A Political Post

I watched this PBS documentary called "God in America" which was extremely interesting.  It's basically broke down exactly how the Evangelicals became so involved and influential in conservative politics.  It's all Reagan's fault.  This explains why the relatively large community of conservative-extremists I shared a high school with seemed to worship Reagan.  Hmm.

Anyway, from watching this documentary and thinking quite a bit, I concluded that if the Right Wing wants to realistically end abortion, they have to stop treating it like a political issue and begin to understand it as a social issue.  I mean, in Iran, abortion is illegal, which is what the Right Wing wants--it wants to obliterate Planned Parenthood and clinics that offer abortions.  Okay.  Well, conversely, in Iran it is legal to sell one of your kidneys, granted that it meets certain standards.  In fact, Iran is the only country that allows the sale of kidneys. That's ridiculous, right?  Yeah, people can live with one kidney, but why would anyone be so desperate for money that they would sell a kidney?  The answer is simple:  They need the money to pay for black market drugs (that may or may not be expired), and to then pay half-ass operation, under-the-table, group of shady individuals to perform an illegal (and not to mention completely unregulated by medical professionals) abortion.  Now, you may think I am inferring this, but I am not--I have watched several documentaries and researched the issue.  Clearly, the legal status of abortion makes little difference in the existence of the procedure.

The question, then, is how does one actually put an end to abortion?  For me, it seems that Pro-Life Conservatives need to adopt some rather liberal ideals.  Starting with teaching legitimate sexual education courses in school and promoting the use of contraceptives during sex. (Notice what I did there?  I said, "promoting the use of contraceptives during sex" not "promoting sex", which seems to be a common misinterpretation of the syntax.  Please, see the difference.)  This would also included changing the legal system's attitude towards rape from "Don't get raped" to the simple, but efficient "Don't rape".  And perhaps it wouldn't hurt if everyone came to terms with the idea that women can function in the workplace just as well as men, with or without wanting to "settle down and have a family"--career motivated women can also be good mothers, just as career motivated men can also be good fathers.  Men don't have to make a choice, so why should the workplace pressure women into doing so?

Right there, I have outlined every possibly politics-related reason a woman would have an abortion, and it seems to eliminate these reasons politically, the Right Wing Conservatives should consider crossing party lines for a spell.  I will concede that there are several other reasons why a woman would want to get an abortion, but the remaining reasons boil down to social-economic and moral atmosphere and personal choice, which for the most part cannot be regulated politically.  Hence why I said abortion should be treated as a social issue earlier in this post.  And, yes, because those remaining factors cannot be regulated politically, adopting the aforementioned liberal ideals will not bring a complete end to abortion, but it is the closest thing to an end any Pro-Life advocate can realistically hope for.  And if, in the words of John Winthrop and later Ronald Reagan, America truly wants to be a "shining city on a hill" for all of society to look towards, our only concern is that we are closer to perfect than anyone else.  When it comes to abortion, this is the only way to accomplish that.

Unpopular Opinion

America is a nation built on hypocrisy and betrayal.

I am sorry if that is hard for some of my readers to hear, but it is the truth.

If you disagree, I suggest you learn about a people called "Native Americans".  I know they aren't that popular these days, but it would probably be worth your while.

We killed a way of life, and we said God smiled on us.

Ready? Go!

I am slowly coming to terms with the facts that:

1. I love pop-culture more than being cultured.
2. I love dance music even if the lyrics suck.
3. And sometimes the lyrics don't suck so give the happy music a chance, people.
4. I can't dance, but I love doing it.
5. Everything is going to be fine.

....WE FOUND LOVE IN HOPELESS PLACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This and That.

Since the beginning of time, it's been one thing.

And believe me, I tried others, but nothing else makes me feel like I am living my life.

However, just because this is the only choice, that doesn't mean it's going to be easy. I am going to have to work my ass off. But it will be okay, because I am guaranteed to be satisfied.

---

I'm going to be twenty on Thursday.

The people in my Novel class called me a baby.

Why do I feel too old?

---

Really? Just let me know how you are doing.

Is that really too much for you to handle?

Exciting

I finally was selected to beta test Star Wars: The Old Republic. I know that may seem like an overly nerdy thing to blog about, but you have to understand: The first thing I did as a legal adult was sign up for the testing program. That was nearly two years ago, and I am finally getting the payoff. It's a big deal to me. When I got the email, I just started screaming and I immediately had to call my mother. This is the coolest thing ever.

---

My birthday is in a week. I don't know how I feel about being twenty, or rather I don't know how I feel about not being a teenager anymore. I can pretty much guarantee that I will feel like a teenager long after the 17th. So I have to wonder, when does that feeling go away? And if it never does, is that a problem? I hope not.

---

It was really nice to hear someone else tell me to "just go for it." I'll remember you. You don't think I will, but I know I will.

---

I'm ready to get this show on the road.

An Album Review?

Okay, so I downloaded Switchfoot's latest album, Vice Verses, just for kicks. I have honestly tried to like Switchfoot several times in my life. I had three of their albums before downloading this one and when they came to LU last year, I thought they put on an amazing show. But they have never stuck with me. I thought that maybe this album would change that.

Nope.

To me, Switchfoot is a band that makes good singles or has a few good tracks an album, but they have never composed an entire album that I could listen to and love through and through. Vice Verses is no exception to this. Let's go track by track.

1. Afterlife - It's a decent opener. It has this revolutionary vibe to it, carpe diem or whatever, but it's way too similar to Switchfoot's earlier hit Meant to Live for me. I mean....it's essentially the same message. Still, it's a good song. It has an interesting rhythm to it and a nice sound.
2. The Original - Sometimes I think Switchfoot forgets that they have made many, many albums. Sometimes I think that they really think their ideas are so fantastic that they need put out track after track about them. This song...I mean, who were they writing for? The fourteen year old girl in all of us? Be original. That's what this song says. OVER and OVER and OVER. I kept getting the distinct vision of a teen-dance-party montage during this song. Not cool.
3. The War Inside - Musically, this song is pretty interesting. Again, however, the idea of personal/spiritual revolution is preached. This song really makes me wonder who Switchfoot's audience truly is. But more on that later. However, the line "We are the kids of the in-between" bothered me to no end. These are middle-aged men. And they are not profound enough to pull off transcendentalism like Emerson.
4. Restless - The song is, again, a song of searching and or the re-invention of self. That's basically all that's on this album. Except this one is a ballad. Joy.
5. Blinding Light - OH LOOK, it's a repeat of track four, but instead of a teenage girl, we've got a boy. Granted, this song is pretty fun musically. We've got a cool drumbeat and a nice bassline. I'm trying to figure out if Switchfoot would rather be a motivational speaking outfit. SO UPLIFTING.
6. Selling the News - WHERE DO I BEGIN WITH THIS SONG? See, it's this kind of crap that really bothers me with Switchfoot. They ALWAYS have a track where they just decided to get on a soapbox and rant about the media. About how "truth" gets muddled in everyday life. It's so ridiculous. I can't deal with it. I actually get angry because where do they get off condemning the media? THEY ARE PART OF THE MEDIA. Look, I get it, I lived through American Idiot, I understand the whole rebellion thing. But all this song is saying is that the media is this ugly, lying entity, and that by being suspicious of everything (rather than just secular sources), we are becoming just as bad as the evil perpetuated in the media--that Switchfoot is somehow separated from. Probably the most disturbing verse of this song is the line "See, opinions are easier to swallow than facts/the greys instead of the whites and the blacks." Anyone who knows anything about Switchfoot knows that they are a semi-Christian band that construct their songs in such a way that they always have two meanings: a secular one and a Christian one. Knowing this, what that line says from a Christian standpoint is to only accept the "truth" and nothing else. However, it presumes that the "truth" has one true and consistent interpretation. This is completely untrue. This song is promoting a closed-minded perspective without compassion for those who come from a different viewpoint, which is holistically an very un-Christian stance. Christianity has always been perceived as a spirituality of compassion and understanding, and this song contradicts that in the very first verse.
7. Thrive - Another lovely ballad about spiritual re-invention. Nothing new. I am beginning to wonder if Switchfoot as produced anything truly "new" since 2004.
8. Dark Horses - At least this song is musically exciting. I wouldn't mind learning this on guitar. In fact, I actually like this song. Yeah, it's uplifting and about revolution and about spiritual re-invention, but it's presented in such a way that I don't want to punch anyone in the face. Good job.
9. Souvenirs - This song is probably the best song on the album because it's not general. Switchfoot isn't trying to take this transcendentalist viewpoint on spiritual revolution. This is a personal song. It's real. It's about love and loss. A listener can relate to it on a very personal level, but it's still only the speaker's message. If Switchfoot could do this for a few more tracks, I might like them. But alas.
10. Rise Above It - On the whole, aside from the energetic music, this song is entirely uninteresting. See tracks 1-5 and 7.
11. Vice Verse - This is a song about being human. Such a new concept about for Switchfoot. Very Emersonian....lame.
12. Where I Belong - This song is seven minutes long. I love the music, so I just ignore everything else. I mean, the message is fine...but it's basically a repeat of this entire album. Nothing remarkable.

