THE BLIZZARD: Day 1

You really need to stop being a Katy Perry song. I felt like I was on a TV show this morning. Like...when is it going to blow up, you know?

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Today, THE BLIZZARD started. It was fine this morning, except all the ice just happen to be surrounding all the intersections. I get to French and less than ten people were there. Then it starts raining/icing. Then a Katy Perry song showed up. Then I tried to go to Grab-and-Go to get lunch, but realized it was covered in a sheet of ice, so I went back to the room and ate an apple instead. Then I emailed my Psych teacher and told her I couldn't physically make it to class. Then I ventured to band (my bass clarinet was being such a bitch).

Jen, Ash and I have decided that we are not leaving the room for the next forty eight hours. It's just not worth it.

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This will get better. I will not fail.

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Corrections, 8:35pm

I want to sit you down and tell you. I know all that I've done looks bad now. And it will still probably look bad when - I mean if - I get to explain. I am never ready for this moment. When it comes, it is always rushed. I am never able to play out my rehearsed conversations. This time is different though. I can't just stay quiet. And I have plenty of time to figure out how I am going to do this. Now, I need you to give me an opportunity.

Surprises, Cakes, Plaid Shirts

I try to think back farther, but I can't. For me, you started at that moment. You began existing at that moment. I mean, I know you were there before. I know you existed before. But none of that matters.

There is so much irony. So many coincidences. I know it's more than that now.

This would be easier if I were simply back at square one, but I am back at square negative seven. It's simply ridiculous, but I'll do it.

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So...you serenaded me. You were joking around. That's all.

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Poor, poor Dr. Hahn. DENIED.

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I've got to see you.

Conversations With A Brick Wall

I was finally able to process everything today. That's because I was finally able to get to my guitar. New song about you. That brings your total up to...three. Is that weird? I just think you should know.

You probably don't read this anymore. I think you should. You should go back in time to 2010. February, March, April. Those are great months.

I can't believe I am urging you to analyze my words. That is so crazy. But I really think it's the only thing I can do at this point. It might do more damage than good, but at least you would know.

There are parts of me I am afraid of - those are the only parts you don't know.

I wonder: Does your mother dislike me now, as well? Hmm.

Yeah, you accepted my apology, but you didn't believe me.

Why am I writing this? It's all so pointless now. It's like in Revenge of the Sith when Anakin has that dream about Padme and he does all this stuff in the hopes of preventing it, only to actually cause it. I did this all myself. It's over and done with.

(This sounds so depressing. That's because it is. I mean, I'll make it. Things will get better, but they won't ever be good.)

Hindsight Being 20/20

I know my efforts are futile now. But I really can't help it. Colleen accepted my apology (I don't deserve that), and I felt better for about two seconds. Then the hole for a heart returned. I would say that I need to see her, but I doubt she wants to see me. Honestly, I don't even know what I would do if she would see me. Probably just break down.

I miss her. I always miss her.

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Now that I am beginning season 5 of Grey's Anatomy, I must say that Dr. Hahn is my favorite. She is such a bad ass. Dr. Torres is pretty BA too.

Of all the things you could have read. You could have picked any other post. I've written poems about how much I love you, how much I need you, and you decided to read that. To only see that.

Yes, it was rude. I will admit that. It was a moment of weakness you were never meant to see. You won't believe me, I know. I should have just told you, if only I could tell you.

I thought I was doing what was best. But if I had just told you, been truthful from the start, you would never even consider what you think now. I was just trying to have a normal friendship for once in my life and this is what it gets me: A grave misunderstanding and a broken heart.

Just give me a half hour. Then you would understand. You might even laugh afterwards. That would be beautiful.

Heartbreak

That's what this is. I thought I knew what I felt like, but now I know I was wrong. This is heartbreak.

You read this, Colleen? You think you know how I feel about you? You don't. You have no idea.

God, if you read--I mean, REALLY READ--this blog you would know that I consider you to be an absolute miracle in my life. Meeting you and you accepting me can only be described as miraculous.

