TODAY HAS BEEN AMAZING

And it's only 11:15!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Break Down:

102% on my Criminology Test (I would have set the curve, but my grade was too high apparently)

I have a B in French, so I could possibly have an A by the end of term!

...

I have band! WHOOHOO!!!!

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I may regret writing this later, but people are like Pokemon cards to me. I just trade around until I get Charizard (you).

Rather Depressing

Has you iPod (when put on shuffle) every brought you to tears?

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I have often thought that this would all work out in the end. That I was just biding my time until you came to my doorstep, apologized, took me by the hand to you car and we would drive until we ended up where we were supposed to be--all the while, telling me that I was right all along.

But that time never came, and I know now it will never come.

I know it's immature and irrational to hold onto something like this for so long, but when you made it seem like a matter of time anyway, how could I not?

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And here it starts

The era after

The era without

Your absence will not go without notice

But it will make little difference.

Transition the heart

Make the switch

From nothing to hurt

To nothing but nerves

At least it's something new.

And here it starts.

Waiting is So Much Harder Than Doing

I know you are probably tired of seeing me stare sad and defeated at my computer screen, but I can't help it. I am so down about this, yet so excited at the same time that I don't know what to do. You know I hate being stagnant like this.

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I am going to get there.

One day, I will.

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Correction: 5:18p.m.

Okay, so it's pretty much common knowledge that I am a creeper.

And I stumbled upon....the competition, so to speak.

Yeah...psychopath.

I mean, you see that?

Right?

Purpose Defeated

I wish I could stop caring and just say what I feel. I mean, isn't that what a blog is for? BUT NO. I have to censor everything and talk in code and use unspecific pronouns.

I say I'm ready to face it, but I'm not. It's funny because even when I feel like I am getting somewhere with this, I make myself remember that I won't be finished working until I--[fill in the blank]. And I am not ready to face that. To face them. Everything is tense now as it is, I don't need to add to it.

The worst part is that I can't focus on anything else. At least I know that I have time.

What does it feel like to actually get what you want?

You Can't Always Progress

I'm not going to lie--I am disappointed about how today went. It was just a blah day. And I didn't progress at all. But really, today was more of a regroup day. I see that now. I got to talk it out with you, and that was probably the most therapeutic thing I've done in months. We have an understanding. And that is more than I ever expected.

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It's like this: I haven't really let go. I don't thing I ever will. I will always look at you and wonder what it would have been like. You are the embodiment of my regret.

I hate regret. It is the one thing I cannot stand. So I have guarded myself against it. The only way to guard oneself against regret, however, is to shut down--and that's what I have done up until this point. I didn't feel a thing for anyone like I felt for you.

But now that has all changed. Because, like when I met you, it was immediate. A fully formed and uncompromising feeling. With you, the circumstances didn't matter, and that is how it is again. I now find myself fighting to remember how I dealt with it.

Yes, day by day, I scrape every last paint chip off--but only to apply a different color.

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Okay, I got chills when you asked me that. I'm serious.

And I Had a Feeling That I Belonged

Today was a good day.

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I got up this morning around 9:30, cleaned the coffee pot and made (awesome) coffee. Then I decide to subject the bathroom to the best cleaning I could give it with the supplies and knowledge I had at my disposal. By 11:30, the bathroom was clean enough so I could take a shower. After that, I went to brunch. I ate with Kim and some people from band. It was a good time. Then I got back and resumed cleaning. (The German blood was pumping.)

By the time Ash and Jen came back (they had left yesterday afternoon), I had cleaned the ENTIRE bathroom, re-organized the main dresser, did ALL the dishes, and picked up the random trash around the room.

I was very pleased. I will not let my efforts reverse themselves.

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Fast-forward about two hours.

It's the game time. Lindenwood dominated, as per usual, therefore, the actually game is rather pointless. We one 50-something to 9. Yeah....

BUT the game duration was quite fun.

Up until today, the game set up consisted of the pit sitting in front of the drumline and, consequently, going deaf. Today, when we got to the stands, we decide to sit higher up so that wouldn't happen. Once we got situated, we had about a half hour to kill before the rest of the band would return to the stands and we would be trapped until the end of the game. We decided to get food.

Well, when the rest of the band joined us in the stands, they didn't like where we were sitting and we were forced to move down. Now, despite the fact that I would no longer be sitting by Kim and Ash AND that I had to climb down the bleacher stairs WITHOUT the use of a handrail, this was still a good thing. The drumline was in front of us, so our ears were safe, and I was now sitting by Megan and Amanda (funniest pair of people ever). I was thoroughly entertained for the evening.

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After the game, Ash, Jen, and Jen's family (who attended the game as well) went to LU's rootbeer kegger. Basically, it was a block party with rootbeer as the main beverage. I bought I shirt because I made the guy get dig around for it and I thought they were free and they are cool, but it was five dollars. Still, no big. I like the shirt.

There was a band there, and it's pretty funny because Jen's dad is a sound guy for bands so he is always making the weirdest facial expressions and comments during any band's performance.

I also found out that Jen's parents recorded the performance, so my mom can still see it even though she had to go camping with Christopher this weekend. Yay!

Then Jen and Ash left to go home again for various reasons. I don't care, bottomline: I am alone again tonight, so I can actually think and I get to clean the floors tomorrow! YES!

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One sad thing: I have no band on Monday. At first I was pleased, but then I realized that I don't go to band on Wednesday like everyone else because of Cinema class. So really, I don't have band until Friday. Sad day. :(

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This week, my favorite song is Fast Car by Tracy Chapman.

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All I wanted to do was fast-forward this stage and get to the stage where I can do as I please, say as I please, be as I please with you. You smiled and laughed and spoke, but I kept putting my foot in my mouth. I had no clever words. I could not be charming. But I have time and you know me now, so this was it. My catalyst. Not as big as I expected, but definitely sufficient. My foot is in the door, so to speak.

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Thank you, Jesus, for all that you have given me.

What If You Could Only Speak the Truth? What Would You Say?

Time doesn't wait for anyone.

There is a part in every day

Where I lie to myself

And say that it's okay

Cause if I don't I think I'll go insane.

But the truth is

I only have myself to blame.

*Today's title and first section is from The Truth by Spill Canvas

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SO....on my last French test, I got a 65%, and I was totally bummed. I mean, French used to be my blow-off class. I never really had a problem with French. Therefore, that grade really derailed me. However, I knew that the reason it was so low was because I was transitioning from teaching styles AND I took a year off. I mean, M. Arons was very systematic and he taught in a way that was meant to enable a student to learn the language from the ground up. Mme. Durbin on the other hand, teaches want is used in conversation. Her main focus is vocabulary and phrases, while grammar is supposed to be picked up through out. So naturally, my vocabulary was less than expect. Of course, this was horribly frustrating because I had a better grasp of French grammar then the majority of the students, but because I didn't know as many words, it didn't seem to matter.

BUT today, I got my grade back for my second test and I got and 82%! I've never been so proud of a B in my--oh wait, when I got a B on a Trig test once, I was more excited. BUT STILL.

AHHHHHHH!!!!

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Today, you said it first.

I was so surprised.

I probably looked like an idiot.

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So I'm watching documentary about a faction of lesbians called "Agressives". Apparently, it's like a butch except...more butch? They are following four black women and an Asian woman. Apparently, Caucasians just aren't that...butch?

I dunno, I think the minorities wanted to make another minority within a minority. Hmmm....never a level playing field.....

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I want to hear your words, not read them somewhere else.

Stop protecting yourself from living.