I mean, it's not like I hate this album. I like a lot of the songs, but they shouldn't all be on the same album. They all say the same thing over and over. And it's boring. I am tired of hearing about spiritual awakening from Switchfoot. That's all they every talk about. And if I weren't a Christian, I have a hard time believing that I would find anything worthwhile in with this band. As it stands, I feel like I am being preached to. That's not cool. If I wanted that, I would listen to worship music. I mean, they aren't musically interesting or lyrically clever enough to get away with it like Relient K. Their lyrical concepts kind of sound like a broken record. I just wish they would branch out and stop trying to be uplifting, and just write music. Write songs they personally believe in, rather than promote general, transcendental Christian ideals. It's getting really old.

Thoughts

Ten minutes ago, I just realized that my dorm window overlooks the lake on campus. I looked out my window and literally froze. All I could see was green lake and the trees with their orange leaves.

Today, it's cold. Fall cold. And it's cloudy, but still bright.

Looking out the window, I thought, "My life is awesome. Life is beautiful. Everything is beautiful."

On the way back to my dorm this morning (pre-lake revelation), I realized that I could have a pretty nice normal life, but I don't want one. I refuse to live an average life. I refuse it.

So when I saw the lake, when I saw the beauty there, I realized I was making the right choice.

Retro-Blog

Had a dream

Woke up

Remembered the dream

Thought about it

Wanted it

Then

I realized it was just a dream.

Never going to happen

Never ever

Never again.

Thought about it some more

Remembered more

Past the dream

Into memories

I smiled

Then

I realized that's all was.

You're a casualty

You're over

You're done.

I realized that I these are my hardships.

Point A to Point B

I wish Meredith Grey would narrate my life too.

---

Point A to Point B

That's essentially what life is. We all want to get from Point A to Point B. It can be specific or overly broad. The points can change, but they are always there. And how you get from each point is where your story is written. That's why you can only see things clearly in retrospect, because it's after you have reached a Point B. Then you are allowed to see what was written about you along the way. It's quite an interesting system.

---

Some of you may have noticed a horribly written short story on my Facebook page. Basically, I needed to write a short story and Glee's version of Don't Stop Believing came on and I just went with it.

Funny thing about that story though. The female lead, Lisa, doesn't really have any business thinking that she would be a successful actress in any way. All she has is a feeling. Now, in the context of the story, it's hilarious. She's just like any female lead of any iconic 80's film and it ties in with the song Don't Stop Believing.

However.

As it applies to my life....and I hate to admit this, but all I have is a feeling. This inherent feeling that I am meant, made, to succeed. I know that sounds stupid. I know it is stupid. But it's what I have and it's what drives me. And I can't stop thinking about it. About how I am going to back this feeling up. About where this feeling will take me. And I am so terrified. But I can't find it in me to back down.

From Point A to Point B, I guess.

Fighting Cold Feet

It's so hard to connect your future with what you want; to make sure they line up. It's so hard and that's why whenever you tell someone what you want in your future, they usually try to tell you how unlikely it is, rather than try to encourage you or even listen for that matter.

It's also why most people give up on what they want and just let the future happen. Then, if they end up happy, they say it was luck or a blessing or the will of God.

At some point in life, you have to choose. You have to commit and decided that what you want is what you really want for your future. It's true: You make your own destiny, forge your own path, no one can do that but you--but you have to commit to that destiny.

This is where I am.

I have done all of the ground work. I have done all of the soul-searching. I know what I want. I can see the future that includes what I want. It's clear as day. Now I have to commit to it; I have to marry it. This destiny that I want has to now become as much a part of me as a spouse would. For better or worse and in sickness and in health.

It's only going to get harder from here: More expensive, more demanding, more cutthroat, but also more enlightening, more fulfilling, and more rewarding. If I commit, and get down the proverbial aisle, it will be worth it--I know that--but I have to get there first.

I was mistaken before. Now comes the hard part. Keeping faith.

Anti-Trust

You better not play me. Not after all I've done for you. Not after all we both promised.

---

I've never been so disappointed in my life.

---

I want to play guitar all of the time.

---

You'll hear about Bragron in four years. Mark my words. Be sure to track the tag.

Here's The Thing About College

NOTE: This blogpost is for my Writing for Electronic Media class, so it may be a little different from the rest of this blog.

Here's the thing about college: It's stupid expensive.

I don't really understand why it's so expensive, but I do know that the expense is not relative. The cost of an American college education is far more expensive than, say, a Canadian college education. What's worse is the value of a colleged education is decreasing exponentially. Today's bachlor's degree is the high school diploma of fifty years ago--it's practically expected if you want to make any sort of decent living.

So if somebody wants to do more than just make a decent living, additional college is required. I mean, it's been practically a given since I started college, that in order to be really successful, I am going to have to go to grad school. Just chalk up another fifty grand or so to my student debt.

Naturally, the idea that colleges are going to start basing admission on a student's ability to pay is kind of frustrating. I mean, if a kid works their ass off to meet all of the admission requirements and get the good grades, they should get in. It shouldn't matter if the student is poor. Brains over Brawn/Financial Stability, right?

However, economic hardship is relative. I mean, I guess it's understandable that colleges would want to get away from admitting students who are less likely to keep up their end of the bargain. A college is a business too--they need to pay the bills.

I guess it's our own fault though. This is America--the shining example of capitalism. Money gets you everywhere and charity is rare. If you want something, you have to work for it. And I guess in the case of college, "work for it" will now also have to include three part time jobs as well as exemplary grades and involvment in extracuriculars. Good luck Class of 2013.

My Life.

It's completely and totally unbelievable.

And yet, I knew all of this was coming.

Everything that happens, I predict.

But it's still all too much.

Back at Seattle Grace

Netflix FINALLY added season seven, so I may actually try to catch up. I don't know how that would work though.

That ending theme though. It's really getting to me. I mean, I haven't heard it in roughly seven months and I'm feeling really weird about it. I feel like I should be texting Vishal 24/7 and blogging about my broken heart. I feel like I should being doing French homework while waiting for Kellan to get on Facebook. I feel like I should be wearing flannel. I feel like there should be snow on the ground.

But none of those things are happening right now. I mean, I don't think Vishal would be particularly opposed to me texting him 24/7, but we just aren't like that anymore. I don't have a broken heart, so I can't blog about it. I will never have French homework ever again, and if I want to talk to Kellan I can just text him. Flannel weather is coming, but it's not here yet, and I really am not ready for snow.

I feel like a completely different person.

I still love Grey's Anatomy. But now I also like Glee. And Xena. And Supernatural (I admit it). It's weird how a sound can bring you back in time. I remember exactly how I felt. It's like muscle memory. However, I can't feel that way anymore. Meredith and Christina still manage to verbalize things that I am thinking, but I don't think it's in the same way. I happy now. I wasn't then. Not really. Yeah, things could be better. Yeah, I still have shit I have to take care of--but it will take care of itself eventually. I just have to let it. Stop meddling, you know?

As long as I keep living life like this, things will work out.

See, I am already looking back and seeing how foolish I was. Progress.

When, Not If

It's pretty funny. I'm doing everything "right". I'm working my ass off to graduate early. I'm taking pride in all of my classes. I am working hard to learn outside of my classes. I am taking life by the horns, so to speak--all the while knowing that the only thing I am racing to is unemployment. I mean, I know what I want to do, but despite all my best laid plans, odds are in favor of me living with my parents for years to come. Now, there is nothing wrong with that. I love my parents. But.

Ideally, it would be great if I could land an internship through impressing my WEM professor. However, even though I am doing perfectly fine in the class, I feel like I am floundering. I feel like I am brown-nosing more than impressing. I don't think that's what I am actually doing, but that's how I feel.

The next course of action would be to write something of consequence and get published. Once I finish something, I will get back to you on that.

This feeds into my plan of going to grad school. So...who knows if that will happen.

At this point, I refuse to teach. Those who can't do, teach. Well, I need to do.

So this leaves everything to chance. I don't particularly like that idea, but it seems to be my best bet. Having this all laid out in text is scary. I mean, I am well aware that my career choice is questionable at best, but seeing it is hard. The only reassurance I have is the fact that even though I am scared out of my mind, I feel in my heart of hearts, in my bones, in my soul, that this is, in fact, right.

When, not if. That type of thing.

Fighting this conviction is what got me down in the first place. You can't fight who you are and you can't fight what you are meant to do. One way or another, the truth will make itself known.

