Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Current Events

School is almost over. The mundane and predictable high school period of my life is almost over. This should be a happy time for me. I've been wanting to go to college since I was nine. Unfortunately, I feel more at home in that gross, overcrowded and poorly planned building than I ever did anywhere else. This, of course, makes me question my future plans. Am I double majoring in Digital Cinema Studies and English (and becoming a certified teacher) just to have a back up plan (which is what I tell myself) or because I don't want tor really have a main plan? Am I simply going to college just to go back to high school? I mean, when someone asks me what I am going to school for, if one of my friends is around they will answer for me saying "Natalie is going to be an English teacher." Well, it's not like they are wrong. I am going to be an English teacher eventually, but....that was never my original plan. I don't want to be in high school for the rest of my life do I? The plan was to write books and pilots and make things--make things that matter and that change a person's view of the world. That was the plan. But how am I going to do that in high school? True, I can change the views of my students, I write in my off time (yeah, right, that's why Hub is published.....not), but I never wanted that.

I think the main reason I feel so at home at school is because I can do whatever I want there. I control everything I care about there. Opportunities are everywhere. I have virtual complete freedom. I think I will still have that in college--to a degree anyway--but if I become a teacher, I will totally give that up. My life will become a game. A game of Let's See How Much I Can Actually Teach While Jumping Through Hoops for School Administrators. I can't jump very well, let alone through hoops. I am going to suck at that game. I don't want to give up my freedom, but I don't want to take huge risks either. But I suppose, in order to keep (or rebuild) this freedom, I will have to take some risks. I will have to push myself to find my vehicle to freedom--whether it be through writing, acting, music, whatever. It doesn't matter. I just can't give it up that easily. Not when I worked so hard to get it.

So what's the plan now? I guess it's something along the lines of exploiting every promising opportunity for success. I guess I really have to take Hub's advice and truly do what I am good at. What the hell?

God Help Me.