEGE YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I really want it to start. Summer is boring when you don't have a license. (Although, that will be changing in a few weeks!) I really want to start my classes and meet new people and have new objectives....
...all the while, keeping a firm hold on what I have here.
It, as a whole, is impossible. However, I am going to see how much I can actuate.
---
Hey, are you lonely?
Has summer gone so slowly?
We found the ground
And that damage was done
It's cold as you fade into the sun
Where'd you go? To me.
But you're alive!
Well, it's only
Fallen frames, they told me
You stand out, it's so loud
And so what if it is?
It's cold as you face into the wind
Where to go?
(Tonight a sun shall see its light)
So what if you catch me,
Where would we land?
In somebody's life
For taking his hands
Sing to me hope as she's
Thrown on the sand
All of our work
Is rated again
Where to go?
And you were somehow
The rain this thing could allow
I tried
But it's all wrong
You're so strong
And this life and work
And choice took far too long
Where to go?
(Tonight a sun shall see its light)
So what if you catch me,
Where would we land?
In somebody's life
For taking his hands
Sing to me hope as she's
Thrown on the sand
All of our work(worth)
Is rated again
And I was sure you'd follow through
The world was turned to blue(so fair)
When you'd hide your songs would die
So I'd hide yours with mine
All my words were bound to fail
But I know you won't fail
See, I can tell...
Fair by Remy Zero
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Monday, June 28, 2010
I Am The Means
"Falling down is so much easier now that you are there too catch me."
That just popped into my head. I don't know what it is. I doubt it's true. Who am I talking to? A significant other? No way. God? Doubtful. I know God is there, but we don't have that kind of relationship. So. Who is this being of my subconscious? I'd love to know.
"So what if I'm a puppet? Once upon at time...You were too!"
This is a movie quote that often pops in my head. Perhaps because I identify with it. I feel as though I am a puppet. A puppet of my own subconscious, undeniable, instinctual ulterior motives. I tell myself not to manipulate those I love, but then--undoubtedly--at some point I realize that I did, just so I could get to the position I am enjoying. I discussed this with a friend and told her I was dirty because of it. She said that wasn't true, but if I truly felt that way then I should change. I said it was impossible because I have tried and failed many times. I told her it was a reflex. What I should have told her was that I couldn't change because I wasn't in control.
Because I am a puppet.
To what end?
---
Kellan's graduation (from high school and basic training) party is next Saturday. I am debating if I would rather go and grin and bear it or not go and grin and bear it. Either way I am not comfortable, but which is more bearable?
---
Dear College Life,
I know everyone says that high school years are the best years of one's life, but that's only because not everyone goes to college, right. College years are really the best years of one's life, right? Well, could you please provide a more answers to questions ratio than high school did? Okay thanks.
Sincerely,
Natalie
---
I'm going to go read some Star Wars books now.
That just popped into my head. I don't know what it is. I doubt it's true. Who am I talking to? A significant other? No way. God? Doubtful. I know God is there, but we don't have that kind of relationship. So. Who is this being of my subconscious? I'd love to know.
"So what if I'm a puppet? Once upon at time...You were too!"
This is a movie quote that often pops in my head. Perhaps because I identify with it. I feel as though I am a puppet. A puppet of my own subconscious, undeniable, instinctual ulterior motives. I tell myself not to manipulate those I love, but then--undoubtedly--at some point I realize that I did, just so I could get to the position I am enjoying. I discussed this with a friend and told her I was dirty because of it. She said that wasn't true, but if I truly felt that way then I should change. I said it was impossible because I have tried and failed many times. I told her it was a reflex. What I should have told her was that I couldn't change because I wasn't in control.
Because I am a puppet.
To what end?
---
Kellan's graduation (from high school and basic training) party is next Saturday. I am debating if I would rather go and grin and bear it or not go and grin and bear it. Either way I am not comfortable, but which is more bearable?
---
Dear College Life,
I know everyone says that high school years are the best years of one's life, but that's only because not everyone goes to college, right. College years are really the best years of one's life, right? Well, could you please provide a more answers to questions ratio than high school did? Okay thanks.
