Intermission

I am a firm believer in duality.

Therefore, several years from now, I will have to go there, walk up those steps, knock on that door--all the while reminding myself to breathe because fainting or gasping are not socially acceptable.

Therefore, while I wait for you to answer, I'll fiddle with the symbol, and then you'll answer, but you won't notice.

Therefore, you'll look at me suspiciously wondering how I knew you would be there, and I'll try to smile as I hand you something you should have picked out for me.

Therefore, when you comprehend what I say, you will breathe out the expected response, but you won't be able to hide the tone of astonishment and disappointment.

Therefore, I'll explain a little of what you missed, I will pause to look at you, and I will fight not to cry as I say goodbye.

Therefore, I will have to turn around, I will have to walk down those steps, and I will have to drive away--all the while reminding myself that I knew this long ago.

So I'm Pretty Sure

That I totally botched up my Shakespeare Paper.

Glover has really specific criteria for sources that I didn't realize until now. But he has to realize, there was NO literature on my topic. NONE. Hopefully, he doesn't pay that much attention to where I got my information.........but he probably will.

I am running into the same problem with my Chaucer paper. This is stupid. Just plain stupid. A source is a source and that is that. Except, apparently not.

---

Today was a good decision.

When Something Doesn't Make Sense

It's generally because the other half of it is hidden from view. Of course, you have no way of knowing this at the time and/or initial viewing. In any case, the only course of action is to wait and see if something comes into focus.

When that happens...a strange feeling that isn't quite satisfaction and isn't quite accomplishment washes over you.

---

All my life, I would have said that I knew you well.

Now, however, I am realizing that I do not.

Hello, my name is Natalie.

Will you let me be a part of your life?

I Decided To Use These Things Called "Paper" and "Pencil"

Somehow I found that a lot more satisfying. I mean, it may or may not be related to the fact that I didn't have internet access until late this morning, but I still think it was better.

Probably because I had to do it in my own handwriting. Ask anyone, it's pretty distinctive.

While I was actually writing it all out, committing it to the concrete paper format, I listened to every song that I had anything to do with it (because there was a soundtrack to it all) until my nose and eyes burned.

I'm not going to say that I let it all go. That is a skill I don't possess. And, ironically, that inadequacy is what healed me. Somehow, writing it out changed everything from "haunting" to...just memories. Good, powerful, important memories--but still just memories.

I have come to terms with my error and with its (however unproportional I consider them to be) repercussions. More importantly, I have come to terms with what this all means for me. I tell everyone to "own it"--to own your flaws and mistakes, and not to hide behind them. Now, this is my time to own it.

See...this just sounds like me whining again.

I suppose it always will.

But, I tell you all, this is different; I am different.

Typing, Typing, Typing

Sometimes blogs aren't enough.

Sometimes you just want to scream.

But then something else happens, and nothing else matters.

Jesus surmounted death, I can certainly surmount this.

Happy Easter

Running Out of Patience

I did a lot of thinking today.

I get shock, I get anger, I get confusion, I get frustration.

But I do not get how ANYONE could just stop caring.

It's really ironic that this is a principle conundrum in both situations currently occupying my life.

I also decided that...

I don't know. I am just lifting myself free of this burden.

You'll learn soon enough.

But you will grow to regret this because I will not forget this.

Sometimes things are just meant to be.

And sometimes they aren't.

Duality is the shit, you guys.

Despite What the Quote of the Day Says

People are not meant to stand alone. It's just not right. I think there is a movie with Hugh Grant and he says he is an island, or something like that. Well, that is bullshit. If anyone is an island, it is because they are A) Scared or B) Not that way by choice. Everyone is social. Everyone needs someone that they can go to and count on. And this someone can't just be anyone. It has to be someone who doesn't have to be there. Who could leave at anytime, but chooses to spend time with you. I often played this part.

In my head, I called myself a band-aid friend. I was created to be there for people when they needed someone, to get them through shit. And when the job is done, they rip me off. It happened all the time. And I was find with it because there was always someone else who needed a band-aid.

Well, now I need a band-aid.

Actually

There is no fucking point. How silly of me to believe that there was.

I would burn our history book if we had one.

I would demolish our heroic monument.

We are not something the world needs to remember

And the Lord knows, you just want to forget.

