Ridiculous

I'm not signing my life away in student loans so I can point out the obvious in discussion, BS papers and still get and an A AND be exempt from the final.

Next semester better be worth it--or I am definitely transferring.

Two Posts in One Day, FTW

I mean, I could add on to my first post for today, but it doesn't really fit. And the first one was really well written....and this one won't be so....better to keep them separate.

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I'm seriously considering transferring from LU to...somewhere else. I'm mainly looking at all the places I should have applied to in the first place like NYU, USC, and Columbia College Chicago. I just feel wrong here. It's like all the novelty has worn off and I've realized that this is my college choice--this is where I chose to get my higher education--and I can't believe it.

It's not about me only making two friends this semester or the fact that my roommates and I have had our ups and downs--it's bigger than that. I feel like being here, I am doing myself a disservice. I think about my friends at other colleges who are actually excited to be there. I am not excited to be here. In fact, I can't wait to leave. And that's not right.

Maybe my mood will change over the winter break. Maybe I just need a break. But right now, it seems that me and LU are just not working out.

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I completely and totally understand Jen's infatuation with Emma Watson. Her performance in HP 7: P1 was the highlight.

However, it makes me feel worthless.

What Am I Supposed To Say?

I know there is nothing I can say. You don't expect me to have anything up my sleeve that will fix this. But how can I not say anything? Except I don't know what to say.

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I keep trying to figure out which direction I am supposed to go, but I can't. I look at you and feel something, but I don't know what it is.

I look back and remember where I was a year ago and I miss it so much. I was kneeling at your feet--yours to do with as you pleased.

I look back five years ago and remember that I could almost see that future. I couldn't even conceive a life without you.

In a simple five year period, between now and then, I thought I knew the answer. I thought I saw the path. Now I know that I know nothing. I am fighting blind--In the ring with an opponent who won't even taunt me.

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Wouldn't it be funny if this panned out exactly how it could? It would make a lovely romantic dramedy. It would probably make a lot of money at the box office.

Of course, I would be presuming far too much.

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Maybe, all those months ago, I got it wrong. In the wet, cold snow, I would be declaring this love and you--instead of them--would be staring me down. The setting was right, but the characters and cast were wrong.

Again, I am presuming far too much.

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I wonder if I am as transparent as a I feel. Considering how weak and erratic my heart has become, do you blame me for letting my mind walk down these paths--if only as a dream?

After The Storm

Fine, Vishal--I'll blog again! Sorry I have been busy!

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So...my iPod died. I bought a new one and I have never felt more refreshed in my entire life. I mean, rather than having 30gb at my disposable, I HAVE 160GB!!! AHHHHH. I am quite excited.

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This week has been quite interesting thus far. Despite it's ups and downs, I am pleasantly surprised with the end result.

I could watch Avatar again and again and again.

I am exempted from my English final. Win.

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This morning, during our lovely talks, I realized something: I missed the mark, again. Even if I had a shot in the beginning, it's gotten to the point that I am in the "worst" of all places with you: THE FRIEND ZONE. I'm never going to get any farther than this with you. You don't have eyes for anyone else.

But surprisingly, I am fine with that because you are a pretty awesome friend.

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Vishal might come to Thanksgiving (which is at 6, btw), but probably not. It would be interesting to see what he thinks of my family.

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I need to start a new book.

Walking In Place

I always find myself in these times of anticipation. I'm always waiting for something. And I always feel that I should be doing. But nothing ever happens, and anything I do seems to amount to nothing. I want to be a part of something, of someone, of life. I am anticipating so much, I have so many ideas, but then I have nothing at all coming to me.

If only this person could...

If only I had this...

What if I did...

I did this so now...

I'm here now...

...so where to next?

I feel it--purpose--it's there somewhere inside me. It's waiting on something too. But what?

Haven't I done enough?

It's like I'm on treadmill instead of a path. You know how I hate treadmills. Nothing I do, nothing I say ever gets me anywhere. At least, not anywhere I am actually wanting to go.

A song by Josh Groban came on shuffle and I totally lost my train of thought.

Oh, jeez.

What if I tell the truth?

Would that get me anywhere?

I'm inclined to think it wouldn't.

My Birthday is Cursed

Or at least, the days surrounding my birthday (aka - 16,17,18) are cursed.

Last year is was the whole Z-goes-on-a-crazy-rampage-and-spits-in-my-face-thing, and now Lindenwood is doing this whole we-told-you-one-thing-but-now-we-want-you-to-do-this-thing.

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However, the Dean just called me and said that she would take care of me. Why can't she be mt advisor?

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Hey, I rock. :)

I'm Nineteen!

My life will be a Tegan and Sara narrative!

At least, I'm pretty sure anyway.

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Kelsey took me to dinner tonight. It was awesome. Talking to Tranklers always make feel happy.

But then again, so does champagne. :)

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Just biding my time, until you change your mind.

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I miss Colleen.

To Be Entirely Honest

All I can ever think to write about - to get out of my system - is stuff I'm supposed to keep in.

It's frustrating. For example, I had an amazing breakfast this morning, and I would like to tell you all why it was so amazing, but ALAS - I have to keep it to myself. I mean, you won't get it anyway. Even the people who get it, don't get it.

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Maybe if they just admit to themselves what's going on, I could stand to be in the same room with them. And, really, you know what's up - you know what's going on - She doesn't. Do her a favor.

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OPRAH'S DEBT DIET.

Plausibility Be Damned

I hate that Vishal has become just a status update sent to my phone. He is(was?) my best guy friend. And now he's not. I am not happy with it at all, but I really don't know what to do about it.

I know I have a few posts about how my group of friends wasn't going to disintegrate into nothing. And to be fair, it didn't--it just morphed into crap.