Sincerely,
Natalie
---
I'm going to go read some Star Wars books now.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
My Back Is Redder Than Texas!
God, it hurts. My only consolation is that it will fade into a tan soon. That's how my skin works--it burns me, hurts like hell, and then looks really nice. Basically, anyway.
---
I'm going to start reading a Star Wars novel. I know, I know, where is the literary merit for that? Hub would be ashamed. However, the last two books I read were about teenage girls who went to a special school for spies (NEXT ONE COMES OUT IN A WEEK! WOOT!) and I found them to be very entertaining. I am also still in the middle of rereading Wicked (in preparation for seeing the show soon!), but I have put the 98' Pulitizer prize winner and rereading Moby-Dick on the shelf indefinitely. I think I just want to be entertained for awhile.
---
Dragons.....why?
---
It's strange. I've suddenly found myself all too eager for college. I want to learn and summer is inhibiting that. There is no doubt in my mind that I will see Colleen and Rachel semi-weekly, at least, which means I will see Matt around that much as well. Sadly, I care little for anyone else. I mean, I care about them, and it will be sad to not see them, but I can manage--I think.
---
I'm going to start reading a Star Wars novel. I know, I know, where is the literary merit for that? Hub would be ashamed. However, the last two books I read were about teenage girls who went to a special school for spies (NEXT ONE COMES OUT IN A WEEK! WOOT!) and I found them to be very entertaining. I am also still in the middle of rereading Wicked (in preparation for seeing the show soon!), but I have put the 98' Pulitizer prize winner and rereading Moby-Dick on the shelf indefinitely. I think I just want to be entertained for awhile.
---
Dragons.....why?
---
It's strange. I've suddenly found myself all too eager for college. I want to learn and summer is inhibiting that. There is no doubt in my mind that I will see Colleen and Rachel semi-weekly, at least, which means I will see Matt around that much as well. Sadly, I care little for anyone else. I mean, I care about them, and it will be sad to not see them, but I can manage--I think.
Monday, June 21, 2010
A Father Oriented Day
Yesterday was Father's Day. Most of what I will remember about that day has to do with my father. It was not a holiday.
----
I haven't really felt good--really, truly good--in awhile. Perhaps that will change soon. Perhaps Colleen will kidnap me and I can play the part of GIRL WHO HAS IT ALL FIGURED OUT really well again. I would settled with being cast as GIRL WHO IS CONTENT WITH HER SOCIAL SITUATION though.
----
Damn it, Brett Hodge.
----
I haven't really felt good--really, truly good--in awhile. Perhaps that will change soon. Perhaps Colleen will kidnap me and I can play the part of GIRL WHO HAS IT ALL FIGURED OUT really well again. I would settled with being cast as GIRL WHO IS CONTENT WITH HER SOCIAL SITUATION though.
----
Damn it, Brett Hodge.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
You Said I Was the Vampire. I Think Not.
I asked my friends today if I am one to blush. They said no. For that, I am thankful.
You say these things and you are just trying to be funny, but then people who know make it worse. So it snowballs, and before you know it I am so painfully aware of how I feel about you that I just can't look at you. Of course, I can do nothing else but look at you. Another sucker punch.
My biggest fear is you finding out, but really I just hope that you secretly know, so regardless of what I do, I really am safe.
I've started to talk to God about the reincarnation program - I think I'm a candidate. However, I'm not sure if I would see you the same through different eyes. Is it only here that I am allowed to actually see you? If I were anyone else, would you be plain? Is that the blessing in this curse?
I may never know such answers.
So I will untie that knot
To hear you speak those words
While half my heart swoons
And the other half rots
I'll push all of your buttons
And pray you don't connect the dots
You say these things and you are just trying to be funny, but then people who know make it worse. So it snowballs, and before you know it I am so painfully aware of how I feel about you that I just can't look at you. Of course, I can do nothing else but look at you. Another sucker punch.
My biggest fear is you finding out, but really I just hope that you secretly know, so regardless of what I do, I really am safe.