My hands are shaking, my breath is uneven, it feel like's my heart is racing and stopped at the same time, my throat is tight, my stomach is gone.

The idea of you hating me, of me making you cry, is making me want to vomit.

I love you more than you could ever fathom, and the fact that you think any less--it's the worst thing I have ever felt.

A Problem

My French homework asked me to describe my best friend.

Too bad I don't have one anymore.

Unscripted

I realized that I want to be a different person at LU than I am normally.

At LU, I want to be studious, at the top of the class, the best I can be academically. #hermionegranger

At LU, I want to be carefree, lighthearted, optimistic. More than I usually am anyway.

And most importantly, at LU, I don't want to just play the part anymore.

That's the hardest of all. Mainly because I can only do so much. It's up to someone else to accept the real life version of myself.

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Don't let me catch your eye like that. It makes me feel like you know what I am thinking.

Two Trains of Thought are Intersecting at Point A. Train 1 is Coming from the East at 70 mph....etc, etc.

Like.........I don't even know.

I am back at LU.

I mean..........we've talked like..........twice...three times

It feels good to be moved back in with Ash and Jen.

Sure, I'm nice, but you weren't buying what I was selling then. Why are you now?

I hope class is good.

It's a good thing I'm nice.

Maybe I'll enjoy my time here.

Let's face it: I'm just happy someone was happy to see me.

Now.

There is so much I could do, but there is so little I am allowed choose.

The choices I have made so far have done little to satisfy me. No matter what I do, I remain in this state of gut-wrenching uncertainty. But I can feel that soon this state will end, and I will have nothing to show for it. I need to find my path. I need to break through, break out of this soon or I will be stuck making the best out of choices I had nothing to do with.

Ehhh

As much as Suze Orman pisses me off, she's right.

*Hyper-ventilating*

I was really pissed off when I found out that the Nintendo 3DS would be $249. I mean, I don't even LIKE 3D. Why does it have to be expensive like that??? Especially since Kingdom Hearts: Dream Drop Distance is going to be EXCLUSIVE to that stupid system. GRRR.

BUT THEN I FOUND OUT SO MUCH MORE AWESOME STUFF.

Like:

Final Fantasy XIII-2

Final Fantasy XIII Versus is on PSP (since when, man????)

Final Fantasy Type Zero

Final Fantasy Dissida 012[doudecim] (I already knew about that but still.)

ALL OUT AT SOME POINT IN 2011.

Basically...I am in RPG heaven.

P.S.

I just beat Kingdom Hearts: 358/2 Days (awesome), just started Kingdom Hearts: Re:Coded (fun), will begin Final Fantasy IV (via DSi) soon, and will purchase a PSP, Final Fantasy VII: Crisis Core, Kingdom Hearts: Birth By Sleep, and Final Fantasy Dissida this evening.

I don't EVEN CARE if I hate Lindenwood!

Okay, Okay

So I am watching too much Grey's anatomy. So much so that I am starting to think that I want drastically change my life and become a surgeon.

Don't worry, I don't actually want to do that. Although I am not very squeamish, I really don't think I could handle cutting anyone open, or watching someone bleed profusely, or someone dying in front of me, or burn victims, or amputations, or sticking my hands in blood, or feeling/touching another person's internal organs.

To me, what is really attractive about being any sort of doctor is the amount of knowledge it takes, the psychological stability it requires, and the feeling that someone is depending on you to change their life and you are expected to succeed. It probably all sounds like a huge amount of stress to anyone else, but I love that type of stress--the type that comes with knowing that you are the only one who can do what you are about to do, that you are indispensable, and and that someone or something is totally depending on you. Again, this probably all sounds like stress to anyone else. But not to me, because I have a God complex. I want to be someone's everything--for any amount of time.

That's why I loved Yearbook. That's why I want to have a bunch of kids. That's why I become so close to friends way too fast. That's why--at times--I compromise perfectly good relationships for people who need someone temporarily. I want to be a God. A good God, but a God nonetheless.