One could argue that this is an impractical way of thinking; that I am idealizing life. I tell you now, I am not. If I were, this fear would not exist. I would not second-guess myself as much as I am. I would not acknowledge how ridiculous I sound.

Everyone I know has done what was "practical" first. Sometimes that worked out and sometimes it didn't. I have to believe that they are happy. However, I am seeming to do the impractical first and that almost goes against every grain of my being. So, I am trying to be practical about being impractical and it is very strange. Maybe I will fall on my ass, but I am hoping that I land on my feet.

Here At Last

Remember when all my posts talked about how I felt like I was on the brink of something huge--like the beginning of everything, finally and truly living?

Well, now I know what it feels like.

I'm alive. Life is here. Life is fantastic.

Unintentionally Surviving

I just feel like being reflective today.

It has literally nothing to do with the date. I feel bad because I know this day is supposed to be a solemn thing. I know we are supposed to be reflecting on what we were doing and where we were when it happened. Sure, I can tell you exactly where I was and what I was doing and how absolutely ignorant I was of what was going on. I knew nothing. I was nine. And for that reason, I feel quite torn about the whole thing. That day did not affect me then. Even after I watched news special after news special, it did not affect me. Because I was nine, and I knew nothing different. I figured that sometimes in life really shitty things happen because logically life can't be great all the time. And everyone told me that world peace was something to strive for, not something that actually existed. This was just that being demonstrated for me.

The only time I get emotional about the actual event is when I think about how much pain all of those people in the buildings must have been in. How scared and hurt they must have been in their final moments. How some of them had to choose between burning alive and jumping off of a building and how they were probably envious of those who did not need to make that choice, but were rather killed immediately. That fills me with grief. However, in order to truly feel that grief, I have to take myself to a place in my mind that I am quite confident none of those victims would want me to go. So, overall, I feel quite disconnected from 9/11. I suppose that seems odd, considering it has affected the latter half of my life thus far and will continue to do so as I age. But as I said earlier, I know nothing different. In this way, I suppose I am fortunate.

My only connection to this date is the fact that one of my close friends went to a war zone that is largely forgotten because of this event. He risked his life for a purpose that has now been so distorted, I doubt anyone can clearly see the conflict. Of course, that doesn't matter. My friend, he still went, and thankfully he came back. But now he's seen things that people aren't supposed to see.

I didn't start caring about any of this until he was involved. I did not care about a ten year conflict until six months ago. I freely said that the entire conflict in the Middle-East was misguided and pointless. Even though I still think that is partly true, I can't say it anymore because that would mean that my friend went over there for nothing, that he was permanently changed for nothing. I don't believe that. So my beliefs are contradictory. What else is new?

And yet last night, I watched Supernatural with Ashley for a few hours and laughed. Today, I got up (long passed the moment of silence) and got my favorite sandwich from the Commons for breakfast. Then Ash, Jen and I counted out change so we could buy ice cream. As I ate, I realized that I was truly happy with my life again. Then I called my mom and told her how horrible our half-time performance was last night. And I spent a couple of hours trying to get Windows back on Jen's netbook. As I write, Bon Iver is playing in the background. I can't decide if I am going to play guitar or start Final Fantasy VIII after I finish this post. My life is so simple and happy.

How can I reconcile this with the guilt I feel because of what day it is? I feel like I shouldn't be happy today. Like that's disrespectful. Like that's insulting to all of those people and their pain.

But those people died. And many people have died because of them since then. Many people have changed their lives and lost their lives so those lost on this date ten years ago would not be in vain. And I am living my life, happy, just like all of those lost would have hoped to be living if they were still alive. There is nothing wrong with that. There is nothing wrong with living today. I am quite confident that all of those lost on this date ten years ago would gladly be living today if they were in my position.

It is a strange thing to have survivor's guilt. Stranger still to have it since you were nine. I feel so guilty about today. And I truly have no idea why because I survived when I was never in danger. None of them were either. It just happened. Because world peace isn't real. Bad things happen in life. This is how it's always been. When I was nine, I came to terms with everything easily. I expected it even. But now, ten years later, it is as if I am seeing everything for the first time again. I know how I should feel, but I don't feel it, so I feel worse. I feel like something is wrong with me because I am having a normal life. Even though I know none of them would want me to feel like that. I know they would simply encourage me to live my life.

I know I said this had literally nothing to do with the date, but I guess I lied. I wanted to reflect on my life in general and how I am in such a great place right now, but I guess that tangled itself into the date too.

I am always confused on this date.

Bragron

Yeah, that would work. I would be so flattered. And I would laugh and laugh and laugh!

---

I really think my tumblr is going to end up affecting my future career. I need to clean it up...or at least tone it down. I just don't know. But right now I just really like everything. Can my future employers blame me?

---

Life is going swimmingly. It's going and things are good. I can't risk that right now.

---

JUST CALL ME. Let this make sense.

---

All and all, I couldn't be happier. I mean, I guess I could be. But...no...I would be a different happy. And I can't honestly say that it would have been better for me in the long run. I think this is the best way things can be right now. I'm motivated and I'm grounded.

Swagron

Blog, blog, blog!

It's been awhile. (ish)

Feeling pretty good. You know. Classes started today. I only had two along with band, so I pretty much felt like I did nothing today. Tomorrow, however, I have four classes. We'll see what happens there.

My hands are freezing and I don't know why. My fingertips are numb. Weird stuff going on.

I don't know why, but I felt pretty badass today.

---

I'm trying really hard to be practical about everything, but the truth is that I've chosen a path that isn't practical. It's scoff-worthy, I know that. Don't you think I know that? But I only have one life, and I only want to do what I want to do with it. I can't afford to pretend that I would be happy with anything else. If it works out, great, I'll be able to say, "I told you so," even though I won't. If it doesn't work out, at least I won't be asking "What if?"

---

"You aren't supposed to know that."

Of course not. Because if I know anything, I will use that information for malicious and devious purposes. Give me a break.

I think perspective would be really useful here.

---

I want a tattoo.

I want one really bad.

Prose

And today, I said to myself, I said, "My life is changing. Not like life isn't always changing or anything, but today I know my life is changing. It has been for awhile, and I acted like I knew it, but I really had no clue."

I looked up at the sky last night and I said, "Thanks, that was nice."

I laid in bed two nights ago and said, "God help me, I don't know where you are taking me, but it feels right."

And when I took up my guitar today and sang from my heart, in that moment I knew, all I have to do is reach out.

Is it a problem that I reach out for you? Is it a problem? I need to know. Because like I said, my life is changing, I don't think I can afford for this to be a problem. You are either in or out.

My head is screwed on straight again.

My path is clear because it doesn't exist. There are no steps to take. Just me, and my steps--forging ahead, like I was always made to do.

Rugged

I needed that vacation. I really, truly did. I needed everyone within an arm's reach. When that happens, I feel like anything is possible. That's what I need to feel right now more than anything. I need to feel unstoppable.

I've got big decisions coming up. The next nine months are going to fly by and at the end, I will need to be prepared to take some steps in whatever direction I need to go.

If you always play it safe, you never get where you really wanted to go. You may be happy, but you will always have regrets.

I am slowly realizing that there is no such thing as playing it safe in my life. I want what I want and that's not going to change. Keep going though the rocks be rugged, and keep going through the rocks--be rugged. That is now my motto. The whole thing.

I am going to be rugged through the rugged rugged rocks.

---

On a side note, I'm pretty sure I was forbidden to blog more than once a week. This sucks.

"One day I will make something I can be proud of."

That's what I say to myself as self-motivation. I intended to only post the one line, but then I realized I already did this. I published a yearbook.

Part of me feels really lost, but then part of me feels like I am finally on track again.

How do I go about this?

I just want to be thrown into a strange city with strange people and see if I can find a place there. Two years ago, I was sure I could do it. I want to see if I still can. I want to see if I still got it.

Maybe that's the problem--I am too comfortable here. It's like laying in bed for three weeks straight; eventually you really just want to get up and run around the house.

Lightning, please strike.

So, I amend my motivational statement.

One day, I will look back on these days and think: If only I had known what was waiting around the corner.

Presumption

Sometimes things just hit you in the face. They hit you hard. And afterwards, no matter what you do, no matter what needs to be done, you can't stop thinking about that feeling. That smack in the face makes you realize things you never wanted to realize. It's like hard lighting - sure, you can see everything, but nothing looks pretty, nothing looks as it should, and that is because it is as it is.

It's simple and far too complex to understand at the same time.

I have made many mistakes in this life. It might not look that way to some, but it is one truth among an ever-dwindling few. These mistakes have been thrown under hard lighting and I now see everything as it is. Just like I saw the full bottle of green sprinkles, sitting next to the nearly empty bottle of orange sprinkles as I got out the baking powder today. Just as I saw myself desperately try to ignore them. And that's when I knew, when I really knew, that I wasn't dealing with this.