I've started to talk to God about the reincarnation program - I think I'm a candidate. However, I'm not sure if I would see you the same through different eyes. Is it only here that I am allowed to actually see you? If I were anyone else, would you be plain? Is that the blessing in this curse?
I may never know such answers.
So I will untie that knot
To hear you speak those words
While half my heart swoons
And the other half rots
I'll push all of your buttons
And pray you don't connect the dots
Saturday, June 12, 2010
I Like This Almost As Much As I Like You
So, I want you to watch this video twice. The first time, listen to the lyrics and music. The second time, laugh at the visuals if need be. Haha!
That is all!
That is all!
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
I Blogged Yesterday...and I'm Blogging...Again?
Look at me, blogging regularly! Can you believe it?!
---
I had people over last night for a movie night. Me, Jen, Rachel, Colleen, and Matt. Matt brought The Hangover. It was pretty funny--crude, lewd, and rude, but funny. I've known Matt for fifteen years of my life and last night was the first time he had ever been to my house. It's crazy! I really do love that guy, so much more than any of the other guys. As stupid as he is, he is never retarded like Vishal or Brett. That's definitely a plus. Haha!
By 10:30, Rachel and Jen had left. So it was just me, Colleen, and Matt. It started to storm, so Colleen opted to wait it out before she when home. They were here until 12:30 when Colleen decided just to go home. You would think that those two hours alone with them would be awkward--third wheel, three's a crowd and all that crap--but it wasn't. It actually was the favorite part of the night because I could see us doing the exact same thing ten years from now. I don't know if I could say that about anybody else. It was weird, but I loved it. Now, if only I had a guy so we could double......hahaha......come on Psychology of Religion! HAHAHAHA!!!
---
I want to be a band again.
---
This was a good move.
Not all that detrimental.
Safe enough.
And look at what I've found.
Happiness.
---
I had people over last night for a movie night. Me, Jen, Rachel, Colleen, and Matt. Matt brought The Hangover. It was pretty funny--crude, lewd, and rude, but funny. I've known Matt for fifteen years of my life and last night was the first time he had ever been to my house. It's crazy! I really do love that guy, so much more than any of the other guys. As stupid as he is, he is never retarded like Vishal or Brett. That's definitely a plus. Haha!
By 10:30, Rachel and Jen had left. So it was just me, Colleen, and Matt. It started to storm, so Colleen opted to wait it out before she when home. They were here until 12:30 when Colleen decided just to go home. You would think that those two hours alone with them would be awkward--third wheel, three's a crowd and all that crap--but it wasn't. It actually was the favorite part of the night because I could see us doing the exact same thing ten years from now. I don't know if I could say that about anybody else. It was weird, but I loved it. Now, if only I had a guy so we could double......hahaha......come on Psychology of Religion! HAHAHAHA!!!
---
I want to be a band again.
---
This was a good move.
Not all that detrimental.
Safe enough.
And look at what I've found.
Happiness.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Broken Mess by The Classic Crime
Love is a terrible art.
It's a hook in the heart
That can drag you through broken glass
And as you protest
The shards in your flesh
The hook tears our your chest
Until you're just a broken mess
Love is a beautiful thing
She can make your heart sing
When you're walking on broken glass
She will open your eyes
Make your heart feel alive
Point you towards the sunlight
Help you leave all this broken mess behind
---
Now the whole song doesn't apply, but the above lines do. Love most definitely is a double-edged sword. It can destroy you, but it can also build you back up. Sometimes it comes in the form of two people. One person you love destroys you and soon another comes along and saves you from yourself. However, I find that doesn't need a person. It just needs a memory a dream. And as that figment of your being torments you, eventually, in order to survive, miraculously you find something within you to love even more. And then you pull through, stronger with renewed faith in yourself. It's not like what you loved before wasn't right, it's just that what you love now is stronger and worth it.
---
Reset.
Always what is best for you.
As much as want,
In the end,
It's what's best for me too.