It's quite unfortunate that I have discovered this so late in life foundation. I mean, I am on a career path that is crowded with people trying to create a name for themselves, and we are all very fundamentally similar. That chances of anyone looking at me and saying "You are the only one who can pull this off," are very slim. Nearly anyone can do what I want to do--the difference is divinity.

Is the human divine enough to earn recognized brilliance? That is what we are all hoping to determine; that we are divine enough to be a God.

With surgeons, or any type of doctor, or lawyers, or government and military employees, it is simple: Succeed at your mission, every time, all time, or even most of the time, and your divinity will be seen.

With people like me, mastery of the craft is not enough. You must be seen and heard in the right way, at the right time, every time--mistakes are not allowed. It is not enough to be great, to create wonders, but to have those wonders seen and heard by anyone and everyone. Otherwise, your divinity will go unnoticed and without pause.

I am not saying that surgeons and people of the like have it easy. Not at all. But when it comes to having a God complex, satisfying that--being recognized as great at what you do--goes along with the job. I, however, will be considered lucky to be employed. That is the best I can hope for--the rest is literally not up to me, which makes me very uncomfortable.

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This was way too serious.

Btw, I just watched Inception and thought it was awesome.

Public Service Announcement

Ignore all of yesterday's post.
I am an idiot who couldn't keep her mouth shut.
Complete and total nevermind.

Nothing to see here, carry on, carry on.

"Can You Get Me Off Your Mind?"

I got on here after a day of watching Grey's Anatomy to blog and then go to bed in the hopes of correcting my sleep schedule. The thing is, I can't just get on here to blog and then get off. I have a system. It's like: Facebook, Tumblr-Bundle, Blog 1, Blog 2, and then I can blog.

I got on here all ready to blog cryptically about my feelings about everything I talked about today. However, in the course of my system, I realized that there is probably very little to blog about.

It's like be sad, act defeated, let it go. I mean, I like going back to normal, right?

Or

Don't.

I could be persistent. That is an actually option. Then again, I don't know if I could do that without being annoying/tiring (yes, there is a difference). Also, I have to wonder, would it work? Probably not--my persistence isn't very persuading.

All I know, is that I had a very weird feeling all day today. I went through all the conversations we could have, everything you could have said, and as much as I was rooting for me to be wrong, I don't think I am. I think this is worth taking a chance on. Maybe this is actually my turn to be happy after all.

I mean, maybe that so-called defeat was actually all in my head. I was totally wrong after all.

But this also has it's drawbacks.

Well, then.

"Can you get me off your mind?"

Grey's Anatomy

You feel the same, I just feel different.
You laugh the same, I just hear it differently.
You smile the same, I just see it differently.

I remember all of what I used to feel.
I understand it. It is valid.
Causing you to laugh is still the greatest thing I can do.
But it's not the greatest thing I can ever do.

I can't explain it, but something is different. Not very different. Not bad different. Just different enough for things to change ever so slightly when they concern you.

I guess we are kinda like Christina and Meredith. I dunno which one is which yet, but that's who we are.

Maybe it's because of him. I tried to tell you today, but you seem dead set against the idea. Shall I just blatantly confess over dinner, then? Do I not get the friend that I tell secrets to late at night? Am I not allowed that privilege? Do I not qualify for that kind of friendship?

If so, that is a real problem because I REALLY want to talk to you about it. Ugh. For someone who says she loves people, I sure am afraid to trust them.

Two Awesome Days

I have had two very awesome days.

Day 1: Going with Vishal up to Seckman.

He really is the best guy I know. Well, to be fair, Vishal, Matt, Brett, and Tommy all are amazing guys. I mean, Matt is my oldest friend. Brett is the most random, brilliant kid ever. And everybody knows that Tommy is sweetheart. But the brown kid is pretty freaking awesome.