I drew comparisons that should have never been made and I still do that every moment of every day. My life is a list of comparisons. Like mathematical equations, but without numbers. I am not okay with all of the things I will never be able to call my own. All the memories I will never be able to make. And I want all of that to amount to something. I want it to count for something in this life.

For months, I tried to force it into my work. I tried to make it fuel my passion. All of my dissatisfaction was supposed to lay the foundation to the rest of my life. That's how artists work, right? All of it was supposed to be justified in my work. Boy, did I try to justify it.

It is ridiculous to even verbalize it all. The magnitude of the event does not match the magnitude of my aftermath. But, I've never really been good with proportions. So this hard light is painful even here, in this ambiguous prose.

I continued to run from all of this for so long, even after I said, no, proclaimed, I was finished. I said I was done, but I was only trying to throw you off my trail.

To be clear, I was running from two things: The heart I broke and my failure to pour my own heart into something that would explain why I broke it. Other than, of course, simply being an idiot. Everything else (read: my lack of passion and my bitterness towards the fact that my life will never be normal) was all ready there. It just added to all of it. This was all very clear, I trust?

Oddly enough, while I was running and hiding from this and a many other things, I discovered something. A beautiful story. It said everything I wanted to say. At first, I made comparisons, naturally. I saw my own tale of love and heartbreak here. But this story was beautiful. Too beautiful to be mine. I realized I wasn't that lucky. That I would never be that lucky. And that is when the spotlight hit me and everything around me.

I have lived much longer than a single year, and yet I let a single year rule me. It is insanity, I know, but I cannot declare some new way of living quite yet. I know only a few things happened in this single year--not enough to make or break a lifetime. I know there is not enough in this single year, in particular, to make my story. I should stop trying to force it. That doesn't mean I am going to though. If I were really to pick a single year to draw from, it would probably behoove me to pick this current one. But that is presumptuous.

My life is not story-worthy yet. I have lived through more things than most, but I cannot bear the sight of them outside of my heart own heart yet. I am not ready for that.

Until then, I will take my place as a conduit. I want to show the world the beauty I have found. I did not make it. I have not made anything like it in the least. I could hardly say that I have thought something like it. And, as far as I am concerned, that's perfectly fine. I only hope that one day I will be lucky enough to share it. But that is also presumptuous.

While I was so busy running, I should have asked for directions.

Exhausting

Today was simply exhausting. I don't think it was every supposed to be, but it was.

My mother and I had every intention of going up to Lindenwood to do early check-in, but we had some bugs to work out first. America decided I no longer needed one of my loans this year, whatever reason. I also realized that I really was being charged for my overload courses and that sucks. Both of these financial changes ultimately doubled my out-of-pocket cost, which naturally alarmed my mother quite a bit. So we put the early check-in on pause and decided to figure some stuff out.

First, we tackled the merit of doing overload courses this semester. In order to do that, we had to figure out the earliest I could feasibly graduate. In order to do that, we had to figure out what my actual degree was going to be. Everything kind of built on itself.

From 10:30 to 4, we waded through course catalogues, transcripts, and class schedules, read major and minor requirements, and tried all different kinds of combinations of numbers, trying desperately to get them to add up to 128 at the soonest possible date. Finally, we got everything to fit reasonably well. I will graduate at the end of the Fall 2012 semester, a year and a half early. Yes, it's a semester later than I would like, and yes, I really only have one required class that semester. However, I do get to take more film classes, and I get to graduate with a BA in English with an emphasis in Creative Writing, a Minor in English Literature, and a writing certificate (a.k.a a "You write pretty good" certificate).

And that, how they say, is that.

In other news, my dog slept all day. He's sleeping now, in fact.

Trivial Encounters

Haha, it makes me laugh so much. This is perfect. It's the perfect story to tell years later when it's all inconsequential. It's further motivation to make it inconsequential. I want to make my life consequential. I want to tell people stories for the rest of my life. I want to make things for the rest of my life. I want to do this. I've always wanted to do this. So why am I having such a hard time believing that I can?

It's always been, "When I meet So-and-So," not "If I meet So-and-So".

I've always believed that. It's been inscribed in my very being. "I will be somebody," has been the driving force of my life since I could realize what it meant to be somebody.

So all of this uncertainty and failure and pessimism is just fear.

I am poised to really make something of myself. I could graduate this year. I could be in graduate school by the next. I could do it. I need to stop being so afraid. Everyone who was ever anyone had to stop playing it safe at some point. I am almost there. So close I can taste it. So why am I shrinking away?

I can't afford to do that anymore.

So, I am done limiting myself to the one graduate program in the Midwest. I'm sorry, but Kelsey is right, a plane ride is a plane ride, no matter where you're coming from. I'm going to be poor. I'm going to be far away from home. And I'm going to be okay with it. Because that's what it takes. And that's all there is.

Year From Then

I wouldn't take back anything I said then. I know everything I felt was real and right. I know we were right. I wonder if you'll feel anything at all today. To be honest, I thought I would feel more.

I guess, contrary to what I believed, I haven't been disconnected this whole time. I've been fortifying all of it - learning the extent of the commitment I made. I feel strong today. Maybe not as bold as I was then, but I am just as solid.

I met you in the dark

With only a few matches.

You took my hand

And showed me the stars

You left when I wasn't looking

Taking all my matches too.

Then I had no choice

But to see the stars.

So I take this strength, this gift, you have given me. I accept it. Now I will use it to do what I have always been meant to do. You were part of the plan - just not as big of a part as I wanted you to be. No one is. It's only me now. Somehow I always knew it would be. I have a big heart, and I can't afford to give too much of it away - I was made to do so much more than care for you.

I used to see you from afar. Now, I can no longer afford to look. Soon, that's all you will be able to do.

A year already? I shall waste no more time.

Timing

I can't get enough of it. It's my favorite aspect of any performance. A well timed one-liner can make me laugh until I can't breathe. A well timed comeback can bring me to tears. I love timing. So much. Oh so much.

Time, Time, Time

It's time for me to stop kidding myself. It's time for me stop getting myself down. And I have to do both of those things at the simultaneously because it's time for me.

---

I think with a song in my head. Moments have music. But those moments also have a script and I follow it because I'm an actress, because I'm a fraud, because I'm a liar. A good liar.

It's time to use this script and my lying for something good. Time to make a lesson plan for someone else to learn from.

It's time for me to finally gain control over this voice coursing through me, these scenes behind my eyelids. It's time for me to stop talking to myself and start making others say the words.

This is it, my time. It's do or die. I'm not going to die, so look at the only choice.

---

And when you all return, you will not recognize the woman you left.

Daily Posting

I blog every day. It's pretty ridiculous. I am actually partly ashamed of it. But I think it helps with the whole overthinking problem I have.

---

I need to defrag my computer. The start-up time is dismal.

---

Either this is going to happen, or it isn't. And either way, I am going to be fine. I write two-page drabbles that are like magic, but once I go beyond that...everything is forced. I wonder if I will every be focused enough to complete anything. Probably not.

I'm trying to scale down, which is why I've gotten really interested in short films. I guess I should work to out-grow that medium before anything else. So hard. I need to do this. I need to do something. But what do I want to say?

Trying

So hard not to feel this way. This is over and done with and there is nothing left to talk about because it's been almost a week. But it just hit me really that they were brought together and it was entertaining for you all. It was all laughs and smiles (albeit awkward ones). That was allowed.

Like I said, I'm trying really hard not to feel this because I know all it will do is set me back. I know it is the only thing holding me back. But it's not even about the event anymore, guys. Not at all. That ship has sailed. It's about the aftermath. Now I know all of this stems from the aftermath.

---

Very, very tired.

Destroyed my Chemistry test, fyi.

Went out to dinner with Mom. We need to get out more....hahaha....

I suppose I will storyboard tomorrow, whilst watching XENA!!!! I'm on the final season now and it's kind of bittersweet. Not unlike The Bitter Suite. (Inside joke with the Xena Fandom.....I suck.)

I want to have people over.

People, come over.

---

He looks to me to be in heaven,

that man who sit across from you

and listens near you to your soft speaking,

your laughing lovely: that I vow,

makes the heart leap in my breast;

for watching you a moment, speech fails me,

my tongue is paralysed, at once

a light fire runs beneath my skin,

my eyes are blinded, and my ears drumming,

the sweat pours down me, and I shake

all over, sallower than grass:

I feel as if I'm not far off from dying.

But no thing is too hard to bear;

for [God can make] the poor man [rich,

or bring to nothing heaven-high fortune.]

--Sappho

A Bunch of Dead Ends

Rip out your summer heart because it's time to get a new one.

Clean out your sun-kissed veins because they are clogging up your limbs.

I don't know what that means exactly. I just know it was the first thing to my mind when I started typing.