It's a hook in the heart
That can drag you through broken glass
And as you protest
The shards in your flesh
The hook tears our your chest
Until you're just a broken mess
Love is a beautiful thing
She can make your heart sing
When you're walking on broken glass
She will open your eyes
Make your heart feel alive
Point you towards the sunlight
Help you leave all this broken mess behind
---
Now the whole song doesn't apply, but the above lines do. Love most definitely is a double-edged sword. It can destroy you, but it can also build you back up. Sometimes it comes in the form of two people. One person you love destroys you and soon another comes along and saves you from yourself. However, I find that doesn't need a person. It just needs a memory a dream. And as that figment of your being torments you, eventually, in order to survive, miraculously you find something within you to love even more. And then you pull through, stronger with renewed faith in yourself. It's not like what you loved before wasn't right, it's just that what you love now is stronger and worth it.
---
Reset.
Always what is best for you.
As much as want,
In the end,
It's what's best for me too.
Sunday, June 6, 2010
I Don't Know Whether to Consider This Day Wasted or Not
I spent the entire day on the computer researching laptops. It's just plain ridiculous. It's pretty much come down to Sony or Toshiba, which is then decided by customer service. Sony already has a reputation of being...uppity, but Toshiba is no saint either. I spent several hours reading horror stories from both brands and it's not like Toshiba had any less than Sony.
I mean, it's not like I expect to have any huge problems that I won't be able to fix myself if need be, but....a reliable no lemon policy would be nice and it seems that it just doesn't exist anymore. Ah well.
I guess it just seems a little more stressful today because I also completed my Master Promissory Note for Lindenwood's financial aid office which pretty much says that once I have taken out a student loan the Department of Education owns my soul.
Jeezuz.
---
So, yesterday I went to two graduation parties. I had a good time. (I have to say that now because when I continue, it's going to sound like I didn't.) However, I witnessed the consequences of my actions.
I have been a big supporter of the whole Rachel and Vishal thing. This is because, I figured they have to at least get together, date, and break up so they know what it would have been like.
I also was a huge help to Matt in his pursuit of Colleen. That doesn't sound right, but I don't know how else to explain it.
So now Rachel and Colleen (best friends) have boy friends Vishal and Matt (best friends) respectively. It's a unbreakable unit of four that is totally content with just being with themselves. It's a monster. I've created (or helped anyway) a monster.
---
I've just been informed that Punch had to be put down. I feel awful. I feel so bad for Karlee. Words fail me.
I mean, it's not like I expect to have any huge problems that I won't be able to fix myself if need be, but....a reliable no lemon policy would be nice and it seems that it just doesn't exist anymore. Ah well.
I guess it just seems a little more stressful today because I also completed my Master Promissory Note for Lindenwood's financial aid office which pretty much says that once I have taken out a student loan the Department of Education owns my soul.
Jeezuz.
---
So, yesterday I went to two graduation parties. I had a good time. (I have to say that now because when I continue, it's going to sound like I didn't.) However, I witnessed the consequences of my actions.
I have been a big supporter of the whole Rachel and Vishal thing. This is because, I figured they have to at least get together, date, and break up so they know what it would have been like.
I also was a huge help to Matt in his pursuit of Colleen. That doesn't sound right, but I don't know how else to explain it.
So now Rachel and Colleen (best friends) have boy friends Vishal and Matt (best friends) respectively. It's a unbreakable unit of four that is totally content with just being with themselves. It's a monster. I've created (or helped anyway) a monster.
---
I've just been informed that Punch had to be put down. I feel awful. I feel so bad for Karlee. Words fail me.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Life Post High School
is....not that different. Well, it wasn't. Like I said earlier, I was back every day for Yearbook. It was fantastic. But then I had to leave for Disney World. I have been gone for a week and a half. I want to get back to Yearbook so badly. I mean, it's not like I didn't enjoy my time at the Disney World Resort--I had a great time--but it was so disruptive to Yearbook, which pretty much equals my life.
---
To go back to Disney World for a second: I had a great time, I just wish we could have had some down time.
---
Anyway back to the big picture of life after high school.