I talked with Anderson a lot, looked over the yearbook scores (First Class Rating, HELL YEAH), got hugged by Dodson (eww...I mean, that poor woman...but ewwwww), learned SO MUCH about Indian courtship rituals (and consequently, the aforementioned brown kid), and talked with Hub a lot (from 4-6:30). And of course, I saw Colleen, Liz, Micaela, Kathryn, Carly, Kaitlyn, Caitlyn, Drew, and....Rachel. She was very nice to me. And it was hard to see her, but not see her. Next thing you know, she will be listening to Nickleback. ugh.

Apparently, Vishal was dressed "all emo" (according to Colleen and Matt). Come on. He was wearing a black beanie and slim fit jeans. I thought he looked nice, but whatever.

Also apparently, Caleb Doyle is now an ass. Idiot.

Day 2: Chewing Gum at the Seyer's House

Basically, I got to spend the day with my best friend for the first time all break. That's huge.

I had to chew gum for Caitlyn's science project...that was nice. But it got old really fast. It was still a good time. I dominated at Apples to Apples, saw Despicable Me, and had some great food made by Debbie Seyer. Did I mention I was also with my best friend, Colleen Seyer? I did? Oh, my mistake.

I did, however, feel bad because I left my mom home alone all day. I hate doing that. But like...what can you do? Right? :/

It's nice because tomorrow, I get to do it all over again (part two of science experiment). Can't wait!

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Life has been good to be lately.
It would be wrong to want more.
So I won't.

Today anyway.

And Darling Don't Confess This Thing That Breaks My Heart

I've thought about it.

How could I not? The way we carry on.

A small, but not too small portion of me thinks about the possibility all the time. When we are in the same room, when we aren't. In the morning, in the night. When I don't have other things to think about, when I do.

There is a vague internal dialogue.

"What if we tried
"Haven't you ever thought
"You don't know
"Just ask
"And the response
"And then everything would be perfect."

I'm sure it's crossed your mind too, however, in a more fleeting manner.
Unfortunately, there is always a chance that I could be completely wrong in any number of ways.

I should say, that I don't allow myself to dwell on it too long. I don't flesh it out. It does not have dimensions. And that is because the last time I did that, it didn't work out so well for me. That me isn't me now. She scares me. Mainly because what she did hurt.

Secondly, because she was either very stupid or very brave. And I can't figure that out yet.

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"And Darling"

Creep up and tell me that you
You love me more each time you
Look into my eyes, I feel like
I know you don't mean to be mean
I'm sure you know the same for me
When you creep up and tell me
Darling
It breaks my heart each time you
Darling
You break my heart each time you
You slip your hands inside my pockets
Tell me nothing else would do
Without me, you can't live and
You slip your heart into my chest
They both become one of the strongest pairs
When strangers come
And darling
This thing that breaks my heart and
Darling
You break my heart each time you
Darling
This thing that breaks my heart and
Darling
You break my heart each time you

"Don't Confess (This Thing That Breaks My Heart)"

Don’t think I’ll confess
Why would I confess that I
Don’t think I’ll deny
Why would I deny that I
Don’t be so hard on yourself
You won’t get better til you’re worse
Yeah you
Send a little smile my way
And don’t be so hard on yourself
You won’t get better til you’re worse
Yeah you
Send a little love my way
Every second I spend waiting
Drags me closer to this grave
I’m not alone
No, I’m just on my own
And I, it's a little cold outside
Ooh
Don’t think I’ll escape
(Don’t think I’ll escape)
Why would I escape you
Don’t think I’ll replace
(Don’t think I’ll replace)
How could I (how could I) replace you
And don’t be so hard on yourself
You won’t get better til you’re worse
Yeah you send a little smile my way
And don’t be so hard on yourself
You won’t get better til you’re worse
Yeah you send a little love my way
And every second I spend waiting
Drags me closer to this grave
I’m not alone
No, I’m just on my own
And I, it's a little cold outside
Ooh
And so don't be so hard on yourself
You won’t get better til you‘re worse
Send your love my way

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Was that too much?