Clearly, this - what I have been working on for the past four months - is not going anywhere. Clearly, you are not ready and there is a huge chance that you will never be ready. Clearly.

---

I just have to write. That's all that is left.

For Continuity's Sake

Remember how I said I was tired at a reasonable time last night, and that I would probably go to bed at a relatively decent hour?

Well.

That didn't work out because I had to stay up with J.C. all night. Now I am completely back on a night schedule.

That's not what I wanted, mister!

Also, I have to take a chem test this week. I am going to die.

This is Weird

It is just after ten and I feel tired. It's almost as if I could go to bed...right now? I mean, what? Perhaps I'll only watch one episode of Xena and then I will go to bed.....maybe two.

---

Yesterday was also weird. It was way too much like that first night. That first random night that pretty much started everything. I will monitor this situation closely. Although, I only fear freaking myself out more than anything.

---

I will stand by what I said today: If people wanted to actually work stuff out, then they would work it out. At this point, I can literally go either way.

On a side note: I kind of felt like I was swimming upstream today. I could get used to it.

It Has Been Awhile

Sorry, folks, about not posting here in awhile. However, I sincerely doubt any of you were waiting with baited breath! Haha! I just wanted to share a post from one of my favorite blogs. I don't care what this looks like to any of you. The point is that this is what being good is all about. It's the little things. It's from where you don't expect it. This blog makes me laugh a lot of the time because most of the time it's pretty funny. Sometimes it gets a little raunchy, but I can deal. And sometimes it makes me feel like people are generally good, and that there is hope for life. I know that sounds hokey to some of you, and that's fine, but this is what this is for me. (Click the word "post" above and it will take you right to it.^^^)

YES

FOOTLOSE - Xena: Warrior Princess Editon

It's pretty much the best thing ever.

I Blog Too Much

So my fantastic friend and fellow blogger, Vishal, recently posted about good ole' times. Well, kinda. His title is what really got me. "Let's Do The Time Warp". I know, I know, it's from Rocky Horror Picture Show, but you know what I think of? My first year of high school (specifically the end) and my first Renaissance Assembly. God, I had such an amazing time. Of course, I didn't really think about the amazing time at the time. My mind was just sort of blown. I was a totally different person. I approached everything differently - from people to my future. I just saw it all so differently. I basically assumed that the world was mine for the taking.

Why did that change? I don't know. I need to be as confident and as optimistic - at least in myself.

Here we go. Time to amp it up, time to actually put my money where my mouth is.

Yes. :)

The world is only what you mold it into.

And you can be forgiven, regardless of your crimes as long as you want it.

Good can come from everything as long as you don't let hate take control.

As long as you have love, and you let it guide you, you will be alright.

(All things I've learned from Xena....haha. Perfect.)

Sure

I don't understand why producers and scriptwriters think it's totally okay to follow the most serious, dark, and dramatic episode of a series with Acid Trip: The Musical.

Like....WTF?

Preoccupied

The party today was pretty fun. Jen is right - Renee does look like Gaga. And I don't know what Charlie was talking about because the cupcakes were lovely. Haha, but I don't think I will be putting on "my trunks" anytime soon.....haha

Family, you know? :)

---

So, I finally found our television parallel (a year too late). Don't laugh....that much.

Xena and Gabrielle

It would have been a perfect fit. But now, knowing what I know about myself and about you, it's inappropriate.

The show is still good though, in a corny-90s television-kind of way.

---

YOU GUYS, THIS SUCKS. After ending our last conversation (blogged about below) rather abruptly, I have YET to talk to Kellan. I am really going insane here. It's kind of like that time in seventh grade when he left to El Paso (sp?), Texas to visit his Dad for Christmas early (OR SOMETHING, I don't remember exactly, it was six years ago and I was very distraught). He left about a week early and I assumed the worse: Either he died or he moved away without telling me. Half of me was angry and the other half was mortified.

Yeah, it's like that but approximately 7418529637418529637589456123 TIMES WORSE.

Sure, you can try to tell me that there is a perfectly logical and non-lethal reason for him not being able to communicate with me, but HELLO - I have Ruschenberg blood running through my veins. I will worry, and I will continue to worry until I have proof he is alive and well. Telling me not to worry just sounds like ignoring the fact that there is a reason to worry--regardless of whether or not I blow it out of proportion.

To try to cope, my mind does one of two things.
1. Retreats to past memories - I'm talking 2005 here
2. Propels into possible positive future situations

I am sure that both are unhealthy in their own ways.

The future situations are kind of like those dreams I've been having in that they are so convincing. In full on state of catharsis, I believe that this is my future - not a possible future. It's almost as bad as when I was 12, guys.

But then again, there was a certain beauty about being twelve. At least, that is what I have come to realize. When I was twelve, I was going to be a rockstar and I was going to write a book by the age of fifteen that was going to be so good Oprah would want me on her show. When I was twelve, I thought I had met my soulmate - I believed in soulmates, no question - and he was my best friend too. So cool. And it wasn't just about me. When I was twelve, Jordan was going to be an accomplished pianist when he grew up. Rory and I were going to be in a band together. Kelsey was going to be in the Olympics, Tara was this really amazing singer who secretly liked that genius, Ryan Carpenter, and Laura was going to be an amazing artist, and why in God's name would Karlee ever pursue a career other than being a vet?

This was my past, present, and future according to me when I was twelve. Everything was only a matter of time.

But now I'm smarter than that, right? How many people hold onto the futures they set for themselves when they are twelve? Not many. That's only practical - things change, people change, opportunities come and go - life just happens, you know? And we adjust. The futures we set for ourselves at any age evolve and adapt to what happens in Life. Through it all, a path is cleared, and that is your life. Call it Fate, call it God, call it the Force, it doesn't matter. What matters is, that at some point or another, you get to a point and you know that this is your life. At that moment of revelation, the important thing is that you are happy where you have ended up.

Okay, so go back to Life According to Natalie at Twelve. Go through and see how many of those possible futures are still valid. Some are. And of those that aren't, it's not like that many of them were ridiculous. Personally, I don't see how I am any better than how I was at twelve. In fact, I would say that I am worse off. Now, if you ask me what I want for myself, I say that I want to end up employed. Soulmates exist, but I don't know if that applies to me. In regards to anyone else, all I can say is that I hope that they end up happy. Not even happy, but content enough not to consider themselves unhappy.

At least at twelve, I was confident and articulate. At twelve, I wasn't afraid of Life at all - it could only hold great things for me.

Yeah, Life at Twelve was unrealistic, but it was still good. In Life at Twelve, it was only a matter of time before everyone ended up happy. The eventual path that cleared could only lead to happiness. And I really think whether or not those possible futures happened or not made that much of difference. I just knew that at the time, that's what would make everyone happy, so that's what hoped and prayed for, and eventually that is what I believed in.

So I guess what I am trying to get to is why I am afraid to believe that I could possibly end up happy. Why is it bad that I am believing in Life at Twelve (at least in regards to me) again? Why do I feel like that is wrong or stupid? What's wrong with it?

It's so scary. That's what it is. It's freaking scary. Now, at nineteen, Life is scary. And I can't really tell whether or not I was young and blind at twelve or if I just have my blinders on now. Does living make you wise, or stupid?

Right now, I guess, I'm just worried. Yeah, worried and scared. The path seems clear, but there is a lot of underbrush to clear away first.

Slumberland is a Labyrinth

I hate when I have dreams that are so real they trick me into believing that they are! I'll have some sort of revelation that makes COMPLETE sense in the context of the dream and then I will wake up and continue to believe it for the first few hours of the day. At some point, I will basically wake up again and call that revelation into question. For the rest of the day I am fighting with myself to disregard my Slumberland revelation. Sometimes I don't end up succeeding. It's really frustrating!

I suppose it's my own fault though. If only I could decompress my thoughts.

I MEAN

So I was talking with Kellan, and it was going pretty well. He seemed in high spirits, you know? He was telling me how he wanted to "get beefy" or "beef up" and I was making fun of him. Then he was like: "I'm thinking of buying a OH SHIT WE GOTTA GO!!!!"

And I was "OKAY BYE!"

And he was like "LOVE YOU!!!"

And I was like "LOVE YOU TOO!!!!"

And...I mean, even though I am scared....it's still kind of funny.

BUT STILL SCARY.

Foolish

I need to stop being so foolish. This is not going to be easy. This is going to be hard. This is not going to just fall neatly in my lap. Some days, it is not going to be magic. Some days, you won't want to talk. And most importantly of all, there is a huge chance I am still wrong.

So instead of being foolish and acting all down in the dumps, I need to be practical. I have plenty of time anyhow.

89 more days, to be exact!

Summer Obsession 2011

So I watched the movie Kick-Ass last night. Freaking awesome. Thus sparking this year's summer obsession: Comic books and Comic book characters.

