Sick

I have a cold. For the first time in like......ten years, I have a cold. And my back/neck hurts.

---

So, I was thinking about having people for New Year's Eve for the soul purpose of seeing Colleen. But then I get a text from Vishal this morning (it was actually at around 10:45 last night, but I was already asleep because I have a cold) that he's having people over. I've never been to Vishal's house. Naturally, I have to attend. PLUS, Vishal is awesome.

However, now I have to devise another way to see Colleen. Lord, I miss her. So much.

If she read this, she would know.

But then she would know.

MIA

It's hard to imagine that it was only a few months ago when every song I ever heard always reminded me of you. I was convinced that you were all I ever needed. You were it.

It's still like that, except you won't talk to me. You won't trust me. We can't talk. It's not a broken heart. It's a missing heart.

---

And we were so convinced that we would be okay. That we were different than everyone else.

Guess not.

---

Today, while in the car to AL, I decided to soundtrack my movie (that I haven't written). I came to the conclusion that, instead of having a professional soundtrack it, I just want to reassemble the Seckman Dominance Program. Quartet, Jazz I, Symphonic Band. YOU KNOW.

Brett and Jordan will arrange the pieces.

If I need something modern, Rory can make in FL Studio.

Like, I'll have a few pop songs, but I'm not going to use a lot.

SO THERE.

This Day (Yesterday) Has Consisted Of...

Almost going to Seckman.

--Twice.

Getting really Angry at my phone.

Yelling at my phone.

Downloading FL Studio Demo....like 8 times.

Watching Tegan and Sara/Hayley Williams Interviews.

Downloading the Unlock Torrent....like 8 times.

Playing Pokemon Platinum.

Downloading two separate torrent viewers.

Restoring my computer.

Downloading a Harry Potter Theme for my computer.

Realizing that my computer has a huge problem because I have two program folders folders.

--Program Folders and Program Folders (x86)

I have no idea what that is.

But I don't like it.

And now I am blogging.

I realize that the reason why I had such trouble with the whole torrent thing is that right when downloading music and movies illegally was REALLY COOL and everybody learned how to do all of this, I did not have adequate internet, so there is a major learning curve there. But I'm working it out.

Stands With A Fist

Today was a decent day.

I went to David's Guitar Loft - Neat little guitar place in Fenton that I always pass but never go inside. WELL TODAY I DID. It's pretty cool. It's run by a husband and wife I'm pretty sure. And they have a dog. It's kind of ironic really.

I went to Target and got a new blouse and sweater for Family* Christmas. It was really exciting because I think I am finally defining a clothing style for myself.

Wow....that sound superficial....great.

I went to Khol's and SAW MONICA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <----This was obviously the highlight of my day.

That's it.

---

Eighteen months is not a long time. It will be here and gone before I know it.

I can't wait.

---

Still bored. Rockband/Movie Night needs to happen NOW.

---

*Family actually means Family+Vishal.

Look out! Blog Police! Haha!

The Blog Police told me I needed to blog. :)
I was planning on it anyway.

---

I love the movie Dances With Wolves. It is the only movie that my family can sit down and watch together. I mean, we watch other movies together. Like if we rent a movie to watch or something. But that's one time. My dad has seen this movie at least fifteen times. My mom and I have probably seen it about half that. My brother has seen it twice. It's a three hour movie (the extended edition is over four), but we love it.

And I guess it's probably part of the reason I want to get into film. I grew up watching one of the best movies out there.

---

I got an A in Philosophy of Religion. I am very pleased! My total GPA for this semester is a 3.83. If they don't let me take more than 18 hours next year, I am going to be pissed.

Why do I want to take more than 18 hours, you ask?
Well, remember my blogpost about graduating in 2012? In theory, I could do it. I could finish all my gen eds and all the major requirements in that time (by doing summer classes at Jeffco). However, LU (along with most universities) don't award a degree to you unless you complete at least 128 hours. No matter how I cut it, I'm 8 hours short.

But seriously. THAT'S NOT EVEN A SEMESTER'S WORTH OF CLASSES.

I know at MSU, they let Sarah Perry take extra hours if she got recommendation letters from former teachers backing up her academic awesomeness. I'm going to talk to my adviser (isn't that "advisor"? Spellcheck is saying that that is incorrect...) about it. I mean, if I have 3.8, I transferred in 31 credits, AND it would be impractical for me to HOLD MYSELF BACK ACADEMICALLY just to satisfy a condition (see what I did there?), then there must be something I can do. I got a five on the AP test for crying out loud. (LU is still really impressed by that.)

---

My finals are over, but everyone else's are just beginning and it feels really weird.

---

Mom is a bigger Amanda fan than me. HAHAHA.
#videocameracreeper

---

I'm bored.

It's No Wonder Why She Doesn't Talk To Me

After all, I am The Worst Friend Ever.

I could not possibly feel worse about our relationship. I mean, I say, "we should hang out," but we don't because I bail. I say, "sure, I'll go to your concert," but I can't because I HAVE to babysit.

(That's a completely different issue - This sounds dramatic, but basically, Mother refuses to acknowledge that it is possible that I could have a prior engagement on a night that she wants me to watch Christopher. Like, that's great, I love hanging out with Christopher BUT I SAID I WOULD GO TO COLLEEN'S CONCERT WAAAAAAYYYY BEFORE I KNEW ABOUT THIS. SORRY. But, alas, that doesn't matter to Mother. I suspect this is due to the same reasoning that produces the idea that a driver's license means nothing when it comes to knowledge of driving.)

I miss my best friend, Colleen. A lot. And I don't know when I am going to see her next. And that really pisses me off and makes me sad.

I am tearing up right now.

"We're Pointing Out the Obvious"

My last day of the semester was yesterday.

Today was my first day of six week break.

I eat pizza a lot.

I have a make-shift recording studio in my room.

I made it into the upper symphonic band at school.

I wrote a really awesome song today.

I'm pretty happy.

I don't know what I am going to do for the next month and a half, but I'm pretty sure it's going to be awesome.

LOOK OUT 2012

That's right.

I did two productive things today.

1. I went to talk to my advisor about transferring/graduating early.

2. I worked out my course schedule to see how fast I could graduate with a English/Creative Writing (I know...not the best) degree.

And do you know what I found out?

I can graduate in 2012.

Yeah.

I mean, think about that for a second.

I graduated last year and I am going to graduate next year. WITH A COLLEGE DEGREE.

THAT IS INSANE!

Total of years at LU = 2

Type of degree achieved = 4 year degree

That is HALF the time.

Okay, now, in reality, I am not going to use that degree immediately (if at all) because I am going to transfer (my gen-eds) to Columbia College Chicago and finish/start my film degree. Then I will get a full-time job*.

In the meantime, however, (read: spring break/Christmas break/early May) I will be subbing my ass off. I may even apply for temporary certification to teach summer school.

The point is that I feel REALLY accomplished right now. It's like my time at LU wasn't wasted. It's like I actually accomplished something here. And all the hell I went through in high school was worth it too. It's nice.

*I will probably have a full time job before then--I mean to say a job in my desired field.

---

Two more finals.

Then....

Two months.

JUST A LOT

I think I have it figured out. I mean, I still have to meet with my advisor and talk about a few things with him, but I think I have it for the most part.

I am, of course, talking about transferring colleges. It's really all I can think about.

I liked NYU better than USC and Columbia College Chicago (I can't call it CCC because that's just dumb.) because it made it easier to double major in both film and English. However, today, I was discussing it with my mother and she pointed out that I could finish one of my majors and then finish the other at another school. This is a fantastic idea. But it leaves me with a few different things to consider.