It's really sad.

I miss my friends. I loved them so, and I still do, but I don't think we are or could ever be the same.

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Other than missing what was, my mind is almost entirely focused on what could be.

I can't believe my luck. I have breakfast with you every morning, talk to you every morning, see you smile every morning, hear you laugh every morning, simply get to know you every morning. And all I had to do was sit down with you.

It sounds like I'm in love, but know that I'm not. I'm just excited that I could possibly be leaving the hypothetical and entering the actual. Just the possibility makes me giddy.

Part of me is worried for the rest. It says, "Don't get set in place. You know that doesn't make a difference."

I know, I know.

But maybe this is one of those other things that just work.

"Stop it."

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God, I was thrown for a loop in French today.

It was so unexpected--all of it. The event, the situation, and my reaction.

I didn't know I was like that, but apparently, I am.

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If I had a million dollars I would buy college degrees for me and Jen.

In Preparation

I want to play with you. I suppose the word should be perform, but you would know what I meant. But surely, I am not good enough. I will become better though.

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My nineteenth birthday is fast approaching. I am not okay with this. Will my life become a Tegan and Sara narrative?

I am eagerly hoping, but afraid so.

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This is the song I am currently learning:

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The sad thing is that I am in preparation for a day that may never come.

But it might, so that's something.

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I really hope I see Amanda tomorrow, so I can tell her she has an inner ear infection.

#momandiaredoctors

In The Best Way Possible

I want to scream my guts out - from happiness. Everything, after going so horribly for the past few weeks, is now going amazing.

It's a weird feeling.

I mean...

Colleen has Skype now.

I get to go home and see my mom this weekend.

I get my birthday presents this weekend.

I get to see Colleen on Friday.

I am not regularly having breakfast with people I have not know for the past five years and am enjoying it quite thoroughly.

I feel good about life again.

This American Life is Amazing.

It's just good.

My Friends Don't Get It

They just don't.

I live with two of my best friends. It's almost 6:30 and we just got back from dinner. We don't go to bed until around 11. However, they are content to sit in silence for the rest of the evening.

Okay, that's a bit extreme.

It's not like there is some decree or vow of silence here. It's just that generally, after dinner, there is no more conversation. Everything is short. Every response is brief. Every attempt to start a conversation will be shut down.

Unless it's about high school.

It's either constant reminiscing or nothing. (This is also somewhat of an extreme.)

Now, it's true, I miss high school, but only because I could socialize there. In my current situation, I am confined to small room for the majority of my free time with people who are perfectly content to sit in silence. Of course, it's not like they are just sitting their doing nothing - they are A) reading, B) listening to music, C) texting their best friend*, or D) some combination of the above. In case you are wondering, these best friends* happen to be in high school.

To be fair, my best friend* is also in high school, so it's not like I have any room to talk, but that isn't really my intended point anyway.

My problem is that the three of us spent a lot of time talking about how living together was going to be awesome. We wouldn't have curfews or parents to answer to, and we would just go out and have fun. Now, almost a semester into the deal, we haven't done anything. There are plenty of things to do such as bowling, a dollar movie theater, two malls nearby, and a freaking Bass Pro Shop. We can't even manage to carry on a simple conversation.

I have tried to voice my concerns, but since that qualifies as a conversation, they have fallen on deaf ears.

Instead, I have resolved myself to trying to find things to occupy myself such as calling my mom, listening to This American Life, watching documentaries on Netflix, and sometimes (when desperate) carrying on a monologue while no one listens.

This is me venting in my blog. My friends will find this post and be very upset with me. They will be offended and maybe even hurt. They might confront me about it. At least, then they will be talking to me.

*Best friend is a term I dislike using, consider childish, and does not quite fit the situation.

If My Life Was Narrated by Ira Glass, It Would All Be Worth It

"And the funny thing is that she was never very clean-conscious before. She adopted the compulsion only after realizing how much she dislike the alternative: Not being clean-conscious."

G: Do you think you'll ever get any help?

M: No.

G: Are you upset by that?

M: Not really. I mean, I used to get upset, but that didn't get anything done."

"I'm Ira Glass and this is This American Life."

Poem, Thoughts, Poem

A social butterfly is pretty sad without flowers.

All she can do is hope that some sprout.

So she waits.

So she prays.

And it's funny that things just fall into place.

And suddenly,

The buds appear.

And finally,

spring is here.

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Studying Shakespeare is really nice when your teacher likes Shakespeare, but isn't in love with him for the namesake alone. It's actually intellectual.

I discovered Yeats.

I feel like I have discovered poetry for the first time.

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When You Are Old

When you are old and gray and full of sleep,
And nodding by the fire, take down this book,
And slowly read, and dream of the soft look
Your eyes had once, and of their shadows deep;

How many loved your moments of glad grace,
And loved your beauty with love false or true,
But one man loved the pilgrim soul in you,
And loved the sorrows of your changing face;

And bending down beside the glowing bars,
Murmur, a little sadly, how Love fled
And paced upon the mountains overhead
And hid his face among a crowd of stars.

THE COUNTDOWN

To my birthday: 14 days

To Winter Break: 37 days

Yeah, I can't wait.

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AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Life Right Now

I realize that I have been an idiot these last few months. Like, not a full blown idiot, but just kinda stupid. I mean, I worked so hard to get where I am, why would I take that for granted now.

I promise I won't ever be that sometimes friend again.

I can't promise I'll be there all the time.

I won't keep constant contact.

But I won't ever block you out like I was. Missing you doesn't hurt that much.

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I skipped class today to visit at Seckman.

It was a good choice.

:)

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Life is coming together nicely.