Yup.

True nerd.

However, I do plan to read a lot more this summer. Yay!

Words From the Wise

Mammy once said: "Life is too short to drink wine you don't like."
Or something to that effect anyway.

First, I agree. Why drink wine you don't like?

Second, I decided that life is too short to waste on people who don't make you smile.
I really don't know how to apply that though. My aim is to just spend time with people who make me smile A LOT.

In Case Anyone is Wondering

THE CAR CLIMATE SUCKS.

Do not, I repeat, DO NOT believe any of the commercials about prices being SUPER LOW right now. Because they aren't. Those SUPER LOW prices only apply to late model year gas guzzlers like Hummers and GTOs. However, older model years, regardless of mileage, are remaining the same. There are a few exceptions. Like foreign cars. But that's a completely different animal. GAH. I am operating under the assumption that I will need a car in August, so this just does not bode well for me at all.

---

Last night was fantastic. I want more of those.

From Here I Step

Into something much bigger than myself. Three promises I have made, and three promises I will keep. There is good here, but it is being choked.

What strength I must acquire, what faith I must embrace.

I take Your hand, and I pull myself up. This is my true life.

Stripped down and purged, I stand before You. As I hope every day that I will no longer falter. That I will no longer succumb.

What a marvelous gift.

Far From Home

I’ve got a bad taste in me
It’s like I’ve been robbed of something
I once was in my childhood memories
And it’s buried in sandboxes back where we used to see
The dreams could come true if believed
The sidewalks scream our names

We are so
Far from home
Far from home

I’ve got a bad pain in my heart
It’s like the first time that I looked in your eyes
The first time it all fall apart
And it’s buried in sandboxes back where we used to see
The dreams could come true if believed
The sidewalks scream our names

We are so
Far from home
Far from home

All I have is words
To which I’m a slave
I scribble them down
Hoping to save me
But I’m lost
I’m so lost

These pages will burn
And I’ll pass away
Yesterday’s gone
And I just can’t shake
The fact that I’m lost
I’m so lost

But now we are so far from home
Far from home

Now we are so far from home
Far from home

---

So many things I could say, but aside from apologizing for my mistakes, I think this sums it all up.

Everything is So Humorous

After you play Final Fantasy X (That's roman numeral 10, just fyi).

---

Why is everyone so sensitive to her, and so...well words fail me right now...not sensitive to me?

It's probably my main question. Because that's what gets me every time. Could I really have been so disposable?

No More To Say

By the grace of God, I am what I am.
[1 Cor 15:10]

Before Birth is Labor

I often feel like I am leading a completely different life. Like I have suffered a disassociative fuge or something. Especially when I line it all up. from 1991 to 2011, almost everything connects except for 2010. That year, I feel like it belongs to someone else. Sometimes I even feel like I stole it.

Or it was like a past life. An ancient time? A prehistoric civilization that reveals itself through the occasional discovery of a relic--A mix cd, a poem, a photograph. This is all made doubly strange by the fact that while I was experiencing this year removed, I was completely under the impression that my current life was the one that was ancient history.

I feel love for...something. Something I am not even sure ever existed. I remember the feeling, and I have memories, but I don't think they are real. People, places, conversations--they felt so real, and yet they are nothing. Nothing?

Now there is just a space in my time continuum, a rift. Like someone just took all of the related files and deleted them. And my only recourse is to occasionally rifle through the recycle bin.

---

I used to pretend he had died just to get through the day.

Now, as he is very much alive,

Must I do the same with you?

I see no other solution.

---

This girl who was in my Philosophy class last semester and my Chaucer and Advanced Writing and Research classes this semester did her final paper as an examination of pregnancy in Literature. She then had to do a presentation on the subject, and she brought up some really great points.

She said that everyone uses rebirth as this great device to illustrate a clean slate, or good things to come, or just different things. It's this big positive image, everyone uses it. However, what is not emphasized in this metaphor, but still indirectly serving the metaphor's purpose is the fact that before any birth can occur, there is labor and pain. While rebirth is this huge symbol for positive change, what is often forgotten is that change hurts.

In that moment, as she concluded her presentation with this point, I was in love with this girl because she was telling me exactly what I needed to hear. She was telling me, showing me, the justification I was looking for this entire semester. And it was so perfect because it was the last thing she said, and it was probably the last class we would ever have together, and it's the end of the semester. It was like a season finale, you know?

---

Would you want me when I'm not myself?
Wait it out while I am someone else?

And I, in time, will come around, come around
I always do for you

Suppose I said
You're my saving grace?

My grace
My self

I always thought this would apply to us one day. By always, I mean since the eight grade. It was practically quoted today and it felt familiar, but it took me awhile to remember. But I did. It's moments like these that make me love Life and God, and feel so blessed.

Piece of Cake

Yes, my title is in reference to CK's mixtape. It's a pretty decent album. DJ Trank is a beast.

---

One final down, five to go--two of which aren't really finals.

---

Life Plan Adjustment: Graduating in December of 2012, rather than Spring. Then subbing the shit out of Fox C-6 and beefing up my portfolio.

To tell the truth, I'm not really sure what I'm going to be doing a month from now, much less a year. I don't know what this degree is going for. I just know that I need it. If I stop studying literature, if I take that out the equation, it's like taking half of me out of the equation. Okay, so I admit: I would be a kickass English teacher, but I am too ambitious for that. I want too much. If I study literature and then apply it to film maybe, just maybe, I could accomplish some of what I want.

And what do I want? To be comfortable. To be recognized as an authority. To be remembered.

In my last post I talked about transferring. Now I don't think that is such a good idea. This is a challenge. If I am truly so talented, I will overcome this. I will make greatness out of nothing. I will carve a place for myself out all of this. To leave would be to admit defeat. I don't think I am ready for that yet.

---

They are sooooooooooooooooooooo cute. It's ridiculous.

A Tegan and Sara Kind of Time

I am pretty dang sure Tegan and Sara can soundtrack my life now.

---

I need to talk to you face to face, but that won't be an option for quite some time. Until then, I will just have to figure out how to type faster. This mistake won't define you. And, to be honest, I am not even sure I would call it a mistake. But I can't be so sure about that part yet.

Mister, you are still good. You are doing good. Better days are ahead. Know this with every step you take.

---

I get to meet Iliya tomorrow. Finally. Haha.

Chalk one more up for Duality.

---

Just a thought: What if I transferred to Truman? Everyone seems to like it there.....

Then again, I would have to learn how to do laundry.

Then Again

I love how last night I was so confident. So resolved and absolute. Well, unless I get to talk to you, all of that confidence is going to disappear in the next few hours.

---

I don't want to bash, but this is like a no-brainer to me. The apple doesn't fall to far from the tree, you know? I'm pretty sure that we are diametrically opposed people. I want to say that I got this no problem, but that would be far too presumptuous.

---

A carwreck? I mean, come on. Salt in the wound, Jesus. Salt in the wound.

---

I am blogging because I can't focus on anything AT ALL.

I just want to talk this all out.

....

I am feeling confrontational tonight.

(I realize that this is contradictory to the first part of this post).

Don't Rush.

Turning Point

I realize that this is my third post in three days and that is lame, but I don't really care anymore.

---

I really don't know how to feel about what you said. What you said about her. I was going through your pictures to remind myself that you are, in fact, a real person and not just some phantom character I talk to on the internet--and I made myself take a good look at the pictures of you and her. I can't say anything about her, but I could see that you were happy. And that's when I realized that I didn't care about how I fit into anything, that I just wanted you to be happy. This doesn't have to be a movie.

And then, we got the chance to speak. While I had the full intention of approaching this differently, you said you hated her. How was I supposed to respond to that? Now, I hate her. And as much as this could mean something for me, I will not take pleasure in it. You certainly aren't.

Regardless...

I think we both know that this is a turning point.

---

What is a year?

What is thirty dollars?

It's a surprise.

I Fall On Deaf Ears

Constantly. Anything I say garners no response. Yet, if I yell or scream, I am over the top. Say you are distracted--I say you are detached. Or rather unattached.

---

This will make sense soon enough.

---

The semester ends in less than two weeks. Then I will officially be a college junior. I'm going to try to make senior before the summer ends. I can do it. I have to do it. If I stay here any longer, around you any longer, I will fail every expectation I have ever had for myself. I will fail myself. That cannot happen.

The Major Problem With My Studies

I get on my computer to, I don't know, type a paper, do some research, translate some French--you know, homework. Naturally, I check FB first. It's like checking email, okay? Usually, there isn't anything of importance anyway. BUT, if he is on, I have to talk to him.

I can't ignore him. What if he gets blown up tomorrow?

So instead of starting my homework, I spend an hour or so talking to him. He makes me laugh like you wouldn't believe. I hope I do the same for him.