If I took my mother's suggestion, I would transfer to Columbia College Chicago because 1) They would accept me--guaranteed. 2) They are a lot closer to home and I could take trains back and forth. And I mean, I've never been on a train, but it sounds awesome. I mean, WHO WOULDN'T want to take a train to college?

Also, I would go to Columbia College Chicago because their film program is the most specialized and hands on (from what I can tell). This originally turned me off to the program because I would not be able to double major in practical literature. I mean, I could major in poetry, but what's the point in that? However, with my literature degree out of the way, I have nothing to worry about (HAHA).

So it looks like I have it all figured out, right? WRONG.

See, Lindenwood is a teacher's college. My English degree is combined with Secondary Education certification. I really like that idea. But that makes my English degree total 50 plus hours. I cannot complete 50 plus hours in three semesters...at least...not with the decisions I have already made and the information I currently know. I mean, I cannot find out whether or not Lindenwood has a summer session, and I do not know what courses Jeffco will offer this summer.

I just looked at all the bingo sheets for all the English degrees. With what I know right now, I could complete an English degree with and emphasis in Creative Writing in that time. Gah, that's actually the opposite of what I would like, but I'll deal with it. However, I will have to give up my certification entirely....am I willing take that risk? I dunno...yeah...but I shouldn't....GAH!

And I have to wonder, how hard is it to get certified to teach? I mean, it looks like a summer and semester of work. And I can certified ANYWHERE--I mean, UMSL for Christ's sake. It wouldn't have to be expensive. But...that's risky. I don't like being risky. BUT THAT'S WHAT GOT ME HERE IN THE FIRST PLACE! I just don't know.

I'm looking into it now...UMSL has this weird program where if you apply for temporary certification and get a job at a school then you can get certified in 18 hours over the course of two years....hmmm. I could do that.

---

One final tomorrow.

Nothing Tuesday.

Two finals Wednesday.

Then...nothing...for two months.

I like this.

So Many Things To Think About

Like that whole topic of transferring colleges.

Pros, Cons, Possibilities, Money.

I'm pretty sure I like NYU better than USC, but I'd have to--you know--apply and get accepted before I could really think about it. But it's hard for me to even get to that point!

It's like: Do What's Comfortable OR Do What Works (Maybe)

GAH! How is someone supposed to make that decision right out of high school/at the beginning of college? And why does Money have ruin everything. Someone (Read: Me) could have all these crazy idea and dreams, and would really like to see some of them to actuality, BUT stupid Money has to come in and say, "Because of your financial situation, unless you sign your soul away and possibly go bankrupt, you will have to settle for a second best life." And then Cowardice shows up and says stuff like, "You know, you should probably just settle--I mean, debt is really horrible. And what if your dreams don't come true? It's probably best to be safe and not try." All with a concerned look on his face. Then Guilt shows up and just throws out: "What about your friends and family?"

And it's like: GAME OVER.

---

Mammy offered to knit me a hat because I saw some while we were antiquing.

I'm still trying to figure out what pattern I want, but I'm definitely excited! Mammy is the best!

It's Thrusday

And I finished my philosophy paper.

And owned my LUL presentation

BUT

I CAN'T WATCH THE WEBCAST BECAUSE YOUTUBE BLOCKED IT.

It's like....everything I just accomplished doesn't matter, you know?

I Don't Mean To Lecture.

You are worth every breath you breathe in and every breath you breathe out.

It is not a fluke, you don't have to earn it, you don't have to prove a thing.

You are alive--full of life--because you are supposed to be.

As much as you may discount it on the other side, I have been where you are. I'm not going to lie to you--I broke down crying not to long ago. And it as been YEARS. It's hard, it's uphill all the way, but once you see the summit, it doesn't matter.

That doesn't mean I've moved on. At least, not like I'm supposed to. I would run back at the drop of a hat. But if that never happens (because it probably won't), I can live happily without. I can finally say that. I couldn't before.

Because loving someone means wanting them to be happy even if it doesn't involve you.

---

You.

As much as we seem to understand each other...you still don't get it some times.

But maybe it's me.

I dunno.

---

I'm just going to say this now:

Emma Watson and I will work together.

---

I have a B in Philosophy.

I love that class.

I actually have to work for it.

This is an accomplishment.

Especially since it's higher than the class average.

:)

And Then I Just Get Confused

Nights like this make me think that I didn't screw up. It feels so good to be completely comfortable with some people.

And I mean, if the RD and I had more than awkward/awesome conversations, I might feel like I'm not a total screw up.

One more new friend would be nice--then I would have three. yay...

But then I think about what I want--really want--it's so far way. Why did I have to make it even harder by choosing to get my degree in a dead zone? Grad school at NYU...could be beneficial, but why didn't I just bite the bullet, sign my soul away to the bank and do my undergrad somewhere like that? Why did I have to be a baby?

I need experience. I need progress. I need to feel like I am getting somewhere.

Any way I look at it, it's too late. I ruined everything.

Will someone make movies with me? Will someone help me? This will be the most arduous journey I ever make. Will someone help me on my way?

---

If I were anyone else.

If you were anyone else.

We would be something else.

Wouldn't we?

Ridiculous

I'm not signing my life away in student loans so I can point out the obvious in discussion, BS papers and still get and an A AND be exempt from the final.

Next semester better be worth it--or I am definitely transferring.

Two Posts in One Day, FTW

I mean, I could add on to my first post for today, but it doesn't really fit. And the first one was really well written....and this one won't be so....better to keep them separate.

---

I'm seriously considering transferring from LU to...somewhere else. I'm mainly looking at all the places I should have applied to in the first place like NYU, USC, and Columbia College Chicago. I just feel wrong here. It's like all the novelty has worn off and I've realized that this is my college choice--this is where I chose to get my higher education--and I can't believe it.

It's not about me only making two friends this semester or the fact that my roommates and I have had our ups and downs--it's bigger than that. I feel like being here, I am doing myself a disservice. I think about my friends at other colleges who are actually excited to be there. I am not excited to be here. In fact, I can't wait to leave. And that's not right.

Maybe my mood will change over the winter break. Maybe I just need a break. But right now, it seems that me and LU are just not working out.

---

I completely and totally understand Jen's infatuation with Emma Watson. Her performance in HP 7: P1 was the highlight.

However, it makes me feel worthless.

What Am I Supposed To Say?

I know there is nothing I can say. You don't expect me to have anything up my sleeve that will fix this. But how can I not say anything? Except I don't know what to say.

---

I keep trying to figure out which direction I am supposed to go, but I can't. I look at you and feel something, but I don't know what it is.

I look back and remember where I was a year ago and I miss it so much. I was kneeling at your feet--yours to do with as you pleased.

I look back five years ago and remember that I could almost see that future. I couldn't even conceive a life without you.

In a simple five year period, between now and then, I thought I knew the answer. I thought I saw the path. Now I know that I know nothing. I am fighting blind--In the ring with an opponent who won't even taunt me.

---

Wouldn't it be funny if this panned out exactly how it could? It would make a lovely romantic dramedy. It would probably make a lot of money at the box office.

Of course, I would be presuming far too much.

---

Maybe, all those months ago, I got it wrong. In the wet, cold snow, I would be declaring this love and you--instead of them--would be staring me down. The setting was right, but the characters and cast were wrong.

Again, I am presuming far too much.

---

I wonder if I am as transparent as a I feel. Considering how weak and erratic my heart has become, do you blame me for letting my mind walk down these paths--if only as a dream?

After The Storm

Fine, Vishal--I'll blog again! Sorry I have been busy!

---

So...my iPod died. I bought a new one and I have never felt more refreshed in my entire life. I mean, rather than having 30gb at my disposable, I HAVE 160GB!!! AHHHHH. I am quite excited.