Well, it's strange, because I keep waiting to have to go back to school. You know, like this whole thing is an extended weekend and on some Monday (or knowing our district, a Thursday) I'll have to return to my senior schedule. I suppose this feeling will subside once I actually start college, but that concept is so abstract to me right now that it doesn't actually make me feel any better. I want to go back to school, in all honesty. Just not full time. Haha.
I do enjoy the absolute freedom and flexibility when it comes to being with my friends. Really, my second Family. To put this in perspective, the premise of the hit sitcom Friends may seem unrealistic, but because of my friends, I know it's not. We are the Friends in real life.
This, however, is underscored by the fact that I have not been home in a week and a half. I miss them terribly. It makes me realize how hard college is going to be on all of us. But I'm motivated by them. I know it's worth it. :)
One thing I don't like about graduating is the fact that everyone tells me "Congratulations!"
Congratulations on what? Was there ever any question in my graduating? Congratulations on doing what has now become expected? I mean, I know it used to be a huge accomplishment and a high school diploma used to be the key to success, but now it just means that you can go to college which is now the key to success (in most cases). It just grinds my gears! lol
In preparation for college, I have begun to reread Wicked and Moby-Dick and I am working on the 1998 Pulitzer Prize Finalist, A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius. I have also begun to nurse a fledgling interest in sports since Lindenwood is such a sports-intensive school. I am watching College Softball right now, in fact.
---
This place used to be
It
The Place
Utopia
But I am not sure
Whether I changed too much
And noticed too much
Or whether it changed too much
Simply due to being stagnant
Either way
I feel guilt.
---
I get it now--why you didn't stay around. Why, regardless of what I did, I couldn't keep you in my life. And even after I cried and prayed and cried and prayed, you didn't return. It's because you wouldn't fit in my Family. It would have been me jumping through hoops to keep both You and Them happy. I would have said it was worth it, but I don't know if it really would have been. Eventually, I would have had to choose between You and Them--a decision I don't know that I could make without losing both. God knew that made the choice for me. And as much as I loved you, I thank Him for that.
---
To go back to Disney World for a second: I had a great time, I just wish we could have had some down time.
---
Anyway back to the big picture of life after high school.
Well, it's strange, because I keep waiting to have to go back to school. You know, like this whole thing is an extended weekend and on some Monday (or knowing our district, a Thursday) I'll have to return to my senior schedule. I suppose this feeling will subside once I actually start college, but that concept is so abstract to me right now that it doesn't actually make me feel any better. I want to go back to school, in all honesty. Just not full time. Haha.
I do enjoy the absolute freedom and flexibility when it comes to being with my friends. Really, my second Family. To put this in perspective, the premise of the hit sitcom Friends may seem unrealistic, but because of my friends, I know it's not. We are the Friends in real life.
This, however, is underscored by the fact that I have not been home in a week and a half. I miss them terribly. It makes me realize how hard college is going to be on all of us. But I'm motivated by them. I know it's worth it. :)
One thing I don't like about graduating is the fact that everyone tells me "Congratulations!"
Congratulations on what? Was there ever any question in my graduating? Congratulations on doing what has now become expected? I mean, I know it used to be a huge accomplishment and a high school diploma used to be the key to success, but now it just means that you can go to college which is now the key to success (in most cases). It just grinds my gears! lol
In preparation for college, I have begun to reread Wicked and Moby-Dick and I am working on the 1998 Pulitzer Prize Finalist, A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius. I have also begun to nurse a fledgling interest in sports since Lindenwood is such a sports-intensive school. I am watching College Softball right now, in fact.
---
This place used to be
It
The Place
Utopia
But I am not sure
Whether I changed too much
And noticed too much
Or whether it changed too much
Simply due to being stagnant
Either way
I feel guilt.
---
I get it now--why you didn't stay around. Why, regardless of what I did, I couldn't keep you in my life. And even after I cried and prayed and cried and prayed, you didn't return. It's because you wouldn't fit in my Family. It would have been me jumping through hoops to keep both You and Them happy. I would have said it was worth it, but I don't know if it really would have been. Eventually, I would have had to choose between You and Them--a decision I don't know that I could make without losing both. God knew that made the choice for me. And as much as I loved you, I thank Him for that.
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