Jen is Rubbing Off on Me

I suppose I should admit what's going on, but I won't. This situation is far too cinematic to spoil with rational thought. And even though I am fully aware of the fact that in this type of movie, there is always a period of time where everyone is mad at the protagonist, things usually work out for the best. I'm willing to play through for the payoff--whatever that may be.

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Philosophy of Religion is easily becoming the highlight of my week, I've established myself in World Lit II (Can you believe it--It's just like my World Lit Class from high school--ugh), and French is something I have come to dread.....but I will prevail. At least, that's what I tell myself.

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At what point does a "philosopher" not have to support their point anymore? I mean, at what point do they go from the citer to the cited? I am only wondering because all of the stuff I've read thus far has not had a works cited page. Just a thought.

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I always forget who actually reads this thing. Hahaha

Two Posts in One Day????? Is This the Apocalypse??????

I often ask myself why I didn't get rid of you. Or rather, why we didn't decay and die a years ago. Perhaps it's because I can make you laugh. I can always make you laugh. I can be silly and crazy and be an exaggerated version of myself and you will always laugh. It's valuable, but is it fair to you?

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Searching for a song to fit....

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There are so many questions

I have yet to answer

And with a simple glance

You add a million more

I have played this game

But never with such high stakes

And yet I don't even know

My motivation

I don't even know

My intentions

Perhaps,

In its purest form

I just want to know

Who you are now

And who you were before

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Hahahahaha

Colleen is going to go to Lindenwood.

She just doesn't know it yet.

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Bravado.

That's what I need.

That, and I need to pay a trip to the gym.

I can't just expect results without effort.

"She's So Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh Above Me"

I love that song.

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I realized today that I see everything through a camera lens. I see everything from a cinematic point of view, regardless if what I am actually seeing is the least bit cinematic. If the current "scene" isn't entertaining enough, I add dialogue, camera angles, lighting, etc. until I am snapped back into the original scene composition.

When I listen to music, all the songs trigger scenes that will never happen. They bring up words that will never be spoken. Like right now. I'm listening to music. You are here with me, but we are in the cold rain. You are saying "I'm not going to leave like he did. I'm not going to play games. I'm just here for you." You are crying--or rather the closest thing you can get to crying--and I am watching you, too shocked to say anything in reply. The song changes; the fictional moment ends. Yet, it was all too real.

Is this augmented vision a gift or a curse?

Can I use it to create something, or will I just have to learn to live with uncompleted scenes of fractured people randomly popping into my daily life?

Or am I just making this all up to justify what keeps replaying in my mind?

I hope not.

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I bet Kim is jealous. Just a smidgen anyway. Haha

Almost A Week In, Almost The Weekend

So. College really suits me. The learning atmosphere is amazing. Everyone wants to learn. That may have something to do with the fact that I only have one freshman class though......whatever.

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I went to this church service thing through Campus Crusade for Christ today. They had free ice cream, so why not? But....I'm just going to say, I am not a fan. Maybe I'm too critical, but the speaker seemed to be trying sooooo hard to get us to relate to his message that he was actually losing people. He was talking about how he was such a partier in college, but that all changed when he found God. He said that God could change us too. Call me crazy, but most of the people who attend such a service are probably already changed or are ready to be changed by God.

It was nice though. Kinda like really watered down Steubenville.

It got me thinking though.

Maybe I won't find what I'm looking for until I make it.

Gunslingers?

*Punch in the face*

Yeah, that's what I want to do.

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So....the drum major at Lindenwood....hahaha

Pretty awesome person. To be sure.

Band practice tonight.

I have no idea what I'm going to play....but whatever.

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Classes start tomorrow. I am so ready. So ready to learn relevant information. I already have everything I need laid out. Can you say nerd?

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I miss Colleen a lot.

I miss my dog a little more.

I miss my mom a little more.

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Lindenwood is almost perfect.

I say almost because they don't have a yearboook.

Haha.

Entry of Doubt, Followed by a Declaration of Confidence

All I want to do is redo songs.
I'm always listening to songs and thinking of a different way to do them. It occupies quite a bit of my daily thought. Makes me second guess a lot.

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Okay.
I'm just going to say it:
I'm not excited for college. I'm ready. I need to go. But I'm not happy about it. Too bad I leave Wednesday.

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I feel the need to create, but I never can. I can never write or compose anything of worth. What makes me think I can work in film? I don't really have any sort of vision. No trademark style. All I have is underdeveloped ideas and the uncanny ability to mimic. That doesn't get anyone anywhere.

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Well, let's go.
Time to make something of myself.
Time to carve out my place.
I suppose I'll find the tools along the way.

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"Hold me, whatever lies beyond this morning is a little later on. Regardless of warnings, the future doesn't scare me at all. Nothing's like before."

Just channel Square, just channel Square.

Why Did I Just Now Hear Rilo Kiley? Like Couldn't Somebody Have Given Me the Heads Up?

So I finally watched that Military Reunions Caught on Tape video that has been circulating on Facebook. It made me cry, but not entirely for what it was. I mean, it was definitely moving - all those kids crying, so relieved that their parents were home - but I still managed to be all self-centered about it.

I was jealous that I have never felt what they felt - total relief and contentment with someone they had been missing or worried about. How sick is that? Sure, I feel fortunate not to have ever had to feel that way. I have never been worried about the well-being of my parents or a significant other. But I feel that I am missing out on something. Like an untapped part of a relationship.

Well, I sorta felt that way once, now that I thin about it, but things were so strained and awkward that I don't really think it counts.

It's strange because any rational person would never want to be in that sort of position, and I certainly don't want to be either, but I still want to know what that feels like.

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Oh, Kelsey.
*sigh*

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I really should be packing right now........but I like blogging and reading sooooo much more.

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I got my license, but I don't have a car (and probably won't until the absolute earliest of November - and that's a long shot), and my parents still don't think I should drive anywhere anyway. Especially my father. Quote: "Why don't we just shoot her in the head, it's about the same."

Ugh.