---

This week has been quite interesting thus far. Despite it's ups and downs, I am pleasantly surprised with the end result.

I could watch Avatar again and again and again.

I am exempted from my English final. Win.

---

This morning, during our lovely talks, I realized something: I missed the mark, again. Even if I had a shot in the beginning, it's gotten to the point that I am in the "worst" of all places with you: THE FRIEND ZONE. I'm never going to get any farther than this with you. You don't have eyes for anyone else.

But surprisingly, I am fine with that because you are a pretty awesome friend.

---

Vishal might come to Thanksgiving (which is at 6, btw), but probably not. It would be interesting to see what he thinks of my family.

---

I need to start a new book.

Walking In Place

I always find myself in these times of anticipation. I'm always waiting for something. And I always feel that I should be doing. But nothing ever happens, and anything I do seems to amount to nothing. I want to be a part of something, of someone, of life. I am anticipating so much, I have so many ideas, but then I have nothing at all coming to me.

If only this person could...

If only I had this...

What if I did...

I did this so now...

I'm here now...

...so where to next?

I feel it--purpose--it's there somewhere inside me. It's waiting on something too. But what?

Haven't I done enough?

It's like I'm on treadmill instead of a path. You know how I hate treadmills. Nothing I do, nothing I say ever gets me anywhere. At least, not anywhere I am actually wanting to go.

A song by Josh Groban came on shuffle and I totally lost my train of thought.

Oh, jeez.

What if I tell the truth?

Would that get me anywhere?

I'm inclined to think it wouldn't.

My Birthday is Cursed

Or at least, the days surrounding my birthday (aka - 16,17,18) are cursed.

Last year is was the whole Z-goes-on-a-crazy-rampage-and-spits-in-my-face-thing, and now Lindenwood is doing this whole we-told-you-one-thing-but-now-we-want-you-to-do-this-thing.

---

However, the Dean just called me and said that she would take care of me. Why can't she be mt advisor?

---

Hey, I rock. :)

I'm Nineteen!

My life will be a Tegan and Sara narrative!

At least, I'm pretty sure anyway.

---

Kelsey took me to dinner tonight. It was awesome. Talking to Tranklers always make feel happy.

But then again, so does champagne. :)

---

Just biding my time, until you change your mind.

---

I miss Colleen.

To Be Entirely Honest

All I can ever think to write about - to get out of my system - is stuff I'm supposed to keep in.

It's frustrating. For example, I had an amazing breakfast this morning, and I would like to tell you all why it was so amazing, but ALAS - I have to keep it to myself. I mean, you won't get it anyway. Even the people who get it, don't get it.

---

Maybe if they just admit to themselves what's going on, I could stand to be in the same room with them. And, really, you know what's up - you know what's going on - She doesn't. Do her a favor.

---

OPRAH'S DEBT DIET.

Plausibility Be Damned

I hate that Vishal has become just a status update sent to my phone. He is(was?) my best guy friend. And now he's not. I am not happy with it at all, but I really don't know what to do about it.

I know I have a few posts about how my group of friends wasn't going to disintegrate into nothing. And to be fair, it didn't--it just morphed into crap.

It's really sad.

I miss my friends. I loved them so, and I still do, but I don't think we are or could ever be the same.

---

Other than missing what was, my mind is almost entirely focused on what could be.

I can't believe my luck. I have breakfast with you every morning, talk to you every morning, see you smile every morning, hear you laugh every morning, simply get to know you every morning. And all I had to do was sit down with you.

It sounds like I'm in love, but know that I'm not. I'm just excited that I could possibly be leaving the hypothetical and entering the actual. Just the possibility makes me giddy.

Part of me is worried for the rest. It says, "Don't get set in place. You know that doesn't make a difference."

I know, I know.

But maybe this is one of those other things that just work.

"Stop it."

---

God, I was thrown for a loop in French today.

It was so unexpected--all of it. The event, the situation, and my reaction.

I didn't know I was like that, but apparently, I am.

---

If I had a million dollars I would buy college degrees for me and Jen.

In Preparation

I want to play with you. I suppose the word should be perform, but you would know what I meant. But surely, I am not good enough. I will become better though.

---

My nineteenth birthday is fast approaching. I am not okay with this. Will my life become a Tegan and Sara narrative?

I am eagerly hoping, but afraid so.

---

This is the song I am currently learning:

---

The sad thing is that I am in preparation for a day that may never come.

But it might, so that's something.

---

I really hope I see Amanda tomorrow, so I can tell her she has an inner ear infection.

#momandiaredoctors

In The Best Way Possible

I want to scream my guts out - from happiness. Everything, after going so horribly for the past few weeks, is now going amazing.

It's a weird feeling.

I mean...

Colleen has Skype now.

I get to go home and see my mom this weekend.

I get my birthday presents this weekend.

I get to see Colleen on Friday.

I am not regularly having breakfast with people I have not know for the past five years and am enjoying it quite thoroughly.

I feel good about life again.

This American Life is Amazing.

It's just good.

My Friends Don't Get It

They just don't.

I live with two of my best friends. It's almost 6:30 and we just got back from dinner. We don't go to bed until around 11. However, they are content to sit in silence for the rest of the evening.

Okay, that's a bit extreme.

It's not like there is some decree or vow of silence here. It's just that generally, after dinner, there is no more conversation. Everything is short. Every response is brief. Every attempt to start a conversation will be shut down.

Unless it's about high school.

It's either constant reminiscing or nothing. (This is also somewhat of an extreme.)

Now, it's true, I miss high school, but only because I could socialize there. In my current situation, I am confined to small room for the majority of my free time with people who are perfectly content to sit in silence. Of course, it's not like they are just sitting their doing nothing - they are A) reading, B) listening to music, C) texting their best friend*, or D) some combination of the above. In case you are wondering, these best friends* happen to be in high school.

To be fair, my best friend* is also in high school, so it's not like I have any room to talk, but that isn't really my intended point anyway.

My problem is that the three of us spent a lot of time talking about how living together was going to be awesome. We wouldn't have curfews or parents to answer to, and we would just go out and have fun. Now, almost a semester into the deal, we haven't done anything. There are plenty of things to do such as bowling, a dollar movie theater, two malls nearby, and a freaking Bass Pro Shop. We can't even manage to carry on a simple conversation.

I have tried to voice my concerns, but since that qualifies as a conversation, they have fallen on deaf ears.

Instead, I have resolved myself to trying to find things to occupy myself such as calling my mom, listening to This American Life, watching documentaries on Netflix, and sometimes (when desperate) carrying on a monologue while no one listens.

This is me venting in my blog. My friends will find this post and be very upset with me. They will be offended and maybe even hurt. They might confront me about it. At least, then they will be talking to me.

*Best friend is a term I dislike using, consider childish, and does not quite fit the situation.

If My Life Was Narrated by Ira Glass, It Would All Be Worth It

"And the funny thing is that she was never very clean-conscious before. She adopted the compulsion only after realizing how much she dislike the alternative: Not being clean-conscious."

G: Do you think you'll ever get any help?

M: No.

G: Are you upset by that?

M: Not really. I mean, I used to get upset, but that didn't get anything done."

"I'm Ira Glass and this is This American Life."

Poem, Thoughts, Poem

A social butterfly is pretty sad without flowers.

All she can do is hope that some sprout.

So she waits.

So she prays.

And it's funny that things just fall into place.

And suddenly,

The buds appear.

And finally,

spring is here.

---

Studying Shakespeare is really nice when your teacher likes Shakespeare, but isn't in love with him for the namesake alone. It's actually intellectual.

I discovered Yeats.

I feel like I have discovered poetry for the first time.

