Friday, January 14, 2011

Okay, Okay

So I am watching too much Grey's anatomy. So much so that I am starting to think that I want drastically change my life and become a surgeon.

Don't worry, I don't actually want to do that. Although I am not very squeamish, I really don't think I could handle cutting anyone open, or watching someone bleed profusely, or someone dying in front of me, or burn victims, or amputations, or sticking my hands in blood, or feeling/touching another person's internal organs.

To me, what is really attractive about being any sort of doctor is the amount of knowledge it takes, the psychological stability it requires, and the feeling that someone is depending on you to change their life and you are expected to succeed. It probably all sounds like a huge amount of stress to anyone else, but I love that type of stress--the type that comes with knowing that you are the only one who can do what you are about to do, that you are indispensable, and and that someone or something is totally depending on you. Again, this probably all sounds like stress to anyone else. But not to me, because I have a God complex. I want to be someone's everything--for any amount of time.

That's why I loved Yearbook. That's why I want to have a bunch of kids. That's why I become so close to friends way too fast. That's why--at times--I compromise perfectly good relationships for people who need someone temporarily. I want to be a God. A good God, but a God nonetheless.

It's quite unfortunate that I have discovered this so late in life foundation. I mean, I am on a career path that is crowded with people trying to create a name for themselves, and we are all very fundamentally similar. That chances of anyone looking at me and saying "You are the only one who can pull this off," are very slim. Nearly anyone can do what I want to do--the difference is divinity.

Is the human divine enough to earn recognized brilliance? That is what we are all hoping to determine; that we are divine enough to be a God.

With surgeons, or any type of doctor, or lawyers, or government and military employees, it is simple: Succeed at your mission, every time, all time, or even most of the time, and your divinity will be seen.

With people like me, mastery of the craft is not enough. You must be seen and heard in the right way, at the right time, every time--mistakes are not allowed. It is not enough to be great, to create wonders, but to have those wonders seen and heard by anyone and everyone. Otherwise, your divinity will go unnoticed and without pause.

I am not saying that surgeons and people of the like have it easy. Not at all. But when it comes to having a God complex, satisfying that--being recognized as great at what you do--goes along with the job. I, however, will be considered lucky to be employed. That is the best I can hope for--the rest is literally not up to me, which makes me very uncomfortable.

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This was way too serious.

Btw, I just watched Inception and thought it was awesome.

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