He would be upset if he knew that I talked to him instead of doing homework, but...he'll never know. haha

---

If anyone reads this, keep my friend, Kellan J. Seiwert in your prayers.

Intermission

I am a firm believer in duality.

Therefore, several years from now, I will have to go there, walk up those steps, knock on that door--all the while reminding myself to breathe because fainting or gasping are not socially acceptable.

Therefore, while I wait for you to answer, I'll fiddle with the symbol, and then you'll answer, but you won't notice.

Therefore, you'll look at me suspiciously wondering how I knew you would be there, and I'll try to smile as I hand you something you should have picked out for me.

Therefore, when you comprehend what I say, you will breathe out the expected response, but you won't be able to hide the tone of astonishment and disappointment.

Therefore, I'll explain a little of what you missed, I will pause to look at you, and I will fight not to cry as I say goodbye.

Therefore, I will have to turn around, I will have to walk down those steps, and I will have to drive away--all the while reminding myself that I knew this long ago.

So I'm Pretty Sure

That I totally botched up my Shakespeare Paper.

Glover has really specific criteria for sources that I didn't realize until now. But he has to realize, there was NO literature on my topic. NONE. Hopefully, he doesn't pay that much attention to where I got my information.........but he probably will.

I am running into the same problem with my Chaucer paper. This is stupid. Just plain stupid. A source is a source and that is that. Except, apparently not.

---

Today was a good decision.

When Something Doesn't Make Sense

It's generally because the other half of it is hidden from view. Of course, you have no way of knowing this at the time and/or initial viewing. In any case, the only course of action is to wait and see if something comes into focus.

When that happens...a strange feeling that isn't quite satisfaction and isn't quite accomplishment washes over you.

---

All my life, I would have said that I knew you well.

Now, however, I am realizing that I do not.

Hello, my name is Natalie.

Will you let me be a part of your life?

I Decided To Use These Things Called "Paper" and "Pencil"

Somehow I found that a lot more satisfying. I mean, it may or may not be related to the fact that I didn't have internet access until late this morning, but I still think it was better.

Probably because I had to do it in my own handwriting. Ask anyone, it's pretty distinctive.

While I was actually writing it all out, committing it to the concrete paper format, I listened to every song that I had anything to do with it (because there was a soundtrack to it all) until my nose and eyes burned.

I'm not going to say that I let it all go. That is a skill I don't possess. And, ironically, that inadequacy is what healed me. Somehow, writing it out changed everything from "haunting" to...just memories. Good, powerful, important memories--but still just memories.

I have come to terms with my error and with its (however unproportional I consider them to be) repercussions. More importantly, I have come to terms with what this all means for me. I tell everyone to "own it"--to own your flaws and mistakes, and not to hide behind them. Now, this is my time to own it.

See...this just sounds like me whining again.

I suppose it always will.

But, I tell you all, this is different; I am different.

Typing, Typing, Typing

Sometimes blogs aren't enough.

Sometimes you just want to scream.

But then something else happens, and nothing else matters.

Jesus surmounted death, I can certainly surmount this.

Happy Easter

Running Out of Patience

I did a lot of thinking today.

I get shock, I get anger, I get confusion, I get frustration.

But I do not get how ANYONE could just stop caring.

It's really ironic that this is a principle conundrum in both situations currently occupying my life.

I also decided that...

I don't know. I am just lifting myself free of this burden.

You'll learn soon enough.

But you will grow to regret this because I will not forget this.

Sometimes things are just meant to be.

And sometimes they aren't.

Duality is the shit, you guys.

Despite What the Quote of the Day Says

People are not meant to stand alone. It's just not right. I think there is a movie with Hugh Grant and he says he is an island, or something like that. Well, that is bullshit. If anyone is an island, it is because they are A) Scared or B) Not that way by choice. Everyone is social. Everyone needs someone that they can go to and count on. And this someone can't just be anyone. It has to be someone who doesn't have to be there. Who could leave at anytime, but chooses to spend time with you. I often played this part.

In my head, I called myself a band-aid friend. I was created to be there for people when they needed someone, to get them through shit. And when the job is done, they rip me off. It happened all the time. And I was find with it because there was always someone else who needed a band-aid.

Well, now I need a band-aid.

Actually

There is no fucking point. How silly of me to believe that there was.

I would burn our history book if we had one.

I would demolish our heroic monument.

We are not something the world needs to remember

And the Lord knows, you just want to forget.

---

I am so done today. So freaking thankful that I don't have French tomorrow and that my research paper got moved back.

Decisions

Where You Are Concerned:

I'd rather shake hands and have you hold this over my head than go on with never speaking to you again.

But

Where You Are Concerned:

If it's what you want, I will cut it off. We can stop. I will stop pretending because I am better at it than you anyway.

---

Five months.

---

Should I call, should I write?

Do you wonder at night

If I'll ever try to fix this again?

Are you confused? Do you refuse

To let it all loose?

Does it alarm you that I have done what you asked?

To tell you the truth,

It alarms me too.

But now I'm tired,

And I want to pick this up again.

I Do Not Understand. Only You Understand.

"You called and You shouted, broke through my deafness. Now I'm breathing in and breathing out. I'm alive again. You shattered my darkness, washed away my blindness. Now I'm breathing in and breathing out. I'm alive again."

It hurts to hear this song and not see you beside me; smiling and laughing and full of joy.

It hurts to hear this song and remember how safe I felt; how overwhelmed with love and a sense of purpose I was. Everything made sense. Everything fit. I had all of Your power and might behind me. I didn't need to worry anymore because You had a task for me, and supplied me with everything and everyone I needed.

I don't know how I lost that feeling of safety. I don't know where it all went. Somehow, between then and now, I have lost everything. And that doesn't make sense.

I have only grown to love and need You more. Why must I start again? You are testing me again. Testing to see if I will rise to Your challenge. I will, that is not a question, but why must it hurt so much? I suppose I thought I knew pain, and now You are showing me what pain really is--what being alone really means.

I am Yours. Imbue me with Your purpose. Make me Your instrument.

But please, all I ask is that I don't do this alone. Give me some of it back. I know I don't deserve to ask anything of You, and I certainly don't deserve to have any of it back, but I can hardly take this anymore. I blindly put one foot in front of the other for You--please, shed some Light.

The World Is All Crazy Backwards

Or maybe it's forwards.

I dunno.

I'm going to go ahead and adopt my mom's policy of "Screw 'Em" for this situation. I'm willing to work with you guys here, but I think you just like a reason to be mad at me so....meh.

I had another weird dream. Hmm. I think I'll be fine. :)

YOU ROCK THAT BLUE SWEATER.

Hey There!

I just want to share some really great music with you all. Please check out (in no particular order):

Allison Weiss

Lauren Zettler

Jenny Owen Youngs

Field Mouse

Ingrid Michaelson

Bess Rogers

Lelia Broussard

The Age of Rockets

These are all artists/bands I have only recently become acquainted with and I have fallen head over heals for all of them! A lot of them offer free music downloads, so definitely take advantage of that!

The best part about all of these is that they are putting out music they want to put out for the most part completely independently. Bess Rogers, for example, is funding her next album release by FAN DONATION ALONE. She needs $15,000 and she's already gotten over $10,000. Does that not excite anyone else?

Sure these people (for the most part) aren't household names, they aren't headlining, but they are doing what they love. They are happy.

It's just so freaking inspiring. If I end up half as satisfied as any of them, I will consider it a blessing.

You Know What?

I feel amazing. Today is amazing. I'm pretty sure this week is going to be amazing and I really don't know why since nothing really has changed in my life. I woke up this morning and even though I was freezing and tired because I stayed up too late, I really felt good. And even though as I was opening my new coffee the coffee grounds exploded out on me and the sink, I still felt good. I got to Chaucer, and even though that annoying girl kept talking, I still made some pretty good points. And I got an 84 on my test!!!!!! French was French, which is always enjoyable and here I am now eating my lunch and getting ready for band. Ashley got in a car wreck, but she is fine and all the damage is to her car's bumper and it was the other guy's fault, so that's not so bad. I still feel great.

Wow, that was just a block of horribly written text. Way to be, English Major.

You know what, whatever.

Did you know that getting a MASTER'S at Columbia College Chicago is HALF the price (including housing) of getting a BA (not including housing)? I didn't either, at least not until recently. I am excited!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You know what else? I would be more than capable of completing that degree with my BA in English. I just have to build a portfolio....haha....

BUT STILL!

Life, you are going to be awesome, whether you want to be or not.

Also, I do not stand alone--Jesus is with me. :)

Masterful and Decadent Wasted

I have to stop.

Stop thinking

Stop remembering

Stop processing

It's not working

Nothing works

Nothing helps

Nothing heals

"You used to care when my fingers bled

And I told you not to fret

Now you look at me like you want me dead

Like you never once called me friend."