---

When You Are Old

When you are old and gray and full of sleep,
And nodding by the fire, take down this book,
And slowly read, and dream of the soft look
Your eyes had once, and of their shadows deep;

How many loved your moments of glad grace,
And loved your beauty with love false or true,
But one man loved the pilgrim soul in you,
And loved the sorrows of your changing face;

And bending down beside the glowing bars,
Murmur, a little sadly, how Love fled
And paced upon the mountains overhead
And hid his face among a crowd of stars.

THE COUNTDOWN

To my birthday: 14 days

To Winter Break: 37 days

Yeah, I can't wait.

---

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Life Right Now

I realize that I have been an idiot these last few months. Like, not a full blown idiot, but just kinda stupid. I mean, I worked so hard to get where I am, why would I take that for granted now.

I promise I won't ever be that sometimes friend again.

I can't promise I'll be there all the time.

I won't keep constant contact.

But I won't ever block you out like I was. Missing you doesn't hurt that much.

---

I skipped class today to visit at Seckman.

It was a good choice.

:)

---

Life is coming together nicely.

Why Do You Have To Be Like That?

I mean, I know you have insecurity issues and I know that a lot of it wasn't your fault, but why do you have to bring everyone else down?

Do you not get that what you do makes everyone have a bad taste in their mouth?

---

I'm so pissed right now that I don't even care who reads this.

---

One of these days, I am going to put you in your place.

---

Prick: n. slang. Commonly used to describe someone who is initially perceived as nice, but devolves into someone who clearly just wants to be the center of attention--even if that means bringing others down.
Example: Marc is such a prick. I mean, he's fun sometimes, but everything usually ends in some sort of personal argument.

---

I love my new shoes.
And Colleen.
And Matt.
:)

I Am Blessed

Today was amazing day. You know why? Because I spent it with Colleen, her mother and her little sister (Cassie). I seriously don't understand why I hadn't met Colleen earlier in my life (and by met, I mean why didn't I acknowledge her). She is the best. And her family feels like my family. It's great.

---

I just want to let you know, I enjoyed that breakfast.

*sigh*

I keep forgetting to get his number.

---

We talked about a lot of things. And we talked about someone else--not me--but it was still nice just to hear you say the word like it was totally okay. Like you wouldn't hate me if I told you that I fit there too. If this is to continue, I have to buck up and trust you like I say I do.

While I Am Working on My Philosophy of Religion Midterm

I really want to write a musical based on the music of Emery. Using the music of Emery, in fact. It fits so well, it's practically begging for it.

---

Rockband 3 TOMORROW!

---

I don't know what's going on, but I'm going to try to remain neutral.

I do that every time, but I'll be better this time.

Promise.

Screw Being Cryptic

I've done nothing but try to do what's right for so long, but it seems that I don't even know what that is anymore. I just keep falling down every time. I look at the scar on my knee and remember what that meant to me.

It's not that I lost sight of it. It's just that I feel You have lost sight of me. Although, I know that to be untrue. It's a strange feeling, to be sure.

What's worse is that I feel that I have hurt Colleen, my best friend. Yeah, I said it. She's my best friend. I haven't had one of those in a long time, but I'm pretty sure that if anyone is my best friend, it's her. But I did nothing wrong! I keep trying my hardest to maintain what we had, but it's falling apart. I'd give anything to follow her around one more day.

BUT I DID NOTHING WRONG!

That keeps coming back in my head. And it's true. I did not make false promises. I did not say anything wrong. And the truth is, Colleen probably doesn't even have a problem with me right now, aside from missing me. But one phone call two texts ruined my entire weekend. I was looking forward to this weekend all week, but NO! I had to be torn in two. Put in between a rock and a hard place. I felt guilt when there shouldn't have been any.

No, I didn't go to senior night a Seckman. I graduated last year, so I went to dinner with my mother instead.

No, I didn't go to marching band competition at St. Gen. It wasn't my band anymore, so I spent the day with my mother instead.

I had a fantastic time with my mother. It would've been fantastic if I did have this horrible and unwarranted feeling of guilt festering in my stomach.

It's just that I cannot be expected to compete with people who don't like to spend time with their mothers. Or with people who don't make plans outside of the Seckman Marching Schedule. That sounded really rude. But I really don't have a better way to put it.

A Bit About Gay Marriage

If you really don't like it, don't have one.

It's okay.

If You Let Me Use Your Kitchenette, I Will Make You Dinner

You have no definition.

When I think of you I think of a package of indie-quasi-Christian cliches.

Stop hiding behind the ideas of others and make something for yourself.

Yes, I understand you agree. Yes, I understand you believe.

But do you understand that you are a parrot by your own conviction?

Say something you didn't hear someone else say, see someone else write, hear someone else sing.

Become yourself. AWAKEN.

Maybe then, I'll be able to look you in the eye.

---

THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF SUSPENSE RIGHT NOW. JUST KNOCK ON THE DOOR.

---

No band today.

Sad day.

---

I could not be more proud of you.

:)

Am I Awake? Am I Able?

All I ever need is a suggestion. Just barely allude to a concept, and I will think it all the way through to conclusion. Just suggest that something could happen, and I will know how, when, why, for how long, and the consequences.

Nothing needs to be concrete. Nothing even needs to happen. But I will know exactly how it could. I am not well.

---

Have you ever met someone who taught you why people love again?

Who taught you how to be human again?

Who made you realize that you had forgotten?

Have you ever met someone who made you feel like you were always supposed to feel?

Who made you feel like you were worth more than what you were intended for?

Who reminded you why you even bothered?

Yeah?

Me neither. But it would be nice, wouldn't it?

---

I watched an anime series (Claymore) on Netflix all day today. I finished it. It was intense. I didn't do anything else. Don't judge.

---

I' going to be nineteen in a month. Holy shit.

---

Some choice cuts from: The Age of Rockets

Elephant & Castle

"And you're the worst

At what you love the best

And up til now

An experiment"

Avada Kedavra

"Well, you're not brave if you still keep the letters

And you're not sane if you don't wanna get better

And you're not drunk if you can't stay in your lane, no

Well, you're not awake, but you haven't been sleeping

And you hate God, but you don't believe in him

And you're not scared, but you've still got your eyes closed"

LATINO HEAT

TODAY (10/15) WAS AN EPIC DAY.

---

Switchfoot is actually better live than on their CD. It sucked because I couldn't see anything, but it sounded like GOD.

---

We (as in my roommates and I) are switching Steak n' Shakes. We will now exclusively go down an exit to get to Steak n' Shake, rather than go to the one that is basically across from campus. Why? Because of Latino Heat. He could very well be the sexiest man alive. I hate the word sexy and any form thereof, but this man deserved it. His name tag actually said Latino Heat.

---

Tomorrow (Today) I get my Vans. Win.

---

Confidence? Is that really all there is to it?

The Great FALL of 10/14/10

Yup.

I almost went two whole months without falling. But that ended today.

I was leaving my Lit class, which involves going down several flights of stairs. Of course, you know I don't go down stairs like a regular person. It's more like a controlled fall/walking anyway. Well, today, I missed one step, and fell.

I knew it immediately--I mean, I have fallen enough in my life to know when I'm really going to fall--so I automatically started try to slow it down. In case you didn't know, the amount of pain you experience after a fall is directly proportionate to how fast the fall is. However, slowing down a fall generally has the effect of making the fall LOOK worse than it actually is. That's understandable since it looks like you are falling in slow-mo to people standing by. I mean, everything looks better[worse] in slow-mo.

