Tuesday, April 26, 2011

I Decided To Use These Things Called "Paper" and "Pencil"

Somehow I found that a lot more satisfying. I mean, it may or may not be related to the fact that I didn't have internet access until late this morning, but I still think it was better.

Probably because I had to do it in my own handwriting. Ask anyone, it's pretty distinctive.

While I was actually writing it all out, committing it to the concrete paper format, I listened to every song that I had anything to do with it (because there was a soundtrack to it all) until my nose and eyes burned.

I'm not going to say that I let it all go. That is a skill I don't possess. And, ironically, that inadequacy is what healed me. Somehow, writing it out changed everything from "haunting" to...just memories. Good, powerful, important memories--but still just memories.

I have come to terms with my error and with its (however unproportional I consider them to be) repercussions. More importantly, I have come to terms with what this all means for me. I tell everyone to "own it"--to own your flaws and mistakes, and not to hide behind them. Now, this is my time to own it.

See...this just sounds like me whining again.
I suppose it always will.
But, I tell you all, this is different; I am different.

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