I'm thinking Cm, Em, Dm.

This just comes out.

These words that I only halfway want to say.

I got a new guitar and relearned almost every song I ever knew.

I read this article that scientists have discovered that when a relationship of any substance comes to an end, thoughts and memories about said relationship stimulate that same areas in the brain that are stimulated by actual physical pain. At first, I simply thought, "Well, this all makes sense now--how I am feeling makes sense." But then, later in the day I thought, "Wait, isn't that a two way street?" Therefore, you could be in pain too. I don't know how I feel about that. At first, I think that I want it to end for you. I want it to stop. But then I remember that you started it, and you could so easily make it stop for yourself.

Then:

"None of this is clean,

But I think that I need

More than the ice cold stare that you left with me."

Gm, Cm, Am, Dm

I dunno. Considering that isn't entirely accurate. It wasn't ice cold. It was curious. So confusing.

If you don't hate me, what do you think of me? Somehow, through all of this, I still think the world of both of you. Perhaps it's because I am crazy. I finally lost it.

I know that if you see this it won't do me any good.

I will wait--I will always wait--but I won't hold my breath.

I know my brain isn't working right.

---

"Hatred stirs up dissension, but love covers over all wrongs.” – Proverbs 10:12

“We love because he first loved us. If anyone says, “I love God,” yet hates his brother, he is a liar. For anyone who does not love his brother, whom he has seen, cannot love God, whom he has not seen.” – 1 John 4:19-20

I think my favorite part about these verses is where they were brought to my attention.

---

No more of this.

I call it quits.

Empty or Blank or Clear like Glass

Was I supposed to do something?
Or say something?

Considering that I don't know what is going on, I figure it's best just to stay quiet.

---

Miss you.

---

Ugh, now I feel like an ass for going to bed early and missing you! :(
My bad.

---

New guitar means new songs. :)

Test

This is a test of will.

I will not do this again.

I will not get ahead of myself.

I will take this all in stride.

I will love what I have only as it is.

---

You are a test of resolve.

I will stand by what I believe.

I will not fall into hate.

I will open myself to forgiveness.

I will continue to become myself.

---

It is a test of might.

I will do what I intend.

I will set the record straight.

I will stand in the light.

I will look you in the eye.

So Weird

I have been so tired lately--for absolutely no reason. For example, I went to bed at 1:30 last night and got up 9, BUT I just crashed into a coma from 5 to 6:30. I mean, what the heck? There is no reason I should feel that tired. I am angry with myself about this. Really angry.

---

To see you....would be absolutely amazing. But this works too.

But not really. haha

Light and airy, while everything around us isn't.

Is that how we work?

LIFE, you know?

This post's title is basically the mantra of my life.

---

It's good to know. I don't expect monologues. I don't expect soliloquies. So why would I expect more than to know?

Well, now I know, so it's just business as usual.

I'll tell you one thing: It's good to know that some friendships can overcome time, space, heartbreak and all else. Because some things are just meant to be. You and me being friends? Well, that is just one of those friendships.

And if all you want is for me to distract you from your surroundings, then, by God, that's what I will do. You can stand under my umbrella, you know?

I'm Not That Green

I'm not imagining things, but I am not going to call you out.

Look at me, agonizing over a decision I spent the majority of my life thinking I would never get to make.

Relapsing with Avril Lavigne.

THIS IS RIDICULOUS

It is. You get that, right? I mean, the first notes I took in my Chaucer notebook today had absolutely NOTHING to do with Chaucer. That's kind of a problem for me, considering I really like Chaucer and being a good student in Chaucer.

#chaucerChaucerCHAUCER

LIKE. It's kinda nice because all the poppy, punky songs I used to pretend applied to my life, now kinda do. BUT ON THE SAME COIN, they really shouldn't. I used to be an overly dramatic fifteen year old; my life should not be in the (relatively) same place at this point.

And I mean, SURE, I love television and film. And who hasn't, at one point or another, wanted their life to be as "exciting" as Grey's Anatomy or ...some other critically acclaimed television program even though you KNOW that it's so EXAGGERATED and totally NOT possible IRL.

Of course, everyone thinks that--UNTIL IT HAPPENS TO THEM. And of course, when life doesn't seem that great, they hope and pray that something will JUST HAPPEN to reiterate that you are, in fact, a living and breathing human being. But then whatever it is actually HAPPENS and you just want to scream. And you start to long for the days that the most exciting that that ever happened to you was making a good point in Chaucer.

I am all about progress, and destiny, and faith, and love, but this is all just too much for me. I was working on finally simplifying my life--getting comfortable with the fact that I might not have a movie based on my life--but it just so happens, that God coincidentally decided to throwme into an asteroid field without any updated charts, just to see how long I can last, at the exact same time. Yeah, it's just ridiculous.

I'm sorry. I would probably just enjoy this if I could forget about the little girl that is caught in the middle of all of this. Whatever comes of this directly affects her--much more so than it will ever affect me. Perhaps that is why I am so worried.

---

On a brighter note:

I made three good points in Chaucer, IN SPITE OF MY BRAIN EXPLOSION.

And I totally nailed my French test. I should just minor in it, damn it.

---

I know I said I wouldn't do this anymore, but it's times like these I really wish I could talk to you. But, don't worry, I know that's not going to happen.

Forward Motion

Playing guitar is changing my life in such a good way. Now if only I could remember the name of that band you told me about....dang it.

Pi Day is Monday. I did manage to find a Pi Day gig, so I am pretty pleased. Several actually. I just don't know if I can go to both.

I am looking towards this summer--towards seeing Chicago, and spending time with people who love me more often.

After talking with a wise, brown sage, I am looking forward to Spring Break as well.

When it comes down to it, I made myself miserable this whole time. Somewhere along the way, between trying to salvage what I could and letting go of what I couldn't, I let go of myself. It wasn't "The Family" who made me happy. I was naturally happy, but this transition made me forget that.

Well, no more. Time to go back to being me, and evolving that into who I am meant to be.

Let's Just Wait

And see what happens.

That's what I am going to do. I never do that. I never just wait and see about anything. There is always a plan of action. But I guess I've learned that plans of action or reaction don't really have any control over what God wants from you.

There is one thing I am going to try. It's big and it's impractical and it will probably never actually be finished, but it's the one thing I want to do--just for me. Just to see if I can do it. I don't care how cool it seems or what it could get me. I just want to see if I can do it. If, and only if, I succeed do I get revisit this.

In the meantime, I will be working towards a goal designed just for me. And I will be selfish. I will have impossible dreams. And that is allowed because it's only for me.

So, let's just wait and see what happens.

Clarity

I'm fine, really. I am living and breathing, so I am fine. This isn't what I wanted, but since when do people get what they want? People get what they need. It's just hard to believe that right now.

---

These words aren't meant to scathe. They really aren't meant for anything except for me to write. For me to say so they aren't in my head anymore.

---

Stupid Mr. Awesome doesn't want to work with the rest of the section because he doesn't want to risk losing his monopoly on the world's supply of Awesome. I hate Stupid Mr. Awesome.

Call Me Dr. Teddy Altman

I don't know what to do. I know that I have been flailing way too much for what actually happened, but it is what it is.

Maybe it's because I have met only two people that I really get, and that really get me.

(I suppose that sentence should be in the past-tense because both of those people are no longer parts of my life.)

Maybe I really do get closer than I intend to people. Maybe despite all my talk of being independent, maybe I am just more dependent than anyone else.

I am struggling to find my footing. To find the next step to take. I say I want something to happen, but I live in the past, so how can anything possibly progress? How can I expect that?

---

This weekend was really good.

It was really nice to see Karlee and Kelsey, and to meet Bridget and Carbon.

And ABR.....hahaha.

I felt good for the first time in a long time. I felt like me - kind of anyway. I didn't feel down. I just felt like this was all shit I was going to get through, and things were actually going to be better. It wasn't like every other night where I think of all the great things that will never happen, of all the things I did wrong, of all the mistakes I have made.

I was just me. And I had no reason to be ashamed of anything that I am or that I have done.

It was really nice.

Addison Shepherd.

Enough said.

---

Even if I wanted to

I couldn't walk away from you

Because the minute I did it

I would want to tell you all about it

I Need To Wake Up

You sent me away. That's it. Done deal. I have no further obligation to you. I have no right to want more from you. The deal was that I would be by your side until you sent me away. Now you did and I have to stand by that.

I feel that this heartbreak. This feeling that part of me is missing. Memories I have don't make sense anymore because the source no longer exists. I hear a voice, a laugh. I see a smile. But I cannot identify the person. Were they ever there? I am perplexed by this.

Can some stand in my corner? In that black hole of the past that I once called home, can someone speak for me? Is no one there to defend me? Haven't my good deeds outweighed my missteps?

I will not speak, if you do not. I will not try anymore.