I hit the floor relatively softly in a spread eagle position. My iPod goes flying, so I retrieve and look up to see two guys looking at me with awesome expressions of horror. They both ask, "ARE YOU OKAY?" And I reply, "Yeah, I'm fine. I just missed a step. I am an idiot. Whatevs." They don't look too convinced but they leave me alone.

I exit the building and am in the process of reinstating my iPod, when I realize my phone is ringing. At some point during the Fall, I pocket dialed Jen. I hung up on her and continued on my way.

When I got to the room, I apologized to Jen for pocket dialing her, but I explained that it was because I was falling down the stairs. [See: Jen's status.] She forgave me.

TEST KILLER

That's what I am.

A test killer.

I destroy any test in my path.

I annihilated my French test.

And my Intro to Cinema midertm was a FREAKIN JOKE.

The class started and 12:30 and I was out by 12:40.

The girl I sit next to told me that she had been studying since Sunday. I had been studying since....11:30 today. She wasn't even half way done when I left. WTF?

[It will be even more hilarious if I get this test back and discovered that have actually failed....hahaha--but that is impossible!]

It was weird, then I got to go to band. I like band a lot.

It's slow going, but I am making friends.

---

I GET TO SEE THE ALMOST (and Switchfoot) ON FRIDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

---

I am really excited. :)

Crazy Pokemon Analogy (Continued)

So basically, if I manage to get a hold of a holographic Venusaur, holographic Machamp, and a holographic Alakazam, the Dealer will trade me that for the Charizard. Of course, I can't get the Venusaur without trading my original Eevee's Evolution set. And I can't get the Mechamp without trading my Nidoking. And on top of that, I can only get the Alakazam if I manage to get a hold of a Mewtwo, which I don't see happening in the near future.

Maybe I can try to convince the Alakazam guy that he really wants my Dratini, Dragonair, Dragonite set....hmmm....

---

Kellan and I talked yesterday. There. I said it.

I really actually feel a lot better.

---

So, judging by this morning, things are going a lot better than I thought.

---

Corrections: 2:34 pm

Walked passed

Said hello

Shocked, delighted

Response given

We both

Laughed shy

To the tune

I know, I know, I know

TODAY HAS BEEN AMAZING

And it's only 11:15!!!!!!!!!!!!

---

Break Down:

102% on my Criminology Test (I would have set the curve, but my grade was too high apparently)

I have a B in French, so I could possibly have an A by the end of term!

...

I have band! WHOOHOO!!!!

---

I may regret writing this later, but people are like Pokemon cards to me. I just trade around until I get Charizard (you).

Rather Depressing

Has you iPod (when put on shuffle) every brought you to tears?

---

I have often thought that this would all work out in the end. That I was just biding my time until you came to my doorstep, apologized, took me by the hand to you car and we would drive until we ended up where we were supposed to be--all the while, telling me that I was right all along.

But that time never came, and I know now it will never come.

I know it's immature and irrational to hold onto something like this for so long, but when you made it seem like a matter of time anyway, how could I not?

---

And here it starts

The era after

The era without

Your absence will not go without notice

But it will make little difference.

Transition the heart

Make the switch

From nothing to hurt

To nothing but nerves

At least it's something new.

And here it starts.

Waiting is So Much Harder Than Doing

I know you are probably tired of seeing me stare sad and defeated at my computer screen, but I can't help it. I am so down about this, yet so excited at the same time that I don't know what to do. You know I hate being stagnant like this.

---

I am going to get there.

One day, I will.

---

Correction: 5:18p.m.

Okay, so it's pretty much common knowledge that I am a creeper.

And I stumbled upon....the competition, so to speak.

Yeah...psychopath.

I mean, you see that?

Right?

Purpose Defeated

I wish I could stop caring and just say what I feel. I mean, isn't that what a blog is for? BUT NO. I have to censor everything and talk in code and use unspecific pronouns.

I say I'm ready to face it, but I'm not. It's funny because even when I feel like I am getting somewhere with this, I make myself remember that I won't be finished working until I--[fill in the blank]. And I am not ready to face that. To face them. Everything is tense now as it is, I don't need to add to it.

The worst part is that I can't focus on anything else. At least I know that I have time.

What does it feel like to actually get what you want?

You Can't Always Progress

I'm not going to lie--I am disappointed about how today went. It was just a blah day. And I didn't progress at all. But really, today was more of a regroup day. I see that now. I got to talk it out with you, and that was probably the most therapeutic thing I've done in months. We have an understanding. And that is more than I ever expected.

---

It's like this: I haven't really let go. I don't thing I ever will. I will always look at you and wonder what it would have been like. You are the embodiment of my regret.

I hate regret. It is the one thing I cannot stand. So I have guarded myself against it. The only way to guard oneself against regret, however, is to shut down--and that's what I have done up until this point. I didn't feel a thing for anyone like I felt for you.

But now that has all changed. Because, like when I met you, it was immediate. A fully formed and uncompromising feeling. With you, the circumstances didn't matter, and that is how it is again. I now find myself fighting to remember how I dealt with it.

Yes, day by day, I scrape every last paint chip off--but only to apply a different color.

---

Okay, I got chills when you asked me that. I'm serious.

And I Had a Feeling That I Belonged

Today was a good day.

---

I got up this morning around 9:30, cleaned the coffee pot and made (awesome) coffee. Then I decide to subject the bathroom to the best cleaning I could give it with the supplies and knowledge I had at my disposal. By 11:30, the bathroom was clean enough so I could take a shower. After that, I went to brunch. I ate with Kim and some people from band. It was a good time. Then I got back and resumed cleaning. (The German blood was pumping.)

By the time Ash and Jen came back (they had left yesterday afternoon), I had cleaned the ENTIRE bathroom, re-organized the main dresser, did ALL the dishes, and picked up the random trash around the room.

I was very pleased. I will not let my efforts reverse themselves.

---

Fast-forward about two hours.

It's the game time. Lindenwood dominated, as per usual, therefore, the actually game is rather pointless. We one 50-something to 9. Yeah....

BUT the game duration was quite fun.

Up until today, the game set up consisted of the pit sitting in front of the drumline and, consequently, going deaf. Today, when we got to the stands, we decide to sit higher up so that wouldn't happen. Once we got situated, we had about a half hour to kill before the rest of the band would return to the stands and we would be trapped until the end of the game. We decided to get food.

Well, when the rest of the band joined us in the stands, they didn't like where we were sitting and we were forced to move down. Now, despite the fact that I would no longer be sitting by Kim and Ash AND that I had to climb down the bleacher stairs WITHOUT the use of a handrail, this was still a good thing. The drumline was in front of us, so our ears were safe, and I was now sitting by Megan and Amanda (funniest pair of people ever). I was thoroughly entertained for the evening.

---

After the game, Ash, Jen, and Jen's family (who attended the game as well) went to LU's rootbeer kegger. Basically, it was a block party with rootbeer as the main beverage. I bought I shirt because I made the guy get dig around for it and I thought they were free and they are cool, but it was five dollars. Still, no big. I like the shirt.

There was a band there, and it's pretty funny because Jen's dad is a sound guy for bands so he is always making the weirdest facial expressions and comments during any band's performance.

I also found out that Jen's parents recorded the performance, so my mom can still see it even though she had to go camping with Christopher this weekend. Yay!

Then Jen and Ash left to go home again for various reasons. I don't care, bottomline: I am alone again tonight, so I can actually think and I get to clean the floors tomorrow! YES!

---

One sad thing: I have no band on Monday. At first I was pleased, but then I realized that I don't go to band on Wednesday like everyone else because of Cinema class. So really, I don't have band until Friday. Sad day. :(

---

This week, my favorite song is Fast Car by Tracy Chapman.