---

I am so done today. So freaking thankful that I don't have French tomorrow and that my research paper got moved back.

Decisions

Where You Are Concerned:

I'd rather shake hands and have you hold this over my head than go on with never speaking to you again.

But

Where You Are Concerned:

If it's what you want, I will cut it off. We can stop. I will stop pretending because I am better at it than you anyway.

---

Five months.

---

Should I call, should I write?

Do you wonder at night

If I'll ever try to fix this again?

Are you confused? Do you refuse

To let it all loose?

Does it alarm you that I have done what you asked?

To tell you the truth,

It alarms me too.

But now I'm tired,

And I want to pick this up again.

I Do Not Understand. Only You Understand.

"You called and You shouted, broke through my deafness. Now I'm breathing in and breathing out. I'm alive again. You shattered my darkness, washed away my blindness. Now I'm breathing in and breathing out. I'm alive again."

It hurts to hear this song and not see you beside me; smiling and laughing and full of joy.

It hurts to hear this song and remember how safe I felt; how overwhelmed with love and a sense of purpose I was. Everything made sense. Everything fit. I had all of Your power and might behind me. I didn't need to worry anymore because You had a task for me, and supplied me with everything and everyone I needed.

I don't know how I lost that feeling of safety. I don't know where it all went. Somehow, between then and now, I have lost everything. And that doesn't make sense.

I have only grown to love and need You more. Why must I start again? You are testing me again. Testing to see if I will rise to Your challenge. I will, that is not a question, but why must it hurt so much? I suppose I thought I knew pain, and now You are showing me what pain really is--what being alone really means.

I am Yours. Imbue me with Your purpose. Make me Your instrument.

But please, all I ask is that I don't do this alone. Give me some of it back. I know I don't deserve to ask anything of You, and I certainly don't deserve to have any of it back, but I can hardly take this anymore. I blindly put one foot in front of the other for You--please, shed some Light.

The World Is All Crazy Backwards

Or maybe it's forwards.

I dunno.

I'm going to go ahead and adopt my mom's policy of "Screw 'Em" for this situation. I'm willing to work with you guys here, but I think you just like a reason to be mad at me so....meh.

I had another weird dream. Hmm. I think I'll be fine. :)

YOU ROCK THAT BLUE SWEATER.

Hey There!

I just want to share some really great music with you all. Please check out (in no particular order):

Allison Weiss

Lauren Zettler

Jenny Owen Youngs

Field Mouse

Ingrid Michaelson

Bess Rogers

Lelia Broussard

The Age of Rockets

These are all artists/bands I have only recently become acquainted with and I have fallen head over heals for all of them! A lot of them offer free music downloads, so definitely take advantage of that!

The best part about all of these is that they are putting out music they want to put out for the most part completely independently. Bess Rogers, for example, is funding her next album release by FAN DONATION ALONE. She needs $15,000 and she's already gotten over $10,000. Does that not excite anyone else?

Sure these people (for the most part) aren't household names, they aren't headlining, but they are doing what they love. They are happy.

It's just so freaking inspiring. If I end up half as satisfied as any of them, I will consider it a blessing.

You Know What?

I feel amazing. Today is amazing. I'm pretty sure this week is going to be amazing and I really don't know why since nothing really has changed in my life. I woke up this morning and even though I was freezing and tired because I stayed up too late, I really felt good. And even though as I was opening my new coffee the coffee grounds exploded out on me and the sink, I still felt good. I got to Chaucer, and even though that annoying girl kept talking, I still made some pretty good points. And I got an 84 on my test!!!!!! French was French, which is always enjoyable and here I am now eating my lunch and getting ready for band. Ashley got in a car wreck, but she is fine and all the damage is to her car's bumper and it was the other guy's fault, so that's not so bad. I still feel great.

Wow, that was just a block of horribly written text. Way to be, English Major.

You know what, whatever.

Did you know that getting a MASTER'S at Columbia College Chicago is HALF the price (including housing) of getting a BA (not including housing)? I didn't either, at least not until recently. I am excited!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You know what else? I would be more than capable of completing that degree with my BA in English. I just have to build a portfolio....haha....

BUT STILL!

Life, you are going to be awesome, whether you want to be or not.

Also, I do not stand alone--Jesus is with me. :)