---

All I wanted to do was fast-forward this stage and get to the stage where I can do as I please, say as I please, be as I please with you. You smiled and laughed and spoke, but I kept putting my foot in my mouth. I had no clever words. I could not be charming. But I have time and you know me now, so this was it. My catalyst. Not as big as I expected, but definitely sufficient. My foot is in the door, so to speak.

---

Thank you, Jesus, for all that you have given me.

What If You Could Only Speak the Truth? What Would You Say?

Time doesn't wait for anyone.

There is a part in every day

Where I lie to myself

And say that it's okay

Cause if I don't I think I'll go insane.

But the truth is

I only have myself to blame.

*Today's title and first section is from The Truth by Spill Canvas

---

SO....on my last French test, I got a 65%, and I was totally bummed. I mean, French used to be my blow-off class. I never really had a problem with French. Therefore, that grade really derailed me. However, I knew that the reason it was so low was because I was transitioning from teaching styles AND I took a year off. I mean, M. Arons was very systematic and he taught in a way that was meant to enable a student to learn the language from the ground up. Mme. Durbin on the other hand, teaches want is used in conversation. Her main focus is vocabulary and phrases, while grammar is supposed to be picked up through out. So naturally, my vocabulary was less than expect. Of course, this was horribly frustrating because I had a better grasp of French grammar then the majority of the students, but because I didn't know as many words, it didn't seem to matter.

BUT today, I got my grade back for my second test and I got and 82%! I've never been so proud of a B in my--oh wait, when I got a B on a Trig test once, I was more excited. BUT STILL.

AHHHHHHH!!!!

---

Today, you said it first.

I was so surprised.

I probably looked like an idiot.

---

So I'm watching documentary about a faction of lesbians called "Agressives". Apparently, it's like a butch except...more butch? They are following four black women and an Asian woman. Apparently, Caucasians just aren't that...butch?

I dunno, I think the minorities wanted to make another minority within a minority. Hmmm....never a level playing field.....

---

I want to hear your words, not read them somewhere else.

Stop protecting yourself from living.

The Truck is Still in the Parking Lot

Apparently my reactions are too much for Jen. But I mean, really. What did she expect when she told me that she and LaGrotta share the same birthday? Did she really expect me to be calm? NO. I FREAKED OUT, DAMMIT.

---

Please tell me I'm not right. Please tell me you feel something. I mean, I hurt you didn't I? You can't just let that pass by without feeling something, right? There has to be some sort of reaction--please, God, there has to be.

---

Is this my catalyst? If it is, it fits. It makes sense. And as long as it makes sense, I'm okay with it. I thought about that at breakfast today. You work like clockwork, so as I was reaping the benefits, I pondered if I really want to transition like this. From one state of living to the next, degrading one connection and gaining infinitely more. The truth is that I don't really know, but I hate the stagnant place I am in currently. And even though I don't really know if you are someone I will really get, it seems worth a shot.

Is that horrible?

Is it bad that I rarely feel truly connected to those who feel connected to me? It's like I have this switch in my brain. The switch turns off all superfluous elements to my feeling to someone and allows me say what I truly feel--at the root--without restraint. Once everything is switched back, I don't regret a word because it's true. It was clear and true.

Family is the exception, of course. Nothing is above family.

So as you chatted at breakfast, I decided that I am not horrible. I decided that I am okay with this transition. I decided that I am okay with my catalyst.

---

Now can something good happen, Jesus?

Memento

I just watched Memento. Amazing, simply amazing.

---

I am trying SO HARD not to hate you. It's unfair to feel that way about you. When I am near you, I cannot look at you. The mere mentioning of you, your voice, anything at all makes me want to scream. I am trying though. I try to remember that you weren't always an entity of distaste, but all that remains now is distaste. I almost feel sorry that a time is nearing when I won't need you at all. Because then you will hardly ever see me. I, on the other hand, cannot wait.

THIS TRAPPED FEELING NEEDS TO GO AWAY.

---

Why?

---

Correction: 7:07 p.m.

And

This is just further proof that you are too far gone for me to reach out to.

This is just further proof that you don't know what feeling is.

This is just further proof that you would rather remain silent than feel.

This is just further proof that shielding yourself means more to you than being yourself.

FOR THE LAST TIME:

This is my blog. It's about me and my feelings, however fleeting they may be.

Today Was A Wash

The Good:

-Awesome timing equating to awesome victory. And a "Hello."

-An A on my first college English paper.

-French Onion Soup

-Godfather II

The Bad:

-Pointless FYE

-Falling asleep in Philosophy of Religion

-Having to find a way to watch Godfather II with internet out campus wide.

-Not being able to watch the last ten minutes.

Stuff In Between:

-Walking a lot

-Getting complimented on my hair

-Getting called on in English

-Getting two waters at lunch

-Chris re-adding me on FB

---

I suppose it really could be just a matter of time.

---

My favorite part of our talk last night was when you asked: "And how are you and ______?" like it actually meant something.

Speaking of Cups of Coffee

I finally bought coffee for my coffeemaker. However, I forgot filters, sugar, creamer, and a coffee cup. I am so organized.

---

You know the activities section on Facebook? I'm thinking of adding "Routinely getting my ass kicked by the French language." I think that is pretty fitting and accurate.

---

Dear Melissa Etheridge,

I understand that you are a singer/songwriter lesbian, but why, oh why, did you have to write the song Fearless Love? I mean, isn't that TOO typical? It's going to become one of those songs that I hate and love at the same time, but mostly hate simply because it is SO gay. Do you understand my predicament?

Hoping you are well,

Natalie Bridgmon

---

I see you, I hear you.

But I hate you.

I don't want to.

But I do.

---

Support and acceptance are nothing if you don't possess the controversial entity.

---

I'm ready to fall asleep knowing that I will wake up and you will be there, waiting for me outside. I won't have to try to find you. I won't have to guess about your day, I can simply ask. I'm ready to stop working at this and start working at that. At you and I.

This "you" really should be "anyone", but that doesn't read as well.

Cups of Coffee

So much for practicing. Of course, that doesn't mean the trip to the Scheidegger (sp?) was a total loss. That was unexpected, but very welcome. Consequently, however, that now meant that me walking around with music and mallets in hand had to somehow make myself not look like a meandering idiot. I think I pulled it off....I am going back at noonish.

---

Jen is great, btw. Really great.

"Any Way You Want It, That's The Way You Need It!"

So....I've pretty much decided that if anything comes from this annoying feeling, the order in which I would dispense information would be as follows: Elizabeth, Jen, Ash (with maybe like a day/hour in between), then a week later Kim, the three weeks after that Colleen (and maybe Matthew). I think that's the safest bet.

Breakfast was a fail today. But what does it really matter? I'm too freaking shy (I know, right? Me, shy. I don't know how it happened, but it did.) to say anything anyway.

I'm trying to figure out why I want this to happen. Yes, you are attractive. You seem funny and educated, but...really? I first saw you and thought "yes" before I realized anything else, knew anything else. But alas, I am getting way too attached, way too immersed. If only I could take a step back.

It's confusing, however, that some people can just have great things plop in their laps only after merely voicing their wants. Could it truly be that simple? How do I get in that lane? That lane where you get what you want after minimum effort and want? Where seas part and mountains move simply to account for your needs. I only need to be that way for, like, a month. Promise.

I guess I just want something good to happen and stay happening for once in my life.

How horrible of me to say. It's not like my life is a perpetual series of sad events. I'm just lacking in some to share life with. It's kinda weighing heavy on me.

---

I found out that Walt Whitman spoke with a thick Brooklyn accent. He just got a million times better, in my opinion.

---

Correction: 2:32 p.m.

I'm pretty sure I've lost any remaining vestige of sanity I had.

Time to take a huge step back, chill out, and approach with caution.

Midnights

I was there a little early. I thought almost too early. But it was barely 9 and you work like clockwork - you love clockwork - and there you were. I'm willing to bet you left no later than 9:15.

---

I really have to stop.

---

My dog had a mental breakdown, so instead of working on my paper, I came home. Poor guy. My paper's over last year's stuff anyway. Haha!

---

I'm with you, there, Freddie Mercury.

---

It will be interesting to see where I am a month from now.

Sunsets

Maybe it's just mental blockage. You know, like I think I shouldn't have it, therefore I don't get it.

Well, if that is the case:

I want this, I want this, I want this, I want this, I want this, I want this. Regardless.

I am prepared to face the consequences.

---

Is this really want you wanted? You wanted to cut yourself off from people who really cared about you? So all that happened, all that we have been through, all that we talked about just doesn't matter anymore? When you said we would be fine, I was pretty sure you meant it. I think you were too. What happened to make you change your mind?

Yes, I am upset. In part because of what you did, in part because I still love you despite that, and in part because you are forcing me into a decision I just can't make. I will give even though I know I shouldn't. I will fight on your side as I stand by theirs.

I want to take back my well-crafted words. I want to go back in time and decide not to get involved because I don't want to lose you. I don't want to lose anyone. I understand that sometimes it happens, but not like this. Please, not like this.

---

I can't wait to see The Almost!!!!! AHHHHHH!!!!!!

---

I have to remind myself, he doesn't care about me either. He doesn't care about anyone. But....

I still care about him. What happened?

Daylights

Computer Refugee.

That's what I am. Or rather, that is what Jen is. Her computer doesn't have Word and Ash's trial just ran out so Jen is on my computer desperately trying to finish a lovely paper. It's 5 pages, she is taking forever, but she didn't have Hub, I am sure she is making great time. Therefore, I am blogging from Ash's pc. Maybe I've been spoiled by Sony for too long, but I am just not digging this experience from HP.

---

Hey, you, I am really glad we can talk again. You listen and sometimes you don't understand, but most of the time you do and it's fantastic. You don't presume a thing and you take me as I am, no questions (that I don't want to answer) asked. Thanks.

---

Colleen and Matt came to visit us today. God, I miss Colleen so! And I miss Matt too! Colleen should just except the fact that she should come to Lindenwood. It's literally just as good, if not better than any other school in the area (WashU aside). Matt is already getting used to the idea of transferring here next Fall and I for one think that's great.

This is the point where I should say that I am pretty damn sure that Matt and Colleen are going to get married and have two beautiful blond haired blue-eyed children and one adorable brown-eyed ginger. One of them will be my godchild. Yup.

---

You know me too well. You know, even if I am the most opposed, that I will be the first to take you back with open arms. You know I can't forget how we were. You know that I knew that from the beginning of all of this. You know that I am just as weak as I am strong.

---

Tomorrow's mission: Find out the Australian boy from my Criminology class' name. He wants to own his own bar. I want to live with him. So what? Who cares?

---

God, I want to perform.
Miss acting far too much. I want to be on the freaking stage. I miss playing too. Damn it.

---

Band is in the band room tomorrow. Oh, Life's simple pleasures.

You Are Really Dumb, For Real.

I am at a standstill. I am as far as I can go with my current resources. Unfortunately, I do not know how to expand my resources as of yet. I suppose my next course of action will be the Trial and Error Strategy. Take everything I have and use it until I strike a chord. Until I open channel.

It's so strange. My Campaign Method worked so well in a High School setting. I don't know how to adapt it to account for all of the variables.

Although, I must admit, I am restraining myself. It's because I am afraid. I can't see this going anywhere. Well, I can, but there are so many consequences to my success. I don't know if I can commit to those quite yet.

---

Hide yer keedz.

Hide yer wife.

lolololol yes.

---

My first performance as a lion went well--or as well as can be expected. I went to Taco Bell with Meghan and Robbie afterwards...then I went back to the FPA...because I have...obligations. LIKE MY ROOMMATES. YEAH!

---

Okay, okay.

Doth protest to much.

---

Um....so....yeah.

---

An' hid yer husban' cuz ther rapin evrybudy out here!

Today Was An Epic Win

Espionage - An Explanation:

So I tailed you from the cafeteria halfway to your first class. I was going that way anyway. It's not like a deviated from my normal route - I just walked a little faster.

So what? Who cares?

---

World Lit was amazing today. Oh the joys of translating poetry! Hahaha!

---

My mom took me out to lunch today and Jen went with us. We went to Fazoli's, so the food was good. And Jen....spilled her drink....it was hilarious. You really just had to be there.

---

I think if I met the twenty year old version of my Philosophy of Religion professor, I would be very lovesick. That guy is just plain awesome.

Of course, his paper is due tomorrow....it's kicking my ass.

---

So I recently discovered this awesome band on my iPod. (Yes, I don't know everything on my iPod - I go to the library and systematically copy their entire inventory into my personal music library.) They are called The Noisettes. They are like indie classic rock. The frontwoman is so versatile. Corinne Baily Rae mixed with Janis Joplin. Crazy stuff.

---

Band tomorrow!

You aren't a figment of my imagination - you are very real and very attainable.

I Know I Already Posted Today, But....

Okay.

New plan:

Let go of it all. Stop trying to get understood. Focus on the goal and only the goal. I knew it from the beginning, now it's time to act like it. Remember, no one really gives a shit whether this happens except for me. Remember, I want something to show for all this work come Christmas.

---

Right now, I am listening to Arcade Fire via Lindsay George's blog (www.bakingvinyl.blogspot.com). Why wasn't I real friends with this girl? Her taste in music is fantastic.

---

I watched Citizen Kane today. I hope I don't end up like him.

---

I miss Mr. Hubbard and Mrs. Anderson.

Reasoning for Faith

If it weren't for God, I would be dying this week.

He is truly my Joy.

I realize that had I said the above statement just a few months ago, you, dear readers, would have thought I had gone crazy. You might still think that. Well, let me assure you that I have not lost my mind. I am just letting God in more. I am relying on Him more. I am listening to Him more. I am more mindful of the fact that there is an entity in this world that will help me succeed in anything I want as long as I keep Him at heart.

Okay so that still sounded kinda crazy.

I am still me. I still lie, I still deviate from the norm, I still curse. I was made this way. You could argue society made me that way, but I would have to disagree. If anything "made me this way" it would be my disability, and God gave me that. So. Therefore, God made me exactly the way I am. I am not fighting that anymore. I am not hiding that anymore. I am not keeping God out anymore.

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I've almost been here a month. That's strange. There are a lot of things a miss and I a lot of things I don't. I've come to realize that boarding school is not a horrible thing that parents and the media always make it out to be.

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Jesus, I need something good to happen.

You are my Joy, You are my Joy, You are my...JOY

*Listening to Seasons of Love and bobbing my head*

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Can't, won't, just don't.

To do that again would cheapen all I am.

All I have become.

Can't, won't, just don't.

Let this take me again where I never want to return.

Where I never should have been.

Can't, won't, just don't.

Leave your strong embrace and well lit face.

You will raise me above.

And yet.

This hasn't left.

I immerse myself in you.

And the feeling remains.

I see it clear as day.

What could be in store for me.

Can't, won't, just don't

Can't, won't, just--

What will happen, happen already.

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Okay, okay.

Time to do something.

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Correction: 8:28

Better not give me grace, because I'll throw it back in your face.

At last the saga ends.

Goodbye.

3 + 4 = 7

Alright, I am scared. I'm scared to come clean to you. So I left you out. I told everyone else but you. Of course, now I feel even worse. So I'm going back and forth on whether or not I should. I'd like to think, judging by past conversations and on how much I think you love me, that if I told you, you wouldn't cast me out. You wouldn't disown me. You wouldn't leave me. Because, hopefully, you really do love me and we really are perfect together. Like you are 3 and I am 4 and together we make 7? Do you remember that?

The reason why this struck me now is because I was reminded of why God put you in my life. You were the beginning of my path to Him. Despite my (supposedly) sinful intentions, you brought me to the Light. The irony is beautiful.

However, that is another point of contention. If my intentions were so sinful, why was I still able to find my way? It leads me to think that they weren't so sinful as I thought. That maybe, just maybe, just as you were a catalyst to my realization that who I am isn't temporary, you were meant to make me realize that this isn't sin, and that the world needs to know. Were you to make me a missionary? It seems so considering the feeling just won't leave. Is this what they were talking about in July?

This is all the more reason for me to be truthful with you. You are and have always been my compass. How am I to find my way without you? You trust me, so now I suppose I must truly trust you.

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I miss Lucy.

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I think I finally figured out what I'm going to spend my monetary blessing on. Awesome Jen and Natalie Documentary!

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525600 minutes.

How do you measure a year in the life?

How about Love?

Who Slipped Novocaine Into My Pepsi?

I only ask because my brain seems to have gone numb.

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Here I am, blogging out of pure boredom. I thought about playing Dragon Age, but I'm not really in the mood for that I guess. I wonder if Ash will every get her headphone jack replaced? Probably not. She may have every intention, but it won't happen. It's not like I don't like her music. Well, for the most part I'm fine, but if I have to hear another man whine (not sing) about his love for Jesus, I may just go see Jesus.

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As you can probably tell, I'm not in the best mood right now. Everything that could possibly annoy me is doing so. I really think I'm just irritable because I haven't had band in two days. That and I really miss Colleen.

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There was blowout last night. I think I let loose more than I meant to, but I don't regret a word I said.

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My brain is melting right now.

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I'm just pissed, I guess.

So pissed.

I wonder what would happen if I screamed?

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4:36 Correction:

I just don't know what to do with myself.

I can't pour it out into a song because they are here.

I can't pour it out here because they read it.

Although, it's not like I can actually formulate anything into a sentence.

It's not like a new color, it's the new you.

Ugh.

Time and Thought

So you know that theory of Six Degrees of Separation? You know, only six people separate everyone from knowing anyone. I realize that is what I do all the time. I always employ that theory when I want to meet anyone in particular. However, in the current case, I am rather frustrated because I'm down to the last degree. Essentially, all that is left to do is wait for an opportunity, or some sort of catalyst. Dang it!

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Megan invited me to a movie night tonight. I may go, I may not--if she ever gives me the time. Amanda's attendance is doubtful, however, so I wonder if my attendance would be considered productive or counterproductive. I have to be careful not to get stuck anywhere.

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The CIA should just hire me already.

Stop. Before You Get...Hurt

Every night, when it comes time to finally go to bed, once I lay down my back spasms. It arcs. Every muscle uncoils in an order; progressively working their way down to my lower back. It is as if every stress of the day is exiting me through my back.

Yet, tonight, as I listen to the sirens coming in through my window and watch the street lamps play on my ceiling, I feel different. As my back unknots itself, it is not stress leaving my body—it is my body transforming. I am becoming a new self. A self capable of handling the challenge that is sure to come. I am shedding my former restraints—inhibitions—and becoming enough.

Newly born, I marvel at my weightlessness, at my cleanliness. I smile, and then frown because I know I have chosen a most grisly task. It is sad that I became this free only to rush to shiny, new shackles. My only hope is that they become a home. Please, open your arms to me.

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I meant to write that Thursday Night/Friday Morning.

Danny's Girl is Not an 80's Song

So I had the song "Jesse's Girl" stuck in my head all day. However, I had it in my head as "Danny's Girl". When I heard the song by chance this evening, I had to restrain myself from laughing. Hahaha....subconsciousness is hilarious.

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This isn't a new game.

You aren't a new target.

This is just a new all consuming phase of my life.

That doesn't sound as nearly as comforting as it feels.

But this, in many ways, is easier to deal with.

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I'm going back and forth on whether or not I should take up guitar lessons again. Whether or not I have the credit hours to do so. I mean, I realized that my skill level is totally proportionate to the amount of motivation I have to excel. I quit lessons when I was thirteen because I was more motivated to learn songs I wanted to learn and see how far I could get on my own and start a band and stuff. So here I am, five years later with no band, and my current skills are exhausted. Now I am motivated to go to lessons. But will it be worth it? I mean, it will on some level regardless, but really. Worth it? I dunno.

Sleep is for the Weak

I am really freaking tired, but I can't sleep until I get tonight out of my system.

So much information to process.

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We had our first game tonight. I was pretty stoked until I went to put my uniform on. Someone had taken my pants and replaced them with a smaller pair. I was annoyed. So the majority of the time that I supposed to be getting ready for the game, I was walking around reminding Amanda that I didn't have pants. I also looked for pants. I didn't get any pants until five minutes before we left to the field.

When we get to the field, Pit headed for the stands. We watched pre-game and kept our eyes on the huge black cloud that was approaching. Okay, so it's not like Amanda's conducting is amazing, but it is still better than anything I have ever had the chance to work with. (No offense to any of the former drum majors I have dealt with--you did your best and it was the best I could expect at the time.) Then, about ten minutes into the game, we have to evacuate from the stands due to lighting. The band relocates to this hallway in Hyland and I settle down to get to know my new acquaintances Amanda, Megan, and Robbie better. It was good for the first half hour. Pretty hilarious, actually, but the last hour and half was not fun. Then we got to leave. Yay!

I went to DQ with Ash and Jen afterwards. Kim and Katie J. showed up later. It was nice. Then we when back to the room and I started on my French homework....now I am here.

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They say you get rid of the rock until you get David.

I say you get rid of the rock until you get You.

Perhaps you are and abstract,

And perhaps now I have to backtrack,

But it will all work out in the end.

I will call you "friend".

"I'm Gonna Break Down These Walls I Built Around Myself. I Wanna Fall So In Love With You And No One Else."

So....our first game is tomorrow. I'm interested to see how it turns out. My new pal Jamie said, "At my old school, we would always sound like ass on the practice before the game, but we would be fine during the game. Let's hope we're like that."

I agree, Jamie.

But besides that, I am so excited for the game!!!!!!!!! Ahhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!

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I had an hour and a half conversation with Jen about literally everything today. It was nice. Really nice. Thanks Jen!

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I am so strange. I have this horrible habit of wanting something so much (which really isn't even that much) that I trick myself into believing that I have it. Of course, this only leads to frustration and disappointment. I can't "want" something into being, unfortunately.

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Aha, success, triumph!

I made you laugh. A lot. And the best part is--You were right--I didn't mean to.

Haha, who am I kidding?

Jen is Rubbing Off on Me

I suppose I should admit what's going on, but I won't. This situation is far too cinematic to spoil with rational thought. And even though I am fully aware of the fact that in this type of movie, there is always a period of time where everyone is mad at the protagonist, things usually work out for the best. I'm willing to play through for the payoff--whatever that may be.

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Philosophy of Religion is easily becoming the highlight of my week, I've established myself in World Lit II (Can you believe it--It's just like my World Lit Class from high school--ugh), and French is something I have come to dread.....but I will prevail. At least, that's what I tell myself.

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At what point does a "philosopher" not have to support their point anymore? I mean, at what point do they go from the citer to the cited? I am only wondering because all of the stuff I've read thus far has not had a works cited page. Just a thought.

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I always forget who actually reads this thing. Hahaha